Respect my family's ways or disobey and be independent?

[funkify]

Firstly, I'd like to say that my experiences and way of life will be quite different from many people here because my parents/family are European but have settled in Australia since the '60s which is where I was born and have grown up.

 

Since I was young, I've had to deal with living a 'respectful' European life amongst a liberal Anglo society. To make matters worse, I'm an only child and very precious to my parents. When my friends were allowed to stay out late at night, I had to be picked up early by my parents etc.

 

It is expected that I remain a virgin until marriage (however we don't speak of it), so I'm not allowed to sleep over my boyfriend's house or go on holidays together. Moving out of home before marriage is something noone in my family has ever done and if I did, it would surely break my parents' hearts and give them some sort of a panic attack. Travelling alone is also not practiced.

 

So as you can see, the family unit is the most precious thing in my culture. Now, the thing is, even though they are strict/overprotective I know my family are probably the best I know. They will love and be there for me until the day I die no matter what happens, my happiness is always more important than my own and they have worked tirelessly their whole lives just so I could have the best of everything. They do so much more than the average family and I know I'm so lucky to have a family that love me so much.

 

Fast-forward to 2007 and I'm 23 (turning 24). I see my Anglo friends having fun in their city apartments moving overseas for their careers, going on holidays, moving in with their partners, living a life where they can be completely independent...which their families support and find 'normal'. If I did the same, it would surely shorten my parents' lives as they would get some illness from the stress it would cause them. My friends think my family's ways are restrictive and ridiculous.

 

Sometimes I wish I could have that carefree life but I know it would kill my parents and our family. I'm all my parents have and if I just went 'crazy' and moved out etc it would be so selfish because I know how much it would hurt them. I'm a university-educated woman and I dream of being independent and getting overseas just getting away from it all, just experience the world for a year. Just getting out...but I want to do it without guilt that I'm killing my parents at the same time.

 

I don't know what to do. Noone in my family has ever dared to go against their family ways simply because it would hurt and disrespect the people that love them the most. They think that adventure is not worth breaking their hearts. It's quite likely that if I do go against them, I'll realise it's not for me and then return...how would that make them/me feel?

 

Any insight is very much appreciated, thanks.

[Poboy]

i can understand where you are coming from since i live in such a society where culture , tradition is above all the rest and have discussed about this with my female friends who are in somewhat of a same situtation like you.

 

it all depends on what you want your life should be like and how you want your family to figure in that.

here are 2 scenarios

 

1) you do take the step of moving away ... leading your life according to your choices. in this process , you might be shunned away by the family depending on your family way of thinking and values which is unique for each family... if you can live with that fact and accept it that they might or might not play a big role in the future of your life and , you can go ahead with this decision.

 

2) family is important. you see them in your future and want to be a big part.

you are 23 -24 ... you will study now , work ... get married and you want to them to be in all those happy / sad moments and accept the fact that you will have to make sacrficies on the way .. .some small , some big but all that just because you consider your family above everything else and willing to accpet this and continue living like you have been and will so in the futre.

 

one thing i would like to say is i have always advised my friends that ... once you will be married , you might get the independence you are looking for now and then maybe go on to do those things which you wanted to do earlier... only catch is , its a big maybe as future is unpredicatable with your husband/his family.

so its a win/loss situation on both sides and it depends how much of a risk taker and a smart gambler you are ... with your life on the table

[nancyleeh]

Your parents are very loving and maybe a bit overprotective but on the flip side if you don't get out on your own and experience independance and make your own mistakes and good fortune how will you learn the ropes? Do you have a plan? If not, do some research and find possibilities that you want to persue like where you want to live, work and how you will manage your life and then go to your parents and present it to them. If you just say your moving out, they will freak but if you have a plan in motion it will be easier for them to let go. From what you said, they will be disappointed if you leave but you are an adult now and have to find your own way. Deep in their hearts, they know this.

 

nancyleeh

[funkify]

Anyone else? Any thoughts at all would help so much

[Porn_Guy]

Well I guess this is part of being an only child...you get way too much attention from the parental units. You should try to cut some deals with them for compromise. After all they will not be around forever and at some point you'll have to become more independent.

[westernxer]

You can't be an adult without disappointing your parents in some respect. That's the way I look at it.

 

Sometimes we have to blaze our own trails, in order to discover our true selves.

[Island Girl]

You can't be an adult without disappointing your parents in some respect. That's the way I look at it.

 

Sometimes we have to blaze our own trails, in order to discover our true selves.

 

Couldn't have put it better.

 

I know you love your parents and family but they have made the choices in their lives.

 

You have to make your own choices for your life. The worst thing I can think of is living with regrets of what you haven't done.

 

Sure you may make mistakes but I would rather live with those than the regrets of not living my life as I feel I need to.

[Trialbyfire]

The first step towards independence is difficult with parents. They have to learn that you are a capable adult. Once this is proven, they will hopefully relax their smothering.

 

I wouldn't make it a hard break with family because they do matter. If they want you to report your every move to them, stop doing it a little at a time, slowly weaning them away from the need to know every aspect of your life. Once this is done and there's no more upheaval over it, take your next step by doing something else that you've always wanted to do, like taking a vacation with your b/f, etc, etc. This is a slow way to do it but at least it won't make them too frenetic, all at once.

[PracticalShade]

You can't be an adult without disappointing your parents in some respect. That's the way I look at it.

 

Sometimes we have to blaze our own trails, in order to discover our true selves.

 

hitting on what westernxer said. no transition into full adulthood is ever smooth, especially the relationship with parents. it usually starts with a disagreement and the daughter or son saying "i'm old enough and this is what I want to do."

 

if anything, it's not you being selfish, it's THEM being selfish for imposing so many pressures on you when you clearly have other ideas.

[Guest]

Hi there,

 

I come from Asian background, and totally understand where you are coming from. Ours is a culture where my parents think that independence is synonymous with being "non-filial". They think that if i move out, then there must be something wrong with the family. I can't make them understand that it has nothing to do with them, but it's all to do with ME wanting to be more independent.

 

I got married last year, but even then, my parents expected us to live with them. They think that now they are getting older, its our turn to look after them. I was faced wtih a similar situation to you - do I do what i want to do or do I do something that makes me feel guilty. In the end, I chose to live my life the way that I want to. We bought a house and am moving out very soon. In my case, it's easier i guess, cos I am married after all...even though somehow, they stil lmake me feel like a child.

 

I agree witht eh poster that said not to make a hard break. At the end of hte day, family is still important, I can't help it if they can't understand fully the reasons for me wanting to be independent and if they blame me for that. But I do try to maintain a good relationship with them. I have to say, there will always be a bit of guilt - however, I realised that I can't spend my whole life trying to please them. That only leads to resentment on my part, which spoils the relationship between us.

 

I hope that helps.