LDR trust issues.

[Sean]

Okay, this is going to be very long, so please bear with me. . .

 

We've been in an LDR for two years now and have met each other. All these years things went fine until December, when we had a big fight. The fight we had stemmed from the fact that we had originally had a plan set together to move closer to each other, but she felt nervous, and hence changed the plans in her head without us discussing them. This really upset me a lot, and I'm still trying to get over it. I phase through points now of full trust and no trust, but besides the point. . . we worked things out. But still things seemed chilly after she went to college.

 

Come just last week I found out, not through her, that she's been feeling lust towards another guy in her chemistry class. This really upset me, and lately I've been trying to work through it, but it keeps cycling through phases again. Especially since she's called him about homework stuff and vice versa, she's also said that getting a call from him made her day. Which upsets me, she says he's easy to talk to, etc, and I just don't know what to do.

 

For at the same time she tells me that she'd only like him as a friend, which I understand for she doesn't have many, but still it makes me feel bad, for he was kinda a hidden thing, and that upsets me. I've tried a lot to talk through it with her, and I also accept if she'd like to move on, and even just like him as a friend. Still though, I could really use advice now, for I don't understand what to do between us anymore. . . though I've noticed some of my patterns that may have lead to this and am trying to get better, for I would like to be a better man for us than I am now. =|

 

Guess, my questions just are:

 

In a situation like this what would you do?

If you're a lady, given, how do you think you'd feel through all this?

What would you expect your boyfriend to do in a situation like this?

How does one work towards creating harmony again when it has been broken?

 

 

Again, thank you all for your time! I would love to hear what everyone has to say.

[BlueEyedSarah]

Her being 'just' friends with the guy...I see a huge red flag here!

 

Does she know how you feel about her being friends with this guy? If so then she needs to respect your feelings and NOT be friend with this guy. Its obvious she still has feelings for him and seems as though she wants something more than a friendship with this other guy, thats why she is being 'friends' with this guy.

 

How about if you did the same with another girl, just 'friends' with another girl, bet she would not like that.

 

Basically tell her how you feel about her being friends with the guy, because of her past attraction for this guy you do not feel safe with her being friends with him, if she loves you then she will respect your feelings.

 

If on the other hand she argues by saying she does not have many friends already (she could join clubs and make friends which are girls) and she wants to be friends with this guy then its obvioius she may still feel attracted to him, if this happens then the best thing for you to do is get out of this sticky situation with her.

[thatmatt]

If she has "lust" for him, friends is a very dangerous territory. She doesn't have many friends, and being LD has probably made her feel a bit lonely and vulnerable, she may think she can just "be friends", but the whole situation is just risky, IMO. Did your imformant talk of any flirting, etc, alone time, when and how often, and where they hang out if they do? She either didn't tell you because she's hiding something from you, or because she doesn't think these feelings are a big deal and nothing will come of this, however the latter is tricky because if him calling her makes her day, is there something more there?

[Sweetie2007]

Yea, what BES and Matt said... it doesn't sound good. If she were just friends with him, okay, and was open to you about it, that wouldn't be too bad. But she has "lust" for him? Did you get details about that to proove it, or was it just the opinion of a 4th party? It definetly sounds, from what you said, like she likes him as more than friends, IMO. Maybe you should talk to her, tell her how you feel, what you think. If she gets defensive, and tells you it's nothing, just forget about him, then she's hiding something. If she says that she's sorry, she didn't realize it bothered you, whatever, then she could be 1: really sorry and hadn't realized how far it had gone, or 2: a good faker who knows what to say and when. The second is hard to do, trust me...and if you know her well, then you'll be able to judge her reaction. On the phone or with voice is probably better than IM, but I know that can be hard. Do her friends know about you? If not, then she's hiding you, and that's not a good sign either...

 

to answer your questions:

 

In a situation like this what would you do?

 

I'm assuming you mean from your point, not hers. Well my BF has had many "friends" that were girls, and whenever I didn't like the way the relationship sounded, I talked to him about it. I just asked him, straight up, what was going on, what he felt, what she felt, and if it effected our relationship. Every time it was my simple jealosy...although he never told me that a call from one of them made his day, and his friends never told me he had "lust" for any of them...but it's similar, I think.

 

If you're a lady, given, how do you think you'd feel through all this?

 

Well, I'd feel slightly guilty on one side, and perfectly okay on the other, as long as I thought that i could have a "friend" in RL, plus my loving caring BF OL. Whenever I talked to you, I'd probably wonder if you knew, but I might be able to hold it up, for a little while. I think after a while I'd get sick of the double-life and the lies, and the guilt would take me. It depends how far it went with the RL guy, if it stayed just really great close friends, then it could last quite a while, but if it became like a FWB thing, I'd have to choose, OL or RL, not both, I couldn't deal with that.

If you asked me about it, I'd tell you the truth, all of it, and let you come to your own conclusions. If the relationship ended, I'd at least know it was my own fault, and that at the end I was truthful with you.

 

What would you expect your boyfriend to do in a situation like this?

 

Well, it's happened. My BF, about a year ago, thought i was more than friends with a guy-friend of mine. I wasn't, just a misunderstanding. He asked me about it, and I told him the truth. We did get into a slight argument, because he had what he thought was proof that we were more than friends, but it wasn't true, just weird stuff. So anyway...I would expect my BF to talk to me, tell me exactly how he feels, and I would be honest with him in return.

 

How does one work towards creating harmony again when it has been broken?

 

that's hard to tell. The harmony went out of my LDR almost a year ago, and although we're still happily together, sometimes I wonder if it's there 100%, althugh he assures me that it is. I think once the trust is broken, on one side or the other, then there will always be a small crack, or knick missing, no matter how much Love Tape and Passion Glue you apply.

 

I hope this has helped. Sorry it's so long....good luck!

[Sean]

Does she know how you feel about her being friends with this guy? If so then she needs to respect your feelings and NOT be friend with this guy. Its obvious she still has feelings for him and seems as though she wants something more than a friendship with this other guy, thats why she is being 'friends' with this guy.

 

That's exactly what I thought. Lately though, she's been really open about him, and she has told me that she respects my feeling on how I feel about this guy being friends with her. Just this night she has asked me if it was oaky to send him a message through Myspace. After telling her how I feel some more, and why it bothered me, I've come to a conclusion that yes she can be friends with him, if he only wants to be friends with her. Might be wrong, but I don't want her to feel like she doesn't have friends. I did point out though that if anything ever happens between her and him, it's it. For to me, that would be it, I just wouldn't be able to live together with someone who's cheated on me or abused me.

 

How about if you did the same with another girl, just 'friends' with another girl, bet she would not like that.

 

Actually, I have been just friends with a girl, several, and still am. One of which I have felt a little lust for, but not anymore. I don't plan on doing anything with her. Though I did buy her a BFF necklace around the beginning of February for her birthday which came around Valentine's in the mail. I don't know how my lady has really felt about that, but she always tells me it's oaky, but she's prone to keeping things tucked in till the end. She also used this time, and another when I was really lusting after a lady but decided not to even pursue a friendship for the sake of our relationship against me between us. Which seems understandable. I don't know though, what do you think of this?

 

Basically tell her how you feel about her being friends with the guy, because of her past attraction for this guy you do not feel safe with her being friends with him, if she loves you then she will respect your feelings.

 

If on the other hand she argues by saying she does not have many friends already (she could join clubs and make friends which are girls) and she wants to be friends with this guy then its obvioius she may still feel attracted to him, if this happens then the best thing for you to do is get out of this sticky situation with her.

 

I actually have told her, and so far she hasn't really argued with me about objections to friendship with him these last two days. Though when she brought up the IM thing, I said that if she'd like to she could be, but I'd really like to know this guy more first just talk to him or something. To her that felt like I didn't trust her though, and she lashed out between us big time. She ended up though giving me his Myspace account addy though, which was nice of her. Curious, what do you make of all this though?

 

She doesn't have many friends, and being LD has probably made her feel a bit lonely and vulnerable, she may think she can just "be friends", but the whole situation is just risky, IMO.

Last night, after we tried working things out, I got really upset and just left after a quick goodbye. I was feeling so down, and she messaged me so much after I left, even once stating she's willing to try together again with me. In all though, she admitted she feels lonely and vulnerable (I do too). In a way I think maybe she truly does feel like she can just be friends, but doesn't understand what might happen, for he is "attractive" to a good deal of women. (He looks like an ape to me though, not attractive at all, and I'm kinda bisexual. =P)

 

Did your imformant talk of any flirting, etc, alone time, when and how often, and where they hang out if they do?

No, no flirting, alone time, and they definitely don't hang out. From what I know so far, he just called her last Sunday for info on the finals and that's it. They talked once more Monday, and since then he hasn't called her back at all or talked to her.

 

is there something more there?

Still something I'm trying to grapple with. . . lately though she's been treating me with more love again though. She's back to sending the little hugs and I love you's. I think I still worry though, for I know I'm not a considered "hot" as he is, so I worry that her physical appeal if any still for him will drive her to make a 'mistake' with him. Especially since he's single, and has had numerous failed relationships since. I think, the thing that bugs me most though. . . is that personality-wise. . . he's a lot like me. Even creepier knowing he has the same birthday too. I don't know why, but do you think any of this means anything?

 

Did you get details about that to proove it, or was it just the opinion of a 4th party?

Yea, I did, she wrote it on a forum I read.

 

Maybe you should talk to her, tell her how you feel, what you think. If she gets defensive, and tells you it's nothing, just forget about him, then she's hiding something. If she says that she's sorry, she didn't realize it bothered you, whatever, then she could be 1: really sorry and hadn't realized how far it had gone, or 2: a good faker who knows what to say and when. The second is hard to do, trust me...and if you know her well, then you'll be able to judge her reaction. On the phone or with voice is probably better than IM, but I know that can be hard. Do her friends know about you? If not, then she's hiding you, and that's not a good sign either...

I actually have talked together with her and told her how I feel. She did get a little defensive and said I don't trust her, but she certainly didn't mention it as nothing. The whole time we've talked she acknowledged how she felt but says she only feels in a friendly way for him now. She has said she's sorry now though, finally. It's really hard for me to judge is she's faking it now though, for we have yet till tomorrow to finally use the webcams together and talk over the headsets once more. I think I'll be able to tell more then, for now, even though she said I love you and that I make her happy, part of me feels like it could be untrue. Especially since she doesn't feel too interested in us being able to see each other more often, as I have suggested that I could come every three months now. She hasn't said too much about that. For sure though, her friends definitely know about me, they always have.

Well, I'd feel slightly guilty on one side, and perfectly okay on the other, as long as I thought that i could have a "friend" in RL, plus my loving caring BF OL. Whenever I talked to you, I'd probably wonder if you knew, but I might be able to hold it up, for a little while. I think after a while I'd get sick of the double-life and the lies, and the guilt would take me. It depends how far it went with the RL guy, if it stayed just really great close friends, then it could last quite a while, but if it became like a FWB thing, I'd have to choose, OL or RL, not both, I couldn't deal with that.

If you asked me about it, I'd tell you the truth, all of it, and let you come to your own conclusions. If the relationship ended, I'd at least know it was my own fault, and that at the end I was truthful with you.

Thank you, that made a lot of sense to me, and it kinda scares me to think that's actually how she feels. Which is really lame. =( It makes me consider finding someone new before I know what she's doing.

Well, it's happened. My BF, about a year ago, thought i was more than friends with a guy-friend of mine. I wasn't, just a misunderstanding. He asked me about it, and I told him the truth. We did get into a slight argument, because he had what he thought was proof that we were more than friends, but it wasn't true, just weird stuff. So anyway...I would expect my BF to talk to me, tell me exactly how he feels, and I would be honest with him in return.

Curious, would you mind sharing together with me what the weird stuff is and what made him think you were more?

I hope this has helped. Sorry it's so long....good luck!

It did, it really did, thank you so much! In fact thank you everyone! =)

[Sweetie2007]

Curious, would you mind sharing together with me what the weird stuff is and what made him think you were more?

 

I don't mind at all...looking back on it, it's kind of a funny story

 

My guy friend, Steve, had asked me to go somewhere with him, and I was willing to go. My BF knew about Steve all along, and knew that he was one of my best friends, but because we were only online then (hadn't met yet, the relationship was new), he didn't really know great details, besides what I had explained to him, and what the two of them had talked about on MSN (I gave my BF Steve's email, with permission, so they could talk, and my BF would feel okay with the friendship). So anyway, Steve asked me to go somewhere (I don't remember now, but somewhere him and his mom were going, and he wanted me to go too), and I told my BF, and he said that he didn't really think I should go, he didn't feel good about me going. I had already told Steve I would go... so then I was stuck.. make Steve mad, or make my BF mad. Well Steve had a crush on me, I knew that, but he knew about my BF, so he knew there was no chance, but he was still determined to try (and fail horribly in the end). Well anyway, I sent some emails to Steve, explaining that I didn't think I'd be able to go, but without telling him that in reality, my BF didn't want me to, and I thought that relationship more important than Steve being mad for a couple of days (he gets over things fast). Steve got mad, wanted to know why, then my BF ended up reading the emails (I had emailed Steve from an account my BF had the PW for...I had gone away for a weekend and he had checked my emails for important stuff, so he just had it)...got mad because I hid him as the reason, and thought that the friendship with Steve was more, and that our outing was more of a date (I had told Steve that I was sorry I couldn't go). I explained to my BF that it was just easier, plain and simple, to tell Steve I couldn't go, period, and not go into great detail, because I didn't want him more pissed than he had to be, and he'd be less pissed if he didn't think that my BF had "forbidden" it (although it was my choice).

 

So anyway...my BF and I worked it out, and Steve figured it out that it was my BF who didn't want me to go...he got mad, didn't talk to me for a week (Steve), and then everything was cool... so that was the end of that.

 

I don't know if his really helps or not, because it is a lot different from your situation...but that's the story..... if you wanna IM me, my MSN is [email protected].... I'm willing to share more stories if you think they'd help

[thatmatt]

I think when it comes to opposite sex friends, especially in Long Distance Relationships, the point is to keep it equal, no double standards. I was in a relationship for a year and a half, the last half was long distance, and she had so many double standards with other guys, she could hang out with them, etc, but if I do anything with another girl, I caught hell for it. You have some female friends, one who you even were attracted to, so it is fair that she is allowed to have guy friends. She sounds like she has done a lot to gain your trust, just keep this with you to remind you of how important communication is, especially with distance.

[Island Girl]

It sounds to me like she is with you - cares about you - but had pulled back a little bit from thinking you were the "forever one" when this guy entered the picture.

 

So she did think of him as a "what if" - liking him somewhat but not willing to throw away what the two of you have (she knows you are together - committed) to pursue what may not turn out to be that same type of relationship.

 

She likes having a boyfriend. She likes the security of that - besides caring about you.

 

To me, "the change", of talking with you about what is going on with him seems to stem from a lack of interest on his part.

She doesn't see any remarkable interest from this "hot" guy so has pulled back from the idea of that and back into the security of your relationship.

 

However, when she has talked to him - she is giddy about it - if he called about homework, she is thinking there may be attraction on his side down the line - which could just give her a little ego boost. But it would be dangerous as she is attracted to him - very attracted - and the temptation of finding out what that relationship could turn into (if she could have that same kind of commitment with him is somewhat of a challenge factor).

 

When I was on the fence in a relationship and met another I was interested in I used to establish a way of talking about Mr. Next with the current boyfriend so I could alleviate a bit of the guilt of wanting another. I would state there was nothing romantic because there wasn't yet. But talking to the other man and seeing him eventually led to an romantic overture and the break up.

 

It is a difficult situation long distance.

 

You have alluded to the fact that this turn of events might be due to your behavior - what are the things that you're changing (and why those specific things)?