polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Hi all, I've started other threads my break-up, but the summary of them is that my 9yr LTR ended in January; he broke up with me rather suddenly and unexpectedly. I've coped as best I could, and discovered LS! I have lived with him, in his house, for 8 years. No kids, but a dog we got together and 4 cats. He's pretty eccentric, but I loved him dearly for himself, and was a helpmate, as he was to me sometimes. I made his batchelor pad a real home, including making a fabulous garden, and furnishing his house with my antiques, etc. You get the picture. Tho we did not wed, I expected to spend my life with him here before the break-up. I basicly lived as a wife, and I settled in. Following the ending, he told me, numerous times, I could stay here as long as I needed to because we live in a place where housing is very difficult to find. This seemed reasonable, as the news was abrupt and I was not prepared to leave. He mysteriously left the house and stayed elsewhere; a friend's empty apartment, I was told. I practiced NC/LC with few problems, as he kind of disappeared. I've been searching with no luck, but have good prospects in some new affordable housing which is not ready yet. He also understood that I was preparing for a museum show (I'm an artist) which opened last week, so moving out and preparing to pack would be a burden for me. "No problem", he said, "take your time, you don't need to rush out". I asked him to keep me posted on when he plans to move back in, so that I could make all the sleeping arrangements until I move out. This morning I found out from his best friend that he's seeing someone else (has been almost since the time we split, but it doesn't sound serious). Yucky news, but not surprising since we're split, and we don't really talk. He's acted very evasive and tense around me, I assumed now because of his new gf, so today I saw him and brought it up, friendly-like, just to say I knew, and that I hoped he didn't feel like he needed to hide something because it wasn't necessary. His reaction was nasty... "It's none of your business", "It hasn't had anything to do with how I've acted toward you" etc. Then he made it clear that he had hoped I'd find a new place by now, and that he plans to move back into our bedroom this weekend and wants me to get all of my stuff out. He also said that he wants to start renting the extra bedrooms! He was cold as ice when I told him that it would be nice if he'd given me some notice after saying "stay as long as you need to". In fact, if I hadn't started this conversation I'd never have learned of his intentions! There's more along these lines, but this is the gist of it. My point here is that I was dismayed that this man that I've loved for all these years is being such a disrespectful dick, and such a poor communicator. Looking back, peices of a puzzle are falling together... he's always been emotionally retarded, I reckon. Now that I'm out of his bedroom, I'm no different than some roomate that he wants to get rid of. It hurts like hell to realize that this is who I've been living with, tho I saw many clues, in hindsight. Maybe it's the first time since the break-up that I realize it's really, really over... and if he came crawling back, I'd say "no thanks". This is a brutal thing for me to realize:( . It hurts Bad. This long post is really sort of a venting. Sorry it's so long, but I'm aching right now with all sorts of wounds..... I guess I need cyber-sympathy... Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Even though it's been a couple months, and he is dating someone new, take his behavior with a grain of salt. He probably acted that was so you would know it was over, absolutely over, and to force you to start moving on in your life, not to be malicious. People act irrational following breakups. He was unexcuseably a dick, agreed, but don't fret over it and analyze why you didn't see it sooner. He was not showing his true self. I hate it when people say "now you know his/her true colors" when a situation is, well, extremely painful or awkward. This isn't a defense of him at all; I'm only telling you not to let it get to you or blame yourself for having been with him for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 well i hope u feel better POLLYWOG Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 I guess I need cyber-hugs... Hang in there PW.. hope you feel better.. Rant away Link to post Share on other sites
Author polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 THANKS guys! Wow! Great insight, oppath. Your posts all mean a lot to me, since I usually post (or start) on silly threads, giving silly answers.... Anyhow, while I'm always up for fun on LS, this is a not-fun day, and I feel like a got a couple of "Get Well Cards", esp from Artcritic and Alphamale, who I depend on for contributions to the poop threads and such. Maybe this is a measure of people I like; my ex-SO would probably never post on LS (can't figure out how to use a computer for one thing!) let alone revel in a good poop thread... anyhow, thanks boys Link to post Share on other sites
silentcharon Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Oh, polywog, I feel for you! It hurts when your ex starts to see someone else, no matter how long after the break up with us. But that is just awful, I can't imagine living with the ex and knowing he's seeing someone else. I would want to move out asap! He's clearly getting frustrated even though he told you to take your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 Oh, polywog, I feel for you! It hurts when your ex starts to see someone else, no matter how long after the break up with us. But that is just awful, I can't imagine living with the ex and knowing he's seeing someone else. I would want to move out asap! He's clearly getting frustrated even though he told you to take your time. Yes, I had a long chat with my best friend today. She told me that she could foresee that he would get suddenly impatient with wanting me out despite his "stay as long as you need to", but that she kept it to herself because I was, well, maybe in denial! Plus, she is shocked that he dumped me. Yes, altho it sucks that he is seeing someone else and it hurts, I found out that she is freaked out about me. I'm attractive and just had a lot of my accomplishments publicised at the risk of sounding smug. My SO's best friend who informed me about the new gf knows her and she is friends with his gf and confides in her, and she tells him. So, as he's my friend as well, he passed this juicy info along to me. I can't say I feel jealous of her, exactly, but the idea of my handsome ex boning her does bum me out:( . Link to post Share on other sites
tragicglands Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 It hurts Bad. It's a long time since I've heard of somebody hurting Bad - with a capital B. And it's a shame that he's behaving like a dick, without any of the benefits. I hope you get good news soon about a new pad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 It's a long time since I've heard of somebody hurting Bad - with a capital B. And it's a shame that he's behaving like a dick, without any of the benefits. I hope you get good news soon about a new pad. thanks, tragic. i don't use capital letters unless i mean it, and if i had dick benefits i'd have capitalized the "d". as it is, his dick seems kind of Yucky, Tainted, from having been Elsewhere so the benefits aren't terribly enticing. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Sorry he's being an A-hole Polywog. Maybe you'll feel better being out of his house anyway. You could leave some fun surprises for him. Poopy surprises. With four cats I'm sure there is poop aplenty. And then you could blame it on the cats. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 Sorry he's being an A-hole Polywog. Maybe you'll feel better being out of his house anyway. You could leave some fun surprises for him. Poopy surprises. With four cats I'm sure there is poop aplenty. And then you could blame it on the cats. :lmao: poopy surprises I guess I'll feel better after I get out, but I love this place and will really deeply miss it:( . I wish I could have the house and he'd leave, but that's life.... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 how you holdin' up POLYWOG? Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Don't worry Poly, you will get pass the hurt. We all go through it with a break-up. We are here for you. What a jerk he turned into. He only got mad and defensive because he felt embarassed that you found out about what he is doing. Once you get past the hurt you will see that you can do better then him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 how you holdin' up POLYWOG? Thanks for asking, alpha. I'm kinda bummin' right now and it doesn't help that today I've only eaten coffee, lotsa beer, and a small taco, plus I went out and bought cigarettes.... all this drinking/smoking because I was feeling like numbing out. Now it's kinda crashing, the beer-buzz is turning into a headache and hangover. Hope I can sleep tonight! More than you wanted to know, I'll bet! Link to post Share on other sites
Author polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 Don't worry Poly, you will get pass the hurt. We all go through it with a break-up. We are here for you. What a jerk he turned into. He only got mad and defensive because he felt embarassed that you found out about what he is doing. Once you get past the hurt you will see that you can do better then him. Thanx, Riddler. All day I have been remembering ways that he has been weird and emotionally retarded in all these years. Maybe I'll make a list later in this thread if I find I can't fall asleep! Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Thanx, Riddler. All day I have been remembering ways that he has been weird and emotionally retarded in all these years. Maybe I'll make a list later in this thread if I find I can't fall asleep! Thats an idea. Make a list of all his faults and maybe it will help you forget about him faster. Guys like that need an as$ whoopin. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Sorry to hear about this polywog. Wish for many morning hairballs for him with no footgear on... Link to post Share on other sites
Author polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 Sorry to hear about this polywog. Wish for many morning hairballs for him with no footgear on... that's guaranteed! Link to post Share on other sites
tragicglands Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Steady on. Just because somebody is being a dick, it doesn't mean you have to be the smaller person, and wish ill on them. It would be so totally funny if he slipped on that hairball, though. And if he broke his tailbone, well... that would be the icing on the cake. Sure - I don't know him. But I am prepared to accept your version of events. Besides, anything bad that doesn't happen to me is often hilarious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 Well, I can't sleep so I guess I'll tell some stories, red flags- if you will, about the SO's emotional retardation. The first one that shocked me was early on when our dog, a pup then, got hit by a car while I had him out in a park (he survived, but was hurt badly). I won't drag out all the details, but it was horrible. I called him on a friend's cell and she and I drove him to the vet a few towns away. I was there for hours with my friend, and was shocked that he never came or called the vet to see how our dog was. I left pup there overnight with no promise that he'd survive, and when I got home he was working on cars in his garage like nothing happened. He barely asked me anything, and I thought maybe he was angry at me, but he was just.... being busy. He's crazy about the dog, so this was just weird and disturbing to me. I rationalized it by thinking that it was just too much for him to handle, but he never talked about it or seemed to think anything of his reaction. Recently, last summer, I picked up the morning paper and the headline was that an ex LTR of his, a lovely sweet woman who once lived with him, was killed by a drunk driver. I was very upset and ran out to the garage (again) to break the news. He barely reacted! For the next few days his family called him about it but he never returned their calls, or seemed particularly sad. I was creeped out by his calousness. A few winters ago he put me through hell. He had an old 54' fishing boat that had been in his family moored about a half mile into the harbor. A big storm was blowing in, very cold and snowy, and he decided to go out in his dinky rickity skiff to check on it, to make sure it wouldn't sink. I was worried, but he insisted that he'd be OK, and said "whatever you do, don't call the Coast Guard". Well the wind turned into a gale and it was below zero and I started to feel upset. I called his family, who are fishermen, and they insisted that he was being crazy and to call the Coast Guard, which I reluctantly did. They thought he sounded crazy to be out there, too, and went to check on him. They called me back and said that he didn't want any help, news I relayed to his family. I didn't sleep all night. The next day it was still windy and freezing, and he didn't show up... I went up to a hill with my binocculars and was relieved to see him up on the deck. Later in the day I came in the house and he was back, sitting on the couch glaring at me. He was furious that I had called the CG and wanted to break up with me over that. He would not hear of his family being worried, or care that he made me panic. It was months later that he reluctantly admitted, after his male friends talked sense into him, that he might have been selfish and unreasonable to have been angry at me, but he's never really understood how he made me feel, or cared to try. I suppose that one incident has been something I've never gotten over, either; his lack of empathy toward me. I guess that's what I've been mulling over today, after his behavior to me earlier; there are other examples (and many things about him that are good) but these are the ones that have really stuck in my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
tragicglands Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Wow, polywog. Just wow. Reading through all that, I can't help but think he's well-endowed (the most obvious redeeming quality). I mean, from the boat story it's clear that he has huge balls. (Insanity is never an option.) And things are usually in proportion. Link to post Share on other sites
kimberlyk Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Thanks for asking, alpha. I'm kinda bummin' right now and it doesn't help that today I've only eaten coffee, lotsa beer, and a small taco, plus I went out and bought cigarettes.... all this drinking/smoking because I was feeling like numbing out. Now it's kinda crashing, the beer-buzz is turning into a headache and hangover. Hope I can sleep tonight! More than you wanted to know, I'll bet! I totally feel for you, I hope you are holding up well! Maybe this will be an excellent time for you to make some life changes, to accomplish everything you ever wanted to... getting out of that house will be a great start to a fresh, new life! I believe that you will find someone so much better. It's a shame you didn't find out about the 'real him' sooner, but we all learn to fine tune our 'emotional retardation red flag radar' with each screw up we encounter. I wish you all the best! Link to post Share on other sites
tragicglands Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 , but we all learn to fine tune our 'emotional retardation red flag radar' with each screw I think I need to shake my booty more often. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 I think I need to shake my booty more often. definitely MH Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 You could leave some fun surprises for him. Poopy surprises. With four cats I'm sure there is poop aplenty. And then you could blame it on the cats. Judging by the title of this thread, I thought that it was going to be another poop thread. Link to post Share on other sites
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