some bombs dropped today...

[polywog]

Wow, polywog. Just wow. Reading through all that, I can't help but think he's well-endowed (the most obvious redeeming quality).

 

I mean, from the boat story it's clear that he has huge balls. (Insanity is never an option.) And things are usually in proportion.

 

In fact he is well-endowed, which I really miss about him.

 

And it's true for me that his fearlessness is something I always found attractive. He is definitely a manly man, and I loved that about him. But to live with a lover who doesn't meet you half way, or doesn't appreciate what you bring to the table in a relationship (I've been mulling this over since the break-up in January) is lousy. A waste. His previous relationships were mostly with kind of dumb, pretty women. I am a smart, accomplished, pretty woman with lots of interrests and lots to offer; I loved him with all his eccentricities and showed him how I felt, and I'm not sure he even got it. I didn't really care that much because I don't need a bf to affirm all this stuff if I love him, but I feel sad the more I look back on things, that he probably didn't care about who I was. The person he's dating now is nothing special, not very bright, kind of simple, but whatever floats his boat, I guess.

[polywog]

I totally feel for you, I hope you are holding up well!

Maybe this will be an excellent time for you to make some life changes, to accomplish everything you ever wanted to... getting out of that house will be a great start to a fresh, new life!

 

I believe that you will find someone so much better. It's a shame you didn't find out about the 'real him' sooner, but we all learn to fine tune our 'emotional retardation red flag radar' with each screw up we encounter.

 

I wish you all the best!

 

Thanks, kimberlyk! I love the new term "emotional retardation red flag radar"

[kimberlyk]

Thanks, kimberlyk! I love the new term "emotional retardation red flag radar"

 

I was hoping that would put a smile on your face!

[polywog]

Judging by the title of this thread, I thought that it was going to be another poop thread.

 

 

You know, I actually thought af that myself after I posted the title!

[tragicglands]

, or doesn't appreciate what you bring to the table in a relationship

Is it better on a hard surface?

, but I feel sad the more I look back on things, that he probably didn't care about who I was.

Of course he did. I guess not enough, in the final analysis, but he cared, all right.

The person he's dating now is nothing special, not very bright, kind of simple,

I wish I could hit the jackpot like that. There's always hope for tomorrow, I suppose.

[polywog]

I think I need to shake my booty more often.

 

beep bonk beep bonk etc.

 

my emotional retardation red flag radar is going off!

[kimberlyk]

I read a saying once that I really liked...it went something like this...

 

"When they think the grass is greener on the other side,

it just means there is a septic tank underneath."

Not sure where I read it, but I think it is so true to life!

[tragicglands]

beep bonk beep bonk etc.

 

my emotional retardation red flag radar is going off!

According to kimberlyk, you need a screw.

[polywog]

According to kimberlyk, you need a screw.

 

I guess so, since I seem to use the ERRFR to find ERs to screw.

[tragicglands]

I guess so, since I seem to use the ERRFR to find ERs to screw.

With more fine-tuning it will be fine. Tuned. Anyway, life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes your favourites have already been eaten. And then it dawns on you that variety is the spice of life. Well, either that, or you try to convince yourself that mint and chocolate really were meant to be together.

[polywog]

With more fine-tuning it will be fine. Tuned. Anyway, life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes your favourites have already been eaten. And then it dawns on you that variety is the spice of life. Well, either that, or you try to convince yourself that mint and chocolate really were meant to be together.

 

They're all my favorites.

[polywog]

I could barely sleep last night. I stayed up posting on LS and reading helpful threads, but I guess I just need to slog through my sadness and fear.

 

I'm having a harder time than I thought I would. I have come to realize that on some level that I wasn't aware of that I was holding onto hope. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't love the SO anymore, yet now that I know he's seeing someone else, and that he Really wants me Out, I'm just feeling so bleak.

 

I think that partly I just love this house, this home I've made here, more than I can say. It's been a big chunk of my life, which I thought I'd had forever.

 

I have unrealistic fantasies about winning a huge lottery and buying the house. I love my garden, more than love it. I created it, it's a living thing, a piece of my soul. I brought up sharing it with him, which he'd invited me to do when we first broke up, and he was annoyed, and said that he wanted to use it by himself (he's unrealistic, he knows nothing about it and doesn't tend to things). He looked blank and irritated when I expressed how much work and soul I've put into it, and insisted that he did, too (he hauled some dirt a few times and helped me dig some beds). Ouch, it's clear he has no clue about what this all means to me... my Emotional Retard Red Flag Radar was screaming, breaking my heart.

 

I confess that the big leap into living elsewhere, finding someplace to move a houseful of stuff (most of the things in this house are mine) and having to find a way to live here as a single person (not the dating part, but the material realities part) is just scaring the h*ll out of me, and I'm feeling overwhelmed. It's a big leap of faith to think that I'll land on my feet right now, and that I have no choice is just.... ugh...

 

I'm sure others of you have been there, and I'd love to hear some stories to help me cope...please! help me!

[polywog]

Well, after posting this I took a walk in the woods to calm myself down a little and made a few phone calls to take some action. I laft a message with a friend who offered to store my stuff, and called a friend who had offered me a temporary apartment where I can move until I find something permanent. I feel a little better for having taken some steps. It's a start.

[tragicglands]

, and I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I really can't relate to that, me being so perfect and always in control. Wait - there was this time... no, that was just a dream. False alarm.

It's a big leap of faith to think that I'll land on my feet right now,

You will land on your feet, and you will free your creativity from the hang-ups. I hear you about the house, though - it really sucks. One step at a time. Believe it or not, happiness isn't tied to bricks and mortar and awesome gardens. (OK, maybe it is, but I am trying to be positive.)

I'm sure others of you have been there, and I'd love to hear some stories to help me cope...please! help me!

I wish I could. You're screwed. Sorry.

[tragicglands]

Well, after posting this I took a walk in the woods to calm myself down a little and

Walks are always good for burning off nervous energy. I was too tired to walk earlier today, but I'm no stranger to morning woods.

[polywog]

I

I wish I could. You're screwed. Sorry.

 

ouch:sick: ! Don't rub it in!

[polywog]

Walks are always good for burning off nervous energy. I was too tired to walk earlier today, but I'm no stranger to morning woods.

 

It's great for burning off nervous energy, but also just...great. Not always peaceful, because I once saw a chipmunk killing and eating a snake, really, and if I didn't have some friends with me who also witnessed it no one would have believed it. It dragged the struggling snake across the path and then proceeded to hold its head as it writhed and nibble in that cute way that they eat acorns or sunflower seeds. Anyhow, the woods I walked in are filled with birds that will land on your hand to eat seeds, so it's a perfect place to wander when life looks yucky (unless you're one of those poor people with bird phobias).

[kimberlyk]

I am not a lawyer, and I do not know your situation, but I work in the real estate industry so I hear a lot about trends. I have heard about a lot of situations where people shared homes with people for many years and then split, one owns the house and gets to keep it while the other who put years of work and money into it has to walk away empty handed, it's not fair. I also have heard that judges in many states and counties across america are beginning to see more lawsuits from partners in this very same situation who are fighting for their fair share of the equity in the home and are winning!!! Again, I do not know your situation, if you helped with a mortgage payment or what, but I can say that 8 years (I think that's what you said) is a LONG time to cohabitate with someone and I feel that you deserve something for your share of maintenance during your tenure there. Don't forget about common-law marriage...I don't know if any states recognize that anymore, but if you really wanted to 'screw' him, I suggest you at least call a few lawyers in your town, not just one, call several and get several opinions...it never hurts to check it out polywog.

 

Good luck!

[silentcharon]

Poly,

 

I can really relate to your story. It was hell for me too. My ex broke up with me several months before I was due to start school. I was in the middle of preparing my portifolio (it was a huge task). We came up with a plan that I would go to school, we'd continue living together as usual, and I'd work at night to help out with the rent. That got shot to hell when he broke up with me- I had to scramble looking for a place to live that I could afford as a student. I had to somehow find the time to pack up, move out, work on my portifolio and work at my full time job, on top of dealing with the break up.

 

I was fortunate to find a place where I could afford, I've been here for a little over a year now. I can really relate to you how much it scares the hell out of you to be facing the prospect of living alone after living with him for so long. I had a garden that I tended to at his house as well, that I loved to death also, I loved the place we lived at- it was part of who I was. I don't know if this would be your first time living alone or what. I moved straight out of my parents to move into a new place with my ex. So when I moved out on my own, it was my first time living on my own- it was terrifying. The nights alone were very, very lonely- I can remember very well that I cried many nights. I dreaded coming home alone, because my heart would drop whenever I remembered that I would be alone.

 

I would be making dinner for myself. I would be watching tv by myself. I would be going to bed by myself. The fact that I was on my own for the very first time was very staggering, never mind the fact after living with my ex for so long. My heart sank every time I came home to an empty house. Every time I came to an empty bed.

 

The good news? It does pass with time. It hurts like hell for a while, then you get used to it slowly!

[polywog]

I am not a lawyer, and I do not know your situation, but I work in the real estate industry so I hear a lot about trends. I have heard about a lot of situations where people shared homes with people for many years and then split, one owns the house and gets to keep it while the other who put years of work and money into it has to walk away empty handed, it's not fair. I also have heard that judges in many states and counties across america are beginning to see more lawsuits from partners in this very same situation who are fighting for their fair share of the equity in the home and are winning!!! Again, I do not know your situation, if you helped with a mortgage payment or what, but I can say that 8 years (I think that's what you said) is a LONG time to cohabitate with someone and I feel that you deserve something for your share of maintenance during your tenure there. Don't forget about common-law marriage...I don't know if any states recognize that anymore, but if you really wanted to 'screw' him, I suggest you at least call a few lawyers in your town, not just one, call several and get several opinions...it never hurts to check it out polywog.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks kimberlyk, that's great info. I have had friends tell me to call a lawyer, and I plan to do that just for some insight. In the meantime, I have done some research and found that my state does not recognise common law marriage. To further complicate things, my ex is married, to a woman he has not seen in over 10 years- but that's another story (and red flag).

 

I have been talking a lot to friends who know us both, and the truth is, my ex has this house but no money, as well as large debt. The friend of ours who keeps his books gave me the bottom line. I'm not sure what I'd gain from talking to the lawyer, but I plan to anyway, just to see what's what.

 

My share would be purely sweat equity, he paid all the mortgage and taxes, and most of the bills, by his own choice. He was always very generous to me in this and other ways and we never had any issues over money. He has said, and he will because he's true blue in this way, that he'll help me financially with rent money when I get a new place.

 

While I will see what a lawyer has to say, I have no desire to place any hardship on him. I know I'll have people telling me to try to get some kind of compensation, but the truth is, I have no desire to battle him or make his life more difficult, nor do I want to waste the energy I could put putting toward making my own life better. I don't say this in a doormat kind of way, it's just that I know the picture, which is too complex to describe here.

 

Anyhow, we'll see.

[tragicglands]

He has said, and he will because he's true blue in this way, that he'll help me financially with rent money when I get a new place.

That's pretty cool. Very cool.

 

What is the etymology of "reg flag?" I'm sorry, but it is beginning to annoy me. Maybe if it has a cool history, I can get over it.

[polywog]

Poly,

 

I can really relate to your story. It was hell for me too. My ex broke up with me several months before I was due to start school. I was in the middle of preparing my portifolio (it was a huge task). We came up with a plan that I would go to school, we'd continue living together as usual, and I'd work at night to help out with the rent. That got shot to hell when he broke up with me- I had to scramble looking for a place to live that I could afford as a student. I had to somehow find the time to pack up, move out, work on my portifolio and work at my full time job, on top of dealing with the break up.

 

I was fortunate to find a place where I could afford, I've been here for a little over a year now. I can really relate to you how much it scares the hell out of you to be facing the prospect of living alone after living with him for so long. I had a garden that I tended to at his house as well, that I loved to death also, I loved the place we lived at- it was part of who I was. I don't know if this would be your first time living alone or what. I moved straight out of my parents to move into a new place with my ex. So when I moved out on my own, it was my first time living on my own- it was terrifying. The nights alone were very, very lonely- I can remember very well that I cried many nights. I dreaded coming home alone, because my heart would drop whenever I remembered that I would be alone.

 

I would be making dinner for myself. I would be watching tv by myself. I would be going to bed by myself. The fact that I was on my own for the very first time was very staggering, never mind the fact after living with my ex for so long. My heart sank every time I came home to an empty house. Every time I came to an empty bed.

 

The good news? It does pass with time. It hurts like hell for a while, then you get used to it slowly!

 

Great heartfelt post, silentcharon... it helped me a lot to hear about your similar experience with the home and garden, etc. for this is what I'm suffering over and mourning the most right now. What they represent, as well as what they just are, here in this place (that I love).

 

I'm (probably) much older than you are. I've lived on my own a few times in the past and been through a marriage (we didn't own a home) and divorce already, so have gone through something like this before. But it's fascinating how as one goes through life and its stages these events resonate in ways that are the same, but move through more layers of meaning and expectation (experience). Your post brought back a lot of memories of how I felt living alone for the first time! That you went through going from your parents to your wonderful home/life with your ex to that is way bigger, and condensed than my early experiences, and I admire how you've made it through, and how wise it made you.

 

Anyhow, your post means a lot (as have some other posts you've made for me since I joined LS)...thanks... :)

[polywog]

That's pretty cool. Very cool.

 

What is the etymology of "reg flag?" I'm sorry, but it is beginning to annoy me. Maybe if it has a cool history, I can get over it.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_flag

[polywog]

That's pretty cool. Very cool.

.

 

Yes, he was not a great bf in many departments, but he rises to the occasion.

[polywog]

Geez, I have rarely felt lower. I came home yesterday and the ex took it upon himself to take all of my things out of the bedroom and dump them into a cluttered spare room. Without warning, without telling me that he wanted me to do it.

 

I knew that he wanted to move back into the house soon, and asked him to tell me when so I could take care of things. He never had that conversation with me. Then he proceeded to tell me that he wanted me to get all of my stuff out of the living room. "Even my furniture?", I asked. He said not that, but that he wanted me to get out all of my books and things, and told me that he didn't want to live with all my "clutter" and that if it wasn't put elsewhere by tomrrow then he'd carry it all upstairs. He is reclaiming his space, in a unilateral way, without considering that I am still here, without any conversation about timing, and it's very hostile.

 

By the way, moving out was his decision, and he told me over and over "stay as long as you need to, there's no rush", altho I both kept him updated on my searches and told him that I felt bad that he wasn't in his own house, even a few days ago. He replied that he was more comfortable to be away from the house.

 

He left, and I was shaking. I tried to call him, and the connection wasn't good so I actually hopped in the car in hopes of catching him at the grocery store parking lot to confront him...not my usual behavior, but I was just..well, you can probably understand.

 

Luckily, he had left and as I was driving through town I saw a mutual friend, actually the woman who set us up all those years back. She hopped in the car, and I poured it all out to her, as she listened quietly. It turned out that yesterday as she was helping him with taxes (she does his books) he expressed how angry and frustrated he was that I hadn't found a place to live yet and was feeling taken advantage of.

 

She told me that a lot of people he knows have been agreeing with him, and that in fact, she felt that way, too. It's like a 180 from how my friends think... many of them have been urging me to just take my time, (even my therapist!) as I was his SO for 9 years and should feel entitled to be there until I have saved money and find something suitable.

 

She and I talked about it for a long time, and I got where he is coming from, whether it's "right" or not. He just wants it over so he can move on in his life. As the dumper, he's way ahead of me on the timeline. And it's no secret to anyone who knows him that he's a rotten communicator, and won't really tell people what he's thinking, very passive until he explodes. I mean, it's over, but as long as I'm here, it's an impediment. I get that.

 

I had actually talked to a dear friend earlier in the day (before this) who offered me a space for a while, and she felt that though she understood the pain of leaving my precious space, that once I was out of there I could move forward in my life and that staying there would just hold me back. She's been in the same situation a few times in her life, and it was a great talk. Then when I came home to this it was as if the universe was saying the same thing.

 

Anyway, the conversation with his friend about him helped to cool me down. I called him and told him that I wanted to sit down with him today and discuss a timeline, and how we are going to work it out while I'm still in this house. He agreed to meet with me.

 

Then I stupidly went out and bought some beer and just drank too much and smoked cigarettes (I was stressed out yesterday and bought some:( though I know better. So stupid of me, it just makes everything worse as I feel like sh*t today, and really need my energy and wits to cope with this. This is not a time to bcave into numbing out, which I confess I have done a lot of lately . Must stop, and take care of myself better.

 

Whew, sorry for this long post....thanks for reading..I just had to write about it.