some bombs dropped today...

[lindya]

Yikes, that's probably something I should investigate. I might try to find a lawyer acquaintence that I can talk to tonight. It's hard to image that he would do that, but he's been pretty hostile the past few days.

 

I've heard that Mississippi has some very archaic attitudes towards cohabitation - and that could put you in a trickier position when it comes to trying to rely on legal rights. Get some expert advice on this ASAP, polywog. It's important to know exactly where you stand.

[kimberlyk]

From what I understand, the typical legal time period is 30 days, but unless he has that in writing, it is difficult to prove...I have been in past situations where I wanted my ex's out and the police had to go over the laws with us...so usually, if it's not in writing, it's just not enforceable.

[polywog]

I've heard that Mississippi has some very archaic attitudes towards cohabitation - and that could put you in a trickier position when it comes to trying to rely on legal rights. Get some expert advice on this ASAP, polywog. It's important to know exactly where you stand.

 

Thankfully, I live in the opposite of Mississippi; Massachusetts. I don't know my rights, but I will try to find out. I just don't want my stuff out on the street when I'm not home, or anything else like that. I mean, I felt very violated that he just decided to move all my stuff out of the bedroom without simply asking my to do it that day. It was a hostile act, and he was mean to me when he told me, and he basicly ordered me to move my stuff out of the living room by the next day (didn't ask, ordered). And he is nowhere to be found today when we are supposed to have a talk about my timeline for moving, etc. It's making me nervous.

[polywog]

From what I understand, the typical legal time period is 30 days, but unless he has that in writing, it is difficult to prove...I have been in past situations where I wanted my ex's out and the police had to go over the laws with us...so usually, if it's not in writing, it's just not enforceable.

 

I'm feeling so bummed out that I even have to think about him in these terms, I just didn't see it coming. That I'd have to feel like he can bark at me about my stuff and my time here. I will try to call a lawyer tonight that I know. In any case, maybe it's best to skip the trip to NY, or maybe I'm over reacting, I dunno.

[lindya]

Thankfully, I live in the opposite of Mississippi; Massachusetts.

 

Good!

 

I don't know my rights, but I will try to find out.

 

Seriously - make an appointment with an attorney as soon as you can. Over the course of 9 years there must have been some point at which you helped with redecoration or other things that might have enhanced the value of the property.

 

I just don't want my stuff out on the street when I'm not home, or anything else like that.

 

Look at getting an interim order to prohibit him from removing any of your belongings. Speaking to an attorney friend isn't really enough - you need to instruct someone to take fast action to protect your position. Especially if things have recently turned nasty, and you're about to take a trip out of town. Again...best of luck, and make sure you get that proper advice. Great as LS is, you need to speak to someone who will take some rapid and practical action on your behalf right now.

[polywog]

I'm just thinking, do you think I should talk to a lawyer first before I have the conversation with him about my timeline for moving out?

[tragicglands]

In any case, maybe it's best to skip the trip to NY, or maybe I'm over reacting, I dunno.

Hopefully he was just having a bad day. If he doesn't turn up soon, I say leave a note and hit the road!

 

I mean, they're only things, right? Admittedly, classy things. But there is probably a lot of crap in there, too.

 

Sorry... didn't mean to trash your rubbish. I'm sure it means a lot to you. If things explode whilst you're away, then your overnight bag will be intact.

 

Maybe you could relocate the coolest things before you go.

[burning 4 revenge]

Good!

:laugh:

Nice to see Mississippi has a reputation that doesn't stop at the Atlantic.

 

It'd be hilarious to see people posting from Iraq feeling sorry for people living in Mississippi.

[lindya]

I'm just thinking, do you think I should talk to a lawyer first before I have the conversation with him about my timeline for moving out?

 

Yes. This is a hugely important aspect of your life your talking about...and you need to focus on protecting your position, because from what you've said your ex bf certainly isn't going to.

[lindya]

But maybe lindya is right, and Armageddon is just around the corner. You might prefer to be a scout.

 

This woman is in a pretty serious jam here. She's losing her home and she needs to consult with an attorney who knows what he or she is talking about.

[polywog]

Good!

Seriously - make an appointment with an attorney as soon as you can. Over the course of 9 years there must have been some point at which you helped with redecoration or other things that might have enhanced the value of the property.

 

I don't want financial compensation at this point, he is broke and was always generous to me, and has promised to fix my car whenever I need to have that done (it's a nice old Benz he gave me, so not cheap for me to hire a mechanic). He had said something about helping me out with money when I find a place, and he is not someone who goes back on his word, or hasn't been.

 

 

 

Look at getting an interim order to prohibit him from removing any of your belongings. Speaking to an attorney friend isn't really enough - you need to instruct someone to take fast action to protect your position. Especially if things have recently turned nasty, and you're about to take a trip out of town. Again...best of luck, and make sure you get that proper advice. Great as LS is, you need to speak to someone who will take some rapid and practical action on your behalf right now.

 

This just feels so extreme, and I am worried that these posts here, mine and everyone else's, are making this into a more serious drama than it is. He is not a violent man, he's just pissed off that he doesn't have his way, me out of the house. I am wondering whether just telling him I have legal rights if he is not agreeable about my timeline is enough, otherwise I'm inclined to just have the talk with the info under my belt and to be ready to tell him that stuff if I need to. I may not have to. I am broke and will need all my money for moving, so a lawyer would be a last resort for me.

[polywog]

Oh, he just walked in and seems to be in a good(ish) mood! I'll post in a while to let you all know if I need a lawyer or not.

 

be back a little later...

 

polywog

[lindya]

This just feels so extreme, and I am worried that these posts here, mine and everyone else's, are making this into a more serious drama than it is.

 

Maybe. You've said that he's told you to leave, and it all seems very informal. You don't know how long you've got to look for somewhere else to live, which seems a pretty unsatisfactory situation to say the very least. You also mentioned being afraid that he would chuck out your stuff if you left town - but from what you're now saying, you don't think he will.

 

Being in an insecure situation and not knowing what your position is bound to make you anxious. If you can't afford an attorney, is there a charitable organisation that could give you some advice? We have something called Shelter over here - an organisation that gives extremely good (free) advice to people in your kind of situation. I'm wondering if there is something similar to that in your area?

 

Whatever people might say about dramatising a situation like this, the fact remains that you have been told you can't stay in your current home - and from what you're saying you don't have a permanent address to move to. You're having to try to negotiate extra time with someone you've had a relationship with, and that must make the situation extra stressful for you. I would just like to see you getting some proper professional advice about this in an attempt to put yourself on a more secure footing...rather than relying on the ex bf's goodwill.

 

Anyway, good luck whatever you do. I wish I could be of more assistance.

[Art_Critic]

This woman is in a pretty serious jam here. She's losing her home and she needs to consult with an attorney who knows what he or she is talking about.

 

I agree here.. I think that things are going to go a very wrong way here..

 

I agree that action needs to be taken VERY seriously here..

We are not talking about an 18 year old that has only a stereo/cd's to protect.

We are talking about 9 years of property and possible equity in his home..

 

GET an Attorney Now... at least speak with one to find out what rights you have.. even if you don't enforce those rights at least you will know them and have an order in force in case he decides to destroy your life..

and as Lindya has said you might need extra time and an attorney would put that all in place

 

Listen to Lindya

[polywog]

Well, this is unsatisfactory. He's here in the house, he took a shower while I was upstairs, and went into his room. I went downstairs and waited for a while for him to come out so we could talk, as we had agreed.

 

Finally, I went to the door of his room and said his name, and I heard a muffled "yeah?" Turns out he was sleeping, he'd gone to bed and it's only 7:30. I said "I'd like to have that talk", and he said, "not now" in a sleepy, grumpy way. He is avoiding it! He's here in the house, knows we were supposed to have this talk, and he's going to sleep! WTF! I don't know what to think, except that he is both avoiding it and thus controlling it.

 

I have to go out to to the grocery, but will be back shortly for the onslaught of advice and reactions (I hope, because you guys are all I have right now:bunny:)

 

PS- lynda, I super appreciate your advice and concern, and it's well taken... I hope I didn't make it sound like I didn't appreciate it.

[lindya]

PS- lynda, I super appreciate your advice and concern, and it's well taken... I hope I didn't make it sound like I didn't appreciate it.

 

I didn't get that impression (ie that you didn't appreciate my advice) at all, polywog. I just wish I could be of more help - and I really hope you get things sorted out soon.

[polywog]

I agree here.. I think that things are going to go a very wrong way here..

 

I agree that action needs to be taken VERY seriously here..

We are not talking about an 18 year old that has only a stereo/cd's to protect.

We are talking about 9 years of property and possible equity in his home..

 

GET an Attorney Now... at least speak with one to find out what rights you have.. even if you don't enforce those rights at least you will know them and have an order in force in case he decides to destroy your life..

and as Lindya has said you might need extra time and an attorney would put that all in place

 

Listen to Lindya

 

Just noticed your post Art.

 

I would like to talk informally to someone to see what my rights are, but as for Getting a attorney... gotta think a bit about that, as this is against my nature (and budget).

 

Be back shortly....

[silentcharon]

For starters, look up common law rights under your state online. This should give you a general idea of what you are entitled to. I don't know much about law, but I agree with others, talk to an lawyer! I didn't talk to a lawyer because we didn't have assets or share anything jointly.

 

I'm sure your ex is a nice man, but you really do have to look out for yourself. You put money towards his house, that could be counted for equity! You are ENTITLED to some things, just as you would if you were actually married to him. If you aren't going to get legal advice RIGHT NOW, that's fine- at least look some things up online and know what your rights are, and account for what you are entitled to, and come back later when you have your head on straight. You should do that at the very least RIGHT NOW.

 

And usually, you can talk to lawyers, they don't charge you for first time meetings. Get some advice of some sort, please!

[polywog]

OK, I got home from the store, and he got up to talk to me. Well, really because he realized that he needed to charge his cellphone and had to get the charger. But he did sit down to talk to me, with a stern demeanor.

 

I told him that I found a temporary place to stay, and that I would probably start staying there next week. I told him that I wanted to get all my stuff out as soon as possible and that I was looking into storage options, and that I was going to start packing asap, but it could probably take up to a few weeks to get everything out. He said that he understood this, and that it was OK, but he had been unhappy when he came in after two months and saw no progress in my packing and moving.

 

I told him that his behavior around moving my stuff out of the bedroom made me nervous about how he was going to treat my stuff, and that it made me worry about going away for a few days, that I didn't want to see this kind of thing happening. He replied that it wouldn't happen. I spent the morning clearing out a lot of books and cluttery sort of personal things that were sitting around, and he said that was what he had wanted to see. He is eager for me to be out, though, but it sounds like he is agreeable as long as it is in progress.

 

He was not particuarly friendly during this conversation, but at least he wasn't being the dick-head he was yesterday, he was mostly civil, except that he was not while I talked about the bedroom-moving incident. He felt completely justified in what he did, because he is basicly not respectful or sympathetic toward me. (Then he got up an went back to bed.)

 

I will try to have an informal talk with a lawyer, but I don't see the need at this moment to hire anyone.

 

I just feel like the good, if painful, thing that happened through all this is that it has forced me to move forward. And when I look at him, I will be happy to get away... I don't feel much nostalgia at this point, and no desire to be back with him.

 

That's the summary, and it's rather unexciting (thankfully). I'm feeling exhausted by it right now.

 

Thanks all for listening. I just love this place, it has really really helped me, all a yas.

[tragicglands]

Cool. Sounds like good news on the verizon.

[Art_Critic]

PW.. it is good that you had the talk.. but you still need to get legal advice..

 

The fact that he is now back in the house makes it even more of a trigger.. and all he has to do is get a wild hair and boom...

 

I am not saying to start anything.. but you need to be prepared to if need be.. this is how people get caught off guard and wind up on the street because of a nasty spouse..

 

Just get your ducks in a row and don't trust him.. trust yourself..

[Art_Critic]

Cool. Sounds like good news on the verizon.

 

What good news is on the verizon ?

[polywog]

PW.. it is good that you had the talk.. but you still need to get legal advice..

 

The fact that he is now back in the house makes it even more of a trigger.. and all he has to do is get a wild hair and boom...

 

I am not saying to start anything.. but you need to be prepared to if need be.. this is how people get caught off guard and wind up on the street because of a nasty spouse..

 

Just get your ducks in a row and don't trust him.. trust yourself..

 

Thanks Art. Yes, I despite all my experience in life, I'm always such a trusting person (maybe because I am trustworthy mysef).

 

I was planning to go to NYC, but there's a big storm today and my friends I'm meeting there are flying in tonight from FLA, and we are thinking the flights might get cancelled...plus the bus ride would be harrowing, etc. so I have today to deal with this stuff, it looks like. So I will bite the bullet and call a few lawyers.

 

While the ex is supposedly back in the house, he evidently snuck out last night leaving the lights and TV on in his room. While I was running some errands this morn I noticed his car parked in front of her house. Obviously my being here is Not comfortable for him, and he could still be stewing over my being here, and maybe turn pushy again despite our talk.

[polywog]

Despite going through this hell, I got some amazing insights (gifts)in the past few days which are helping me to cope with this mess.

 

Last night an acquaintence called out of the blue to tell me that she has a meditation group on Thursday nights. It's a small group, and they sit for a half hour to meditate together then they just talk about what is going on in their lives. It's a group of my peers, other artists and writers and such, for what that's worth.

 

I told her I probably couldn't come because I was waiting to have "the talk" with the ex (she knows a little about my sitch). But I began to talk about how devastated I was to especially leave my beloved garden, and how it's not just the place, it's something I created, I made the dirt, know every bird that nests nearby and how they know me (they follow me when I dig so they can get bugs from the soil), how it's a part of my heart and soul, in ways that would take too long to enumerate here.

 

She then told me how she bought a house with her bf that she thought she'd be in untill the day she died, and created a garden and planted fruit trees, etc. It especially meant a lot to her because she moved a lot as a child, and this epitomized the stability she craved. Her relationship to all this is like mine, and she's similar to me in that she is a poet and nature girl. Devastating things happened, the relationship ended, and she had to leave this place behind... like me, something she never thought she'd have to ever do.

 

But she told me something beautiful. She told me that her garden was a great teacher, and that she brings the garden with her wherever she goes.

You know, what it gave her, taught her. That it's not just the physical plot of earth, but the spirit-essence of it.

 

The story just entered my heart, and for the very first time since the break up (2 months ago) I cried. I am one of those people who doesn't cry easily about things that happen to myself. I know this might sound unbelievable, given the pain I've been through with this break up, but that's just how I am, my temperament is stoical when it comes to me. I have really needed that big cry, and here it came.

 

What this did was amazing, and not expected. I suddenly saw this place as a shell, I mean not intellectually; because I have mulled that concept over in my head, but in my gut...and it just reframed everything and made my world bigger. It somehow released me from what I've been hanging onto. Because I can take it with me.

 

Of course, I am still aching as I pack up and prepare to move from this wonderful place to a friend's basement apartment which is only temporary, then who knows, the great scary unknown, etc... but I really got an unexpected gift (insight).

 

Ain't the world nice that way, sometimes?

 

[tragicglands]

I suddenly saw this place as a shell,

That's LoveShack, all right. If you put your ear up to the screen, you can hear the whirl of our collective conscience.

 

(I know... sometimes I can't hear anything, either.)