Lepeka Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Well my SO and I have been together a year and a half... with almost an entire year apart coming in May. We really haven't had things too badly... I saw him in July, October, December, and just got back in February. We are so close to the end that it's unbearable.. He'll be back most of June and the beginning of July and then I move down there in August. The thing is.. I don't know if I even want this anymore. It's been a long road and I feel stupid to throw in the towel right before things could actually work... but I feel like my heart is in another place. I'm not interested in anyone and haven't met anyone. The problem is I just only see my SO as a friend right now. I don't know how to get out of this mindset. I love him and care about him a ton... I just don't know if I'm IN love with him anymore. It seems like the spark we once had and all the fun times are just gone. We sit on the phone in silence after we talk broadly about our days and then one of us eventually decides to go. I feel like we are losing our connection and there is nothing I can do. I know if he were here things would be completely different. I've told him all of these things before but i stopped because nothing ever changes and I'm scared I'm only making him feel bad. He even sent me a dozen roses for our 1 and 1/2 but even that felt empty... I'm unsure what to do... Where did the relationship go? I've felt this way before, when we left the "honeymoon" phase and started dealing with the real issues and became comfortable with each other, but it didn't last very long. Things felt good while I was there because of the excitement and whatnot but when it comes down to it... I'm just unsure. I don't know how to get away from it this time. I really do want things to work out, how do i get those romantic feelings back? how do i keep this going when we barely even talk? has anyone been here before? what did you do? Link to post Share on other sites
catrocks Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 I haven't been in this exact same situation but I'll try to help! My fiancé and I have been together for 3 and a half years and have been in an LDR for 2 years - I live in UK and he lives in Ohio. The longest we have gone without seeing each other is 6 months. Luckily, since I'm a student I get long summer breaks so I have been able to go stay with him for like a month in the summer which is great. We get on really well and hardly ever argue and we are getting married in September... I'm moving over there to be with him. But when we first got engaged I was completely freaked out - at first I was so happy but when I got back home after the summer I started to wonder.... is this right? We hardly see each other, will we be able to survive real life together and seeing each other every day? I also worry about giving up my life here because I have lived in this country most of my life and all my family are here. It's scary, moving far away to be with the one you love. I wonder if part of your worries are because it's sucha huge step and you are moving to be with him and giving up a lot of stuff, and what if it doesn't work etc. I have the same thing - I just talk to him about it and we figure it out together. About the feeling like you're just friends, I have had that as well. In fact, when we saw each other after we'd been apart for those 6 months I completely freaked out cos when we kissed it was like kissing a friend, and it felt totally weird. After the first day it felt back to normal though. When we were apart once and I was thinking that we were more friends, I spoke to him about it and we reassured each other and then I stopped feeling like that. The thing with distance is, when you see each other there's pressure to do everything together and spend as much time together as possible. And its the same when you talk on the phone - if you were together in person you'd be perhaps watching TV or reading and not talking constantly, but on the phone there is pressure to say loads of things, and I don't think that's natural at all. Sometimes we have the same thing where we can't think of anything to say and the conversation is going stale, so we have 'activities' to do together online. This includes playing online Scrabble (http://www.isc.ro) and all the games you can play on msn messenger. It takes the edge off having to talk all the time and you can have fun together. Perhaps I'm just a geek but I think it's nice when we do these things cos it's different. Sorry the reply is so long, as I said I haven't had the exact same problem but I think you need to know that everyone feels like this in LDRs and there's nothing wrong with having doubts - perhaps you need to talk to him more about it or maybe have a break from talking to each other for a couple of days and I bet the conversation will be a lot better after that. It's like most things - if you get into a routine it's boring! Try and spice it up a bit I really hope that helped you and wasn't just meaningless rambling! xx Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetie2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Well my SO and I have been together a year and a half... with almost an entire year apart coming in May. We really haven't had things too badly... I saw him in July, October, December, and just got back in February. We are so close to the end that it's unbearable.. He'll be back most of June and the beginning of July and then I move down there in August. The thing is.. I don't know if I even want this anymore. It's been a long road and I feel stupid to throw in the towel right before things could actually work... but I feel like my heart is in another place. I'm not interested in anyone and haven't met anyone. The problem is I just only see my SO as a friend right now. I don't know how to get out of this mindset. I love him and care about him a ton... I just don't know if I'm IN love with him anymore. It seems like the spark we once had and all the fun times are just gone. We sit on the phone in silence after we talk broadly about our days and then one of us eventually decides to go. I feel like we are losing our connection and there is nothing I can do. I know if he were here things would be completely different. I've told him all of these things before but i stopped because nothing ever changes and I'm scared I'm only making him feel bad. He even sent me a dozen roses for our 1 and 1/2 but even that felt empty... I'm unsure what to do... Where did the relationship go? What exactly is it that you don't want? The distance, the time when your not together? or the relationship in general? I felt like I didn't want my LDR last summer, for a couple of weeks, but I realized after some reflection, that what I really didn't want was to have to be thousands of miles away from the person I love. It wasn't the relationship I hated, it was the distance between us, and strain that put on us. The feeling like friend's thing, that's okay, because your SO should be your best friend as well as your lover. I'm sure you know the speach about being able to to trust him, talk to him, bla bla bla, I'll save you that mushy stuff. Basically, what you need to figure out is if you still love him, or not? Sometimes, even in the last 2.5 months my BF and I have been together, I've felt like we're more friends than BF and GF, but that's okay, sometimes, as long as you both love each other. I think accepting that is hard. It's just that I don't get the butterflies in my stomach when I see him (after seeing him every day for 2.5 months), and my heart doesn't jump when he touches me. That's okay, and if you still love your SO, then feeling comfortable enough that you don't get those jittery feelings, is okay, IMO. My heart jumped, and I felt faint when I saw my BF in the airport, that's when I knew that the feelings of distance I'd felt when we were apart, were just the physical distance between you. I think you said it yourself, that if he were there it would be completely different. Don't worry, your not alone in what you feel! Take some time and reflect, tell him you need some "me time", but not to worry, you love him and bla bla bla, then take a day, or two, without contact, and really try to figure out how you feel, and then go from that... Communication is key in a LDR, so talk to him, tell him how you feel, don't be afraid to get a little girlie and emotional sometimes, I find it works wonders to get some emotion out of my guy...although that could just be him, ... just try to stay positive, and open. Good luck! Sorry this is so long... Link to post Share on other sites
ibitealil Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 Well my SO and I have been together a year and a half... with almost an entire year apart coming in May. We really haven't Me and my friend are students abroad. My friend is married with a kid. She has to stay here away from her family for 3 years. Though she visits her husband during the summer break. And she told me that after not seeing her husband such a long time she started to feel weird. She told me that kissing him and makng love to him was strange at first when she got back home during the summer as if it was her friend not a husband and then after a while it went away back to normal. So i guess distance just makes u less emotional and plus the fact tht u get used to being away from him for a long time requires u to change. Change is always difficult. And difficulties u gone through all this time also make u less emotional and exhausted i guess. I think u ll stop feeling like this if u meet him and open up. Try to talk to him. and see how it goes. Hope that helps. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 I went through something similar. My husband left the US in January of 2003. I went to visit in July and it was a little weird but it went away immediately. The next 3 years we were all long distance. I hadn't seen him, not even pictures, and he hadn't seen me. We just talked on the phone. We talked almost daily - usually great conversations - sometimes fights - bickering or whatever. In July of 2006 I traveled there to marry him. Just before going - about 4 or 5 months before, I had this weird feeling that it was the feeling of keeping us together that I was really holding on to. That I had been so dedicated to staying strong and holding on - but once that was gone would I really want him. In the 2 months before I went that was clarified. He somehow took the reigns and reassured me - just by being himself - that he was the one and only man for me. I was reminded of his character, his strength, and his devotion to me. It was all of this and more but such a peace came from it. After that brief time of being unsure, a feeling of relief washed over me. I became so sure of marrying him - it was the easiest thing in the world. No cold feet. No second thoughts. And when I stepped out of the airport and he embraced me it was as it always had been but with a pure happiness like I'd never felt before. So the best advice I can give is don't panic about those feelings. Just realize they can happen when so much time and distance is a factor. There is an insecurity about the enduring LDR. That it is so good when LD but what happens when you have to live with that person every day. That's all it is really. Link to post Share on other sites
pennyjosix Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 I am also in a long distance relationship, and I think when you don't get to spend very much time together you can't help but feel like friends because other than the words you speak to each other you treat them like your friends. Call each other, text, talk online, e-mail, etc is all stuff you do regularly with your friends. It's the moments of being together that you actually get to have a relationship. I suggest you be patient with yourself Link to post Share on other sites
thoughtsofhim Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 I ended up taking a few days break to really think about things. I wouldn't even call it a break... more like some "me" time. We didn't contact each other for about a week, and it was a lot harder than I thought to be without him. I realized that I couldn't even imagine being his friend. Sitting in a room and not holding his hand or having his arm around me would be unbearable. In the end I called him a day early than we agreed to. I simply couldn't wait to talk to him any longer and now we are back to being strong as ever We even seem to have more to talk about. Thanks for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetie2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 and now we are back to being strong as ever We even seem to have more to talk about. Thanks for the advice. I'm glad it worked out for you! Sometimes what you need is some time for your feelings to sort themselves out... good luck in the future! Link to post Share on other sites
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