Manto Posted November 29, 2002 Share Posted November 29, 2002 I've been friends with a co-worker of mine for about three years. About 5 months ago, we became more than friends. We began seeing each other outside of work and the relationship escalated to the max. We've had everything: love, passion, romance. We found out that we have mutual feelings of love and care. We tell each other "I love you". We have gone on dates and shared a lot of ourselves with each other. Here's the problem: she's married (but separated and still lives apart) with kids. She feels that it is important for her to dedicate herself to her children and in order to do that, she needs to work on her relationship with her alcoholic husband. She was stressed out because she was taking care of her kids all by herself, now her husband has shown back up and is helping her out with the kids which is reducing her stress. She wants to work on her marriage and does still love her husband. She has been backing off from me lately for all of these reasons. I am devastaed because we don't spend time together anymore. We don't make love anymore. I know that she still loves me and is still crazy about me, but she is suppressing those feelings because she feels that is what she needs to do. She is not being gentle about letting me down, and it is hurting my feelings. I do want her to be happy, and respect her dedication to her kids, but she is throwing away all of the love and romance and passion that we still feel for each other. What do I do to convince her that she needs to find a way to fit me into her life because that is what her heart is telling her? or What else should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 29, 2002 Share Posted November 29, 2002 While she may think she loves and cares for you, she was basically using you while she was waiting for her husband to come around. Even though her husband is an alcoholic, he is the father of her children and that's a very strong bond that will be there until she dies. Treasure the golden moments you spent with her and move on. You're in a battle that will never end. If she should come back to you for a while, it would only be for the purpose of manipulating or motivating her husband to do what she wants. To a woman, her children will always be the most important things in her life and she will do whatever she has to do to make their life as pleasant as possible. Right now, you don't fit into any plan to accomplish that. Face the fact that you were comic relief for her while she was having problems with her husband. Now that he's back in the picture, there's no room for you in the picture. Right now, while she's trying to work on her domestic situation, she has absolutely no reason to have anything to do with you. So you were used...and you seem to want to be used again. Don't put yourself in that position. I urge you to delete this woman from your hard drive and seek out single, unattached women with as little baggage as possible. There are many out there and you will find relationships with them will not be nearly as volatile as one with a woman who has children and an estranged husband who is about to return. Good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
CityGyrl Posted December 4, 2002 Share Posted December 4, 2002 Manto: Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do to convince her to come back to you. It's obvious that she always loved her husband and hoped that he would come back to his senses so that they could be a family again. Sometimes you have to pay more attention to what a person does than what they say. She may have said that she loved you but what did she show by her actions? Her actions are saying that she wants to work things out with her family. You filled a void for her during a very rough time in her life. I'm sure you both had wonderful times together. But at some point, you have to realize that you deserve someone who can give their total and complete devotion to you and only you. You are worth it! While I know it may hurt please know that you deserve better. Sometimes you have to love a person from a distance and realize that being with them is only going to cause you pain. My advice to you........bow out gracefully and exit stage right. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
pinkroses Posted December 9, 2002 Share Posted December 9, 2002 to take Tony's advice to heart, it's brilliant and so well-worded. And from my own experience as well as common knowledge, getting involved with a married person is a guaranteed heartache. This woman obviously allowed you to give her the attention and romance she was lacking apart from her husband, but deep down her dedication is going to be to her kids and her marriage. You fell in love, but that doesn't mean it's what is best for either of you. You have little choice but to grieve the loss of what you had with this woman and let her go. Though it seems impossible at the time, your heart will heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 23, 2002 Share Posted December 23, 2002 REMEMBER: She has a husband and children. Do you really want to come between her and her family? And if so, what kind of a person does that make you? There are children involved - if she loves her husband and think they can work it out - she owes it to herself and her family to try and make it work. If you whine about it or try and stop her, she will resent you and it will ruin your relationship. Don't fool yourself - you are the odd one out. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and find someone who can dedicate herself to your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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