snow_flake Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 My boyfriend and I are both in our early to mid 20's. We've been friends for almost 5 years (the majority of which he had shown interest and tried to date me) but decided to date right before he had to move away for work. We've now been dating for about 7 months. We've had a lot of ups and downs, trust issues and insecurity problems but in the end we both are very commited and are very much in love...or so it seems... On his last visit, curiosity got the better of me and I looked through the text messages in his phone and found a suspicious number of messages to a girl he had told me he only talks to occasionally. I found two which ended with an "I miss you!" and another which said "I was lying down and I thought of you." He tells me he never meant it in any unfaithful way and he didn't realize that kind of vocabulary would affect me so much so he won't do that anymore. As unlikely as it sounds, he adamantly sticks with his story that he wasn't flirting and this is a purely platonic thing. The "I miss you" I can understand and forgive, but the "lying down and thinking of you" I just can't shake. Is it possible that he truly is that dense and meant nothing by it? I've realized that I really love him as although I feel like he's betrayed me, I still feel that I want to work things out with him. I know he loves me as I've truly given him and keep on giving him hell for it and he still sticks by my side and wants to earn back my trust. Can we both learn and grow from this especially in an LDR situation? Or is my paranoia getting the better of me and I'm over reacting over nothing? Link to post Share on other sites
tragicglands Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 The "I miss you" I can understand and forgive, but the "lying down and thinking of you" I just can't shake. Is it possible that he truly is that dense and meant nothing by it? I think he was probably giving blood, or something like that. I often think of my friends in such situations. I truly hope that it is nothing to worry about. Do you have a gut feeling for his feelings for you? You didn't have any nagging doubts before your "discovery," right? Or did you put those feelings down to irrational feelings of insecurity? (I use the word irrational loosely.) Link to post Share on other sites
PracticalShade Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Who lies down and thinks of someone on a non-intimate level? I think you shouldn't jump to conclusions necessarily but you should be wary... most people don't associate lying down with someone unless they've actually done so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snow_flake Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 Do you have a gut feeling for his feelings for you? You didn't have any nagging doubts before your "discovery," right? Or did you put those feelings down to irrational feelings of insecurity? (I use the word irrational loosely.) I do really believe that he loves me and wants to have a future with me. And, unfortunately there has been one incident where a friend visited him but he didnt tell me until he was at the airport...via text message i might add. He never picked up or returned my calls until later that night and his reasoning was that he didnt want to play bad host by being on the phone. We fought about it, he apolgized for not informing me sooner and promised to tell me everything from then on which he pretty much has been. But since then I've been suspicious of who this visitor might have been and I've had some trust issues ever since. Link to post Share on other sites
PracticalShade Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 do what you gotta do to quash those trust issues. I was dealing with a lot of the same things (recently posted entitled "The 'Me Time' Saga") and if you cant find away to resolve and build that trust... it will always haunt you. If he reassures you and you still become suspicious... you might never have that high level of bonding that the relationship needs. Link to post Share on other sites
catrocks Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 I think it is quite possible that he was just being dense about and it didn't mean it in a flirting way - she on the other hand is just annoying and needs to go away. But I have seen attached men being flirted with and they generally have no idea that the chick is flirting - they generally seem to think the ladies are just being friendly! I think you should trust him on this one and hope that the annoying girl goes away and finds a boyfriend or something - ooh you could get your bf to set her up!!! She needs to know that it's not ok to send messages like that to your bf. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetie2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 very commited and are very much in love... On his last visit, curiosity got the better of me and I looked through the text messages in his phone and found a suspicious number of messages to a girl he had told me he only talks to occasionally. I found two which ended with an "I miss you!" and another which said "I was lying down and I thought of you." He tells me he never meant it in any unfaithful way and he didn't realize that kind of vocabulary would affect me so much so he won't do that anymore. As unlikely as it sounds, he adamantly sticks with his story that he wasn't flirting and this is a purely platonic thing. Is it possible that he truly is that dense and meant nothing by it? I've realized that I really love him as although I feel like he's betrayed me, I still feel that I want to work things out with him. I know he loves me as I've truly given him and keep on giving him hell for it and he still sticks by my side and wants to earn back my trust. Can we both learn and grow from this especially in an LDR situation? Or is my paranoia getting the better of me and I'm over reacting over nothing? I don't think your over reacting, there definetly is something going on if he lays down and thinks about another girl, and tells her that he misses her. That's not something someone in a commited relationship says. If you confronted him, and he promised not to do it, the only thing to do is try to proove that, if you want to be 100% sure. Although before he sees you again, he could just delete the messages... If you love him, and believe that it meant nothing, then I guess you let things go, and see what happens. Maybe in a week or so you should ask him something about "so what happened with that girl?", and see what his reaction is. If he tries to hide it, he's guilty, if he thinks nothing of it and just tells you that nothing happened, then you have to judge by what he says, if it's believeable or not, only you can tell that. I'm not sure what else to tell you, what I wrote above is what I would do in your situation. If you can get through this, and get the trust and commitment feelings back 100%, then you could grow closer together, through this... I hope this helped, sorry it's so long :S... good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
kimberlyk Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 I say dump him. I agree that if some girl is 'lying down and thinking of him' and texting that to him, she is more than likely fantasizing about him in some way...otherwise she would be thinking of someone or something else, not HIM. Be smart about your decisions in life, starting with this one...you know what happens when the cat is away, "the mice will play". You can find a better, more trusting man who will not allow doubt to enter your mind...before you know it, he may even possibly turn it around on you and tell you that you are just insecure, you don't need that kind of vicious cycle in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
catrocks Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Ok so I just read what I wrote and what you actually wrote and I misunderstood the first time I read it - I thought she had sent the messages to him. It's totally different if he sent them to her and I don't think you are overreacting at all. If you believe him you should give him another chance but be wary for a while.... it all depends how much you believe him. If you think he's bsing you and you think that after this you'll always be wondering if he's cheating on you then you have to work out whether you want to live like that, always being worried. I'm sorry I didn't read your original post properly, it's been a long day. You'll get all kinds of advice from different people but in the end, only you can make the decision of whether you trust and believe him enough to stay with him. I hope things work out anyway Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 I do really believe that he loves me and wants to have a future with me. And, unfortunately there has been one incident where a friend visited him but he didnt tell me until he was at the airport...via text message i might add. He never picked up or returned my calls until later that night and his reasoning was that he didnt want to play bad host by being on the phone. We fought about it, he apolgized for not informing me sooner and promised to tell me everything from then on which he pretty much has been. But since then I've been suspicious of who this visitor might have been and I've had some trust issues ever since. So this is what led you to check his phone, and found more to make you suspicious - HE is lying down and thought of her? And felt the need to text her? I think your suspiciouns are well-founded. That's your gut instinct talking, and that often knows a lot more than our minds and hearts are wiling to admit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snow_flake Posted March 15, 2007 Author Share Posted March 15, 2007 I have been doing a lot of research on "flirting outside of a relationship" and I've now been re-evaluating how our relationship had been during the time he talked to her and texted her more and more. Lately I've been giving him less and less attention and I wonder if maybe this is what pushed him away. I know he's very sensitive to the amount of affection and attention I give him so maybe his deflated ego caused him to turn to someone else? I don't know if I'm just rationalizing his behavior but this has been a pattern of mine throughout my dating life. Either I keep on dating insecure men or I have a problem with giving affection/attention especially when it's needed...or maybe it's a bit of both. Thank you everyone for all of your support and advice! I've decided I want to have a talk with him and lay all of this out on the table and see how he reacts. I really hope it works out and we can be proof that LDR's can work!! Link to post Share on other sites
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