Sexless Marriages and Womens Emotions

[Guest]

I know we're on a "Force the woman" phase on loveshack lately, from what I've read its all about "suck it up and meet your wifely requirements". I've also seen almost 80% or more of the replys from women have been from women who ARE sexually active/overactive so let me be the first to say:

 

"EASY FOR YOU TO SAY!"

 

okay with that out of my system, I wanted to take a more tactful and logical standpoint to try to see "why" its so difficult for a woman with no desire to just "give it up" and through wracking my brain (mostly for the wonderful Moose and James whose posts always impress me) I've come up with an answer for why my dry spells have been so hard to shake.

 

My husband is a wonderful husband, a best friend as well as a provider. We have no children but we are incredibly busy. Busy is not the answer, stress is not the answer. When I want it, trust me... I'm never "too busy" for it. And I have used sex as a de-stresser before too so I don't think stress has much to do with it.

 

The only answer I've come up with is emotional. Sex for me is very emotionally complicated/intense. I find that when I don't want sex for more then a month or so its usually because I just don't have the emotional energy to "let go" in the way I know sex requires. I have a hard time being out of control of my emotions (self-trust issues perhaps?)

 

Maybe women try to understand ourselves a bit too much, we also feel way more emotion then men do in everything that happens in our lives so perhaps theres something there, I dunno.

 

In any case, I hope that my little point of view helps. Please don't assault me with "your so selfish! blah blah blah" or "you're going to get cheated on! blah blah blah". I remember reading someone asking why no women with low libido's ever post, and your damaging valuable sources of information when you drive them away with spiteful lashouts like those - even if they are true to you, I didn't post to get help on my situation, I posted to give my point of view so that it may help you guys understand better and come up with more ideas.

 

Take care and good luck!

[Horse]

The only answer I've come up with is emotional. Sex for me is very emotionally complicated/intense. I find that when I don't want sex for more then a month or so its usually because I just don't have the emotional energy to "let go" in the way I know sex requires. I have a hard time being out of control of my emotions (self-trust issues perhaps?)

 

... But that is also why it is so important. When you both get together, you let go and open up. It (ideally) allows you both to reconnect with open hearts.

 

If it was just about satisfying some simple biological urge, I can do that myself... or get someone else to do it.

[tanbark813]

we also feel way more emotion then men do in everything that happens in our lives

 

Trivializing a man's feelings is a mistake. Just because it's less socially acceptable for a man to let go of his emotions doesn't mean we're heartless. Sexual rejection is emotionally damaging. And no one is advocating "forcing" a woman to have sex. Mainly, the point is that if you're not meeting your partner's needs, it's unfair to expect them to meet yours. It's a two-way street.

[tommyr]

I find that when I don't want sex for more then a month or so its usually because I just don't have the emotional energy to "let go" in the way I know sex requires. I have a hard time being out of control of my emotions (self-trust issues perhaps?)

 

First, thank you for posting and please don't be offended when I say...

 

Sex is just really NOT that complicated!

Bring the body and the mind will follow!

 

If you STILL cannot find the energy to Do It with him, think about all the things your H does for YOU on borrowed energy.. just because he knows it's important to you and the marriage.

[Ripples]

Guest, brilliant that you posted, shame you got those kind of responses first off. I was one of the ones who mentioned women who are (to coin a phrase from the other thread) 'frigid' not posting here and wanting them too.

 

I absolutely agree with you that women and men process emotions differently. I also agree that women are more emotional than men. Neither are better or worse at it than the other, before you guys get on your high horses (BTW Guest wasn't saying you were 'heartless'). That particular reason you've voiced for lack of desire for sex seems to tie in pretty well with another reason aired - that the woman has had a fairly strict background where she has possibly been taught to not appreciate her sexuality.

 

Anyway, I'm grateful you've aired this, Guest and I hope you don't run off and don't stop posting on the subject.

[JackJack]

Sex is just really NOT that complicated!

Bring the body and the mind will follow!

 

 

 

No, its not complicated but the second thing you said, I think that is where the OP might be coming from.

 

Bring the BODY and the MIND will follow.

 

I think she is meaning for women, or most women is, if, the MIND is already there and wanting sex, then the BODy will be the one to follow.

 

I think that is a difference with men and women. For women its more about the mind and being emotionally intuned for sex to take place or for her to feel the need to want to have sex.

 

For the man it might would be more of the opposite. The body is already there and willing kind of thing.

[a4a]

Trivializing a man's feelings is a mistake. Just because it's less socially acceptable for a man to let go of his emotions doesn't mean we're heartless. Sexual rejection is emotionally damaging. And no one is advocating "forcing" a woman to have sex. Mainly, the point is that if you're not meeting your partner's needs, it's unfair to expect them to meet yours. It's a two-way street.

 

I concur Tan and add that many a man may have such high emotions when it comes to sex that they actually suffer from ED.

 

And nobody- meaning not me- said to force a woman to have sex.... that would be RAPE. She should be forced to realize it is a serious issue in a M.

 

Any partner should be willing to take responsibility, regardless of whatever causes it to occur, to try to meet their partners needs..... sexual or any realistic need. In many cases the frigid woman is not willing to step up to the plate and confront the issues that cause her to have a low libido. Chooses not to.

 

How many women that enjoy sex would be willing to deal with a man that refused to address ED or step up to the plate to do something about it?

[CynicalP]

Does it even have to be intercourse? How about a little hand job maybe some mouth action. What it takes 5 maybe 10 minutes of giving your partner some pleasure, a little sexual attention is too much of a chore you would rather scrub the toilets instead?

 

With all do respect, I wish I could just quit my job, and stop providing to the household income cause I 'm really tired of the daily grind and I hate my job. So is it okay I quit my job, shirk my financial obligations, hang out in my boxers and post messages in public forums just because I'm just not in the mood to work anymore? You think my wife would be okay with that?

[tommyr]

I think she is meaning for women, or most women is, if, the MIND is already there and wanting sex, then the BODy will be the one to follow.

 

I think that is a difference with men and women. For women its more about the mind and being emotionally intuned for sex to take place or for her to feel the need to want to have sex.

 

Allowing my body wait around for my mind to "feel like" doing anything is a surefire way for me to accomplish NOTHING in life. Did you feel like going to work today? Excercised lately? Paid taxes, cut the grass, or changed the oil?

 

Folks, I have been getting VERY good results (ie, sex 2X/week) once I explained (in a loving-but-firm way) to my wife that I NEED sex. And if she is unwilling to join me in meeting my sexual needs on a regular basis, then this would become a DEALBREAKER to the marriage. It took a few times for us talking about this for her to GET my message but she did eventually GET the point. Sex became not just MY issue, but HER's too (assuming she wanted us to stay married).

 

Moose, James, et al - if sex in your marriage is a dealbreaker to you (like it is to me) then its up to YOU to communicate this to the wife! If she won't commit to working on a marriage ending issue, then it's clear how little she values the marriage.

[JackJack]

Allowing my body wait around for my mind to "feel like" doing anything is a surefire way for me to accomplish NOTHING in life. Did you feel like going to work today? Excercised lately? Paid taxes, cut the grass, or changed the oil?

 

 

I understand what you are saying. Sure there are alot of things I would rather not do, but do them anyway. And for me, NOT YOU, but for me if I feel like something is a chore because I HAVE to do it, then I'm less likely to do it. In other words if the heart or mind is just not into it, then yes other areas will suffer.

 

I said that is how it is for me, but may not be like that for you.

[tommyr]

I understand what you are saying. Sure there are alot of things I would rather not do, but do them anyway. And for me, NOT YOU, but for me if I feel like something is a chore because I HAVE to do it, then I'm less likely to do it. In other words if the heart or mind is just not into it, then yes other areas will suffer.

 

I said that is how it is for me, but may not be like that for you.

 

When I am able to show up for life with an open mind, even the most mundane task turns out to be far better than expected. Fortunately, I happen to like sex. And it turns out, so does my wife (once I get things started, that is)

[JackJack]

Sounds like things are gettin back on track for you tommy, and hopefully stay that way.

[JamesM]

Actually, Guest, I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am living with that "attitude." And if it was occasionally, I would have no problem with it. It is not that I don't want to hear that response, I want to understand why it is and how I can change it. I only wish that you were more than a Guest...although I suspect that you are...it is just that you do not want to feel the flames personally. If you would like to PM me in confidence, I would really appreciate any input you could give me. Your feedback may be the help that I need.

 

As for flaming, read what us guys get who put up with a sexless marriage and post about it. We have to live with it, and we are expected to either force the woman to have sex or leave. Many simplified answers are given...such as "I would never put up with that." (Of course, many of these posters are not married, have no children, and truly do not know what a sexless marriage is like). But for many of us, it is not that sex is THE only reason we love our wife There are so many other qualities that our wife has that makes her superior to other possible candidates that we strive to resolve our sexual differences. If we thought sex equaled marriage or love, we would agree that it is the number one priority, be we don't. No, sex is how we want her to show us that love. To say that we are wimps and girls because we do not give ultimatums is not only false, it is offensive. From what I have observed, many of the women who have high libidos are either not married or have been married less than ten years. And no, my problems were not a problem prior to ten years of marriage.

 

As for what you said....emotions are weak for indulging in sex. Then let me add that many times I come home from work and am expected to immediately pitch in and take care of children or sit down to supper. When really I just want to read the paper and take a nap. Sex is not really complicated. Yes,we want an expression of love, but giving one's body for pleasure can be an act of love even if receiving pleasure is not necessary. And if the mind is not into it, then maybe viewing sex as another way...like cooking a nice supper...to show your husband how he is appreciated may help make sex a "necessary" part of marriage.

 

My wish is that I could somehow get into my wife's mind and have her really tell me what her mental/emotional/physical block is when it comes to sex. But I am too involved for her to really open up. Not the way it should be, but if I was a totally objective party, I think I could learn more.

[Storyrider]

I am so glad that you posted, guest. I was thinking about it, and I was thinking about posting anonymously as well because I don't want to be virtually slapped upside the head on this issue, even in fun.

 

I also have enough trouble with negative self-talk in the sack without hearing the voices of other LSers next time I'm there.

 

I am in full agreement with those posters who say it is selfish to my husband that I want sex less than he does. Well, a lot less. I have come to learn that he needs it. Maybe my knowledge makes me worse in some people's eyes.

 

I have posted at length about this recently in my own thread, and those who haven't seen it are welcome to read it.

 

Lately things have improved with us, for a couple of reasons. First, I have noticed an increase in libido as I've neared 40 (I'm about to turn 39). As a consequence of this increase, I've been fantasizing heavily, and I've simply jumped him and worked my fantasies out on him. However, my fantasies rarely involve him. I haven't told him this, of course. He even told me I was kissing him in a way I hadn't since before we were married twelve years ago. I wonder how you guys would feel about that? Is it unethical, or would you simply be glad for the action?

 

I wonder what would happen if I tried to stop fantasizing and refocused entirely on him. I wonder if things would go back to status quo.

 

As I said, I agree that I should be meeting his needs, and that I owe him that as a wife. But it is hard sometimes. You might ask how I can hurt him this way, but people hurt each other and themselves all the time. I'm not saying that makes it right, but how can a drug or alcohol addict hurt herself and the people around her? Or someone who shop lifts? Or someone who refuses to fly on airplanes? Or someone who hoards magazines? Or someone who is a chronic procrastinator? It isn't that they don't realize they are in the wrong. It is the changing that is hard. And in all those situations, I guess the payoff for the negative behavior must somehow seem worth the harm they are causing to themselves and others.

 

For those who say a man should threaten his wife with divorce, maybe that is true. It would force her to decide, and to either change, or to admit she really doesn't love her husband the way she should. Once children are involved, though, it is really complicated.

[mockeryjones]

Lately things have improved with us, for a couple of reasons. First, I have noticed an increase in libido as I've neared 40 (I'm about to turn 39). As a consequence of this increase, I've been fantasizing heavily, and I've simply jumped him and worked my fantasies out on him. However, my fantasies rarely involve him. I haven't told him this, of course. He even told me I was kissing him in a way I hadn't since before we were married twelve years ago. I wonder how you guys would feel about that? Is it unethical, or would you simply be glad for the action?

 

two comments. first, good for you!! second, fantasies about others are perfectly fine as long as you act them out with your husband and don't let him know that they aren't about him (sorry but very few men would be able to take that ego smack, i know i wouldn't).

 

I wonder what would happen if I tried to stop fantasizing and refocused entirely on him. I wonder if things would go back to status quo.

 

why bother worrying about it if it is moving in the right direction the way it is?

[Topper]

Sex is just another form of communication in a marriage. If there is a Break in that communication it usually is indicative of other problems. The Old saying is woman need to feel love to have sex,. Men need to have sex to fell loved.

I lived in a sexless marriage before my divorce My ex did not want to seek any help. She was fine in sexless marriage.

My point here is if you are living this way you need to seek some help. If there isn't any physical problems Illness or or something like that preventing you from having sex You need find a solution. Seek professional help if you have to but do something. Weather you know it or not your relationship is in deep trouble.

[Ladyjane14]

The only answer I've come up with is emotional.

 

While I agree that alot of a woman's desire for sex is emotional... I don't think we sometimes give enough attention to the physical aspects of it.

 

Lately, I think the girls here at LS have been doing a really great job of trying to understand the male POV... but SOME of the guys just don't reciprocate. In fact, there are a couple of guys floating around here who make it easy to understand WHY a wife might not be all that interested.

 

It's an UNREASONABLE expectation that women should have the same drive as men when you consider that men have TWENTY TIMES more testosterone. Their reproductive system is all about producing sperm... ours is about producing PEOPLE. It's a MUCH more complicated system and really there's only about once a month, during the day or two proceeding ovulation, when it's DRIVEN toward procreation. The rest of the time... libido is a MENTAL game.

 

Now I do think that women who choose to marry need to bring their "A-game" and work that 'mental muscle'. The marital relationship is a sexual one, and as long as both partner's are healthy enough for sex... this aspect of the relationship should be nurtured. In monogamous people, it's what separates the relationship we have with our spouse from all our other relationships.

 

But DAMN... lately I've gotten a little tired of hearing just the one side of the issue. Men aren't usually expected to 'put out' when they're otherwise unaroused. And way too many of them seem to resent having to put in consistent efforts to AROUSE their partner... a partner with ONE-TWENTIETH of the testosterone they have... a partner who relies on MENTAL ENERGY in order to arrive at arousal.

 

 

This just isn't rocket science. If you're going to 'get' a woman, learn how she works! Geez, if we were talking hi-tech MAN toys, I honestly think they'd make an effort... maybe even read the manual if they couldn't figure it out on their own.

[Gunny376]

This whole thread can be summned up as "Why Women Don't Get Enough Love ~ And Men Don't Get Enough Sex!" Connect the dots ~ already. If a woman's not in-tuned and emotinally engaged, her body's may be showing up ~ but her mind isn't ~ and what you get is passion-less sex. As one GF told me ~ "It doesn't come that easy ~ you've got to work for it!"

 

There's a lot of work that goes into sex for a woman ~ initially ~ Hell there's a lot of work that goes into being a woman ~ most of which goes un-appreciated after a man's been with them for awhile and so they quit even trying. When that goes, its a quick slide down the slippery slope.

 

When I went through my divorce, I decided to not be a fool and get my butt back into school ~ and so I started reading. I try to read at least one new book a year, if not more about women, relationship, sex, communication etc. I'm willing to bet that most men ~ have read even one in their entire marriage.

 

Marriage, love, and happiness forever after is a cultrual myth and fallacy. Marriage requires determination, committment, preserverance, communication, perpetual education (life-long), understanding "life-stages" and the impact of hormones on ones day to day life. (The list is endless)

 

Some Technical Manuals:

 

Some resources:

 

Hellen Kreidman's

 

"Light Her Fire"

"Light His Fire"

"How Can We Light A Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy?"

 

Penny Rich

 

"Pamper Your Partner" About massage

 

Alexandra Stoddard's

 

"Living Beautifully Together"

 

Harold Bloomfield, M.D, and Sirah Vettesse Ph.D

 

"Lifemates, The Love Fitness Program For A Lasting Relationship"

 

Asa Sparks

 

"The Two Minute Lover" Building Successful Relationships In A Fast Past World

 

Drs. Jordan & Maragaret Paul

 

"Do I Have To Give Up Me, To Be Loved By You?

 

Gregory J. P. Godek

 

"Romance 101, Lesson In Love"

"1001 Ways To Be Romantic"

"1001 More Ways To Be Romantic"

 

Brenda Venus

 

"Secrets of Seduction"

 

Hugh and Gayle Praher

 

"Notes To Each Other"

 

Naura Hayden

 

"How To Satisfy A Woman EVERY TIME........and have her beg for more. (Despiste the title ~ accutally a very informative book for men)

 

Lou Padget

 

"How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure" (Very infomrative book about sex)

 

The ones underlined, I recommend you read first

 

Read some guys, and from what I read, if I were a woman I wouldn't be that crazy about sex either. To a lot of women, sex is more akined to being poked with a stick.

 

I've never had the problems such as you guys described here ~ my problems stemmed from being "a work-a-holic" and being gone with literally a moment's notice for extended lengths of time, which now that I'm semi-retired should take care of themseleves. To me its all about attitude, patience, technique.

 

Half of any solving any problem is defining the problem. When you're pointting fingers, we should first look at the three we've got pointing back at ourselves.

 

Finally, its been my experience that if your more affectionate, loving, seducative without any expectation of it leading to sex each and everytime ~ the sex will take care of itself.

[tanbark813]

It's an UNREASONABLE expectation that women should have the same drive as men when you consider that men have TWENTY TIMES more testosterone.

 

This is an interesting point but if you're assuming it's unreasonable for a woman to have as high a sex drive as a man because of hormonal factors then it would also follow that it's unreasonable for men to be as emotionally as nurturing as women for the very same reason. Women are wired to nurture; men are wired to hunt and kill. This just goes back to it being a two way street: men should focus on being more loving; women should focus on f**king more.

[a4a]

This is an interesting point but if you're assuming it's unreasonable for a woman to have as high a sex drive as a man because of hormonal factors then it would also follow that it's unreasonable for men to be as emotionally as nurturing as women for the very same reason. Women are wired to nurture; men are wired to hunt and kill. This just goes back to it being a two way street: men should focus on being more loving; women should focus on f**king more.

 

Tan ya got a point there!

 

One of the partners needs to give in for the other to want to give more if a stalemate has been reached.

And I must really want kids because I have had sex with the H every day this week. Poor fella, eventually I am going to break him.

[JackJack]

I agree that one should bend first. I see alot of people who are in these situations and neither bend at all. Its like one is waiting on the other to go first. Kind of like...."if you are intimate with me, then I'll help you out more around the house.".....Or, "if you just help me out more, cuddle with me more, then I would have sex with you more."

 

I think one reason people wait on the other to bend first, is they are scared, that if they bend, then the other person wont, and they feel that them bending wont make a difference if the other one is not going to as well.

 

I do think HOWEVER, if one does go first and bends, and does his/her part and the other spouse doesn't, then that is a problem and you have to wonder if that person who doesn't bend no matter what, even wants to be apart of the relationship at all and if they are there just to be there.

[a4a]

I agree that one should bend first. I see alot of people who are in these situations and neither bend at all. Its like one is waiting on the other to go first. Kind of like...."if you are intimate with me, then I'll help you out more around the house.".....Or, "if you just help me out more, cuddle with me more, then I would have sex with you more."

 

I think one reason people wait on the other to bend first, is they are scared, that if they bend, then the other person wont, and they feel that them bending wont make a difference if the other one is not going to as well.

 

I do think HOWEVER, if one does go first and bends, and does his/her part and the other spouse doesn't, then that is a problem and you have to wonder if that person who doesn't bend no matter what, even wants to be apart of the relationship at all and if they are there just to be there.

 

WORD!

 

power struggles and control issues fall into this as well.

oh and that little thing called stubborness

[CynicalP]

This just isn't rocket science. If you're going to 'get' a woman, learn how she works! Geez, if we were talking hi-tech MAN toys, I honestly think they'd make an effort... maybe even read the manual if they couldn't figure it out on their own.

 

 

My woman is defective, is there a return policy? Damn her warrenty expired! -- Tongue in cheek comment don't take it seriously.

 

Fair enough Ladyjane14, the men here have been very vocal concerning this topic and with good reason. Most men here are frustrated with the seemingly one sidedness of their relationships where they provide for their wive's needs of shelter, security, luxury, and provide the support in helping her to obtain her life goals. Obviously, piggishly, men are asking for too much when they request a courtesy return in the form of sexual gratitude. Is it wrong to expect that men's needs and desires have the same equal measure of that of a woman's?

[a4a]

I just figured out the huge bonus to a man having a harem..... maybe one of them would be in the mood at least once a month.... :p

 

CP I agree with you 100%.

 

Men are shorted in some M's.

 

Gotta question why it is ok for a man to rub a womans back and cuddle (physical acts that she needs to feel loved) but it is so hard for a woman to even rub a penis for 5 minutes......

 

What is the block there...... would she be willing to rub his feet instead?

 

feet- back- penis...... all body parts..... all take some energy to rub them.

Do you have to get your emotions all lined up to rub a foot or back?

 

Sex hangups then? Control issue is my guess....... power.

[JackJack]

Sex hangups then? Control issue is my guess....... power.

 

That very well could be the case. Some people with sex hangups might be so deep rooted, that even they don't know why they feel the way they do or where it comes from possibly.