Sexless Marriages and Womens Emotions

[a4a]

Sex hangups then? Control issue is my guess....... power.

 

That very well could be the case. Some people with sex hangups might be so deep rooted, that even they don't know why they feel the way they do or where it comes from possibly.

 

well it is their repsonsibility to deal with those issues then.

 

See a shrink - do something.

[JackJack]

well it is their repsonsibility to deal with those issues then.

 

See a shrink - do something.

 

 

I agree. And if that person refuses to get help for those isses, then to me that would speak volumes. Such as, the spouse does not only NOT care about me, but not enough themselves to even try to save or put forth the effort to save the marriage.

[RecordProducer]

While I agree that alot of a woman's desire for sex is emotional... I don't think we sometimes give enough attention to the physical aspects of it.

I agree. The thing is - with or without emotions, with or without a partner, I just get horny and wanna f*ck. I can control my needs, but I can't deny them or ignore them.

 

It's an UNREASONABLE expectation that women should have the same drive as men when you consider that men have TWENTY TIMES more testosterone.

So how do you explain libido of women who want to have sex several times a week regularly? If I haven't had sex for a couple weeks, sex becomes something that I think of alsmot all the time - I get horny and can't get rid of that feeling no matter what.

 

Their reproductive system is all about producing sperm... ours is about producing PEOPLE. It's a MUCH more complicated system and really there's only about once a month, during the day or two proceeding ovulation, when it's DRIVEN toward procreation. The rest of the time... libido is a MENTAL game.

This sounds logical, but it's not the case with women's libidos generally.

 

The only answer I've come up with is emotional. Sex for me is very emotionally complicated/intense. I find that when I don't want sex for more then a month or so its usually because I just don't have the emotional energy to "let go" in the way I know sex requires. I have a hard time being out of control of my emotions (self-trust issues perhaps?)

 

I am sorry, I didn't understand your explanation. Can you please elaborate?

 

Trivializing a man's feelings is a mistake. Just because it's less socially acceptable for a man to let go of his emotions doesn't mean we're heartless. Sexual rejection is emotionally damaging. And no one is advocating "forcing" a woman to have sex. Mainly, the point is that if you're not meeting your partner's needs, it's unfair to expect them to meet yours. It's a two-way street.

I totally agree. I'd just like to add that I think sexual compatibility is one of the major factors that contribute to marital happiness and therefore people should start viewing it as a deal-maker or deal-breaker rather than bury their heads in the sand and claim how one should sacrifice for the other. No one wants to have sex without being desired by their spouse and no one wants to be deprived from sex beause their spouse isn't horny.

 

If you realized that you married an evil person or a complete idiot or a cheater, you wouldn't have a problem getting a divorce, right? So why is it strange for people to get divorced because of lack of sex? If your spouse spent time talking to you for only 15 minutes per month, you would consider dumping them because of neglect and lack of affection. But if they refuse to make love with you, all of a sudden that becomes a moral issue, like you're a slut or a pig if you need sex...

 

When you're financially unable to work due to health problems, the government gives you compensation. (Un)fortunately, compensating the deprivation of our basic needs is in the core of human instincts; people resort to other sources to get their needs satisfied while keeping the marriage intact. So many people are just not willing to break otherwise contentful marriages and turn their children's lives upside-down just to get laid. On the other hand, mother nature doesn't let them rest so they feel frustrated without intimacy - hence all the infidelity stories.

[tanbark813]

I totally agree. I'd just like to add that I think sexual compatibility is one of the major factors that contribute to marital happiness and therefore people should start viewing it as a deal-maker or deal-breaker rather than bury their heads in the sand and claim how one should sacrifice for the other. No one wants to have sex without being desired by their spouse and no one wants to be deprived from sex beause their spouse isn't horny.

 

If you realized that you married an evil person or a complete idiot or a cheater, you wouldn't have a problem getting a divorce, right? So why is it strange for people to get divorced because of lack of sex? If your spouse spent time talking to you for only 15 minutes per month, you would consider dumping them because of neglect and lack of affection. But if they refuse to make love with you, all of a sudden that becomes a moral issue, like you're a slut or a pig if you need sex...

 

When you're financially unable to work due to health problems, the government gives you compensation. (Un)fortunately, compensating the deprivation of our basic needs is in the core of human instincts; people resort to other sources to get their needs satisfied while keeping the marriage intact. So many people are just not willing to break otherwise contentful marriages and turn their children's lives upside-down just to get laid. On the other hand, mother nature doesn't let them rest so they feel frustrated without intimacy - hence all the infidelity stories.

 

I'm in total agreement with RP. This is weird.

[Ladyjane14]

So how do you explain libido of women who want to have sex several times a week regularly? If I haven't had sex for a couple weeks, sex becomes something that I think of alsmot all the time

 

I think that's probably just normal for you, and... I think a good deal of it has to do with your mentality regarding sex in general. You approach it as something that's going to be fun for YOU. So, when you take that "fun-for-me" attitude forward with you... you're going to enjoy more success in the frequency of your sexual relations with your mate.

 

This is kind of what I'm saying... most of it is MENTAL. The brain is a woman's biggest sex organ. That's why a man who's got a bad attitude may as well dip his partner in ice water and THEN make his move. Same difference in the reaction he's liable to get.

Men who bitch and whine don't get as much as men who tease and compliment. It's the FUN guy who's getting the action.

 

Now, over the course of a lifetime, I think there's going to be fluctuations in most women's libidos and I think that's just natural. IOW, you can marry a woman who's frequency is 5x daily , but that's no guarantee she's going to stay that way all her life. It's NOT the "bait and switch" that alot of men perceive it to be. Rather, it's just part of being a woman. We are susceptible to changes in our physiology and emotional response that deeply affect our sexual response.

 

All that said, we are also capable of getting in the game and making adjustments... IF we are willing to prioritize the health of our sexual relationship with our mates.

 

If you think about it, the height of a woman's fertility is in her 20's. That's when she's producing the most testosterone and then declining on through menopause. That OUGHT to be her sexual peak, right? So, why do we assume she's reached her "peak" in the mid to late 30's???

 

If I was to hazard a guess, I'm thinking it's because she's learned to "work it". She's developed a mental strategy, become comfortable with her body, developed her technique, and has figured out... sex can be "fun-for-me" and not just 'fun-for-him'.

 

It's all in our HEADS girls!!!

[Trialbyfire]

This is kind of what I'm saying... most of it is MENTAL. The brain is a woman's biggest sex organ. That's why a man who's got a bad attitude may as well dip his partner in ice water and THEN make his move. Same difference in the reaction he's liable to get.

Men who bitch and whine don't get as much as men who tease and compliment. It's the FUN guy who's getting the action.

 

Yes, yes, this is it.

 

Previous to a full commitment on my part, I can't do it. I've never needed to deny, probably because I've been lucky with partners in that way and more importantly because I've been deeply in love with my partners and enjoyed the physical act so much. Simply having sex is not a turn-on at all.

[Ladyjane14]

This is an interesting point but if you're assuming it's unreasonable for a woman to have as high a sex drive as a man because of hormonal factors then it would also follow that it's unreasonable for men to be as emotionally as nurturing as women for the very same reason. Women are wired to nurture; men are wired to hunt and kill. This just goes back to it being a two way street: men should focus on being more loving; women should focus on f**king more.

 

I've noticed though that men are VERY good nurturers when they choose it.

Take male nurses for example... I can't recall having ever met a bad one. I have to wonder if they aren't somehow harnessing that "hunt and kill" energy and redirecting it. This is BIG energy, right? Drive. Ambition. "Get 'r done" type energy. And there are guys who apply it to jobs that require "nurturing".

 

Now... just imagine what a man might accomplish if he were to take that kind of energy and apply it toward the emotional intimacy of his relationship with his mate. What would happen if he "nurtured" his spouse as the continued source of present and future sexual intimacy? What would happen if he dedicated some of that BIG ENERGY to maintaining his relationship as healthy and fun?

 

Hmmmm.... I'm thinking a guy like that might actually do pretty well for himself.

[RecordProducer]

I think that's probably just normal for you, and... I think a good deal of it has to do with your mentality regarding sex in general. You approach it as something that's going to be fun for YOU. So, when you take that "fun-for-me" attitude forward with you... you're going to enjoy more success in the frequency of your sexual relations with your mate.

I don't approach sex as fun, I NEED it. It feels like hunger or thirst. If it were mental, I could order my mind not to want it when I am without a partner, but I can't.

 

This is kind of what I'm saying... most of it is MENTAL. The brain is a woman's biggest sex organ. That's why a man who's got a bad attitude may as well dip his partner in ice water and THEN make his move. Same difference in the reaction he's liable to get.

Men who bitch and whine don't get as much as men who tease and compliment. It's the FUN guy who's getting the action.

As I said, my natural libido and horniness are totally not related to any specific man. If I am in love, I desire that particular man, but I can just be horny and not think about any man.

[Ladyjane14]

I've never needed to deny, probably because I've been lucky with partners in that way and more importantly because I've been deeply in love with my partners...

 

 

Yup. Those loving feelings can be so integral to the mental process.

 

Sometimes, when you're just not in the mood to 'go there', you can look at your partner and see that it just means the world to him.. and something just melts in your heart. Next thing you know, you've made that mental leap.

[Gunny376]

The biggest killer of sexual intimacy is mediocrity, many men are under the impression that in so long as they’re not yelling at their wives, beating them or cheating on them, providing for them, leaving messes around the house that they are good husbands.

 

All that means is that aren’t bad husbands ~ their average husbands.

 

Instead of not just yelling at their wives, husbands should make an effort to say lots of wonderful things to their wives. Instead of not just beating his wife, a husband should make certain he often lovingly touches her: stroking her hair, lightly kissing her neck, gently massaging her shoulders, kindly rubbing her feet, and giving her light kisses on her cheek, nose, ears, forehead, and of course, lips. A man should only not cheat on his wife, he should passionately seduce her. Not being a total slob isn't bad, but helping your wife with the chores is even better. Giving her a whole day or week off from her usual chores and you doing them for her is best. Men should never settle for being average. If your relationship has been in neutral, its time for you to move into first gear.

 

If you find that you have fallen into the mediocrity trap, then you probably shouldn't be too surprised that your sex life has suffered as a result. Some ways to avoid mediocrity and rise to the top.

 

One great way to avoid mediocrity and keep sex spicy hot is to learn how to make love outside of the bedroom.

 

No, I"m not talking about making love on the kitchen counter or dining room table. I"m talking about making love with your woman in a non-sexual way. If she regularly prepares supper, do you ever ask her if she needs help? If she is the one that normally does the dishes, do you regularly do them instead? Do you help her around the house? Do you touch her in non-sexual ways? Do you ever kiss her outside the bedroom? I promise you, the better you learn to make love to her outside of the bedroom, the better she will make love with you inside the bedroom. If she is resentful for the things you do (or don't do) outside the bedroom, how can she give herself to you fully and excitedly in the bedroom? Something to think about! Do you ever touch her outside the bedroom? One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to only touch you lady when you want sex. She will pick up on this and likely start to resent you for it. Instead, be sure to touch her often in a non-sexual way. For instance, while she is cooking or brushing her teeth in the mirror, go up behind her and give her a big hug. Or, if she is working on the computer or reading a book, go up behind her and give her a small kiss on the neck or a backrub. Pay attention. There are many opportunities throughout your day together to do this for her. She will feel appreciated and she will love you for it.

 

Do you ever kiss her - REALLY kiss her? I say anything under 10 seconds doesn't even qualify as a kiss. Sure, there will be times when you have to dash off to the store before it closes and a peck will have to do, but try to make those times the exception rather than the rule

 

Do you spend time together? Make a conscious effort to make quality time for your partner every day - even if its only ten minutes of snuggling before going to sleep. Most women need to make a connection everyday. Take a walk together after dinner. Have a laugh at the supermarket. Clean or wash the car together. Have fun doing whatever you do together. Take a class. Join a club. Support a candidate. Plan a getaway. Tickle. Be Goofy. Just make sure you spend quality time with your lady - everyday. She will love you for it.

 

Create rituals that involve sharing time. No matter how busy you are, make the time. Have one night a week set aside to watch videos in bed. Go for a special brunch every Sunday. Read the Sunday paper together in bed. Make her breakfast every Saturday morning. You get the idea. Rituals are an important part of a relationship. They provide fun, anticipation, security, and mostly intimacy

 

Do you talk to her? Do you listen to her - REALLY listen? Ask her about her day and then listen to her. Don't try to solve all of her problems. Just sympathize with her, tell her you love her, and let her know that you are her biggest fan.

 

Do you compliment her? Do you build her up and brag on her in front of others? Do you help her out with chores, the kids, and housework? Does she feel overburdened?

 

When is the last time you called her just to say, "I love you"?

 

When is the last time the two of you went somewhere romantic Take her away for the weekend. Don't expect sex. Don't ask for it. Just work on rediscovering what it was about each other that made you fall in love in the first place. The sex will likely follow!

 

One of the things that Dr. Hellen Kreidmen's recommends is spending the first thirty minutes when to two you first get home is just re-connecting from the day. No TV, no radio, no going through the mail, reading the paper ~ just concentrating on each other ~ she says even no children to the extent possible.

[JackJack]

Great post Gunny! That was something so many people needed to hear, and so did I. I'm glad I read this post and came across your reply, its something I can deffo take with me, when I get married in 2 months! I hope I not only remember it, but use it in my married life.

[Trialbyfire]

Gunny, that was amazing.

 

The only thing I would add is that there's no reason why you can't make love outside of the bedroom, if you have no kids or the kids are asleep or not home. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is. Keep it fresh...

[Gunny376]

Gunny, that was amazing.

 

The only thing I would add is that there's no reason why you can't make love outside of the bedroom, if you have no kids or the kids are asleep or not home. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is. Keep it fresh...

 

 

True! But you need to be making the non-sexual love outside of the bedroom everyday ~ with no expectation of it necessarly leading to making sensual love in the bedroom everytime.

 

BTW Hygine is important ~ the next one of your guys get to feeling frisky, stick a pair of your dirty shorts over your head, while your gal sands your face and azz with a sheet of 20 grade rough sandpaper! If that doesn't put you in the mood I don't know what will!

[climbergirl]

LJ and RP-I think you're both right.

 

Women have animalistic urges just as men do. If I go a few days w/o sex, I'm getting antsy--a few weeks, and just as RP said, it's all I can think about. It's worse when I know I probably won't be getting any for a long time.

 

That's the physical need.

 

On the flip side (emotional), I can't have sex with someone I don't have a bond with. That means no one night stands, no sex with someone I'm not attracted to.

 

That's the emotional need.

 

So why can't sex be be both a physcial and emotional act for women?

[tommyr]

The biggest killer of sexual intimacy is mediocrity, many men are under the impression that in so long as they’re not yelling at their wives, beating them or cheating on them, providing for them, leaving messes around the house that they are good husbands.

 

All that means is that aren’t bad husbands ~ their average husbands.

 

Sex on a quid pro quo basis? According to this logic, all those ordinary, mediocre, average husbands out there should be having sex, on average, 2 - 3 times per week (I've seen those numbers as the national average for married couples). I doubt there would be so many "sexless marriage" posts if average husband/wifes were having average sex.

 

As you suggested, the husbands who REALLY try hard (like me ) can "rise to the top" and I would say we few "elites" should be having exceptional sex!

[Gunny376]

As you suggested, the husbands who REALLY try hard (like me ) can "rise to the top" and I would say we few "elites" should be having exceptional sex! as posted by TommyR

In the beginning like most human endevors, intially a great deal ofd effort is required ~ yielding very little result, but with time, failure, repeated attempts, yet more failures the equation flips from E=r, to e=R, in which with hard gained experinced ~ little effort yields very tremendous results.

 

Regardless of your stance on the subject ~ its been my experience that most men meet their wifes/SO, so call wine and dine them ~ sweep them off their feet, get them to fall in love in with them, the wives/SO's marry them thinking that this is it ~ this is the one ~ this is my Prince Charming ~ he's got what it takes! I connect with him on every level, mentally, emotionally, phsyically, sexually ~ where talking the whole nine yards.

 

The the day to day reality sets in ~ and the man slowly day by day quits dating his mate, he quits doing that which is what it took to get her and to win her heart in the first place. Other thing become a priorty, work, the bills, the boss, the in-laws, the family, sports, the X-box, whatever, fill in the blank.

 

No one likes getting ripped off and sold a bill of goods, no one likes getting stuck with a lemon. No one likes false advertising. Its usually the man that lays down on the job to begin with, and then he's wondering WTF is going on.

 

He's doing nothing in regards to making love to his wife outside the bedroom, (non-sexual with any expectation of such) and wonders why nothing is happening in the bedroom.

 

Too many men don't and have never undetaken learing how to make love to a woman either in or out of the bedroom.

 

A significant part of the problem with women's attitude toward sex in marriage is men's attitude toward sex in marriage. Just because you married some gal doesn't mean you bought her! It doesn't mean she's automatically obligated to have sex with you. Especailly if your not meeting her mental, emotional, physcial and sexual needs.

 

For some reason, a lot of men think that once they get married that they don't have to keep up what they were doing before they got married. Duh! The way you were acting and behaving before you got married, and the sex you were delivering before you got married was part of the reason they married you to begin with. Just because you've gone and got a marraige liscesne, doesn't mean that washing your azz, shaving, ~ who wants to have sex with a dirty jock strap and 20 grit sandpaper?

 

To see the rest of my post ~ you'll have to trip on down to the Sex Forum. As its not appropriate for this one!

[tommyr]

A significant part of the problem with women's attitude toward sex in marriage is men's attitude toward sex in marriage. Just because you married some gal doesn't mean you bought her! It doesn't mean she's automatically obligated to have sex with you. Especailly if your not meeting her mental, emotional, physcial and sexual needs.

 

For some reason, a lot of men think that once they get married that they don't have to keep up what they were doing before they got married. Duh! The way you were acting and behaving before you got married, and the sex you were delivering before you got married was part of the reason they married you to begin with. Just because you've gone and got a marraige liscesne, doesn't mean that washing your azz, shaving, ~ who wants to have sex with a dirty jock strap and 20 grit sandpaper?

 

I like these dialogs.. enlightening, informative, motivational, challenging.

 

Gunny, where did you get the notion that we No Sex Men around here are unshaven, dirty-shorts-wearing neanderthals expecting blowjobs each night as we watch SportsCenter? We are average men with average wives who are getting near zero sex. If there were a middle-sized E your equation would look like this:

averageE = 0 .

 

After 2 kids and 11 years marriage, both me and my wife had settled into our average life as marital C Students, and in my wife's mind this equated to sexless marriage (which was just fine w her).

 

Rather than sit around complaining at my sorry state of sexual injustice, I decided to DO SOMETHING about it (roughly in chronological order)

1. Spent 2 years, $100, and a few rolls of TP using internet porn

2. Talked/complained to her repeatedly about me not gettin' any

3. Self-diagnosed the problem as burned out wife syndrome so convinced her to quit her 1 Day/week job and to utilize afterschool childcare giving her 2 days off each week

4. Tripled my own workout/training schedule (I was having troubles with her weight gain and thought once I win the Boston Marathon it would silently motivate her)

5. Talked some more with her, suggested counseling

6. Read ALOT on female sexuality here and elsewhere

7. Stepped up MY efforts in (like Gunny says) "making love to wife outside the bedroom"

8. Talked again, this time making it clear that sex was a DEALBREAKER to me in the marriage. I would strive to meet any of her needs (asking her to speak up and tell me if I miss any) but she must be receptive to share 1 or 2 mutual orgasms per week

 

Re-ordering these by successful RESULTS: 8, 7, 6, 3, 4 (the rest not helpful). So far, we are making really good progress. So once I started bringing my A-Game back to the marriage, she has been right there with me.

 

So while for me ultimately, #8 (the Dealbreaker card) is what did the trick, if I had just declared to her a year ago "Sex Or Divorce" I would now be single. So I agree w Gunny that sustained work (starting with ME) is needed, but in the end, it was the combination that is working right now

a) demonstrating my efforts to meet her needs

b) clearly communicating my own needs

c) making clear our marriage was on the line

[Guest]

The only answer I've come up with is emotional. Sex for me is very emotionally complicated/intense. I find that when I don't want sex for more then a month or so its usually because I just don't have the emotional energy to "let go" in the way I know sex requires. I have a hard time being out of control of my emotions (self-trust issues perhaps?)

 

I am sorry, I didn't understand your explanation. Can you please elaborate?

 

Sorry I'm bad with words (one of the reasons I have never posted). Let me try to explain as best I can.

 

If you think of things you do in everyday life, no tasks require you to let your body and emotions take over in such an intense way as when you have sex. Sex is the only real "Ritual" (if you will) that athiests practice. I guess the word I was looking for was more "Spiritual" then "Emotional". Spiritual doesn't only apply to religion - its more about feeling something "beyond" the physical and emotional. Oh god I sound cracked out now.... Okay well let me try a different way to say it.

 

Sex makes me feel vulnerable and out of control of myself - it requires a great deal of emotional energy for me to let myself get to that point. Once I am there, returning to myself afterwards I will feel shameful and extremely vulnerable/scared. This is what it takes for me to thoroughly enjoy sex. Not the climax or the actions (he is perfect in bed anyway) but to allow him "in" so to speak. Ugh its so hard to explain.

 

Basicly when we get to a point where he will be horny and I am not feeling it, I know he always has ways of getting me there physically so the only thing that shys me away would be the amount of energy and trust that I have in myself to let my emotions take over and leave me powerless to control myself.

 

Sometimes, I have to ask him if we can tone it down emotionally and just have unconnected sex (which is totally wild, feels more or less fake to me (almost "hollywood"), though it still arouses my body physically) that way I won't have to feel out of control emotionally, and it won't require as much courage for me to engage in it.

 

I was not looking for advice by posting here, my husband and I have 100% communication and I am very responsive and I allow him to be honest (no, I don't make him feel guilty for his views like some women do). Likewise, when I have a view to present I don't feel shy in bringing it up to him first and foremost. We don't value the views of "the majority" over our own and unless what you think is how he feels there really is no reason for me to fill my head with doubts of my value as a wife because of others opinions that have no bearing on our relationship.

 

I just wanted to explain why (when I am going through a hormone "dry spell") I am uninterested in sex, or uninterested in forcing myself to preform. I hopes that perhaps it would help someone out there.

 

Oh, and I am truely a guest - for those of you that have mentioned as much. I have been reading these forums for a long time now but very intimidated to post before now.

[RecordProducer]

With your attitudes on marriage, you will not be single forever. Some lucky lady will scoop you up when you least expect it.

Hey, we don't know if he's like that in real life! But.... the nice attitude certainly determines his mindset about how important his partner's happiness is to HIM. Once men realize that when they make US happy, they will be happy, too, they will go far.

 

"I am not going to let her disrespect me! :mad:" is the first step to being disrespected by your spouse. It starts with small things and once the attitude leaks out, the relationship becomes a power struggle.

 

"I will respect her and try to make her happy :)" is the step number 1, 2, 3... and 34 ... and 134 to being loved and respected.

 

There is NOTHING in this life that you can build by being destructive. Nothing good...

[Gunny376]

:lmao: :lmao:

 

I noticed the Mod-Squad took out one of my posts!

 

(Thanks! )

 

I do pretty good work when I'm not drinking! It was one of those nights!

[Storyrider]

Sex makes me feel vulnerable and out of control of myself - it requires a great deal of emotional energy for me to let myself get to that point. Once I am there, returning to myself afterwards I will feel shameful and extremely vulnerable/scared. This is what it takes for me to thoroughly enjoy sex. Not the climax or the actions (he is perfect in bed anyway) but to allow him "in" so to speak. Ugh its so hard to explain.

 

Basicly when we get to a point where he will be horny and I am not feeling it, I know he always has ways of getting me there physically so the only thing that shys me away would be the amount of energy and trust that I have in myself to let my emotions take over and leave me powerless to control myself.

 

Sometimes, I have to ask him if we can tone it down emotionally and just have unconnected sex (which is totally wild, feels more or less fake to me (almost "hollywood"), though it still arouses my body physically) that way I won't have to feel out of control emotionally, and it won't require as much courage for me to engage in it.

 

I know exactly what you're talking about, guest. Thanks for taking the time to try and explain this.

 

It takes a lot of energy for me to have what I would call "high level sex" that is, sex with the greatest degree of emotional intimacy. Not only is it sometimes hard for me to handle my own emotions, it is hard to take the other person's intense emotions as well.

 

It is kind of like sitting down to a five course meal when you don't have the time or you're preoccupied. Even if it is the most delicious food in the world, if you aren't into the process, you won't enjoy it. That is why there needs to be sex that is more like a quick practical meal, sex that is like a snack, and sex that is just a wolfing down of something decedent without feeling like you have to savor every bite.

 

I think with the right lover you can find all that. Sometimes if someone wants the five course meal sex every time, it can make you feel pressured and want to avoid it.

[Gunny376]

Hey, we don't know if he's like that in real life! But.... the nice attitude certainly determines his mindset about how important his partner's happiness is to HIM. Once men realize that when they make US happy, they will be happy, too, they will go far.

 

"I am not going to let her disrespect me! :mad:" is the first step to being disrespected by your spouse. It starts with small things and once the attitude leaks out, the relationship becomes a power struggle.

 

"I will respect her and try to make her happy :)" is the step number 1, 2, 3... and 34 ... and 134 to being loved and respected.

 

There is NOTHING in this life that you can build by being destructive. Nothing good...

 

Me? I'm the guy that got blind-sided by a Mack Truck, thrown under a bus, and ran over by the "City of New Orleans" as she made her way to Memphis~!

 

But, I'm no fool, I got my azz back in school!

 

I got to reading and learning!

 

Damned if I'm going to be the old guy down at the nursing home talking and getting my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th XW confused!

[Guest]

I know exactly what you're talking about, guest. Thanks for taking the time to try and explain this.

 

I'm glad someone understood what I was trying to say I'm also glad someone can relate. Thanks for posting

[soilborn]

My wish is that I could somehow get into my wife's mind and have her really tell me what her mental/emotional/physical block is when it comes to sex.

 

Unfortunatley, I beleive this is one secret mother nature will never reveal.

[Sevenmack]

Gunny is definitely correct that men need to do more than just take out the trash and help out with the kids. Real love requires putting in lots, sometimes putting in more than the woman you love is giving to you in return at that moment.

 

But it also goes vice versa: She can't simply take her man's giving and patience for granted. She must also be willing to give lots, even if her man isn't giving as much back in return at the moment. And what I've seen in some tales of woe here on Loveshack that while the men give and give, the women figure that they don't have to do so. They're right, absolutely right and don't have to bend.

 

That sort of obstinance will never work. Instead it will just drive your man to either neglect you emotionally or committ infidelity. Essentially he begins to leave the relationship in one form or another. And when people leave a relationship in their mind, the body isn't too far from going too.

 

What is needed is communication from both sides, explaining what they need for the relationship to work and listening to the needs of the other. It's hard to do, but really simple.

 

Sure men have to appeal to a woman's mind and emotional wellbeing. But she needs to appeal to his emotional and sexual wellbeing too. As Tan said, it goes both ways.