needing help to understand

[wheresthemanual]

Hi I'm hoping to get some advise on how to move forward

I had been in a relationship for seven years with a man that I have now come to acknowledge has traits of "Anti-social Personality Disorder"(many) but this person has screwed with my head for so long that although I am having counseling I just cant seem to get my head around it, let my anger, resentment, hurt & negative self-image go, and just move on.

 

Sometimes I feel so lonely, Nobody could possibly understand the pain and confusion these people leave in their wake. Unless they have experienced it personally. I'm hoping that by hearing from others that have been through similar emotional and psychological abuse,survived and succeeded with re-finding themselves and happiness minus the confusion, may help me to feel not so alone, worthless and stupid at not understanding what was really happening in my life for the last 7 years.

 

I don't know what is good, bad, right, wrong or acceptable behavior in a relationship anymore. I feel like I'm the crazy one yet I used to understand who I was and where I was going in life.

 

Please I am willing to learn and listen to anybody that may be able to help

[Tony T]

The first thing you need to do is get rid of the guy you're seeing. You should never, ever allow another human being to disrupt your life in the ways he has done. Don't feel sorry for him...look out for yourself.

 

The healing process will take some time and dedication to following your counsellor's instructions. But you can't even begin the process until you're away from the influence of this person.

 

Only having love and patience with yourself and working closely with your therapist will you be able work through all this...but you seem to have a lot of insight and you can do it.

 

Pay attention and don't let others drag you down like this ever again. Life is way too short.

[mighty bop]

I have a friend who has that same disorder. And I can picture his girlfriend saying the same things you are. Then again I can't because she is too dependent on him. It's really sad. He won't go out in public. They always go out to eat by going through the drive thrus. She has a job but he doesn't. They live at his parents house. They are both about 25. It's really sad. I have tried helping him over the years but it's pretty hopeless. Leave that guy and stop wasting years of your precious life........otherwise you may end up living with him and his parents, unless you are already at that point.

[Ally Boo]

I was married to a guy with this disorder. It can seriously mess with your life and your own self esteem...as crazy as that sounds. The best thing you can do is get rid of him. Don't make his burdens your's. It's not your fault if he has problems and won't deal with them. Trust me, it won't get better...it will get worse. And it's SO unfair to live your life that way.

[kat316]

I can relate completely.

Thinking about my past relationship I realized that my ex managed during the time we were together to "creep" in under my skin and by small and large things said and done, slowly but surely destroyed my self esteem, dignity and self respect.

However I did let it happen myself! I could have said NO, so I have to take that blame on myself. I let him do it so to speak!

I can not change him but I can change myself. The scary thing is that it can happen without you really noticing it at first and then it just gets worse and worse.

I became truly unstable and unsure about my decisions (and still are), he finally dumped me considering I was too weak, unstable and not the right woman for him. At the time I did not realize he had a big part of making me into that person he disliked so much. I began to think I was crazy.

Abandoned and stuck, not capable of moving on with my own life without feeling crushed, sad or bitter. Lacking closure and understanding of myself and what happened.

I wish I could have reached some kind of understanding with him so that he could see his own responsibility, but you can not change another and if he finds it easier to blame me for the hole thing, he will regardless from what I am trying to do. Trying can make it worse and my final straw was being considered a psycobitch. I am pretty stubborn ands are still. I am determined to get to the bottom of this with or without him so that this never will happen to me again. He has to go threw he own problems and learn himself how to love and be loved and we might not be the ones that will come threw this together.

Try to think about the person you were before you met your ex and try to get back to her. She is not far away but hidden in you under all the hurt, dig her up and bring her out. Regaining self respect and dignity can be done in small steps. Learn how to trust your intuition and your inner voice again. Take a step back and you will figure it out. Time does heal and help.

The answers I got on my own posting on this site have been helpful to me.

It is good to know that you are not alone in any shape or form.

Hugs,

[Dragonflys]

Hi There

 

There is no manual that will enlighten you on how you can feel better immediately. I can understand what you went through, abusive relationships whether emotional or physically can be like a drug, usually such people are able to make the highs high as well as they make the lows low. I guess thats why roller coasters are fun too right?.

I'll let in on one thing, you will not know the right way to feel right now, you probably still crave the good times. The 'normal' healthy lifestyle is not full of searing highs..rather it becomes a constant 'fairly high' full of challenges and responsibilities. Toi get back in touch with such a life you need to give yourself time..time forgets these old experiences and you start to enjoy the now again. Keep a journal for a while and put all your thoughts into the present so they get into the right perspective. Make it a duty to your own life to get out and do things even if they don't stimulate you as much now as they should. Yoru new memories will drown out the old ones (I gurantee it) and you will get a life back. You will also begin to hear that little voice of instinct again, even when it comes to relationships.

 

Good luck...and just keep working through it!!

 

Oliver

[AS]

What is the anti-social personality disorder?

[Ally Boo]

It's when someone is afraid to be anything but a hermit. Won't leave the house...won't be a part of society.

[Paul]

Hi Ally Boo,

 

Quote

Originally posted by Ally Boo

It's when someone is afraid to be anything but a hermit. Won't leave the house...won't be a part of society.

 

Actually, no. I think you're confusing Antisocial Personality Disorder with some of the characteristics of Agoraphobia.

 

Persons diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder exhibit a pattern of disregard for the rights of others and often act in violation of those rights. They frequently lie and are very manipulative, lack empathy, and fail to conform with social norms and laws that frequently get them arrested.

 

These people are often assault people physically (including spouse or child beating) and have a reckless disregard for their own personal safety and the safety of others. They are consistently irresponsible and show a lack of remorse from hurting others.

 

To be diagnosed with this disorder, the person must exhibit characteristics since they were 15-years old and demonstrate a Conduct Disorder with an onset prior to the age of 15, a disorder which involves many of the same characteristics as Antisocial Personality Disorder, but to a lesser degree.

 

You must be 18 years or older to be diagnosed with ASPD.

 

Quite a step away from being a "hermit."

 

Best wishes,

Paul

[HokeyReligions]

Oh Man, Paul! I checked out the site you had and it's scary as hell!

 

One of the "symptoms"

impulsivity or failure to plan ahead

 

is interesting. I never thought of that as being a "symptom" of anything. I am notorious at impulsivity and failure to plan ahead at least when it comes to finances!

 

I don't remember reading about anything like this in my college psych classes (that was back in the 70's & hush about my age) but maybe I just don't remember it or I didn't get that far.

 

It almost sounds like what "they" did was put a label on a specific grouping or pattern of personality traits for legal reasons and not for medical reasons--or the medical reasons were dictated by leagal findings. It makes me wonder about criminals and using this as a tool to manipulate their punishment. "Honest judge, it wasn't ME that did that - it was the APD" or as Flip Wilson might have said: The Devil Made Me Do It!

 

There didn't used to be drugs to help treat bi-polar disorder or other various types of depression, but those are in development all the time. I wonder what it will take, and how long, before APD will have drug therapies.

 

Thanks for the website - I encourage everyone to read it.

[Ally Boo]

I didnt feel like looking up the technical definition...I think my ex was a mixture of the 2.

[wheresthemanual]

Thank you Paul,

I guess I should have offered a better explanation but I was so broken at the time of my posting and I guess in a lot of ways I am still carrying quite a few scars and to be honest there is still a few weeping wounds. This man was extremely charming and witty he managed to avoid being arrested and never physically abused me (the white collar-sociopath explained in a book I read "The Conscious Mind by Dr Robert Hare) it was so subtle the way he managed to twist and turn the truth constantly changing the rules I was always damned if I did and damned if I didn't and it was always my fault or I made him treat me badly, it was always about winning to him never about love and as time went on it became quite sinister laughing and mocking my pain and confusion. He would purposely create hurtful and embarrassing situations just to see me squirm yes I was ladled the suspicious crazy-bitch, paranoid, Schizophrenic ect. Because I loved him or thought I did I realize I had just become dependant. A vicious circle the more insecure and worthless I felt the more dependant I became the more I would try to please him the more worthless and insecure I felt when my best wasn’t good enough again. You will be please to know I am doing really well in my therapy beginning to understand that it was not my fault there wasn't anything I could have done differently that would have made it any better other than saying goodbye and leaving the day I met him and my physiologist assures me I am not crazy just a very loving trusting person who’s trust has been bitterly abused and violated I am starting to forgive myself for not recognising what was going on sooner and doing something about it like walking away although my counsellor tells me that he probably would not have let me go so easily I was a possession and it wasn’t going to be over until he decided differently which is true, I did try to leave a couple of times and he would worm his way back in. Yes I am not with him now and I was not with him when I posted my initial Plea for understanding. However it was not I who initiated the break up he manipulated that because he had found a better more lucrative offer. He had started developing a relationship with a woman 16 years his senior who is extremely well off and who is vulnerable because her husband has recently left her for a younger woman. He now drives her Merc has flown to south Africa on a photography safari and spends every weekend partying at her beach front house on the coast with her very well to do circle, I was only in the way of him having a bigger brighter future somewhere else. He had emptied my bank and my children’s inheritance from their father. These people are evil and I never even knew such monsters were really out there like most people I saw frauds on the news but I had no idea what I was supposed to be looking out for as I said he was very charming. I am grateful now he was distracted that I was feed to heal and rebuild my life. I wish I could warn his new lady what she has let herself in for but through old mutual friends I know he has her convinced that his ex was a crazy woman and he was the victim same line he fed me. I apologize to Nicky I believed him. I think this is good forum that it gives people a chance to see real lives that are affected by social monsters and helps give physiological behaviour pattern descriptions to help others recognise who they are developing relationships with.

P.S watch out for any man who has father abandonment issues has nothing to do with his siblings and has a sick or strange on going love hate relationship with his mother there is probably a very good reason his family wiped him ...and I bet he’s not the VICTIM...

[pinkroses]

that my ex-husband is antisocial. He has trouble getting along with people, he has no compassion and he doesn't relate to people on a normal level. For example, in a group of people he will be the only one who doesn't get a joke or he will make some inappropriate or unrelated comment, that will leave people wondering if he has a screw loose. Often times he will not answer people when they speak to him, or he'll look right through you. He's analytical and can't do anything without a calendar and instructions in front of him. Many times he would not really know what month it was, let alone the day. After our divorce he carried the papers around with him in a briefcase for several months. He had them with him everywhere he went. He almost seemed to get a secret pleasure out of reading them or something. He's a junkie for contracts and rules.

 

He is also very controlling and mentally abusive, and a sense of entitlement, that he is an awesome force and life owes him. But what others see is a cold, conniving, unpleasant cruel and annoying person.

[wheresthemanual]

Usually these people are too charming they seem too perfect or unflawed they are con men and are experts at manipulating people..... nobody is as perfect as the Anti-social personality is able to portray. they are also usually extremely intelligent, that is why you start to believe you must be crazy because nobody else even gets a glimpse of their sadistic side only the target of their obsession. your ex maybe but there is a lot more to diagnosis of this disorder. he may well have been, but it sounds more like narcissism if everybody noticed he was a cold callous arsehole.. you like me sound like your better off without him there are some really sic people out there and I personally find it really scary thanks for your message and all the best.