Advise from a Dumper....

[Guest]

Yes, I am a dumper. I check out these boards every now and then because I find them interesting. I finally decided to add my 2 cents in case it helps shine some light on any of your situations. Now I understand many of you will not agree, want to argue, think I'm dead wrong but I wanted to at least give some of you the perspective of a dumper who now wants the dumpee back.

 

I "dumped" my lovely boyfriend in Dec. He begged and pleaded a bit, I did not respond as many of your dumpers do not do to you. The REASON I did not respond was, to be very honest, an ego boost to see how far he would go for me and I guess part of me wanted to see how far he would bend (I know it's sick but I wasn't doing it to be mean but to test how much he really did love me), AND I did very much have feelings for him, I just needed away. I also did not respond because I was confused, unsure of how I felt about the relationship, and just needed some space, sometimes we don't even know why! I didn't dispise him or turn my feelings off, even tho it probably looked that way to him as it does to many of you in your situations. If he would have cut me off, did the whole NC thing, I may have freaked out for a week or so, then started to feel he was playing a game, as we are ALL aware of this NC idea, and it probably would have p*ssed me off and I would have started hating him, felt he was trying to manipulate me and not wanting him back. He did something that really turned everything around. He got very busy, was always polite and courteous to me but never asked for anything in return emotionally and started to seem ok with us being separated. If he would have cut me off I think he would have looked psycho and like he was so into me he couldn't even deal with it, which would have been a turn off. His seeming to be ok with everything gave me the feeling of breathing room and like there was no pressure and I was free to begin to enjoy the idea of his company again. Everytime I wrote him, (which was not often and usually benign) he never waited to write, he always wrote right away, politley, to the point and never asking or needing anything ESPECIALLY anything emotional which was a huge weight off my shoulders and I started to feel less pressure and more like I wasn't as unhappy as I thought.

 

AS THE DUMPER, I began to see the good things about him and I was suprised that he was much more confident than I thought. That was a turn on and I began to feel I was wrong in dumping him. THis took about 3 months. Now here is the important part. I decided a few weeks ago he was the one for me, and I want him more than anything but I AM NOT GOING TO CHASE HIM. So many of you are waiting for your ex to come back, say some scripted lines that you've written in your head for them, and PROVE their love. First of all, we have no idea what your scripted lines are that you want us to say. Second of all, we have pride too and wanting us to beg, plead et. is a very risky thing to ask of us, especially since 99% of relationships are not the fault of only one person, even though you feel it was our fault because you were dumped. No matter how much I love someone, there are certain things I would rather die before doing or saying. I suggest if you still love your dumper, you realize that sometimes it is hard for us to come back as well and your angry "you have to earn me back" attitude may make the situation too difficult for us to be able to come back. If you want us back and can help us save face, we will appreciate it. Also, sometimes many of you are missing your dumper trying to come back. I've read so many posts where some guy will say my ex wrote such and such, does she want me back? And to me it's soooo obvious that she is trying to open the door and still keep her dignity and everyone on this board responds to the poor guy by saying "heck no! Keep NC! Don't talk to her, don't see her, rip up her pictures, delete her from your computer, phone, IM et..." Geez! who wants someone who acts like that??!! That's really harsh!! In fact, they should have happily married people with no issues come on this board and give advise and I bet it would be much different than a bunch of people going through similar feelings or breakup anger giving each other advise, don't mean to offend btw.

 

Now I'm not advocating act like a fool and bend over backwards to get someone. Do not chase at all, if you can, just BE. Like the Beatles haha, just Let It Be. All I'm saying is that in my opinion, being kind, not chasing and cornering, but having boundaries, focusing on your own life, relaxing and just being cool about things and really letting go and not expecting/demanding so much from the other person is really where its at. What if you were to send out love never expecting anything from the other person in return? So much of what we want and demand, it seems, is emotional stuff from the other person because WE are needy, clingy, insecure et. but thats about US, not the other person. WHat if everyone just relaxed, had the experience of their feelings, but let go of any reciprocity from the other person? I know it's hard but so is NC right? Also, when we don't need and demand things from other people, it's so much easier to give those things. WHen my ex doesn't demend my attention and my love, than I am free to give it. I guess what I'm ultimatly saying is that it's all about fixing yourself, getting yourself independant, not about us dumpers. Many times we were mearly escaping needs from you we could not meet and are running away from them, sometimes in ways of cheating, sometimes in ways of needing space. Be kind, give us that space. You love us right? If you show your love by giving us our space and freedom, we then have the freedom to return it to you. Everytime you want to react in a negative way to your dumper, ie. ignoring them, pointing out faults, trying to trap or guilt them into certain feelings et. go do something nice for yourself, do something fun that gets your endorphins going and don't put the negative actions out there. If we are not with you, you have no right to demand things of us anyway but if you are kind, and busy, and have your own life and are not asking for so much, your a nice place to want to return . And when you turn the tables on us, we will hopefully have kindness and dignity ourselves.

[littlebopeep]

QUOTE.

 

I "dumped" my lovely boyfriend in Dec. He begged and pleaded a bit, I did not respond as many of your dumpers do not do to you. The REASON I did not respond was, to be very honest, an ego boost to see how far he would go for me and I guess part of me wanted to see how far he would bend (I know it's sick but I wasn't doing it to be mean but to test how much he really did love me),

 

Have you ever been dumped before by some1 you idolise,love.Its 1 of the most painful experiences ever,especially when it happens unexpectedly.I like many others did the begging/pleading when my ex ended our 4.5 year r/ship but he said he had made his decision at this time.

 

If i had thought for 1 minute that keeping in contact and the begging and pleading would have made a difference then i would have done it.I loved my ex too much not to try anything but i also knew that if i had continued begging and pleading it would have made me look desparate and there is only so much dignity you can lose before you lose all self respect.

 

Doing no contact isnt a game to get the other person back,well not all the time.In my case i didnt contact him to give myself time to heal.As for my ex if he ever decided he had made a mistake and wanted me back,HE WOULD HAVE TO WORK HARD,.After all,hes the 1 that walked away and broke my heart.The good thing about no contact though is it gives you time to see that if some1 truly loves you they dont walk away.

 

I was good to my ex and he knows it.Playing games doesnt work i agree with you.You said you dumped your lovely boyfriend because you wanted to know how much he loved you.How can he ever trust you again not to do the same thing?Also what happens if he meets some1 else and moves on.You say you dont believe in playing games then what were you doing with your ex?I only hope it doesnt backfire on you.Good luck.

[jusified]

It seems a bit weird to me that you want him back now but don't want to do anything about it.

 

It is also some what immature to think that you are not going to apologies or actively try and get him back when you were the one to hurt him in the first place.

 

Not contacting an ex isn't to get them back (a game), its to ove on with your own life.

 

I respect your opinion and if its what you prefer thats fine, but some times peple do things that rally hurt others and need to own up to them. Especially when you hurt someone that really cared and loved you.

[climbergirl]

Yes, I am a dumper. I check out these boards every now and then because I find them interesting. I finally decided to add my 2 cents in case it helps shine some light on any of your situations. Now I understand many of you will not agree, want to argue, think I'm dead wrong but I wanted to at least give some of you the perspective of a dumper who now wants the dumpee back.

 

I "dumped" my lovely boyfriend in Dec. He begged and pleaded a bit, I did not respond as many of your dumpers do not do to you. The REASON I did not respond was, to be very honest, an ego boost to see how far he would go for me and I guess part of me wanted to see how far he would bend (I know it's sick but I wasn't doing it to be mean but to test how much he really did love me), AND I did very much have feelings for him, I just needed away. I also did not respond because I was confused, unsure of how I felt about the relationship, and just needed some space, sometimes we don't even know why! I didn't dispise him or turn my feelings off, even tho it probably looked that way to him as it does to many of you in your situations. If he would have cut me off, did the whole NC thing, I may have freaked out for a week or so, then started to feel he was playing a game, as we are ALL aware of this NC idea, and it probably would have p*ssed me off and I would have started hating him, felt he was trying to manipulate me and not wanting him back. He did something that really turned everything around. He got very busy, was always polite and courteous to me but never asked for anything in return emotionally and started to seem ok with us being separated. If he would have cut me off I think he would have looked psycho and like he was so into me he couldn't even deal with it, which would have been a turn off. His seeming to be ok with everything gave me the feeling of breathing room and like there was no pressure and I was free to begin to enjoy the idea of his company again. Everytime I wrote him, (which was not often and usually benign) he never waited to write, he always wrote right away, politley, to the point and never asking or needing anything ESPECIALLY anything emotional which was a huge weight off my shoulders and I started to feel less pressure and more like I wasn't as unhappy as I thought.

 

AS THE DUMPER, I began to see the good things about him and I was suprised that he was much more confident than I thought. That was a turn on and I began to feel I was wrong in dumping him. THis took about 3 months. Now here is the important part. I decided a few weeks ago he was the one for me, and I want him more than anything but I AM NOT GOING TO CHASE HIM. So many of you are waiting for your ex to come back, say some scripted lines that you've written in your head for them, and PROVE their love. First of all, we have no idea what your scripted lines are that you want us to say. Second of all, we have pride too and wanting us to beg, plead et. is a very risky thing to ask of us, especially since 99% of relationships are not the fault of only one person, even though you feel it was our fault because you were dumped. No matter how much I love someone, there are certain things I would rather die before doing or saying. I suggest if you still love your dumper, you realize that sometimes it is hard for us to come back as well and your angry "you have to earn me back" attitude may make the situation too difficult for us to be able to come back. If you want us back and can help us save face, we will appreciate it. Also, sometimes many of you are missing your dumper trying to come back. I've read so many posts where some guy will say my ex wrote such and such, does she want me back? And to me it's soooo obvious that she is trying to open the door and still keep her dignity and everyone on this board responds to the poor guy by saying "heck no! Keep NC! Don't talk to her, don't see her, rip up her pictures, delete her from your computer, phone, IM et..." Geez! who wants someone who acts like that??!! That's really harsh!! In fact, they should have happily married people with no issues come on this board and give advise and I bet it would be much different than a bunch of people going through similar feelings or breakup anger giving each other advise, don't mean to offend btw.

 

Now I'm not advocating act like a fool and bend over backwards to get someone. Do not chase at all, if you can, just BE. Like the Beatles haha, just Let It Be. All I'm saying is that in my opinion, being kind, not chasing and cornering, but having boundaries, focusing on your own life, relaxing and just being cool about things and really letting go and not expecting/demanding so much from the other person is really where its at. What if you were to send out love never expecting anything from the other person in return? So much of what we want and demand, it seems, is emotional stuff from the other person because WE are needy, clingy, insecure et. but thats about US, not the other person. WHat if everyone just relaxed, had the experience of their feelings, but let go of any reciprocity from the other person? I know it's hard but so is NC right? Also, when we don't need and demand things from other people, it's so much easier to give those things. WHen my ex doesn't demend my attention and my love, than I am free to give it. I guess what I'm ultimatly saying is that it's all about fixing yourself, getting yourself independant, not about us dumpers. Many times we were mearly escaping needs from you we could not meet and are running away from them, sometimes in ways of cheating, sometimes in ways of needing space. Be kind, give us that space. You love us right? If you show your love by giving us our space and freedom, we then have the freedom to return it to you. Everytime you want to react in a negative way to your dumper, ie. ignoring them, pointing out faults, trying to trap or guilt them into certain feelings et. go do something nice for yourself, do something fun that gets your endorphins going and don't put the negative actions out there. If we are not with you, you have no right to demand things of us anyway but if you are kind, and busy, and have your own life and are not asking for so much, your a nice place to want to return . And when you turn the tables on us, we will hopefully have kindness and dignity ourselves.

 

 

I appreciate the fact that you are trying to 'help' the dumpees win the love of their dumpers.

 

But I find this sad and immature.

 

You did this to find out how much he loved you? But in turn you put him in an insecure mode of how much you loved him. So, you get back together and you feel secure on what a great guy he is and the depths of his feelings. Wonderful. But then he wonders how much you loved him to have broken up in the first place.

 

You can't see the cruel cycle?

[jusified]

Agree with Climbergirl,

 

If a guy or girl do this to test someone, in the process they really hurt the other person. It shows they maturity level and that they do not know how to love or are about someone.

[Rooster_DAR]

I like your post, it has some very good points along with some bad advice.

 

First of all, you don't dump someone just to see if they really love you, that is just plain immature.

 

Second, I agree with the way he handled himself but I can assure you he was torn up when you weren't around. He just knew that he had to keep his cool to stand the best chance at reconciliation.

 

Third, most people are not going to react the way he did when they get dumped by someone they love, this is a rare case and it took a lot of **lls for him to do what he needed to.

 

Fourth, I agree with much of what you said in theory, but in practice it's much harder for the dumpee to achieve. If dumpees could maintain this kind of postion during this transition, it certainly would induce a better chance for reconciliation.

 

Overall, I think it's unrealistic for most people to take a breakup of someone they love lightly, and we all falter when pain is inflicted. This to me seems just a little bit selfish on your end for even putting this man through this, after all you said you broke up with him just to test his love for you.

 

Cheers!

[Dubb]

NC is about getting on with your life. If someone breaks up with you they should be the one to put a little work in to make things right. That is assuming you broke up over normal stuff. No offense but if you get a ego boost knowing you're hurting someone you might need to seek some help.

[Trialbyfire]

While I've always been the dumper, your post makes no sense at all. You dump someone for some damn good compatibility issues. If you dump them for your ego, you've got a lot of growing up to do. There's more that I'd like to say regarding the balance of your post but it's best that I refrain from saying it.

[Shadowdog36]

I think I can see what she's trying to say. First off, you need to get past the original reason for dumping her guy. Yes, it was a stupid reason, and very immature, but if you can ignore that, she's actually making some really good points.

 

It seems like all she's saying is that if you tone down the intensity level (for someone who's trying to win someone back) whether it be in your level of contact, or your level of no contact...this is a good thing.

 

Sure, begging and pleading is horrible, but just as bad is flat-out ignoring someone. You're basically telling them that you're not over them, and that the other person should probably stay away a little longer.

 

Now obviously this doesn't apply to someone that sincerely trying to get out of an abusive relationship, or to every circumstance. This person is addressing her specific situation...the feeling of being trapped, having someone too clingy, or whatever, and her need to remove herself from that for whatever reason. Someone needy in a relationship is extremely selfish when it comes to their emotions and feelings and needs being met. Can we really be that angry with someone that escapes from that type of situation wanting to assert a bit of her own control to the relationship in whatever way she can...by ignoring them???

 

The post makes a valid point about what 'no contact' should be from this perspective. It should read "No emotional contact".

[norajane]

I think I can see what she's trying to say. First off, you need to get past the original reason for dumping her guy. Yes, it was a stupid reason, and very immature, but if you can ignore that, she's actually making some really good points.

 

You can't ignore her reasons for dumping the guy - if it weren't for those ego-boosting reasons and no other REAL issues in the relationship, she wouldn't want to get back together with him regardless of how he had handled the break up.

 

For example, if she dumped him because he was cheating, or because she was cheating, the rest of her post is moot. If she had dumped him because he wasn't paying enough attention to her, never took her out anywhere, had a bad temper and yelled at her, was inconsiderate of her feelings, couldn't make a commitment, she never loved him in the first place, she wanted to date other people, she didn't share the same interests, she didn't want the same things out of life, she didn't want commitment...do you see? He could have begged, gone NC, or done the exact same thing he did and it really wouldn't have made any difference because the relationship was DEAD.

 

But, yeah, when you break up with someone as a game, then sure, the other player's moves might make a difference.

[Shadowdog36]

I think she mentioned why she left. She was confused, needed space. She didn't respond to boost her ego, she didn't break up for that reason. To me, it sounds like the guy was too needy, and she felt smothered. Being overwhelmed with 'love' can have the opposite effect of what you're trying to accomplish, and it can make the person it's directed at confused. Sure, you feel loved, but, my God, does it have to be so intense all the time??? What happened to just having a little fun.

 

The point I think she's making on here is that so many guys on here are trying so hard to 'fix' things, either before the break or after, and what should be done is to just move on, be happy, don't 'freeze them out' by going totally no contact, cause that has the opposite effect of what the person is trying to do. Same thing as smothering them with love.

 

Any action, taken to the extreme, is the wrong way to act.

 

This is the point of the OP and, in my opinion, it does not matter what her frame of mind was at the time that led her to this conclusion. The relevance of the point is no less because of it.

[climbergirl]

From the OP-note that the word 'reason' is in caps. Also in this paragraph are the words, ego boost, sick and test.

 

Granted, she may have stated reasons for the break up, but clearly wasn't too sure if she actually meant it.

 

Instead of being an adult and saying, "look, I need some space" she broke up and sat back to watch and gauge the show her bf put on.

 

It was a selfish motive and I wish her luck finding a meaningful relationship given the way she conducts them.

 

 

 

 

 

I "dumped" my lovely boyfriend in Dec. He begged and pleaded a bit, I did not respond as many of your dumpers do not do to you. The REASON I did not respond was, to be very honest, an ego boost to see how far he would go for me and I guess part of me wanted to see how far he would bend (I know it's sick but I wasn't doing it to be mean but to test how much he really did love me), AND I did very much have feelings for him, I just needed away.

[Shadowdog36]

Really??? Is this what this has come down to???

 

Throw out the baby with the bathwater?? (to all you teens on here, look it up...it's a saying!)

 

Let's crucify this girl for being the embodiment of all of our ex's.

 

Is there anyone out there that can get past the first part of the OP, and see that there may be some merit in what else she had to say?? To me, it sounds like she was trying to be as truthful as possible, maybe to show that she understood the other side of all this, and made herself look bad in the process.

[Guest]

Wow, wow, wow, I figured I'd get attacked. Just to clarify, I did NOT dump my boyfriend to test him. I didn't respond to him initially because I guess I wanted to see how far he would go. Was just being honest to give you guys another opinion. I broke up with him because I wasn't sure I loved him anymore and wasn't sure I wanted the relationship. It wasn't unitl AFTER and because of his behavior that I wanted him back. I would apologize, but I wouldn't chase...and sometimes people need to be comunicating a bit to have the chance to apologize.

[McFadden]

Why is everyone so harsh? She said she felt like she needed space in addition to the part about testing him. Sometimes people want out of a relationship without knowing why. I don't think that's the point of this whole post.

 

Ignoring that first part, I think this is helpful and gave me a new angle to think about. Everyone on this board says NC is the only way to go when dumped. And that NC will make it look like the dumper is over the relationship. What you said about NC making it look like the dumpee is "so into you he can't even handle it" makes more sense to me, that could be true. Now I'm afraid my ex might be thinking the same thing, I have been in NC for over a month. Once again I don't know what to do.

[Guest]

It seems a bit weird to me that you want him back now but don't want to do anything about it.

 

It is also some what immature to think that you are not going to apologies or actively try and get him back when you were the one to hurt him in the first place.

 

I DO try and do things about it, but I do try to be subtle about it, as I feel like I would look like a complete idiot to grovel and am trying to get the opportunity to further my feelings without looking completly pathetic in the proccess. I know many of you see this as "immature". I'm just trying to be totally honest so that you can perhaps get a perspective on your own situations with your exes because I know how easy it is to think we don't care when most of the time we do. Cheaters are even sometimes just running away from something and not the compelty heartless, albiet jerky:) people they seem. Not that it's justified, but it may be the truth.

 

I GAURENTEE I've noticed some of your exes doing and saying things I have done to try and get my ex back, that's why I wanted to write. I just hope that you can maybe be a little open to these signs, and not just write someone off completly if in fact they are trying to reach out. I have a really incredible relationship therapist, who actually agrees that alot of these books, rules, NC ideas are very pop psych right now and many times, if they do work, the situation doesn't last because you got the person's attention under manipulative circumstances. That's not to say if it's abusive et. then certainly cut someone off. I'm just trying to be helpful and am sorry I'm a bad writer!!

[Guest]

QUOTE.

 

 

 

If i had thought for 1 minute that keeping in contact and the begging and pleading would have made a difference then i would have done it.I loved my ex too much not to try anything but i also knew that if i had continued begging and pleading it would have made me look desparate and there is only so much dignity you can lose before you lose all self respect.

 

 

 

I'm not saying to beg and plead, just the opposite. Have dignity, but don't maybe go to the extreme of NC if your ex is maybe trying to get in that slightly cracked door. Believe me, I'm ALL about keeping dignity. THat's why I'm saying from the Dumpers side, we experience this also. But also, evaluate with caution and have patience, I guess thats why it's a virtue

[Shadowdog36]

Thanks for the validation, McFadden. Your questions are exactly what I was looking at as well, and I think that a lot of the advice on here can be oversimplified and one-dimensional.

 

Everyone's experience is different, and there is no catch-all solution to every relationship. Only you can gauge the appropriate response to your ex, based on your reasons for your split as well as your emotional state today, and what your hopes are for the future.

 

The bottom line for me...start acting like a man again. I spent so much time in my head over this whole thing with me, I forgot why she was attracted to me in the first place. I was the strong, confident, assertive man that had all his s**t together, and swept her off her feet. I've become that guy again, after some major successes in my life. Yesterday was 1 month, no smoking. I've gone to the gym every day for the past 3 weeks, and have lost almost 25 pounds already. I'm back to my 34 waist again!!! (first time in almost 15 years). Last weekend was very 'successful' for me, as I had a different woman on Friday and Saturday night, just to make sure that I still 'got it'. Sure, none of them are HER, and I'd trade them all in for HER, but I'll take what I can at this point.

 

I read so many posts on here about guys asking how to ask a woman out, how to tell them you're interested, how to fix what they screwed up. The bottom line for most of these guys that I see, if it's not a totally messed up woman they're with, is that they need to remember how to be a man again. A woman, at the basest of levels, likes a man to be strong and confident. That's the reason I read on here for so many guys that can't make it work. They quit being strong for their woman.

 

Now, I know I'll take a lot of flack for what I just said, and I'm not insinuating that a caveman mentality is somehow a good thing. I'm just saying, remember who's the man.

[Dubb]

People confuse N/C. It is for you to heal!!! It is not a method to get your ex back. When you get over your ex are you really gonna care what they think? When you stay in touch with an ex you run a huge risk of being strung along and prolonging the pain. How does the OP know if N/C would of had an effect on her? He didn't really try it. What if he would of said to her that he respects her space but needs it himself to heal? How would she of looked at that? He is not blowing her off. He would be asking nicely for her to leave him be for a while.

[Shadowdog36]

Yes, Dubb. As I stated before, this situation is specific and does not apply to all, especially if you don't want a reconciliation. And while the ultimate purpose is to heal, I'd bet every person on here that's upset about getting left by someone hopes that their 'no contact' experience will make their S.O. realize what a mistake they made.

 

If you've decided that there is no hope or desire for a reconciliation, then cut them out of your life entirely. But who needs advice on that? That's like having a message board titled "Stoves: Why are they so hot??" with every post about how not to get burned (Stop touching it!!!)

 

My point is, you don't need to offer advice about how to walk away when you really want to walk away. Almost everyone on here comes to the forum under the guise that they want to heal. What they really want is their ex back!!! If that is the ultimate objective, then pure 'no contact' is not the best advice you can give someone, even though that seems to be the majority of posts.

 

I, for one, am happy to hear the story from the other side. Sure, it may not be my experience, and I don't expect my ex to come running back to me. But can't I get some confidence and hope out of hearing a story like that? I'd perfer to have a forum where we can hear both sides of the story and gain some real insight into the minds of people.

 

Not to make everyone feel bad here, but we need to remember that we're taking the advice of other people from failed relationships. It's helped me to gain some perspective on my situation and I find reading the posts to be theraputic, but I can't say that it's the most dynamic advice.

 

Attacking someone that's willing to share the other side of things is like burying your head in the sand.

[Kamille]

As someone who was never able to manage NC, I think I feel vindicated! But the problem with staying in contact with my exes is that it has kept me hanging on for a second chance for way too long. I had to go through a bit of NC to really get him out of my system and feel like myself again.

 

I currently don't really even understand why I ever wanted a second chance, but at least now ex and I are friends. Not close friends but we joke around, which is nice. I think he is seeing someone now.

 

As Nora Jane pointed out, the OP's reasoning only works because her reason for breaking up were so murky. Times I have been the dumper, I knew my decision was final. Nothing could have effectively made me come back. And I might still have used the same vocabulary she did of 'needing space' because I'm really not that analytical when it comes to figuring out why I want out of a relationship. If I ever find myself dumping a guy again, I will make sure to be very clear on it being over.

[Guest]

It's me The Dumper again...I should register so I have a name. First I just want to say, I am not a sociopth nor have NPD. I'm 31 years old and I realize that many of you think I'm immature and you can vilify me for my choices but I am being completly honest and am doing it to expose you to the "other side" and maybe to appease my own guilt...therefore I take and I understand the negativity.

 

The other thing I wanted to share that you may find interesting is that one day it took me 4 hours to figure out what text message I should write my dumpee. Yes, 4 hours. Ridiculous I know. Guess what I ended up writing? "Hope your well..." Yep, that's all I wrote. It took me so long and I went through a meriad of things to write. Do I say "I want to see you?" what if he ignors my text if I write that? What if he's moved on? We definatly wonder if you guys have met someone. What do we write you guys??!! Do you know how hard it is to write "I'm so sorry, I want you back?" that's like next to immpossible!! So I wrote "Hope your well..." I thought it would be neutral if he ignored it, and wasn't putting myself out there so much.

 

I'm trying to do paragraphs now . Anyway, he wrote back "I'm well! Been traveling some and work is going well. I hear your brother is doing great things at work. Have a great week." That was such a great response. Newsy, polite, sweet and not needing ANYTHING. Yes, yell at me again, but I waited a few day and then wrote again and hoping it starts together slowly. But if you take nothing else from this, note my behavior.

 

Here is the thing. IF your ex is NOT with someone else (yeah! first of all) AND you randomly hear from them, even if it's dumb like "hows it going?" Don't read so much into the message, realize they are taking time to contact you!!!! Somtimes we don't know what to say! If they do this, 99% they are trying to reach out. Not in every case, which is why i also disagree with blanket no contact. Every situation is different so you really have to listen to your intuition and be patiant and DON'T jump right back at the first sign. If he would have written "oh great! listen I love you and want to be back" that may have sent me running scared again. Try not bringing anything about the relationship up for a little bit.

 

New paragraph . Maybe if you think of it as the start of a new relationship, where your nice and cool about things but don't jump the gun or want answers, it may help your thought proccess. again, just trying to annonomously put things out there. Somtimes things aren't necessarily black or white, they take a little balancing. Again, this is for people who wern't abused et. It's so interesting for me as well to see how you guys are thinking and what you want from us. It takes a certain kind of person though to come crawling back, begging and saying everything you want to hear. Not all of us are like that. Promise.

[Guest]

One last thing!!!! If they are not with someone and they ask you out GO!!!! Geez just go!! And don't bring up the relationship, look hot, and give them the best, most fun, flirty date and then leave it! They will start to think of you, promise.

[Woggle]

These games will eventually destroy any relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

OP, I completely disagree with your perspective.

 

1. You dumped him for no good reason.

2. Now you're happy that he's acting civilized even though you've stripped him of all self-esteem and dignity.

3. Now you want him back because he was so cordial and demanded nothing from you which is what you wanted in the first place, a one-way relationship with no responsibilities.

4. But you won't pursue him and give him back his fair share of self-esteem.

 

If you want him back, suck it up and get some balls and go after him. You owe it to this guy for dumping him for such a stupid reason. You've completely ignored the pain you've given him. Everything you've said is solely for your gain. How selfish can you get?

 

If I were the guy, I would leave you stewing in your own pride and ego.