Advise from a Dumper....

[McFadden]

Good advice Shadowdog. Even though I'm the woman I'm going to remember that I'm the man of this situation and start acting like it damn it. I will go to Del Taco and eat 10 macho tacos in front of my ex boyfriend and he will be so impressed that he'll faint and swoon.

 

Hahah joking aside yes I am one of the people who openly wants the ex back. I was told that NC was the only thing to do no matter what result I am going for. I am starting to rethink that. My situation is a lot like this situation. My ex needed space and was not ready for the relationship. After hearing this story I am now rethinking NC. I don't want him (or other people) to think I am so obsessed with him that I can't handle talking to him. Because I'm not. I would be fine talking to him, I don't care either way. I am only doing NC because everyone advises that as the best plan. I still don't know what to do though, it's a tough call.

[Nanachu]

I am a dumpee right now and I want my ex BF back. I believe in NC strongly. Having said that I see some of her point "non-NC can increase a chance of getting your ex back" in a certain situation, especially a dumper is like her.

 

Nowadays I don't dump people until I am so sure that I don't love him and this relationship is not going to work (this probably helped me being a dumpee!). However, when I was younger, yes, I dumped my BF with the similar reasons that she mentioned. Some of my dumpee ex begged me and showed how much they loved me. Yes, I took some of them back. But, in the end, I dumped them again. They did not give me time to really think about what was wrong with me. Also, the fact they tried to come back with me made me think that my action was OK to do and I can do again, over and over.

 

So, my point is that we can get our ex back in an appoach that she suggested, but we will be likely forced to go through the same pain from the person. As I care about my ex so much and, if ever, we can start again, I want to build healthy respectful long-lasting relationshp. So, I am doing NC.

[fireflywy]

Really??? Is this what this has come down to???

 

Throw out the baby with the bathwater?? (to all you teens on here, look it up...it's a saying!)

 

Let's crucify this girl for being the embodiment of all of our ex's.

 

Is there anyone out there that can get past the first part of the OP, and see that there may be some merit in what else she had to say?? To me, it sounds like she was trying to be as truthful as possible, maybe to show that she understood the other side of all this, and made herself look bad in the process.

 

Tuthful or not, she still expects him to play her game knowing that it hurt him when she broke up with him. Now she's not going to pursue him after all of his emotional fortitude, patience and kindness?

 

She's still playing him and keeping him on the string. She'll never make her move but she's still getting an ego boost by his periodic bouts of attention and he keeps hanging on. Sure she says that she cares about him but all that caring in the world doesn't mean squat if she doesn't get off her ego and make a move toward him.

 

Until that happens, this guy is hung up a on a woman who won't show him her affection while she enjoys her selfish little ego boost.

 

This is wrong.

 

Coming for a guy who has now successfully had over 7 months of no contact and has now moved on, this guy should have gone No Contact a looong time ago. Believe me, I tried what he's doing and never got anything back.

[Art_Critic]

Until that happens, this guy is hung up a on a woman who won't show him her affection while she enjoys her selfish little ego boost.

 

the chances are the guy will be hung up on the woman anyhow.. just look at all the posts where the dumpee never hears from the dumpers again and they are still hung up..

 

It is just a game of love and war.. It's called life..

 

Not every breakup is textbook and BOTH parties play a role ( for the most part anyhow ). and both parties paly games.. look at how many dumpees are playing the NC game trying to win their ex back.. that is a game also.. and is also wrong by your own definitions

[fireflywy]

the chances are the guy will be hung up on the woman anyhow.. just look at all the posts where the dumpee never hears from the dumpers again and they are still hung up..

 

It is just a game of love and war.. It's called life..

 

Not every breakup is textbook and BOTH parties play a role ( for the most part anyhow ). and both parties paly games.. look at how many dumpees are playing the NC game trying to win their ex back.. that is a game also.. and is also wrong by your own definitions

 

I see what you're saying. However, NC may start as a way to win your ex-back but if you continue to do it over time, I believe anyway, that it becomes much more permanent and healing the longer you do it and the less of a game it becomes. You will ALWAYS have some attachment to the person who split from you but the intensity of that attachment losses its intensity when NC reveals to you that life is moving on and that they're not coming back.

 

NC doesn't mean that you don't respect the person, it means that you respect yourself and give yourself time to heal from a traumatic experience. It doesn't mean that you can NEVER contact your ex again or even be friendly when you run across eachother, but I do believe you need that initial NC time to sort through your feelings, move in other directions, and realize that there is no game to be played between you and your ex any longer.

 

Once again, the above post was my opinion. It's not right, it's not wrong. It's simply my view regarding the original poster's thread. (amazing that I can look at it like that now and realize that it's okay to have my opinions and be myself. )

[stace79]

I guess my problem with this is: why do people see breaking up or taking breaks as a necessary part of a developing relationship?

 

If something about your SO is bad enough to need a break or to break up, then they aren't meant for you. We'd all be a lot better off if we didn't treat "breaks," or breakups, or divorces for that matter, so lightly.

 

If I love someone, I want to do everything I can to compromise, to talk through something, to meet halfway so that the relationship can continue to grow and develop.

 

Breaking up should never be a game to see if someone loves you, it shouldn't be to "take some space" and then get back together. Either you want to be with someone or you don't.

 

More people should view breaking up as the final straw and last resort if certain things are absolutely insurmountable.

[Kamille]

We'd all be a lot better off if we didn't treat "breaks," or breakups, or divorces for that matter, so lightly.

 

 

Hear hear!

[climbergirl]

I see what you're saying. However, NC may start as a way to win your ex-back but if you continue to do it over time, I believe anyway, that it becomes much more permanent and healing the longer you do it and the less of a game it becomes. You will ALWAYS have some attachment to the person who split from you but the intensity of that attachment losses its intensity when NC reveals to you that life is moving on and that they're not coming back.

 

NC doesn't mean that you don't respect the person, it means that you respect yourself and give yourself time to heal from a traumatic experience. It doesn't mean that you can NEVER contact your ex again or even be friendly when you run across eachother, but I do believe you need that initial NC time to sort through your feelings, move in other directions, and realize that there is no game to be played between you and your ex any longer.

 

Once again, the above post was my opinion. It's not right, it's not wrong. It's simply my view regarding the original poster's thread. (amazing that I can look at it like that now and realize that it's okay to have my opinions and be myself. )

 

I agree.

 

And in addendum, true no contact, if you're doing it because you know you have to move on, is a way of saying, 'game over'.

[kimberlyk]

why do people see breaking up or taking breaks as a necessary part of a developing relationship?

 

If something about your SO is bad enough to need a break or to break up, then they aren't meant for you. We'd all be a lot better off if we didn't treat "breaks," or breakups, or divorces for that matter, so lightly.

 

If I love someone, I want to do everything I can to compromise, to talk through something, to meet halfway so that the relationship can continue to grow and develop.

 

 

YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!

[Art_Critic]

If I love someone, I want to do everything I can to compromise, to talk through something, to meet halfway so that the relationship can continue to grow and develop.

 

Word... If more people would be like this then there would be fewer breakups and more full fulling relationships out there.

 

I always strive to do everything possible as well.. but sometimes the other party gives up too quick and there is nothing you can do at that point but move on.

[thecount]

the girl that wrote this sounds like pathological narcissist. And what's with this "us" thing -- you love us, you want us.... damn. BIG EGO TRIP. that's all it is. and the guy that's being so nice to her. he's just doing what we all did. Give her her space. she calls he answers. Lets see what happens when she pulls this again. Lets see how nice this guy is going to be at that point.

 

As long as it's in her terms she wants him back. He's doing everything she wants. what about what he wants? There will be a time when he's going to ask for something.

[NorCalDave]

One last thing!!!! If they are not with someone and they ask you out GO!!!! Geez just go!! And don't bring up the relationship, look hot, and give them the best, most fun, flirty date and then leave it! They will start to think of you, promise.

 

 

 

This is exactly what happened with me and my ex!! We've been split for 7 weeks, she split with me due to our age gap and my life "inexperience" (no cheating or lying or deceit, I am 281/2), and this past Sunday she asked me after church to spend the whole day with her. We were going to go to the beach and have a picnic, but instead we had a super flirty workout, then got dinner and went to a movie. I kept it light and flirty the whole time, and didn't pressure or talk about "us", I just kept her laughing the whole time, and I was looking pretty hot, I must say.

Then, we haven't talked all week, and I am wondering if she has been thinking about me and wanting to go out again.

So, I guess she is huh?

[Guest]

"This is exactly what happened with me and my ex!! We've been split for 7 weeks, she split with me due to our age gap and my life "inexperience" (no cheating or lying or deceit, I am 281/2), and this past Sunday she asked me after church to spend the whole day with her. We were going to go to the beach and have a picnic, but instead we had a super flirty workout, then got dinner and went to a movie. I kept it light and flirty the whole time, and didn't pressure or talk about "us", I just kept her laughing the whole time, and I was looking pretty hot, I must say.

Then, we haven't talked all week, and I am wondering if she has been thinking about me and wanting to go out again.

So, I guess she is huh?"

 

Dave, I think she is thinking about you. I do. She may not show it though because, and I know nothing about your situation, but she may feel that this was a new side to you and she may not be sure what to make of it just yet. She's probably a little suprised you didn't ask for anything and is unsure how to see it. Just as we have to rebuild the trust with you that we won't dump you again, we need to learn to trust that you won't cling to us like a baby koala again. I don't know why all these people on here think I'm advocating some game. I think the opposite, it is no game. Just gaining your dignity, becoming a man again and being polite and civil.

 

It sounds strange but I liken it to a stray dog. you have to slowly and patiently stand your ground and not make any sudden moves for it to learn to come closer and closer without being sprung upon or catured and I think the best way to do that is to find your own strength in being yourself again. The person you attracted them to begin with and don't spring any suprise emotional demands on them. Takes patience! She may not know what to do and it may take her sometime to figure it out. She may be thinking "hmmm, this is interesting. He was really fun and cool, what happens now?? do I want to maybe go there with him? hmmm..." and these may be scary thoughts for her...

[Shadowdog36]

Oh boy, where do I begin...

 

I'm looking at this situation from my pespective, which sounds a whole lot like this, so let me first put that out there so I don't get attacked. That said...

 

I was this guy. Although my reason for finding this site had to do with a short term relationship, I feel like this guy made the same mistakes that I did...coming on too strong, asserting my feelings into the relationship without regard to her pace or comfort level, and trying to 'fix' this by pouring it on even thicker as she was pulling away.

 

"No, you can't leave, you have no idea how much I care for you...if you could only see..."

 

Why do people take breaks? Cause the care is there, the feeling is there. But until you're willing to step back and give the space that the other one needs and deserves, you can't see what you're doing.

 

By this guy acting the way he did, he showed her that she may have misread him about how needy he was and, as such, her initial attraction came back. This is not playing games!!! This is emotion and feeling and raw attraction.

 

Now we're sitting here telling her what she did was wrong,and how could she be so mean, but what about what he did?? He was selfish, and unmoving in the relationship and forced her to pull away when she didn't want too.

 

What? You don't buy that? How is that scenerio any less realistic from what I'm reading on here about this poor guy, and all the feelings that we're assigning to him. We don't know!!! Bottom line.

 

And I'll say it again, maybe she was trying to be a little smug about her reasons for staying away, but I'll bet that's more for her own emotional armor that what's real.

 

I've become the guy that she says she now sees in him. Confident, unassuming, dismissive of the past and looking to the future, whether it's with her or not. Should he have walked away forever? His call. Will she do this again? I don't think so. She's already seen that she can be wrong about someone, and I don't think she'll make that mistake again. Was this a game to her? Again, I don't think so.

 

It sounds like this guy has come out of this relatively unscathed, with him having a better perspective on sharing the emotional connection in a relationship, and her with a better attitude on how not to be so quick to judge.

[Shadowdog36]

McFadden, consider the following statement to be gender neutral...

 

Everyone should grow a set of balls!!

 

Not only that, but I think there's a taco joke in there somewhere, but I'm not going there...

 

Anyway, here's what happened to me today.

 

Left work about 10 minutes late. Dealing with a snowstorm in Pittsburgh, and didn't want to deal with rush hour traffic, so I stayed a bit late. When I walked out of the building today, I saw HER walking towards me to her bus stop.

 

Now this is probably the 3rd or 4th time I've seen her or she's seen me, and we've walked past each other without saying a word in the past. Today, when I saw her, she was carrying an umbrella cause of the snow, and made a point to carry it extra low when she walked by. Kinda cover her eyes and avoid eye contact. Funny when you think about it.

 

I stopped, and stooped over as she was walking by, looking under the umbrella, smiling at her. I said 'Helloooo' and she had this look of terror on her face that she actually had to say something to me. She said 'Hi, ShadowDog' and I kept walking, but that look on her face was PRICELESS!!

 

Now, maybe that incident opened up a lot of ideas in her head, and maybe it didn't. But the bottom line for me was, I didn't look like I had to avoid this woman for my sanity, and I feel better about it. A little more confident that I can still cause that kind of reaction in her.

 

I'm not playing any games. I realized today, that for so long I thought she was being mean, and today I saw for the first time, she's not being mean, she's scared. And the best person I can be to someone that's scared is unassuming and harmless.

 

I've said it before. If the day ever comes, she'll have a better guy on the other side of this. If not, I'll be better for myself ... and for every other fine lady out there!!!

 

I think my set's getting bigger by the day. ;)

[Auqakuh]

<first post, snipped>

 

Here, here!

 

I agree with pretty much all of that, ESPECIALLY the bit about NC. While I'm sure it's great and all, I still strongly believe that there's no point breaking contact with someone you don't want to break contact with - especially if you don't know if they actually want to break contact!

 

I've had a few breakups in my time, and equally a few times I've wanted that person back; thus far only once have they -not- come back. Every time it didn't actually work out, not in the way we both thought we wanted, but we ended up very good friends, because we just drifted into friendship rather than flee into oblivion to each other in blind panic. We got together, discussed what was wrong, tried to make it work - and it didn't.

 

And every single time, I'll admit fully, I was the one dumped, and I was the one chasing. Yes, chasing. Of course, my definition of chasing is somewhat different. Up til now, I've always remained cool, calm, know my own mind, wear my heart on my sleeve, show them I trust them, show them I'm willing to forgive whatever they did that hurt me and I don't -require- them to forgive what I did - that's up to them. If they can, I'll be happy. No pressure.

 

Until this latest time, that is. She was, in my heart of hearts, I feel, the greatest and most tumultuous love of my life. There's always that one that you look back on and think... if I had done it differently, if I'd known how important she was, if I'd even known I -could- lose her... sometimes there's such a thing as too much belief, and even to someone who knows you inside out... it seems like lunacy, or overconfidence, or other bad things. I chased her utterly because I trusted her so completely that I never believed she'd assume the worst of me... but she didn't trust me the same way because I'd broken that trust. I hadn't meant to... but I did.

 

And because I chased so hard I may have lost her forever. Indeed, she called the police on me, in a fit of rage, more than anything, I believe. Things got angry. I am a passionate person and so is she - and this time... that passion needed to be put to one side. And I didn't know how to do it.

 

No contact should be revised to "no passion". Show them you care, show them you love them, show them you want them - but remember you just want them.

 

You don't really need them - not to survive, not to be you. Else you'd already be dead.

[Trialbyfire]

You don't really need them - not to survive, not to be you. Else you'd already be dead.

I'm not certain that I agree with everything you've said but these two sentences should be bronzed.

[ibitealil]

Yes, I am a dumper. I check out these boards every now and then because I find them interesting. I finally decided to add my 2 cents in case it helps shine some light on any of your situations. Now I understand many of you will not agree, want to argue, think I'm

 

Its not that im critisizing u but first of all, it seems like u dont know how does it feel to be dumped. It hurts. It makes u feel like ur life is over, that u r unwanted, useless etc, especially when theres not good enough reason to be dumpbed. So of course if the dumper suddenly wants to talk to u after so much emotions uve been through, the dumpee must be concerned about what to do.

 

Second, it feels like you dont really love the dumpee, but u just want him back because he is handling the situation so well, being so polite and nice and u suddenly realized how good he is. U said urself u r not gonna do anything about it even if u want him back. That explains it. U thought he has to prove his love to u but now u know that u r wrong.

 

At last dont be too proud about urself girl, life is short and u never know real good guys are always there along the road or not. Love is more than a pride.

 

On the other hand, i undertstand the way how u feel about u wanting him. I also have doubts and fears about my bf if he really loves me or not and i wonder sometimes how far hed go if there were some challenge to test him. (but i know i wont dump him for that) So now since u already did dump him but still really want him then try to get him back little by little. Do something about it, instead of sitting and wanting some support over ur decision. (i dont know what possibilities u have) but dont wait for him to make the moves. He should not and would not i assume. Build up the grounds to tell him u want him back and tell him once the ground is there!

 

Good luck with ur future!

[daphne]

Guest,

 

Sorry you're getting some harsh reactions from some people that are very hurt and possibly looking to take it out on you since they can't take it out on their ex. Then they might look psycho. Here, they just look, well psycho.

 

In your posts and I didn't get the impression that you're borderline or narcissistic. I think your'e being very honest and it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. Maybe you goofed by taking your ex for granted, I don't know. You didn't post the details so I'm just throwing it out there.

 

I think there are a few situations in teh breakup world.

 

1) Dumpee is extremely hurt, emotional and cannot deal with the dumper who is stringing them along. NC is important, at least for a few months to regain composure.

 

2) Dumpee is hurt, but the relationship is unsalvageable. NC is probably mutual.

 

3) Dumpee is hurt but there's this "I don't know what I want, I need space" deal. This is where a period of nc could be helpful, or lc. If the person can maintain control over their emotions and are not taking anti depressants or sitting at home without shaving for a month watching tv in teh dark, person can maintain some semblance of lc with ex.

 

You're right, in certain cases patience is a really important ingredient. People break up all of the time and get back together later. The breakups that I've seen that lead to successful reunions usually lasted at least 5-6 months, even a year or two sometimes. Those people learned how to live on their own and honestly, the majority maintained contact. They didn't let themselves get strung along so they didn't appear needy which is a big ingredient in getting back together. The RECURRING THEME that I noticed was that each dumpee was initially upset but faked it until they made it and just gave up and moved on. They had confidence in themselves and it showed.

 

I once tried to go back to a guy that I dumped, adn I swore after that I would never ever do it again. I was humble, I apologized, I said I needed to work on myself and that I felt that I made a mistake. He treated me like crap. He humiliated me and tried to get me back. So I walked away. If dumpees are just looking for a Win in a competitive sport, this is the way to react. He regretted it later, but it didn't matter.

 

If a dumpee wants a pound of flesh, they shouldn't expect any kind of reconciliation. If you want a real reconciliation, it is going to require slow movements and patience like the OP mentioned. But you can't have your blinders on. Some people will try to string you along for sex, closeness etc. It doesn't sound like the OP is doing any of those things. She's seeing how things go and isn't that what dating is? And after a break you really need to watch and listen.

 

I had an ex that was nuts about me but I never developed strong enough feelings to continue. He sensed it, and he got extremely emotional and hostile and we broke up. Afterwards, I was glad he was gone. He essentially proved that I was right to end it because I saw that he wasn't terribly stable. There's a lot to this notion of not weraing your heart on your sleeve and just trying to go with teh flow and maintain your composure.

 

Another guy that I once rejected for a date was sweet and confident. He said "ok, well have a good time then" and walked away. He was so gentle about it and confident, that I chased him down, we went out and we ended up having the best relationship I've ever had. His ability to not take it personally was very appealing.

 

If we could all learn not to take things too personally though, none of us would be here.

[Shadowdog36]

u noe wen u r reading a post from a teen wen u have to take ur time to read what they say, cause they cant take their time to spell it out. wen did ur time become more valuable than mine?

[Rooster_DAR]

I'm convinced that women love the drama that surrounds this kind of behaviour.

 

[panzer6]

This can be summed up in one word. RESPECT! You dumped this guy and then realized you made a mistake but you have too much RESPECT for yourself to come out and admit it to him. So, you then proceed to show him little if any RESPECT for his feelings by using this situation, which you created by the way, for some type of twisted sociological experiment! By doing so you expected to see how far he was willing to go to get you back. What you didn't count on was his capacity to develop RESPECT for himself. He didn't beg, he didn't grovel, he didn't plead with you to take him back. My question is this, how is that working for you ? From what I can see it isn't. You want him back, but you don't have him because you have too much respect to go crawling back. He probably wants you back as well, but has too much respect for himself to beg. You dumped him, you need to pull your head out of your ass and get over yourself. You need to stop this Passive-Aggressive behaviour once and for all. You remind me of my ex. She suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. This is exactly the kind of crap she used to pull on me. Relationships need to have open and honest communication or they wither and die. Either talk to him openly and honestly about what you really want or let him go. It's that simple.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm convinced that women love the drama that surrounds this kind of behaviour.

 

Rooster, Didn't anyone ever tell you that it's only drama when it surrounds someone else? When it happens to you, it's a serious situation.

[Shadowdog36]

I'm again amazed by the capacity for people on here to commit themselves to the double standand. IF she had been coming on here saying 'I made a mistake, I want him back' or if she had been less than honest about the situation surrounding this experience for her, you all would have sympathy for this girl and giving her advice on how to proceed instead of condemning her for her actions.

 

I can see it now. You would have told her that no contact is the best option for her and that she needs to give him his space and take it slow, and whatever. Instead, you're yelling at this girl for not coming right out and speaking her mind to this guy. What happened to the advice to not say too much?

 

Panzer--FYI--this girl is not your ex. By ending your post with that little tidbit, you're letting us all know exactly the position you're coming from, and your advice is, therefore, suspect, clouded by your own experience and need to avenge your feelings with your ex.

[thecount]

No contact is NOT the answer for every situation. It's the way she went about it, and the way that she's really NOT making an effort to get him back. Are the points she made valid? sure, but not in every situation.

 

No contact is about YOU having to move on for your own sanity, because the other person is making you misreable. Not to be childish or playing a game, but to move on.

 

Will I like my ex back? Hell yeah, but the woman she once was, not who she became. She still calls me for advice, (non-relationship advice) I give her the best advice I can possibly give her. I tried to remain civil with her, but I noticed that I still love her and have hopes that she would change. Doesn't look like it will happen. She needs therapy. She admitted that, but hasn't made any moves to even make a call. So you tell me, do I have the right for N/C? is that a game I'm playing?