Advise from a Dumper....

[daphne]

Panzer--FYI--this girl is not your ex. By ending your post with that little tidbit, you're letting us all know exactly the position you're coming from, and your advice is, therefore, suspect, clouded by your own experience and need to avenge your feelings with your ex.

 

But isn't that what everyone does anytime a dumper comes on board and is honest about how they feel? Misery loves company and none of us like to look at the person who is in control of their emotions and ok about letting someone (us) go. It's relief by proxy. I won't lie, I've done it myself once or twice. But it's been generally directed towards someone who has done some far worse things to hurt their so than the OP. We've all been the dumper and dumpee. We all know that sometimes, we realize that the person we've dumped isn't the one we want to spend our lives with. This doesn't make someone a bad person. Cruelty, cheating and abuse maybe. But when someone makes the determination that they can live without us, we can be mad for a time but at some point we need to let it go and realize that they've done us a favor. Did they take us for granted, in my opinion, probably. But we're now free to find someone who won't and who doesn't want to live without us and really want to have us in their lives.

 

There's no reason to beat someone up for having made a decision that they felt was in their best interest. We all do this.

 

I think what is triggering anger in the post is that the op admitted that she was testing her ex to see how much he loved her. This is not a borderline trait. This is called HUMAN NATURE. My ex did it to me, up to the night I told him I never wanted to hear from him again. Did it tick me off? Absolutely. Have I ever done it myself? Absolutely. I generally do it when I want to be sure that the person cares for me the same way I care about them. Unfortunately, it doens't always produce the intended results though and can push people away.

[Young&Sexy21]

I think what is triggering anger in the post is that the op admitted that she was testing her ex to see how much he loved her. This is not a borderline trait. This is called HUMAN NATURE. My ex did it to me, up to the night I told him I never wanted to hear from him again. Did it tick me off? Absolutely. Have I ever done it myself? Absolutely. I generally do it when I want to be sure that the person cares for me the same way I care about them. Unfortunately, it doens't always produce the intended results though and can push people away.

 

I think this arugment is sick. Not just from you Daphne, but the argument in general. Don't toy with someone, it's unethical. Regardless of wheather or not you've have it done to you...how can you not feel guilty???

 

This is not "Human Nature" and this is under no circumstances natural behaviour. It's twisted and the person who plays out this puppetmaster fantasy should seek help.

 

Why do I think this is wrong? If you've decided that you do not want to be with this person any longer, what does it matter if they care about you the same way you care about them--most especially when YOU NO LONGER CARE ABOUT THEM THAT WAY. I've been on both ends of a breakup and as the dumper it never crossed my mind to test the girl I'd just broken up with to see how much she really felt for me---I just moved on.

 

Come on now, think about what your saying.

[Shadowdog36]

Daph-

 

Maybe I'm hung on your choice of words, but, I really hope that I'm reading it wrong when you make a statement like "the person who is in control of their emotions".

 

I thought that was me? Maybe that's why I don't understand where so many people are coming from on here.

 

It would be so much easier for me to read this, given my experience and say...'That bitch! She did the same thing that my ex did to me!' It would be so much easier for me to stay angry, but then how is that moving on?

 

By staying the same person that we were when we all got dumped, aren't we all guilty of what thecount said his ex is guilty of

 

"I still love her and have hopes that she would change. Doesn't look like it will happen."

 

By us refusing to look ourselves in the eye and say, maybe I have some issues that need to be addressed to, how can we continue to point fingers at our ex's and accuse them of not being willing to make the change?

 

And, please re-read the OP. I'm getting tired of reminding people on here, but the reason she broke up was NOT to test him. She clearly stated that that's one of the reasons why she didn't contact him, not a reason for the split.

 

Count--

 

Do you have the right? Always.

 

Is that what you really want? I don't think so, but only you can truthfully answer that. You claim that it's not a game, yet you say things like you really want her back, and she hasn't gone to therapy. Sounds to me like you're keeping in touch, waiting for the time when she does decide to make those changes.

 

Does it sound like you're playing a game? Yeah, it does. But it's a game you're playing with yourself, not her. You keep giving this 'no contact' idea all the lip service in the world, yet continue to give her advice? Who are you trying to fool? Me? Why should I care? I'm an anonymous nobody in a random message board.

 

Count, until you decide what you really want, you'll continue to have issues with this.

 

Myself, I still want my ex back. That's never changed for me. I've had my issues in the past, and I'm sure I still have some more...no one's perfect. Will I continue to chase her? Hell no. Will I try to eliminate her from my life entirely? Why would I?

 

Active avoidance is as strong a message as active persistence.

 

There's a saying that may be applicable here...

 

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

 

And that's how I'm trying to feel...indifferent. I hear so many people say that they need to let the love go, but so few people mention that it's just as important to let the hate go too.

[lorr]

I guess my problem with this is: why do people see breaking up or taking breaks as a necessary part of a developing relationship?

 

If something about your SO is bad enough to need a break or to break up, then they aren't meant for you. We'd all be a lot better off if we didn't treat "breaks," or breakups, or divorces for that matter, so lightly.

 

If I love someone, I want to do everything I can to compromise, to talk through something, to meet halfway so that the relationship can continue to grow and develop.

 

Breaking up should never be a game to see if someone loves you, it shouldn't be to "take some space" and then get back together. Either you want to be with someone or you don't.

 

More people should view breaking up as the final straw and last resort if certain things are absolutely insurmountable.

 

Totally and 100% agree. The most sensible written so far.

[Guest2]

Hey Guest,

 

I'm really happy I came across this thread you started just now, as I had started thinking yesterday about possibly asking out my ex. We went out for only 1-1/2 months before things got kind of screwy. After 1-1/2 months she told me that we weren't exclusive, that she wasn't ready for that yet. I had thought we were exclusive for some time.. Anyways, after a few more weeks she told me we were just friends, and I told her NC. That was early November.

 

It's been 4-1/2 months. After a month of NC I bumped into her, and we chatted about random stuff. Since then I bump into her every few weeks, and always stop and chat randomly for a few minutes. Nothing ever about the relationship. The only other communication since November was her texting me on thanksgiving and sending me a really nice happy birthday email this past week in which she wrote "I feel fortunate to have met you and feel happy that we are still friends."

 

Additionally I know that we were matched up on a dating site a month ago, and instead of declining my match, she put it on hold. I wouldn't know this if I didn't have a friend who's a matchmaker on the site who was able to see this, so my ex doesn't realize i know.

 

I've gone out with a few other women in the mean time, and I've gone days, and probably even a week here or there at a time where I didn't even think about this girl, but I know she's an amazing girl, and our times together were great for both us.

 

So.. I'm thinking if I should ask her out the next time I bump into her. I had thought she was supposed to pursue if she wanted back in. However, even if she wanted to, I feel she would be too unsure of asking, and feel that she's thought about it before.

 

I figure whenever I bump into her next to ask her if she wants to go out sometime, be clear that's it's for a date, and tell her not to answer now, to think about it, and let me know in a few weeks. I figure it's better to do it in person even if it takes a while for me to bump into her again.

 

What do you think? Good idea? Bad idea? Better way to go about it?

[ElDuderino]

Hey Guest,

 

Glad I stumbled onto this thread of yours, as just yesterday I started thinking about asking out my ex. We went out for only 1-1/2 months before things got kind of screwy. After 1-1/2 months she told me that we weren't exclusive, that she wasn't ready for that yet. I had thought we were exclusive for some time.. Anyways, after a few more weeks she told me we were just friends, and I told her NC. That was early November.

 

About a month later I bumped into her, and we chatted randomly for a few minutes. Since then I bump into her every few weeks, and we chat randomly. Other than bumping into her every now and then, the only communication has been her texting me on thanksgiving and emailing me the other day a really nice email wishing me a happy birthday and saying "I feel fortunate to have met you and feel happy that we are still friends."

 

Additionally, I know we were matched up on this dating site a month ago or so, and instead of declining me, she put the match on hold. I wouldn't know this if i didn't have a friend who's a matchmaker on the site who told me, so my ex doesn't realize i know.

 

I've gone out with a few other women in the mean time, and I've gone days, and probably even a week here or there at a time where I didn't even think about this girl, but I know she's an amazing girl, and our times together were great for both us. I feel I may have contributed to the relationship having screwed up due to inexperience or what not, and that I've learnt a lot since then.

 

I had always felt she should be the one to pursue me if she wanted back in, but I feel she would be too unsure of asking even if it's what she wanted, and feel that she's thought about it. So.. I'm thinking if I should ask her out the next time I bump into her, be clear that's it's for a date, and tell her not to answer now, to think about it for a few weeks. I feel it would be better to do this in person even if it's a while before I bump into her again.

 

Good idea? Bad idea? Better way to go about it? How would you like to hear it?

[Young&Sexy21]

Active avoidance is as strong a message as active persistence.

...and that message is "I'm oh so immature"

Avoidance does not counter persistence. It says "you can't take no for an answer, and I'm not secure enough in my position to fight you until you submit."

 

I'm bitter because I've been weak in that department. I believe in people all too easily and so when I dump, it doesn't take much to twist my arm. I'll be the first to admit to not being secure enough in my position to fight to submission...but I NEVER avoid.

 

My ex did the avoid-me-dance...it hurt because to me it said "I still like you and I'm not so sure I'm making the right decision...but instead of facing my feelings and getting to the bottom of it all---dealing with it...I'm going to just cut it out all together."

[Salicious Crumb]

Yes, I am a dumper. I check out these boards every now and then because I find them interesting. I finally decided to add my 2 cents in case it helps shine some light on any of your situations. Now I understand many of you will not agree, want to argue, think I'm dead wrong but I wanted to at least give some of you the perspective of a dumper who now wants the dumpee back.

 

I "dumped" my lovely boyfriend in Dec. He begged and pleaded a bit, I did not respond as many of your dumpers do not do to you. The REASON I did not respond was, to be very honest, an ego boost to see how far he would go for me and I guess part of me wanted to see how far he would bend .

 

this post stinks of narcissism.

[Auqakuh]

Active avoidance is as strong a message as active persistence.

 

Amen.

 

Apparently I can't -just- say that, so, yeah. Amen times two?

 

Very true.

[Young&Sexy21]

this post stinks of narcissism.

 

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

[iwantherback]

To the dumper who wrote this thread:

 

Im in a very similar situation. My gf left after 2.5 yrs after i successively turned into clingy boy. Sad i know. We've started seeing each other again, weve talked casually, and she smiles, laughs, and yesterday we went out to the mall and ate dinner. Everything was good, it was light, funny, and sweet at the same time. Thank god i didnt talk about getting back together.

 

She still calls me to say goodnight, and calls to see how i am. She says theres hope.

 

Is it right for me to call her? Or will that make her think that im clingy boy all over again? When do i call? When i do i ask to see her?

 

WTF should i do?

[thecount]

I don't have all the answers. No one does, or we all wound't be on LoveShack if that was the case. But I do know that playing with someones love and emotions is just plane f**ked up. Good people don't do things like that. You wanna play a game with yourself, then go ahead and knock yourself out.

 

As far as wanting her back, I said if she can change and be the woman I fell in love with, The woman I fell in love with was so sweet and caring. i don't know who this new person is anymore. She's become down right mean at times. Am I waiting for her to come back, I'm not holding my breathe if that's what you're asking?

 

Offering advice is not wanting her back. I still care about her her well being. I still LOVE her. To completely turn my back on her is just stupid, and that would be game playing.

 

And if we go by the rule of the original post. I don't talk to her everyday, (SPACE) I answer every now and then, and I'm caring, loving, even spend valentines day with her. Did it make me happy? NO, did it make her happy NO.

 

I know what the problems are. I can't fix them. Not that I don't want to. I just can't.

 

She had a miscarriage back in January of 2006. STill can't let it go. Whenever she sees me she thinks about that, and at nights she has dreams that she has a baby, and the baby keeps dying. Her friend is now pregnent, and she wished her ill will. She feels like she got a bad hand in life, Melanoma on top of that too. I can't fix this.

 

Then there's her father. I'm older then she is, and he feels that we are no good for eachother. but says I'm the best damn b/f she's ever had. She loves her daddy though, but this is a man that even tells her she's a looser because she can't find a job right now. SHe just finshed school. and wants to be a teacher. Who is hireing in the middle of a school year? way to go dad. and it's not like she doesn't work at all.

 

Then there's my son. I don't care about the miscarriage because I have a son already. this is far from the truth. I care, but I just don't hold on to it. also if we ever have kids I won't love them as much as I love my son. THis is also not true. But these are things we spoke about. and I have assured her time and time again on it.

 

With each and everyone of these problems and then some. (read back posts) I have been caring, loving, understanding. But I can't fix these issuse. The times I don't answer the phone is not that I'm playing a game. It's me protecting myself from the hurt. Believe me, it's not a game. All i can do right now is be there for her, until I can't anymore. Now, am I wrong?

[Guest]

SOunds like your situation is definatly not over to me. I think the cooler you are about it, the less pressure you put on her the better. You can take it further as things progress down the road. I would say something maybe like "Hey, been thinking about you lately.

 

Would you maybe have time for coffee this week?" Somthing simpe, pleasant, but not overbearing...and then just have fun like a first date, laugh et. and don't ask any questions for the next couple times you meet up. That would be my suggestion, hope it helps!

[Guest]

do you think if there was a period of begging and anger towards an ex all hope is lost? What if the ex is another relationship, I know mine still has feelings and does not rule out reconciliation but I think I may have ruined any chance of it. Can things be rekindled?

[MissDumperUlv2h8]

Now, am I wrong?

 

No, your not wrong. You've tried communication and it doesn't sound like your having simple fun dates that could progress back into a relationship so I would say it may not work out right now. You guys seem to have more issues going on then other people who are sticking to NC like a baby koala to it's mother. But I will say that your issues are more likely worked out communicating then to ignore her. If you don't want her back, cut it like you've done. That's not to say she doesn't have feeeeeelings for you.

[thecount]

I know she has feelings for me, or we wouldn't be trying to communicate. It's deeper then that. and it's something she has to fix. I have no control over this. and i don't think she has any control over it either. This is something that needs to be fixed. Even if we don't end up together, but herself.

 

This is why I say that every situation is different. Sometimes you have to do the n/c thing because of abuse. You still love the person. I dont' know why, but you just do. but you have to stop communicating with them because they WILL hurt you.

 

But don't do it for the sake of game playing. It's not fair to you or the other person, and you both loose in the end. You love someone. You make sure you tell them everyday, because when they're gone. you'll be left alone thinking If only I would have.... People are not toys you play with, especially when you love them.

[Shadowdog36]

Young--

 

I think you and I are arguing on the same side of this. I've never been a fan of cutting someone out of your life, entirely, for any reason, except for abusive (emotional or phisical) relationships. Am I wrong, or are you saying the same thing?

 

Count--

 

I should have taken the time to read your past posts. Maybe I would have understood where you were coming from. I'm sorry that you're in that type of disfunctional situation, and it sounds like you're the only stable thing in this woman's life.

 

Your original question was...

 

"do I have the right for N/C?"

 

and that's what I was answering. You always have that right, but it didn't sound like that's what you wanted. After reading your last post, I stand by what I said earlier. You don't want to cut her out of your life yet.

 

However, I would offer this piece of advice for you, as I'm sure it's been mentioned before. As the anchor for this girl, you've taken on the role, and responsibility as this girl's compass to some degree. When she calls soliciting advice from you, and you offer it, you're enabling her behavior and validating her state of mind. Tough love can be tough, and to me, it sounds like you need to establish some ground rules with her, first of which would be to seek grief counceling from a professional. Until that time, you should not be there for her anymore. And I say that not for you to heal, but for her to realize that she's not getting better, just avoiding the conflict that she needs to address in her mind.

 

As the product of an alcoholic father that ultimately killed himself when he drank too much one day, I can understand what avoiding the situation can do. If you stand around, waiting for the person in crisis to make the first move, yet constantly put band-aids on their emotional wounds, how can you ever expect them to get to the point where they realize they need help. You're enabling her behavior by being there for her and ultimately, not helping at all.

 

Now that has nothing to do with 'no contact' in the context of this argument in this thread. This is a separate issue, and like I said earlier, each of us has to be the gauge for our own situation.

 

I think you and I would agree, as I think you've stated before, that the OP has a lot of really valid points. Your situation is unique, complicated and sh*tty, but unique.

 

This has been my only point on here, and it seems like it was lost on so many people.

[Shadowdog36]

MissDumper...

 

Love the name! Welcome. Glad we can call you something other than 'guest'.

 

It's about time you got on here. I'm starting to get sick of defending you! :p

[climbergirl]

By ending your post with that little tidbit, you're letting us all know exactly the position you're coming from, and your advice is, therefore, suspect, clouded by your own experience

 

 

How is this suspect? I would think and hope that most advice given here is subjective. I trust that more than someone advising on something they know nothing about.

 

 

Missdumper-I think you may be misguided on how you bf feels about you. It is entirely possible that your break up and your lack of response to his intial shock killed any love he felt for you. To have benign and unemotional contact (for a length of time) with someone you are deeply in love with is unusual.

 

When someone you are in love with breaks up with you and you know they mean it, you do need to avoid them. Why? Because you cannot be just friends with someone you love. There are enough daily reminders w/o the physical/verbal contact.

 

With the exception of targeting your thread to the flip side, your post was all about you and how you feel and how he made you feel better by his actions and you won't make the first move, because you'd feel degraded...blah, blah, blah. Are his feelings even part of the equation?

 

I think what some people are in an uproar about concerning your thread has nothing to do with breaking up, or wanting space or even what he did in the interium that made you want him again.

 

It was because you sat back and allowed someone you supposedly loved to hurt and deal on their own..........for an ego boost. That you felt he had to prove something to you.

 

 

If you want him back I think a bit of eating crow is seriously in order. If you love this guy(and have doubts that you actually do)I think you need to prove something to him.

[panzer6]

Guys, come on! You should re-read her post. She dumped the guy for what she thought was a legitimate reason, there is no harm in that and she is well within her rights to do so. But after she realizes that she made a mistake she decides to take advantage of the situation and use it to test her ex. This seems manipulative to me and hurtful not to mention disrespectful to him. She seems to have narcissistic tendencies or maybe an overblown ego. Either way what she is doing is wrong. I have experienced this personally my self and I can tell you it isn't very pleasant. I have no need to avenge myself on my ex, she made her choices and now she has to live with it. I know for a fact she regrets how she treated me and she continues to contact me. I have no desire to get back with her. When we talk the conversation is light and happy. We don't talk about the relationship cuz it is over, done, finished. The woman who posted this thread needs to re-evaluate her intentions with this guy. If she honestly loves him and wants to be with him then playing head games is not the answer. It's like I said, be honest with each other and communicate. Pretty simple.

[ElDuderino]

MissDumperUlv2h8: Was wondering if you could reply to my post (post 55 in this thread)

[daphne]

I think this arugment is sick. Not just from you Daphne, but the argument in general. Don't toy with someone, it's unethical. Regardless of wheather or not you've have it done to you...how can you not feel guilty???

 

This is not "Human Nature" and this is under no circumstances natural behaviour. It's twisted and the person who plays out this puppetmaster fantasy should seek help.

 

You're reading something into my post that I didn't write. It's clear that you're on teh emotional side considering your language. I'm saying it's normal for people in relationships to test each other. I see it on the boards, I've had it happen to me. I have done it before. And again, if you'll read what I wrote, it was generally to see where I stood with the person. Two of my exes did this to me. I didn't like it, but the emotions are no longer there so I see it for what it is. Only one did it intentionally to hurt me and I think he's a low life. The other did it for insecurity reasons.

[daphne]

Daph-

 

Maybe I'm hung on your choice of words, but, I really hope that I'm reading it wrong when you make a statement like "the person who is in control of their emotions".

 

I thought that was me? Maybe that's why I don't understand where so many people are coming from on here.

 

I wasn't making a reference to you being out of or in control. I was speaking very generally and including myself. I have had breakups where I was completely out of control with my emotions. I think a lot of people on teh board feel that way and that's why we need support. But when a person that presents themself as a in control and the adversary, it can be difficult to not take it out on the person.

 

I agree, I think if you keep your eyes wide open, you learn more truths than by closing them and hitting your way out. We all want to get more of what we want out of relationships and people, and being a bit more objective can give us more tools.

[MissDumperUlv2h8]

My posts take at least a day to show up for some reason!!

[MissDumperUlv2h8]

Yes, I've noticed and appreciated