Advise from a Dumper....

[MissDumperUlv2h8]

"To have benign and unemotional contact (for a length of time) with someone you are deeply in love with is unusual."

 

Miss Climber Girl, isn't this what NC is??

 

Oh and by the way, I'm getting more and more used to the taste of crow lately but I doubt I'll ever be able to make a meal of it!

[MissDumperUlv2h8]

Mr. Duderino, Darling I did, it should show up tomorrow. still figuring out how this all works on here. My posting technique is worse than my no paragraph technique!! It's under the Guest name, so I think that's why it takes longer.

[climbergirl]

"To have benign and unemotional contact (for a length of time) with someone you are deeply in love with is unusual."

 

Miss Climber Girl, isn't this what NC is??

 

Nah, it's still contact.

 

Oh and by the way, I'm getting more and more used to the taste of crow lately but I doubt I'll ever be able to make a meal of it!

 

 

Well, I'll say this......you have a good sense of humor.

[Shadowdog36]

Climber --

 

You can't possibly assume that a licensed therapist has personally experienced everything that they dole out advice on?

 

My point was that an emotional response isn't necessarily the best position or the best advice to be following.

 

Daph--

 

I understood your meaning.

 

All I was saying is that the moment you say that someone else is pulling the strings with regard to your own emotions, you've given them the power to destroy you. Your comment sounded like that's what you were implying about how you felt, and in my economy of words (since I'm a horrible typist) we may have misunderstood each other.

[thecount]

Shadowdog -- I don't want to cut her out of my life right now. I think she can fix herself with the right help. She went to therapy, but the therapist ended up not to be a real good one. He told her one day that he wasn't feeling well, and couldn't see her because he had a fungus in a sensitive area. This freaked her out, as it will anyone else. But I did tell her tonight that if she doesn't call someone, I will. She was taking back a little, but understood my point. She even spent the night with me last night, and was having the same nightmares. She also went on to say that she's been having these nightmares on nights when she doesn't speak to me either.

 

As far as the argument of the OP. It's all up to the circumstance, Thats all I'm saying. Some people know how to put their feelings aside, and speak with their ex, some have a hard time so they need to go the n/c thing. because the dumper just doesn't want the dumpee in a romantic part of their lives, but they want them there for "friendship". (not fair)

 

And I still feel that missdumper is wrong on how she's handle her ex. IF you want him go get him, and tell him what he means to you. YOU left him, You hurt him, YOU fix it.

[dumpedgary]

Just a quick note to the OP - THANK YOU for your original post. After a 10 year relationship my GF informed me that she'll be moving on (this was around the first of this year)... SINCE then, I've been doing every single one of the WRONG THINGS mentioned in the original post.

 

When I read the OP it could have been her writing it.. she's told me the same things over & over. So far I've ruined almost every opportunity to just "BE" around her by getting mad, pleading, cornering, etc... when in fact she TOLD ME what to do!!

 

SHE WAS TELLING ME HOW TO DO THE ONLY THING THAT MIGHT EVER WIN HER BACK.. AND I HAVEN'T LISTENED

 

When this first all came about.. she "wasn't sure" about our future - just needed "SPACE".. let me tell you - after my obsessively trying to fix it, she say she's sure now.

 

My only tiny hope is the fact that we still live together (separate everything tho).. and not for long - she plans on moving at the end of the school year (with her 13yo son that I love like my own)

 

I read the OP every morning since finding it.. (a few days ago) - It has ALREADY helped- but not like you think. Like most of the dumped on here, I'm still OVER-ANXIOUSLY trying to look to see "is it working yet?" -- BUT HERE'S THE KEY.. that's NOT HOW IT WORKS.

 

Hopefully over the next few months things may change, but IF NOT we should be able to walk away friends rather than pyschotic stalker/stalkee

 

She's given me 10 years of opportunity to do the right thing (I squandered them).. the LEAST I can do now is to LISTEN to what she's asking for. ..and the OP got it JUST RIGHT.

 

Thanks again.

[CaliGuy]

Yes, I am a dumper. I check out these boards every now and then because I find them interesting. I finally decided to add my 2 cents in case it helps shine some light on any of your situations. Now I understand many of you will not agree, want to argue, think I'm dead wrong but I wanted to at least give some of you the perspective of a dumper who now wants the dumpee back.

 

I "dumped" my lovely boyfriend in Dec. He begged and pleaded a bit, I did not respond as many of your dumpers do not do to you. The REASON I did not respond was, to be very honest, an ego boost to see how far he would go for me and I guess part of me wanted to see how far he would bend (I know it's sick but I wasn't doing it to be mean but to test how much he really did love me), AND I did very much have feelings for him, I just needed away. I also did not respond because I was confused, unsure of how I felt about the relationship, and just needed some space, sometimes we don't even know why! I didn't dispise him or turn my feelings off, even tho it probably looked that way to him as it does to many of you in your situations. If he would have cut me off, did the whole NC thing, I may have freaked out for a week or so, then started to feel he was playing a game, as we are ALL aware of this NC idea, and it probably would have p*ssed me off and I would have started hating him, felt he was trying to manipulate me and not wanting him back. He did something that really turned everything around. He got very busy, was always polite and courteous to me but never asked for anything in return emotionally and started to seem ok with us being separated. If he would have cut me off I think he would have looked psycho and like he was so into me he couldn't even deal with it, which would have been a turn off. His seeming to be ok with everything gave me the feeling of breathing room and like there was no pressure and I was free to begin to enjoy the idea of his company again. Everytime I wrote him, (which was not often and usually benign) he never waited to write, he always wrote right away, politley, to the point and never asking or needing anything ESPECIALLY anything emotional which was a huge weight off my shoulders and I started to feel less pressure and more like I wasn't as unhappy as I thought.

 

AS THE DUMPER, I began to see the good things about him and I was suprised that he was much more confident than I thought. That was a turn on and I began to feel I was wrong in dumping him. THis took about 3 months. Now here is the important part. I decided a few weeks ago he was the one for me, and I want him more than anything but I AM NOT GOING TO CHASE HIM. So many of you are waiting for your ex to come back, say some scripted lines that you've written in your head for them, and PROVE their love. First of all, we have no idea what your scripted lines are that you want us to say. Second of all, we have pride too and wanting us to beg, plead et. is a very risky thing to ask of us, especially since 99% of relationships are not the fault of only one person, even though you feel it was our fault because you were dumped. No matter how much I love someone, there are certain things I would rather die before doing or saying. I suggest if you still love your dumper, you realize that sometimes it is hard for us to come back as well and your angry "you have to earn me back" attitude may make the situation too difficult for us to be able to come back. If you want us back and can help us save face, we will appreciate it. Also, sometimes many of you are missing your dumper trying to come back. I've read so many posts where some guy will say my ex wrote such and such, does she want me back? And to me it's soooo obvious that she is trying to open the door and still keep her dignity and everyone on this board responds to the poor guy by saying "heck no! Keep NC! Don't talk to her, don't see her, rip up her pictures, delete her from your computer, phone, IM et..." Geez! who wants someone who acts like that??!! That's really harsh!! In fact, they should have happily married people with no issues come on this board and give advise and I bet it would be much different than a bunch of people going through similar feelings or breakup anger giving each other advise, don't mean to offend btw.

 

Now I'm not advocating act like a fool and bend over backwards to get someone. Do not chase at all, if you can, just BE. Like the Beatles haha, just Let It Be. All I'm saying is that in my opinion, being kind, not chasing and cornering, but having boundaries, focusing on your own life, relaxing and just being cool about things and really letting go and not expecting/demanding so much from the other person is really where its at. What if you were to send out love never expecting anything from the other person in return? So much of what we want and demand, it seems, is emotional stuff from the other person because WE are needy, clingy, insecure et. but thats about US, not the other person. WHat if everyone just relaxed, had the experience of their feelings, but let go of any reciprocity from the other person? I know it's hard but so is NC right? Also, when we don't need and demand things from other people, it's so much easier to give those things. WHen my ex doesn't demend my attention and my love, than I am free to give it. I guess what I'm ultimatly saying is that it's all about fixing yourself, getting yourself independant, not about us dumpers. Many times we were mearly escaping needs from you we could not meet and are running away from them, sometimes in ways of cheating, sometimes in ways of needing space. Be kind, give us that space. You love us right? If you show your love by giving us our space and freedom, we then have the freedom to return it to you. Everytime you want to react in a negative way to your dumper, ie. ignoring them, pointing out faults, trying to trap or guilt them into certain feelings et. go do something nice for yourself, do something fun that gets your endorphins going and don't put the negative actions out there. If we are not with you, you have no right to demand things of us anyway but if you are kind, and busy, and have your own life and are not asking for so much, your a nice place to want to return . And when you turn the tables on us, we will hopefully have kindness and dignity ourselves.

 

 

So....let me see if I have this straight.

 

You played a game with him, pushing him away and he kept a mature, positive outlook on it.

 

But had he gone NC with you, which is what he should have done, you would have gotten angry with him and accused him of playing games?

 

Sounds slightly hypocritical to me.

[juk]

How anyone who's been dumped who absolutely loves the dumper with all their heart and soul can just casualy walk away and get on with things without looking needy, begging, pleading etc is beyond me.

 

You know to put someone through hell just to watch how they conduct themselves is just sick. My wife played me for months after the split, it was just an ego boost thing. She was getting off on it and i fell for it hook line and sinker. Begging, pleading being available whenever she contacted me.

 

Looking back now i CRINGE WITH EMBARRASSMENT how i carried on. What the hell was i doing? almost on my knees beside her like some needy nut case as she strutted along like a peacock in full bloom.

 

To play games and enjoy watching someone in agony just to feed your own ego is nothing but cruel. I would rather spend 2 years in jail then 1 year feeling like you do when your dumped by someone you adore and they have treated you like crap for know other reason then to make themsleves feel good.

 

The saying what goes around comes around springs to mind.

[panzer6]

I have said the same thing since I read this thread. Her behaviour is cruel, disrespectful and ignorant. She needs help!

[Shadowdog36]

OK, last time I'm going to post on this thread, because it's obvious that people on here just want to read what they want to, without regard to what's actually being said.

 

Two points that I want to make:

 

First, what she said about wanting to test him was a PART of the reason why she STOPPED CONTACTING HIM, not why she broke up with him. I can't believe that This fact STILL needs to be spelled out. Can anyone on here read???

 

Why is it when I chase a woman, I pushed too hard, and she's within her right to walk away or withdraw from me and not contact me, but when this person does it, suddenly she's playing games with this guy, is unjustified, cruel, sick, demented, and everything else that she's been called on here??? WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE??? The reason that she gave?? That was, as I said, and as SHE said, one of MANY reasons why she didn't want to respond to him.

 

So many people on here told me that I was wrong, that I shouldn't have pushed so hard, that I should have walked away, and that I messed this up, and I should respect her wishes and leave her alone. Yet, here I sit, reading what could have been the girl that broke off contact with me, giving her side of this, and suddenly now she's wrong too?? Which is it?? Which one of us is the victim? Which one is justified?

 

 

 

The other thing I read on here is that she's playing it cool in trying to get back with him, and she's somehow wrong for that too. I just read about someone that wishes they could take back how they acted with their ex, and here we are, yelling at this girl for not being an irrational fool, chasing him.

 

I wonder how many people are on here to actually learn something about themselves and relationships in general, and how many people are here to cry about their situation and wonder why they got dumped, never once considering that they may have had a hand in it.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Until some of us learn that perhaps we're the ones that are responsible for our situation, at least partially, then we're not only doomed to repeat this over and over, but I suspect that your 'growth' that you claim 'no contact' provides is nothing more than a short term solution.

 

How many times have I read on here about someone still having problems months later? Where's their healing and growth? It's all about respect, especially for yourself. And blindly walking away without casting a critical eye at yourself to see if you were part of the problem is not respectful to yourself, and your personal growth. We're all entitled to that much self-respect, including the original poster.

 

So many people made this about her reasons, ignoring the intent of the post in the first place. That bothers me that so many people on here would be that superficial and could not find the deeper meaning. I won't post on this thread again. I give up.

 

Break out your torches. You may burn her at the stake now.

[climbergirl]

First, what she said about wanting to test him was a PART of the reason why she STOPPED CONTACTING HIM, not why she broke up with him. I can't believe that This fact STILL needs to be spelled out. Can anyone on here read???

 

I'm not sure why you're so upset with the opinions stated here.

 

You need to reread the posts that were in response to the OP.

 

I think most of us have been clear that we have differentiated that the reasons for the break up and the subsequent testing after the fact are two separate components.

 

Testing is never a good idea.

 

It just creates a vicious cycle.

[MissDumperUlv2h8]

Here here Shadowdog! It's like writing the sky is blue and everyone is mad at you for saying it's red. Besides, I was only doing it to say my side of the story to show people sometimes things arn't always what they seem and to let them know that sometimes there is hope and they may be missing the signs. Instead I've been diagnosed as someone close to Ted Bundy. I guess people arn't allowed to change there minds about people after the fact even though that's what everyone on here wants their ex to do!

 

It's cool though. I still won't go begging him back, I will maintain my dignity and keep eatin that crow bite for bite like a good girl!

[dropdeadlegs]

Something I wish I had learned long ago is that if I have to wonder, or test, how much someone loves me, I am obviously with the wrong person. If I'm not getting that "ego boost" on a regular basis, it's time to move on to another who will gladly feed that part of my "ego." I have wondered many times and those relationships were dead long before I could admit it.

 

If I dump, there is nothing that will bring me back. I think long and hard before broaching the words "break up" or "space."

 

I have been known to beat a dead horse in an attempt to revive it, but if it takes all the "work" people talk about to remain in a relationship, well, I'm just not willing to work that hard anymore. There is someone more compatible for me out there if work is involved. Trust? Respect? Honesty? Forgiveness? Compromise? Communication? Yep, those are necessary, but "work?" I can't buy that anymore. A good relationship is actually easy, once you find the right partner.

[Ormolu611]

So Miss Dumper, tell me . . . you talked about how you responded to your ex's behavior, but how did this come to be? After you broke up with him, did you continue to contact him or did he maintain contact with you? In other words, which of the two of you made the contact so that you could intereact with your ex and observe his behavior?

 

I am about three weeks out after my ex dumped me with no contact. We have never gone this long in 9 years without talking or seeing each other. She is 31 and I am 33. We have been working on our relationship for about a year starting when she moved out and got her own place in February of 2006. She is enrolled in a bachelor's degree program at a local university and so is very busy getting her 2nd bachelor's. We usually see each other two or three nights a week and on the weekends. She broke up with me cleanly in September of 06, but I took the whole approach of telling her how much I loved her and how I thought that she was probably making a mistake and that we could work out the issues. (primary issues being that she has the perception that i do not provide her with enough emotional support and encouragement as she has a lot of self doubt sometimes, and the other aspect that she feels that I make too many life decisions for her - such as where we live, etc.) We met after 1.5 weeks and it was like electricity for both of us as we are so comfortable together. At any rate, she decided to give it another go.

 

However, the situation of limbo had not changed because I do not feel that we have had the opportunity to work on anything because she is still so busy with school. Who has time for counseling or relationship work when she is going to school and working and leaving home at 7:30 in the morning and getting home at 8:30 at night 5 days a week? She spends her weekends just trying to catch up (homework, laundry, errands, cleaning, etc.) I was trying to just maintain and to hold on until May when she graduates. Well, she dumped me again about three weeks ago and we have not spoken since. It is my idea that she is simply tired of being in limbo, as am I. Time continues to march forward.

 

She told me 3 weeks ago that she felt smothered and this is probably resentment for feeling that I stopped her before when she tried to obtain some peace from the state of limbo that we were in. I just dragged her back in. She feels obligated to spend time with me and that frustrates her because I represent unresolved issues that stress her out. I do feel that she still cares for me and loves me, however.

 

Well, Ms. Dumper, I really though about your post and am rethinking no contact. Any advice? I would definitely not ask her back or put any kind of pressure on her as that is exactly what she is trying to get away from. A call would be too much for the same reason. Maybe a simple text message stating that I hope she is doing okay . . . period - asking nothing in return. The first time we broke up, I called her after a few days and she answered immediately and sounded genuinely happy to hear from me. I really want to give her space but like you said, in my no contact, I do not want to give her the impression that I cannot handle that she has left and that I am furious or trying to be manipulative. As you said, I want to put my love out there with no expectation for anything in return. Somehow, the thought of putting it out there makes me feel better, even if I send a text msg and do not receive a response. Any thoughts?

[Guest]

I actually think that what the dumper is saying is correct, in a sense....

and applaud her honesty..... however I dont see the need to play it cool.

Either you want to be with someone or you dont - and thats the plain and simple matter.....

[thecount]

Ormolu, Can you really put your love out there without any expectations? You love her, you have the expectation that you will give her space, and in return she will come back. thats what you're expecting. You have to be honest with yourself here.

 

It's hard to give yourself to someone you love, and expect nothing back. It's not fulfilling to you, and its not realistic.

[Ormolu611]

Count, I understand what you are saying. I do not have the expectation that she that she will come back after giving her space, I really do not know what she is thinking and I try not to pretend that I do and fool myself. The truth is, and I realize this - I really have no idea if she will ever want to come back, but I do have the hope. There is a difference I think.

 

"Putting my love out there" without expectation is sort of a defense mechanism for me just in case I never hear from her again. If I decide to do this, I want to think long and hard first and get as comfortable as possible with the idea that she simply may not respond in any way. I need to accept the idea that she very well may be gone forever before I decide to act, to avoid dissapointment. I am lowering my expectations purposefully in other words. But, like I said, I do hope - I just do not want to get my hopes up too high.

 

For me, it is kind of like putting faith in her to do some soul searching and to let her determine what she needs to make her happy - even if that means leaving for good. Oh, its hard . . . I won't lie . . . but it needs to be her decision at this point. My goal is to send her a subtle signal that I am okay with her decision, not furious, not crushed, so that she can make whatever decision she chooses without any pressure from me.

 

It is interesting, I have been trying no contact so that I could avoid any perceived interference or manipulation which she clearly resents from the first break up. Now this forum and a friend of mine suggest that the no contact may very well be perceived as being manipulative itself. I still intend to maintain no contact outside of a simple text message stating something to the fact that I respect her decison and that I hope she is taking care of herself . . . then "poof" I drop off the face of the earth again.

 

All of this is soooo confusing and painful! Thanks Count for your thoughts.

[Kamille]

To the guys on here hoping for a second chance...

 

With all due respect for the love that you feel for your exes and for the legitimacy of their confusion, you do realise that their uncertainty is incredibly unfair to you right?

 

If you weren't men, you would have the pop psychology crowd on here brandishing their 'not into you' bibles. Just to be clear, the advice goes: you are person worthy of love who shouldn't be wasting their time waiting for scraps from anyone, not even that wonderful person you just had a wonderful connection with.

 

Omu, you actually made me realize why I am unconfortable with MissDumper's stance. A lot of the things she said do make sense - I for one believe LC can sometimes be the appropriate route. But right now my coworker is the dumper in a situation much like yours. And the fact is that right now, nothing her ex could do would convince her he's the one for her, but she has a hard time closing that door because she's afraid of being alone. So she is stringing him along.

 

His availability is the biggest problem. She knows she can get him back with the snap of a finger ant that scares her and reassures her at the same time.

 

I suspect that MissDumper is now interested in her ex again not because he managed to make her believe that he moved on, or that he is not that clingy, but because he focused on truly moving on.

 

It always boils down to: you have to take care of yourself first. And your ex needs to figure out what is up with her. On her own. Like you said.

 

The best thing the guy could do for himself is move on, no matter what level of contact.

[marlena]

Ormolu, Can you really put your love out there without any expectations? You love her, you have the expectation that you will give her space, and in return she will come back. thats what you're expecting. You have to be honest with yourself here.

 

It's hard to give yourself to someone you love, and expect nothing back. It's not fulfilling to you, and its not realistic.

 

 

I so agree with this...for ultimately love is self - seeking. That said, it is equally true that love rejoices even more in giving. Mature love is about giving and partaking of fulfillment and gratification on all levels...it is as much a primal need as is food and water ... it is a two way process ..never a one sided effort..

[marlena]

Just to add that if it is a one sided effort ultimately and inevitably it will lead to resentment and eventually demise..

[marlena]

Something I wish I had learned long ago is that if I have to wonder, or test, how much someone loves me, I am obviously with the wrong person. If I'm not getting that "ego boost" on a regular basis, it's time to move on to another who will gladly feed that part of my "ego." I have wondered many times and those relationships were dead long before I could admit it.

 

If I dump, there is nothing that will bring me back. I think long and hard before broaching the words "break up" or "space."

 

I have been known to beat a dead horse in an attempt to revive it, but if it takes all the "work" people talk about to remain in a relationship, well, I'm just not willing to work that hard anymore. There is someone more compatible for me out there if work is involved. Trust? Respect? Honesty? Forgiveness? Compromise? Communication? Yep, those are necessary, but "work?" I can't buy that anymore. A good relationship is actually easy, once you find the right partner.

 

Ditto DDLegs on everything you have said!! Ego strokes are a part of a healthy, ongoing relationship while of course the relationship is still on the works...it's all about reassuring the person you are with that they mean the world to you ..that they are loved and appreciated ..... and vice versa of course.... it is a match made in heaven and one we always search the skies for...anything less, well, isn't mature love .

[Yernasia Quorelios]

"The rejecter may become fearful of retaliation for the damage done. It can be a tumultuous time of unexpected swings between joy and anger."

 

Grace Gabe - Psychology Today Article

 

Worth a read for all those trying to understand what's going on in a potential reunion situation. While this deals with a 30 year gap before reunion, I believe the basic principles apply in any situation involving true love and breakups regardless of when the breakup occurred.

[MissDumperUlv2h8]

Yes, I think if it makes you feel better to put the love out there without the need for it to be returned to you, I think it makes you look stronger and more confidant! SOmetimes it takes more than once though and time in between...

[Shadowdog36]

MissDumper, if you get a chance, I'd love to have some one on one with you to discuss my 'situation'. If you can, post something on my thread 'How do I take back what happened?' and let me know if we can talk some time. I really appreciate your views on things, and I'd love to get your opinions.

[Salicious Crumb]

Guys, come on! You should re-read her post. She dumped the guy for what she thought was a legitimate reason, there is no harm in that and she is well within her rights to do so.

 

Legitimate reason? That is debatable. Her reason was that, although she had feelings for him and loved him, she just wanted "away"...in other words, she just wanted to to break up for the hell of it.

 

You are correct, she is perfectly within her right to dump him no matter what the reason...but that doesn't mitigate the fact that she is a cruel wench that likes to play head games with people that have feelings and deserve respect. She said, and I quote:

 

"I "dumped" my lovely boyfriend in Dec. He begged and pleaded a bit, I did not respond as many of your dumpers do not do to you. The REASON I did not respond was, to be very honest, an ego boost to see how far he would go for me and I guess part of me wanted to see how far he would bend"

 

If she wants to dump him fine, but I disagree with you saying there i no harm in what she did...she is playing with his feelings and emotions. I hope she gets what she deserves and this guy tells her to take a long walk off a short pier.

 

But after she realizes that she made a mistake she decides to take advantage of the situation and use it to test her ex. This seems manipulative to me and hurtful not to mention disrespectful to him.

 

BINGO!!!

 

She seems to have narcissistic tendencies or maybe an overblown ego.

 

What comes around goes around...she'll get what she deserves in the end.