blueberry1 Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Hi, I'm new here. I just want some advice on how to cope with being in love with the boss. I know, it is an age old problem. We get along like a house on fire, and I have never felt this way before. Unfortunately, we are both married, in so-so situations. We are both the types not to have an affair, which of course would in the long run cause pain to all. But it doesn't take away the pain I feel every day when I see him or think about him, despite doing the right thing. There is no question of moving to another job at the moment. How do people cope with this? I have never written to a forum about this before, and I just needed someone to talk to. I also don't want to give too much information here in case I get found out! Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 Is this for sure a mutual feeling between the two of you, or is it just you so far as you know? This is hard because I can't tell you to go for it, being married and all. What are the so-so situations you spoke of? Are they good or bad marriages? If one (or both) of you is in a bad marriage, its more likely that one of you will give in eventually. If you both claim to be happy with your spouse, maybe someone ISNT as happy as they thought, which means they need to evaluate their relationship with their spouse. The problem there is, you see your boss often, making it difficult to do the evaluation without comparing to the person you are in love with. Does this make sense? If you can't quit your job, you are in a situation where you might be feeling closer to your boss than you are to your spouse. If only you could remove yourself from the situation, allowing time and space between you two. There are such things as emotional affairs. Even if there is no intimacy, you are in love, so an affair has basically already begun. It's just not too late to stop it at this point. It would be ok to suppress it completely right now, and forget about it. If you are not able to do that, this will go even further in some way shape or form, and it will get to the point where you feel very guilty and maybe feel that your spouse should know. Does that give you chills or what? Would you risk divorcing your spouse for your boss? A close friend of mine had an affair because her husband was not making her happy. During separation, her husband found out about the affair. But later he begged her to come back home. She did, swears she would NEVER do it again, and they seem happier than ever.(married 10 yrs). Also remember it IS possible for marriages to conquer some of the worst conflicts, and only be stronger later. I've seen a few times...but not many... Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry1 Posted March 15, 2007 Author Share Posted March 15, 2007 Hi Lovelace, Thank-you for your reply. It was helpful just to write down my situation and get some feedback. I'm not completely sure if he feels as strongly as I do, because he is such a charmer with people in general. He has told me he loves me on several occasions, even in front of others, which makes it seem casual. But he also told me privately if we were both free he'd be after me in a shot, and I said the same. He even e-mailed me with a suggestion to have an affair, but I think it was a joke and replied with a funny reply. My husband and others know how much I adore my boss and joke about it, but they don't realize how far I've fallen. I really believe that a person can love their husband or wife and still have those feelings for another person (or several people!) throughout the years. The test is what one does with those feelings! I've always been so judgmental of people who fail that test and now I find myself in the same vulnerable position. This sounds silly, but I'm hoping he does feel the same way about me as I do about him, because for some reason it would make me feel better, and not so pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 It's fairly easy to fall in love with someone with power and authority. It happens all the time. While it's all so exciting right now, indulging in a fantasy with a real life person, keep in mind that if for any reason you indulge and it doesn't work out, you have a very bad situation on your hands. Might as well get another job. I hope neither of you have children because you're currently considering on messing with not only your spouses' lives but your childrens' lives. Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 We get along like a house on fire, and I have never felt this way before. two people inside a house on fire will eventually get burned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry1 Posted March 15, 2007 Author Share Posted March 15, 2007 I appreciate the good advice and like I mentioned in my original posting, I would never consider an affair and I don't think he would either. (which makes him seem all the more appealing of course!). Yes, being attracted to someone in authority can be a turnon, but that is a very small part of my attraction to him, and sounds dismissive of my deep feelings for him. I just needed a place vent and get things off my chest, and this seems like a good anonymous place to do that. I'm just saying that feelings can't always be controlled but actions can. And that it takes alot of inner strength to resist actions, and it helps to share that battle with others. And that there is pain in not succumbing to temptation, just as there is pain resulting from an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 It was definitely not intended to dismiss your deeper feelings. More like a bucket of ice water splashed over a small spark. Your emotions are deep but you have the power to control your desire and also to stop it from getting worse, whether it's emotionally worse or to the point where you physically act on it. For your own sanity, read some of the OW/OM forum threads about people who have acted upon their desire. Consider the consequences and it may help to quash any further developments, whether these developments are internal or end up becoming externalized. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry1 Posted March 16, 2007 Author Share Posted March 16, 2007 gone to that forum you mentioned, Trialbyfire, thanks for the reply though! One thing I didn't mention, is that his wife and I are friends to a certain extent. It does help keep things in perspective, although I am terribly jealous of her. At any rate, like I mentioned before, a person cannot help who they fall in love with, and just stop those feelings, but I wouldn't do anything about them because I have a conscience and am a moral person. Even so, I don't see anything "wrong" about feeling love for another person other than one's spouse because I don't believe there is necessarily one person we are bound to feel love for in all the years we are on earth! Don't get the wrong idea though, it doesn't mean just drop your spouse for another at the drop of a hat! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry1 Posted March 19, 2007 Author Share Posted March 19, 2007 I have read over alot of the postings here to try and get some perspective on my in love with the boss thing. I have no doubt that I am deeply in love with him and have been for a very long time, but since we are both married, I now realize the futility in taking things further. Fortunately, he has been through a divorce before and is not the type to jeopardize his most recent marriage, and neither am I. It is just too complicated with all of the children between us, etc. Of course, it just makes me love him all the more knowing he has morals. I choose to stay at my present job as his righthand woman in the office, rather than give him up completely. Also, this is a small town and there are not that many alternative jobs. I am where I am supposed to be. I would rather be his friend than nothing at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry1 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 Here I had everything all logically figured out, and get my feelings for my boss under control, and my feelings for him crash in on me again like a big wave. He has alot of financial woes and he is being more reserved with me than usual with hurts me to the core. It's ok when he is coming on all attentive with me, but this holding back bit hurts alot. I know he has big problems personally, and his business is shaky, so this affects things. However, I never want to stop working with him if the business survives. The alternative of not being near him would be worse. Besides that, I excel at this particular field of work and there are no other job options in this area. Anyway, just venting here, please don't be too judgmental, so many people are. Link to post Share on other sites
empty906 Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 You still watching this thread, blueberry? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry1 Posted March 30, 2007 Author Share Posted March 30, 2007 I check in once in awhile, but I mainly post at the work relationships forum on Uplooker's continuing posting, as it is so similar to mine. Link to post Share on other sites
empty906 Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 I was wanting to check on your progress with your boss and the different situations you have going on there without hijacking uplooker's thread. So...anything change this week at work? Anything better or worse than it was before? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 Thank goodness, I have never been afflicted by this age-old problem! Honestly, the only real solutions I see are: 1) Deal with it one way or another, or 2) Get a new job. I understand that you don't feel you can change jobs. That's a choice you're making. It's probably a fair degree of hardship to change jobs, but it is possible. The best way I can think of to deal with it is to focus on an area where you have a lot more control and less risk - your own home life. You might be able to turn "so-so" into "happily married". It's at least worth a few sincere experiments based on His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, or some such. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry1 Posted March 30, 2007 Author Share Posted March 30, 2007 for your interest, empty906 and solemate. Things are going ok for me at the moment. Right now there is so much going on at work with the business itself that it takes precedence over my feelings for the boss. I am happy just to be around him and be his right hand woman at times like this, so it isn't always just "longing and desire" lol. Sometimes things are good, sometimes not, but I'm ok this week. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
uplooker80 Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Just wanted to let you know I appreciate your support on my thread, and I have been following your thread as well, and send you best wishes. Obviously, I can't give you any advice . I know you have cautioned me to avoid the friends route because you are there and it didn't help you, but I felt like I was painted into a corner with no way out unless I pushed my relationship with her into something more open, if that is the correct word. The two of us get along very well. She does like me. Contrary to how some have described me in my thread, I am not a stalker, rapist, devil worshipper, etc. (Don't flame me here, I know I'm exaggerating.....a little). I don't have a shrine for her in my basement. I just wasn't willing to dismiss a potential friendship with her because of this condition I have, because she truly is special even without my limerent glasses on. Sorry for the hijack, I feel your pain. While our situations are similar, they are also different. The two of you have actually discussed the situation, albeit as a joke, (even though I would be willing to bet that the thought crossed his mind to make it more than a joke). In my case, her marriage is strong, and so is mine, (contrary to popular belief). I don't think that it is even remotely possible for us to have an affair, but with you, as you describe your situation, it does look possible to a certain extent. In that respect, you probably have even more of a challenge than I do. Best of luck, and I will be following your situation if you continue to post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry1 Posted April 1, 2007 Author Share Posted April 1, 2007 thanks Uplooker80 for your support. Who knew that your posting at the other forum would create such a firestorm, lol! So many responses and views of it. Re. my situation, yes it is different from yours, although somewhat similar. I have to say that I would not go through with having an affair with my boss, because it is just not me to do that, and I get the feeling he has similar morals. And my husband knows me well enough and trusts me enough not to do anything like that. He knows I really like my boss and we joke about it, but he doesn't know the extent of my feelings for the boss. Our marriage is fine, but I have never felt this much in love with anyone before and it is over a year now. It is hard to deal with sometimes, but like I said before, I can't imagine the alternative of not being around my boss. How is the situation with your co-worker? Let us know if you actually all get together in a family group, and how that works out!!! I can't get into too much detail about my situation, because this is a small town and I'm worried someone may read and recognize my posting. Link to post Share on other sites
uplooker80 Posted April 1, 2007 Share Posted April 1, 2007 Blueberry, again best wishes from me. I'm pretty much done with my thread, it has become an infidelity discussion. I don't know for sure if you understand where I am coming from, but I think you do. If we had PM's available I would like to keep in touch for emotional support. But I don't yet and I doubt that you have either. When you say that you want your boss in your life, I know exactly what you mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry1 Posted April 1, 2007 Author Share Posted April 1, 2007 Yes, that is too bad re. your posting! I don't know how these private message things work, but if so, yes, I would like to keep updated as to your situation via PM's. If not, just post here, else I'll be wondering what happened in your situation! You mentioned being middle-aged, me too, maybe this is just a midlife crisis, but somehow I don't think so! Link to post Share on other sites
uplooker80 Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 How's it going Blueberry? I wish I could contact you directly, (anonymously through e-mail), to let you know how things are going and check up on you, but I don't think it's permissible to post email addresses here. I don't want to publicly announce what going on with my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
uplooker80 Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 Blueberry, let me know your e-mail, (only if you want to). Send it to [email protected] Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 neither of you will have PM available until you have 100 posts, I think. However, subscription to LS gives PM capability. One month is only $2.50 and it can be paid thru paypal if you have a paypal account and would prefer LS not to appear on your credit card statement. Of course longer subscriptions are available, but one month would get you PM's = email access to one another. Sometimes peace of mind and sharing with someone who understands is worth a few bucks. Uplooker, I'm sorry that your thread got so "weird" and has made you uncomfortable to the point you don't wish to post any longer. It's not fair to assume that attraction always turns to an affair, and I honestly learned quite a bit about self restraint and limerence. Thank you for those lessons. blueberry, I also believe that it is possible to love more than one person in life and yet remain faithful to one. I haven't experienced it, but I haven't experienced a lot of things that I believe in. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 I see you two have it under control! Forget what I said! Best wishes to you both! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry1 Posted April 20, 2007 Author Share Posted April 20, 2007 for the best wishes, you two. Will do, Uplooker80. Signing out. Link to post Share on other sites
CrossRhodes Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 neither of you will have PM available until you have 100 posts, I think. Just for the record (in case anyone searches for information about Private Messages), you have to pass 2 thresholds to get PM ability: 1. 50 posts 2. 3 months membership On the 51st or 52nd post, PM becomes available. blueberry, I also believe that it is possible to love more than one person in life and yet remain faithful to one. I haven't experienced it, but I haven't experienced a lot of things that I believe in. Someone told me this in a blog last year, and it was one of the most strangely comforting things I ever heard. Well put, DDL Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts