Bad news about gf/ex, facing a dilemma on how to act

[mental_traveller]

I recently kind of broke off with my girlfriend (I say "kind of", because it wasn't absolutely 100% sure there was no way back - we agreed to break off in the heat of an argument, and were then kind of "stewing" over it in recent weeks), after some long-term issues in the relationship came to a head and resulted in some heated disagreements. It was mainly over differences in where we'd be heading, caused by distance factors (she's quite far away) and where we both saw each other heading in the future (things like where to live, where our work might take us and so on). We kind of split up by mutual agreement, although it was not absolutely 100% final, it was done more in the heat of the moment.

 

Anyway, this was about 3 weeks ago, and during that time I had fairly limited contact - I said I needed some time to think and then I'd explain how I felt about things. We exchanged a couple of emails and were fairly civil. During that time I just relaxed, hung out with friends, and generally just wanted to take my mind of things and have a good, simple, unstressful time. I hate drama in any relationship and it had just gotten too much with the recent arguments. Once I looked at things after a couple of weeks of this, I realised that a combination of differences on certain key values & outlook on life, combined with the difficulty of distance, and certain factors making it difficult/unlikely to be close together in the immediate future, meant that I just didn't feel I wanted to continue with this relationship. My view was that she was a really nice girl, and we 80% got along and had a great time, but there was that 20% missing or problematic. I still had feelings for her of course, but what is enough to sustain an initial relationship, is not always enough to sustain becoming more serious, and certainly not enough by itself to then make sense for things like moving together, changing your life direction or job situation to be together. Someone you get along pretty well with, that's fine for having a nice relationship at first, but let's say you wanna get more serious, then you demand & require a closer compatibility, right?

 

So to cut a long story short, I just concluded there were too many troubles and obstacles to want to go further. I waited a while, not making contact, to see if my feelings changed, but after talking to some close friends, I realised that what my head was telling me was right, that although I still had feelings for her, the future prospects were not strong enough to justify staying together. The fact that we had this period of arguing was what kind of pushed me from being concerned about these issues, to really deciding that they were too big a factor to ignore, and that it was time to make a decision.

 

Anyway, whilst initially she seemed to feel the same way (i.e. when we argued, and shortly after), she recently emailed me a couple of days ago. It was kind of a typical post-break up email where someone is regretting the decision, because they are focusing only on the good times that were had. She was talking about the nice things we had done together, saying she still thought there was a chance, and sticking her neck out a bit asking if we could try again. Whilst I agreed with her about some of what she said, I felt she was either overlooking the bad points, or just not being affected by them in the way that I was. I felt it was a case of memories remembering the good and forgetting the bad, giving a picture that was too rosy & optimistic compared to the reality.

 

So, I was going to call her today and explain how I felt, how I saw things, and say that although I thought she was a great girl, there were just too many things in the way that I felt were preventing things progressing further. Some were just difficult circumstances, others were our differences in views on some things, and others were to do with how she acted. Although I felt tempted in my heart to say yes let's give it another shot, in my head I realised that the right decision was to break up now and stick by that. I spoke with a couple of close and trusted friends, and after describing what happened, they basically agreed with me.

 

Well, now comes the bad news part. I went to call her, and couldn't get through to her mobile, so I logged onto my email to write instead. In my inbox was a message from her sister, saying that my gf/possible ex (neither of us has yet said 100% it is finished) had been involved as a pedestrian in a car accident, and was badly hurt and now in hospital. The details were a bit sketchy, but I found out that she has broken both her legs, her back, and seriously hurt one of her hands & arm. So far the doctors have said she is stable, so hopefully it doesn't appear life-threatening, but it seems obvious that she is extremely badly injured and will probably take quite a long time to recover. I don't know at this point if she can look forward to a full recovery, or whether there will be some permanent debilitating effects.

 

We were all profoundly upset and shocked by this terrible news. She isn't in a condition to speak on the phone/email yet obviously, but I asked her sister to pass on a message from me, and asked her to tell me if/when it would be possible to visit. She lives abroad, and I would plan to catch the next plane out as soon as I hear that she is well enough to receive visitors.

 

So, quite apart from the obvious duty to go and make sure she is ok, offer my support, and help out in any way I can, I now face the difficult question of how to handle this situation. I immediately sent an email expressing my love & support, and saying that I would come over as soon as I got word that she was in a state to receive visitors, and I asked her sister to pass on that message (since she probably can't check email right now).

 

The question now is how do I express my original intentions? Given her accident, I feel that now would be the worst possible time to suddenly drop a bombshell on her by saying that I feel it's over, especially when she went out on a limb and asked for a 2nd chance (she is quite proud and I know it was not easy for her to apologise and say that). I really think it would be out of the question to do that now. However, if this had never happened then I would be saying to her that I don't see a future together working out, and would be 100% sure we should finish. So, if I'm not going to say that now, then the only alternative is to either i) say it some time in the future ii) lie and not say it at all. I can't take the second option and pretend everything is fine when it isn't, quite apart from making no sense and being dishonest, it would be giving her a false impression which would be unfair. So the only option seems to be to tell her, just not now, but instead some time in the future.

 

The major problem I have with that, is that it leaves the question of what do I say now, and what is the honest and ethical way to act? We were together just over 18 months and I still have a lot of feelings for her, that I'd describe as love, but this was overshadowed by the circumstances and recent problems we had. I would feel a bit of a fraud acting all nice now, yet knowing inside that at some point I'm going to have to say sorry, but I don't think it's going to work. I could I suppose just refuse to discuss the future if she asks me, but I think it would be hard to avoid the subject. And yet at the same time, I don't feel like it would be fair to tell her that bluntly when she's in her current condition, feeling the way she must do right now.

 

So I guess I'm asking for advice on how to handle this situation, and act in the most honest & fair way. I want to treat her the best that I can in the circumstances, but I don't feel I can pretend to have a hope or feeling that I don't truly have. Normally in a situation you can resolve to "do the right thing", and then it's just a matter of sticking to it. But here, I'm not at all sure what the right thing to do actually is. If I imagine myself in her shoes, I am sure I would be able to handle it if she said she felt it was finished - however, I would probably not ask about that while I was in hospital, and would rather discuss it once I had recovered somewhat. I'd probably prefer if my partner (or recent ex) concentrated on helping me to recover, offering encouragement, and then deal with all the other issues once that immediate problem is resolved. Yes, it would be a bit of an elephant in the room, but I think I'd appreciate them at least sparing that painful conversation until I felt stronger physically and mentally. On the other hand, if they told me sooner rather than later, I would at least understand their decision. The thing is, I am not sure what she would want, given that its her situation and not mine. What I would want in her shoes, is not necessarily what she would want.

 

I figure that someone not involved in the situation could give a different perspective, and with the many people who have given sound advice here on loveshack, I thought I would put it out to you - what do you think is the proper way to act here? I realise this post has gone on a bit, thanks for your patience if you have read this far! Any advice or comments would be much appreciated.

[tanbark813]

Damn dude, that's a tough one. My first instinct would be to just avoid all discussion of the matter but that pretty much tells her where she's at anyway. You wouldn't avoid the subject if it were good news.

 

As much as I hate dishonesty I'm almost inclined to say to lie to her but then if I think about being in your gf's position and I found out after the fact that it was all a lie during recovery then I think I'd be pissed. But I've also never been in a position like that so I don't know if the appreciation for the support during recovery would overshadow the dishonesty. It also, of course, only matters how she herself would react.

 

I guess if I were in your shoes I would go to visit her with the intention of doing my best to avoid the topic but to not have a decision in mind regarding whether or not to lie if pressed further. You might want to just feel it out. Personally, I'd lean 60% towards being honest if pressed for a definitive answer but possibly lie or keep things vague if she's in really bad shape. You could also just tell her you need more time to think about it but that either might come across as a cop out or, even worse, like you're waiting to decide based on how her recovery goes.

 

Tough decisions aside, I hope your (ex)gf has a speedy recovery.

[mental_traveller]

Thanks for the reply Tankbark. The more I ponder it, the more I'm thinking that perhaps it's better not to even consider the issue at all, just go there with the intention of doing my best to help her out and not think about the whole breakup issue. If the topic comes up I think it may be best to say there were problems bothering me (she was aware of that anyway, some of the issues were from her side too), but right now I just want to be there to help her & offer my support. I think that both avoids any dishonesty, whilst also avoiding the uncomfortable topic while she's in this state. Also to be honest I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now. One thing I've always felt is that I was with someone who suffered something bad like this, I'd never be one to cut and run, also the fact that I admire her a hell of a lot as a person, it's so unfair for something like this to happen to her after she did a lot of effort to do well (she had a bit of a tough year last year, and was doing well pulling out of it, had quite a few pieces of good news recently and was happy, looking forward to the future etc) so it's kind of making me feel that I should put those problems we had aside and give it another shot. I feel bad about the idea of letting her down now in this situation, my instinct is to put aside my own concerns and to help her. I guess it's the old question of do you follow your heart or head. Also, I only just heard a few hours ago so it's still sinking in, my thoughts and emotions are in a state of confusion and to be honest I'm not exactly sure what I feel right now.

 

My gut reaction is just go there, put aside any problem from the recent past and just not have any opinion or intention about that at all. Just follow my instincts and act day by day. If in 3 or 6 months she's mostly better then who knows how I will feel, or how she feels. It just seems wrong to go in with a preemptive decision, then act a different way, that would feel false and a bit of a deception. I think it would be better to forget trying to make any decision now, it's perhaps not the right time. Just follow my nature and be myself, and try to do the best I can. Even if it's not the ideal reaction she might want, at least I will have tried to act with integrity.

 

Anyway, cheers for the expression of support, I'll find out more tomorrow from her sis, hopefully she can have a full recovery.

[Kamille]

Wow, your situation clearly shows that we do not stop caring about someone even though we break up with them.

 

I think the approach you just described is the best.

 

lots of strenght to you both! My best wishes to your gf/ex

 

K

[CaliGuy]

Damn dude, that's a tough one. My first instinct would be to just avoid all discussion of the matter but that pretty much tells her where she's at anyway. You wouldn't avoid the subject if it were good news.

 

As much as I hate dishonesty I'm almost inclined to say to lie to her but then if I think about being in your gf's position and I found out after the fact that it was all a lie during recovery then I think I'd be pissed. But I've also never been in a position like that so I don't know if the appreciation for the support during recovery would overshadow the dishonesty. It also, of course, only matters how she herself would react.

 

I guess if I were in your shoes I would go to visit her with the intention of doing my best to avoid the topic but to not have a decision in mind regarding whether or not to lie if pressed further. You might want to just feel it out. Personally, I'd lean 60% towards being honest if pressed for a definitive answer but possibly lie or keep things vague if she's in really bad shape. You could also just tell her you need more time to think about it but that either might come across as a cop out or, even worse, like you're waiting to decide based on how her recovery goes.

 

Tough decisions aside, I hope your (ex)gf has a speedy recovery.

 

I agree 100% with Tankbark.

[Ariadne]

Hey mental_traveller,

 

So what happened? Did you see her?

 

I'd personally just act like a friend and be there for her 100% (and even tell her we make better friends than lovers), and not let the fact of her having an accident affect the perception that you'd make a bad couple in the long run.

 

Ariadne

[mental_traveller]

Hey mental_traveller,

 

So what happened? Did you see her?

 

I'd personally just act like a friend and be there for her 100% (and even tell her we make better friends than lovers), and not let the fact of her having an accident affect the perception that you'd make a bad couple in the long run.

 

Ariadne

 

Hi Ariadne,

 

Yes, I went over. Luckily she was not as seriously hurt as I was at first told (her sister gave the news first, and English isn't her first language, so there was a bit of mistranslation), she had 2 broken legs in casts but her back was ok apart from pain/bruising, and the doctors expect her to recover fully within 3-4 months. I tried to "act like a friend", but it was difficult to stay dispassionate - it was a very confusing situation emotionally, my head was saying one thing and my heart another. Later I went back home, and after a few days we had a long phone talk and let everything out. We both kind of recognised where things had gone wrong, and spent a few hours trying to clear the air. Eventually we agreed it was best to just split amicably and leave things at that. I felt pretty upset but I know ultimately it was the right decision, and since then I've become more convinced. Also it was nice to see that she was getting better - since I first spoke she has got a lot more strength back, is laughing and smiling, she was about to take a new job and is looking forward to that. Compared to what could have happened, it's a big relief all round really! Anyway, I hope to stay friends with her, it was really a case of just having too many problems in the way, rather than ending up hating each other's guts. She's a nice person but we just weren't meant to be.

[tanbark813]

Well good to hear that she's going to be okay. Sorry things didn't work out though.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

it was a very confusing situation emotionally, my head was saying one thing and my heart another.

 

Yeah, I can imagine that. Especially if she is weakened by the accident it makes you especially loving.

 

It's tough, but I'm glad you both agreed that it was for the best, and you didn't have to deal with her trying to change your mind.

 

I believe that for a relationship to work, good intentions are not enough, it takes some kindred spirits.

 

Nice thing of you to go, too,

 

Ariadne