When the dumper has made a mistake

[What?]

In an irrational act to save heartbreak, I told a girl I was no longer interested in seeing her anymore. I was burned major in my last relationship, which was 6 years ago. Since then, I haven't even dated or considered dating anybody. I am a pessimest until the bitter end, and think love is out to get me.

 

I met a girl who broke my defenses down very quickly and though I am very protective of my heart even if it means being alone, I fell for her really quick and really hard. It is not easy to do, takes a special lady. I know that much. Things were going better than God could have scripted, but then after about a month or 2, I didn't really hear from her for 2 weeks. She said she wanted a patient man, but after 2 weeks, I couldn't handle the lack of communication. I figured she had lost interest. When I broke it off, she was upset. But I didn't expect her to be. I genuinely thought she lost interest in me. Now I feel horrible and wish I hadn't said that, because I was really feeling it for her. I am willing to give my heart to the right girl, and my past experiences do not deter me from doing so. But it WILL be the right girl. I think she is, but now I've completely derailed the train. When she got upset, I finally knew she had to have had feelings for me. I have tried to talk with her again and explain it is a big misunderstanding. She's doing the NC thing, but has texted me that we would talk "way later".

 

Is it worth even keeping hope she will even listen to what's going on? I know now that I probably hurt her (unintentionally, also thought I'd give her an easy out, she knew how I felt, I say what's on my mind), but didn't know at the time she was as interested as I was. I want to explain this to her, but she won't even talk to me.

 

I know, if it is meant to be, it will be. I just hate all the games. I am trying to break myself free of the feelings I have waited so long to build. I want to be with her, but I dumped her in an act of stupidity and self-defeatedness. So for all you dumpees, there is hope. Sometimes the dumper hurts way more. I feel I am ready, but I do need encouragement every once and awhile. Communication is key to any relationship. I wasn't getting it here at the time, but I still feel that it could be achieved with her if we could just iron it out meaning her talk to me. I will maintain NC until she wants to talk, but have thrown it out there the same day I accidentally dumped her.

[garnet]

It sounds like some major miscommunication has occurred here. I can say from the dumpee's perspective, that when the dumper comes around and tries to talk to you, it is difficult to trust them. You hurt her, that is the bottom line, and she is feeling the need to protect herself, which is understandable. She may also feel angry that you just pulled the plug on it without much of an explanation.

 

I think there is hope here for you. I'm not sure exactly what you came back and tried to communicate with her, but the fact that she said you could talk "way later" means that you do need to respect her space right now. But don't give up. If you really feel strongly about her, give her some time and then try making another approach. She may be more receptive next time.

 

I wish you luck.

[Guest]

NO, no, no...do not maintain NC until she wants to talk. You broke up with her. She doesn't trust you cause you dumped her. Stop playing games. Let her know you do want her but SHOW HER don't TELL HER...start doing nice but not overly nice things. invite her out. be NICE. don't chase.

[What?]

It sounds like some major miscommunication has occurred here. I can say from the dumpee's perspective, that when the dumper comes around and tries to talk to you, it is difficult to trust them. You hurt her, that is the bottom line, and she is feeling the need to protect herself, which is understandable. She may also feel angry that you just pulled the plug on it without much of an explanation.

 

I think there is hope here for you. I'm not sure exactly what you came back and tried to communicate with her, but the fact that she said you could talk "way later" means that you do need to respect her space right now. But don't give up. If you really feel strongly about her, give her some time and then try making another approach. She may be more receptive next time.

 

I wish you luck.

 

Hey Garnet, You are very insightful. That is exactly what happened. I felt worse when I found out the whole time she was just wanting to take it slow. I don't claim to be the most knowledgeable in these matters (takes a special girl to raise my interest), but I honest to God felt like she wasn't inetersted.

 

Unfortunately, I work with this girl and see her from time-to-time. We still haven't talked and Monday she wouldn't even look at me. Today she looked at me and gave me the look I've been dying to see again, because it strongly resembled the look she used to give me. I think I was able to reply with my eyes as well.

 

We have a mutual friend and I have been channeling my thinking through her. She said she would get a feel for what my girl (I hope) is thinking and get back to me. If it looks good, I will try calling her again. There are several people who know of my plight and share your optomism. I hope to God you are all correct because I have fallen for this girl pretty hard.

 

I also realize I have caused her to distrust me, at least for the time being, but do think if we talk and I can explain this horrible misunderstanding, I think she will understand. She's just that great a girl. Thanks for your kind words and I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavours as well.

[What?]

NO, no, no...do not maintain NC until she wants to talk. You broke up with her. She doesn't trust you cause you dumped her. Stop playing games. Let her know you do want her but SHOW HER don't TELL HER...start doing nice but not overly nice things. invite her out. be NICE. don't chase.

 

I don't play games. I don't even know the rules. If it were up to me, it would be as easy as us talking immediately after I made the stupid decision to throw away a potential soulmate because I didn't know what was going on.

 

I thought I was giving her an easy out because I didn't think she saw me the same way I saw her and believed she knew how I felt about her. I'll be the first to admit I can be insecure every now and again, but she was plowing through all of them.

 

I have been with 2 girls over the span of 8 years (LTRs) and taken the last 5 to be by myself and reflect on things. Though we've been dating for a short period of time, I know this is who I want. I feed off of her, she makes me feel like the man I know I am every minute I have spent with her.

 

She is 9 years younger than I am, and now it became clear she could be a little afraid and want to take it slower. At the time, I just didn't see that. I am not saying that I need to be in constant contact with her, but even talking on the phone once a week I didn't think would be too unreasonable just to know she's still around. I need that little bit of reassurance.

 

The whole situation is slightly more complicated than I originally posted, and I admit I handled this wrong at the worst time. The bottom line is that this has been a HUGE misunderstanding I think on both our parts, especially mine, and I will not make the same mistake twice if I get the chance. I appreciate your advice and do plan on calling her when the time is right.

 

I think she knows I'm really not the a**hole I have played myself out to be by doing this in the first place. As garnet said, I am respecting her space for now, will hope she calls, but will not maintain NC for ever. I hope to add a good story to the "do 2nd chances pan out?" thread soon! BTW, DOING nice things for her and SHOWING her how I feel comes naturally to me. That isn't going to be a problem, I just need an opportunity to clear the air.

[What?]

Turns out the dumper was right after all...

 

I have not been playing by the rules from the get go, acted on emotion only because it felt right with her. I did not resist the urge to drunk text her yesterday and tell her how I felt. I finally got an answer from her in that she did not feel the same way and didn't want to hurt me. I felt pretty good about that because not knowing what was going on hurt more than the final result.

 

I suppose I knew it all along, else I wouldn't have acted the way I did. I can't help but think she is a great girl and wish I were the guy for her. But I take from this renewed confidence and hope there is a girl with similar qualities out there somewhere. Thanks for all your good advice and good luck to everybody! I hate the game, but it will pay off for all of us someday!