wife in contact with ex boyfriend

[weimaraner]

helo all, i am new here and have read alot of horrible stories sorry if mine is lame.

my wife and i have been married for 7 years and dated for 5 before that. i recently discovered that her last boyfriend before us has contacted her online. he said" hey long time no talk hope all is well with your faimily" she e-mails back " really long time no talk!!! everything is fine, here is my personal e-mail address so i can respond faster next time. now he was her first for sex and i think they dated for only six months,in high school. he is recently divorced

 

first off, if i got an e-mail from an ex i would tell my wife and just delete it, why would i want to talk to somebody from twelve years ago. i dont understand why he would contact her and why she would not tell me about it and just delete the e-mail. the thing that really bothers me is that she checks almost everyday to see if has read the e-mail and then deletes her cookies.

 

am i over thinking this? i can not sleep at night it just drives me up a wall,my wife is the only women i have ever loved. should i keep monitoring to see if it goes any further or should i confront her, but if i do she will know i snooped. i have always trusted her she is a "good girl" but damn why not tell me.

[whichwayisup]

He could be feeling out the situation....If you know what I mean. Newly divorced, looking up an old flame.

 

Tell her how uncomfortable it makes you feel. After all those years of NOT being intouch, she doesn't need his friendship now. No good can come of it if they keep intouch regularly.

 

I'm sure in her mind she isn't thinking it could lead to trouble...

 

You just tell her what you saw on her account.

[hitachi13]

I would not be comfortable with this at all! I would definately put my foot down and let her know that continued communication wil be unacceptable. I cannot imagine that she would be ok with you communicating with your first sexual partner.

There are spyware programs available that would allow you to read her email communications. Be advised that if something is truly going on - she will be furious at the invasion of her privacy idf she finds out.

However, there is no need for privacy in a marriage if there is nothing to hide - IMHO.

[Erik]

This has red flags all over it. However, some girls are cool with their exes, I see my ex no problem, I even have dinner with her new husband from time to time. Be careful you don't accuse her of something she didn't do.

 

You seem to be on the ball, so if there is something, you'll probably catch her, and affair is extremely difficult to hide, and, trust me, goddamn impossible if the SO is smelling a rat. Stay vigilant.

 

Now, staying vigilant doesn't really solve the underlying problem, if your wife really is thinking of straying. The important thing is, not to show your anxiety or even more important - and I admit this sounds weird - not to show your love. You must give her the impression that your passion for her is cooling. She will then very quickly decide she has something more important on her mind than some has-been. It's a dirty trick, but it works. Try it, keep monitoring her, see if it works. If it doesn't you could confront her. That sometimes works, but it is always trouble and sometimes catastrophe. The best thing would be to reel her in without taking the confrontation. And that way, if you are of the misanthropic persuasion, you'll have something on her for a rainy day. (I didn't write that last bit, I swear!)

[whichwayisup]

The important thing is, not to show your anxiety or even more important - and I admit this sounds weird - not to show your love. You must give her the impression that your passion for her is cooling. She will then very quickly decide she has something more important on her mind than some has-been. It's a dirty trick, but it works.

 

Uhmmm no. That WILL push her right into his arms, and lead to an affair. Sorry, but that's bad advice.

 

He needs to be honest, and just talk to her about how he's feeling.

[Erik]

Uhmmm no. That WILL push her right into his arms, and lead to an affair. Sorry, but that's bad advice.

 

He needs to be honest, and just talk to her about how he's feeling.

 

It's exactly the kind of advice he'd get if he asked his wife: "Honey, I'm worried you are cheating on me, what should I do about it?"

 

Only tell your woman about your feelings when they are good. Hide stuff like jealousy, envy or insecurity from her, only wimps have that kind of feelings. You must decide what's more important, your wife's feelings or your marriage. If you start blabbering about insecurity and jealousy you wife will turn frigid instantly and never sleep with you again. I'd recommend you had an affair and flaunt it, but I doubt it would be met with much approval in here. A soft alternative: get hold of some lingerie, find some expensive stuff in a posh shop and let her find it in your pocket or something. When she confront you, be ultra-cool. Deny her insane allegations, just calmly tell her she is wrong and that you have no idea how the knickers got into your pocket. Don't act too hurt, you want more like cold, restrained anger that she doesn't trust your word, give her a bit of ice. Next day, drop an earring behind the sofa pillow. You get the drift.

 

If that doesn't work, your case is hopeless.

[Oper Edei Deixai]

It's exactly the kind of advice he'd get if he asked his wife: "Honey, I'm worried you are cheating on me, what should I do about it?"

 

Only tell your woman about your feelings when they are good. Hide stuff like jealousy, envy or insecurity from her, only wimps have that kind of feelings. You must decide what's more important, your wife's feelings or your marriage. If you start blabbering about insecurity and jealousy you wife will turn frigid instantly and never sleep with you again. I'd recommend you had an affair and flaunt it, but I doubt it would be met with much approval in here. A soft alternative: get hold of some lingerie, find some expensive stuff in a posh shop and let her find it in your pocket or something. When she confront you, be ultra-cool. Deny her insane allegations, just calmly tell her she is wrong and that you have no idea how the knickers got into your pocket. Don't act too hurt, you want more like cold, restrained anger that she doesn't trust your word, give her a bit of ice. Next day, drop an earring behind the sofa pillow. You get the drift.

 

If that doesn't work, your case is hopeless.

 

Man, I'm all in for black comedy, and your post has me laughing my a## off, but I get the distinct feeling that comedy is not what's needed here.

 

My 2 cents:

 

Ask her straight up - "What's the deal with this guy from classmates? Are we OK? Should I be worried?"

 

Remain vigilant, but if you spy too much, it's just distrustful and it will only weaken your relationship. Do you trust her? I hope so. If you do, stop snooping, it's rude.

[Erik]

Uhm, yes, maybe it was a bit over the top. But I still suggest you try to hide your feelings for a while. Your jealousy is supercharging your emotions, and you are liable to make a fool of yourself if you start talking about it. In fact, you could say that what you feel now, is not your true feelings, they have been skewed by jealousy.

 

But if you can do as OED suggests - asking her wtf is going on - without sounding pleading or insecure or jealous or desperate, it may work. It's not as easy as you think, though. Most of what is communicated between people is non-verbal, she'll pick up the supplicating tone, even if she doesn't consciously realise.

 

Honesty is too often considered a cure-all; it doesn't always work to your benefit. In fact, the effect of honesty often is quite unpredictable. You need to rekindle the flame in your woman, not give her therapy. She must feel your inner alpha, and she won't do that by holding your hand and sharing tears and regret. Remember, this is not about processing all the unsaid stuff and conflicts in your relationships, it's a pretty straightforward problem. If there are deeper things in your relationship that keeps effing up your life, then, yes, honesty and handwringing is in order. But not here, IMO. No real point.

 

So maybe you put on a little playacting, I'm sure you'll make it up to her later on.

[Erik]

I also agree with OED that you should be careful about how much you spy on her. Even if she never notices, YOU will, and you will think less of your relationship the more you spy. The more respect you show your wife, the more you'll love her.

[Erik]

If you decide to follow OED's advice, you must not apologise for spying on her. Tell her straight out what you have done. She may try to lash out in self defence, trying to make you the guilty part. Show no remorse or regret, she's the cagey one. If you apologise for spying on her, you've lost most of your psychological leverage. This is one case where honesty is crucial. If you lie, make up stories about how you've found out, she'll register instantly and go digging, and it will turn into a cross-examination about your sneaky dealings instead.

[jmargel]

If you search on my name, you'll see a long thread about my problem. A few months after I got married my wife was in contact w/ her ex. Things progressively got worse and she maintained that she just wanted to 'stay friends'.

 

Long story short I told her she needs to make a decision, that I won't compete in my own marriage. I was ready for divorce and wanted her out of the house. It was only then did it occur to her that what she was doing was a sort of cheating. I still hold alot of resentment towards this and it still affects our marriage even though she hasn't had contact with him in like 2 years now.

 

That being said what she is doing is wrong, hiding it from you. Exs are exs for a reason and unless you keep that chapter closed in your life, it will hinder the ability to move on.

 

If you approach her now about it, she'll just hide it better and turn the argument on you snooping. Best thing to do is get a keylogger (google family keylogger) it's free. And just check on her.

 

As for him, it's obvisous what he wants.. He wants to go out with her. But you can't control him, what you can do is control yourself and trust your wife for right now. If my ex gf contacted me, I would still want to talk to her to see how her life is going, but I would not pursue it nor would I meet up with her.

 

Think of this as a test. Let her make her decisions on her own, and if she turns him down then you know in your heart that she really loves you. By saying anything now you are not allowing yourself to know the true answer and on top of it will be considered as jealous and a jerk. Let us know how it goes.

[Salicious Crumb]

helo all, i am new here and have read alot of horrible stories sorry if mine is lame.

my wife and i have been married for 7 years and dated for 5 before that. i recently discovered that her last boyfriend before us has contacted her on classmates he said" hey long time no talk hope all is well with your faimily" she e-mails back " really long time no talk!!! everything is fine, here is my personal e-mail address so i can respond faster next time. now he was her first for sex and i think they dated for only six months,in high school. he is recently divorced

 

first off, if i got an e-mail from an ex i would tell my wife and just delete it, why would i want to talk to somebody from twelve years ago. i dont understand why he would contact her and why she would not tell me about it and just delete the e-mail. the thing that really bothers me is that she checks almost everyday to see if has read the e-mail and then deletes her cookies.

 

am i over thinking this? i can not sleep at night it just drives me up a wall,my wife is the only women i have ever loved. should i keep monitoring to see if it goes any further or should i confront her, but if i do she will know i snooped. i have always trusted her she is a "good girl" but damn why not tell me.

 

I think it is unacceptable especially if she gave him an email address that only she uses. But I wouldn't jump the gun. If it is just a "hi and bye" thing, in other words, he just wanted to drop a line and they aren't going to chat on a daily basis...then its ok. I am civil with my past girlfriends....but I wouldn't strike up a regular relationship with them.

 

Have you talked to her about this? Tell her you are not comfortable with this and you think it is inappropriate.

[whichwayisup]

I think it is unacceptable especially if she gave him an email address that only she uses. But I wouldn't jump the gun. If it is just a "hi and bye" thing, in other words, he just wanted to drop a line and they aren't going to chat on a daily basis...then its ok. I am civil with my past girlfriends....but I wouldn't strike up a regular relationship with them.

 

Have you talked to her about this? Tell her you are not comfortable with this and you think it is inappropriate.

 

I agree with you 100%, saying hi once in a while is fine, but my concern is, the guy never made any attempt to contact her over the years, and now he's freshly divorced - Looks her up and contacts her?

 

All weimaraner has to do now is just keep an eye on things, and see what happens.

[Greggie]

You have to keep on monitoring. A lot of infidelities these days start out with an e-mail like that. Continue snooping and when you have hard evidence that they are about to meet, do not let his happen.

 

By all means, hijack the appointment, or follow in another car and when they get into the motel, knock at the door as soon as the door closes. You will regret it if you don't. Because what will follow will be hellish for both of you. Having had sexual relationship in the past makes them easy to do it again. Marriage is something that will not stop cheap thrills like this. In fact, it feeds to the thrill.

[Guest]

You better watch this man. My wife did exactly the same thing with an ex. Now we're divorced and she's shacking with him. It started out as nothing, but became her everything. The bottom line is that she is married to you, and she should tell ex lover to hit the happy trails. That piece of Sh** is definitely fishing to rekindle something. Don't feel bad about spying; I had the same feelings and didn't do it--now I'm divorced.

 

It'll start out as chit chat, then she'll start confideing in him what she should be speaking about with you, then they'll develope the emotional attachment, then it'll become physical. By this time you will have been replaced.