norajane Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 A few months ago, I found out my bf had blended girlfriends at the beginning of our relationship over two years ago (while we were long distance) and he's still "friends" with his ex now. He wouldn't stop being "friends" even though I laid it out for him and explained that he knows I'm normally not mean mommy and would never tell him who he couldn't be friends with...but, in this case and under the circumstances, I couldn't stand it that he was friends with her and I needed him to stop out of respect for my feelings. He just wouldn't do it, and he couldn't really explain why not, and just kept saying they were friends and had been friends for a few years and he wouldn't just drop her. So I broke up with him a couple of weeks ago because I couldn't take the doubt and anxiety it caused me, even though I might believe they are just friends...at the moment. Someone in another thread mentioned that people sometimes use their exes (or others) as an emotional crutch - so they have someone else in the wings and that allows them to have less invested in the primary relationship in case things go wrong, or something like that. I'd like to understand this concept better if anyone has insights. Has anyone been in the position of being involved in a relationship and using an ex or someone else as a crutch? How does that work? Did you have feelings for the other person? Did/would you cheat with them, or were they just a back-up? Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 So do you think that your ex was using his ex as a backup in case it didn't work out with you? I have heard of people doing that but only in the beginning. I'm not sure about throughout the relationship. Don't know for sure unless someone admits it. Seems like if a person is in a relationship he/she wouldn't need a backup unless that person had some doubts or used it as a just in case. But even if the relationship is going strong, why have one? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 women are more in need of emotional support so I think they are much more well versed at useing an ex as an emotinal crutch. women love to date some dude while keeping all these other male "friends" in the shaddows. once the relationship is over she'll pick one of her "friends" as the next sucker. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 15, 2007 Author Share Posted March 15, 2007 He and I have known each other for 20 years...we've dated each other before, twice...third time seemed to be the charm, until I found out about the ex. I think he wasn't quite ready to break up with her when he realized I would give him another chance this time. She's a great person, they have interests in common. But, when he saw that I would give him a chance, he jumped at it and...eventually...broke it off with her but remained friends. So, I think SHE still has feelings for him, and he probably has feelings for her. It's not like they broke up because they didn't want to date anymore. They broke up because he wanted to date me instead. That's why their "friendship" bothers me. I do think it's possible he was keeping her on the back burner in case he and I broke up. And I think their friendship made it easier for him to hold back a little, not be fully committed to making ours work. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 It's possible. Only way that's proved is if he's back with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 Not necessarily Ipanca. It can be a use situation. The guy or girl can be using the other person solely for emotional support, thereby draining positive emotion from the primary relationship. Once the primary relationship is over, there's not necessarily the same need for support, support to not fully commit that is. Btw, most of this happens within the subconscious mind. I don't think people necessarily realize what they are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 I do think it's possible he was keeping her on the back burner in case he and I broke up. And I think their friendship made it easier for him to hold back a little, not be fully committed to making ours work. thats why I always say never stay friends with an ex-lover unless you have kids together... Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 Not necessarily Ipanca. It can be a use situation. The guy or girl can be using the other person solely for emotional support, thereby draining positive emotion from the primary relationship. Once the primary relationship is over, there's not necessarily the same need for support, support to not fully commit that is. Btw, most of this happens within the subconscious mind. I don't think people necessarily realize what they are doing. I get that but once the primary relationship is over what happends to the 2 that were doing this? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 I get that but once the primary relationship is over what happends to the 2 that were doing this? It can go either way depending on how much it's a use relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 15, 2007 Author Share Posted March 15, 2007 Not necessarily Ipanca. It can be a use situation. The guy or girl can be using the other person solely for emotional support, thereby draining positive emotion from the primary relationship. Once the primary relationship is over, there's not necessarily the same need for support, support to not fully commit that is. Btw, most of this happens within the subconscious mind. I don't think people necessarily realize what they are doing. I might agree that he didn't realize exactly what he was doing. He thinks just because they aren't f*cking, that it shouldn't matter to me that they hang out. He can't admit that their relationship was affecting us - not becasue of my jealousy, but because his head wasn't fully in the game. He thinks the problem is that I don't believe that they aren't having sex anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 I might agree that he didn't realize exactly what he was doing. He thinks just because they aren't f*cking, that it shouldn't matter to me that they hang out. He can't admit that their relationship was affecting us - not becasue of my jealousy, but because his head wasn't fully in the game. He thinks the problem is that I don't believe that they aren't having sex anymore. I've posted this article on LS a few times so you might already have seen it. An emotional crutch might or might not be an emotional affair but the two are not always mutually exclusive. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14287231/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 15, 2007 Author Share Posted March 15, 2007 I get that but once the primary relationship is over what happends to the 2 that were doing this? I don't know what's happening with them at the moment. He's out of the country on business, so I'm not entirely sure how he's even dealing with our break-up. I've gotten a couple emails, but mostly about his trip, apologizing that he hasn't had time to talk to me properly, still insisting that they are just friends, and that it wasn't wise of him "to let [me] imagine my admittedly-sizeable transgressions even larger." Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 I've posted this article on LS a few times so you might already have seen it. An emotional crutch might or might not be an emotional affair but the two are not always mutually exclusive. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14287231/ Interesting acticle and I can see how easy that is to get into one. Even on this site it's possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 Interesting acticle and I can see how easy that is to get into one. Even on this site it's possible. Bang on Ipanca. Too easy. There's a fine line between friendship which enriches your life and an emotional crutch or emotional affair. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 Bang on Ipanca. Too easy. There's a fine line between friendship which enriches your life and an emotional crutch or emotional affair. Yes I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 16, 2007 Author Share Posted March 16, 2007 I've posted this article on LS a few times so you might already have seen it. An emotional crutch might or might not be an emotional affair but the two are not always mutually exclusive. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14287231/ I read through the article, and it would be really hard for me to know if she is an emotional affair, emotional crutch, or friend. I guess that's why I had to end things. He always said theirs was never a love relationship, it wasn't serious, they weren't in love, it wasn't like that between them. I think he's either saying that to try to spare my feelings, or maybe HE felt that way about it, but I don't believe she didn't have feelings for him. They dated for a couple years - women don't date a guy that long without developing feelings. He's always insisted what he loves about our relationship is the intimacy between us. So it really troubles me that he would create the Grand Canyon between us by being so uncompromising about his friendship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 I read through the article, and it would be really hard for me to know if she is an emotional affair, emotional crutch, or friend. I guess that's why I had to end things. He always said theirs was never a love relationship, it wasn't serious, they weren't in love, it wasn't like that between them. I think he's either saying that to try to spare my feelings, or maybe HE felt that way about it, but I don't believe she didn't have feelings for him. They dated for a couple years - women don't date a guy that long without developing feelings. He's always insisted what he loves about our relationship is the intimacy between us. So it really troubles me that he would create the Grand Canyon between us by being so uncompromising about his friendship with her. If a guy is unwilling to give up a female (crutch/affair/friend) because it's affecting your relationship, I think you have every reason to be concerned. Why don't you let your ex read that article? Some guys don't even believe that EAs exist, therefore, don't realize the signs until it's too late. For me, here's the difference between a friend and something more: Friend = enriches his life but doesn't detract from the primary relationship. Emotional crutch/affair = vampires the primary relationship and if unrestrained can become a PA which then turns it into the primary relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
silentcharon Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 That's interesting. I think that's what probably happened with my ex and our mutual friend, and none of us realized it at the time. After we broke up, everyone asked them if there was anything going on. They both denied it- she specifically told me she would never do anything like that, because he was her best friend, blah, blah. I believed them both (not that I had any business anyway now that we broke up, but it was an issue in our relationship) and then two weeks later, she broke up with her boyfriend and slept with my ex. Ever since it's been a mess between all the 3 of us. I have since withdrawn from the scene and found somewhere else to go. It has been incredibly difficult on me. Recently I started seeing my ex again on friendly terms when he was dating her- I was even dating someone else too. Since we were together for so long, she was very uncompromising with how much time he could spend with me. She approached me to insist that I stop seeing my ex, and I said no, because, quite frankly- she's supposed to deal with her boyfriend, not me. I'm just the ex, right? My ex wasn't willing to stop seeing me either- on the basis we weren't doing anything, and we really weren't. We did still possess feelings for one another, but she knew that upon entering a relationship with him, fully knowing she would most likely be the rebound. My point is that, things happen. You can't change things you can't change. You can only change what you can. People WILL cheat regardless of how much precautions their so's take to prevent that, whether it be a PA or a EA. It can even happen without anyone being fully aware of it. Unfortunately, in both of our cases- you being the girlfriend and me being the 'friend', friends stay and girlfriends/boyfriends come and go. If your boyfriend wants to create the Grand canyon sized chasm between you and him over her, let him. It will only tell you where his true priorities lie, and from there, you can only decide what you want to do with yourself. It sucks, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 16, 2007 Author Share Posted March 16, 2007 If a guy is unwilling to give up a female (crutch/affair/friend) because it's affecting your relationship, I think you have every reason to be concerned. Why don't you let your ex read that article? Some guys don't even believe that EAs exist, therefore, don't realize the signs until it's too late. For me, here's the difference between a friend and something more: Friend = enriches his life but doesn't detract from the primary relationship. Emotional crutch/affair = vampires the primary relationship and if unrestrained can become a PA which then turns it into the primary relationship. I doubt he would see himself in it - I've talked to him about the points in the article and he denies that's going on. He thinks I'm imagining there's more there than there really is. I may send it to him anyway. I'm just not in the mood to keep trying to get him to respect my feelings. I've done plenty of talking over the last couple of months. He's not stupid - except to the extent that he's lost me over this . Maybe he needs to feel that loss. If he turns to her, then that's all I need to know. If he wants what we had back, well, I don't want him if he insists on keeping that friendship going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 16, 2007 Author Share Posted March 16, 2007 My point is that, things happen. You can't change things you can't change. You can only change what you can. People WILL cheat regardless of how much precautions their so's take to prevent that, whether it be a PA or a EA. It can even happen without anyone being fully aware of it. Unfortunately, in both of our cases- you being the girlfriend and me being the 'friend', friends stay and girlfriends/boyfriends come and go. If your boyfriend wants to create the Grand canyon sized chasm between you and him over her, let him. It will only tell you where his true priorities lie, and from there, you can only decide what you want to do with yourself. It sucks, I know. Like I said, I've known him 20 years. I've been the friend, the girlfriend, the ex...so, I'm also the friend that stays, the ex that's somewhere in the back of his mind, he's in the back of mine. We keep coming back to each other because the feelings between us always remain, and rekindle no matter how far away we get and how long we stay away from each other. This time, I really wanted to do it right - either make it work, or get these feelings out of our system. So this really sucks - another ending that isn't a real ending, because we still love each other and there's still something there. I need to get control of myself and just let it go, but I did that before, or so I thought. I'm just as bad as he is. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 So this really sucks - another ending that isn't a real ending, because we still love each other and there's still something there. I need to get control of myself and just let it go, but I did that before, or so I thought. I'm just as bad as he is. the problem with this type of relationship, NJ, is that they are already set in stone. The MO i mean. It will either continue in this format forever or it will have to end permanently. If I were you I'd choose the latter. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 If a guy is unwilling to give up a female (crutch/affair/friend) because it's affecting your relationship, I think you have every reason to be concerned. I agree. If he can't respect your feelings then maybe you're better off without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 16, 2007 Author Share Posted March 16, 2007 the problem with this type of relationship, NJ, is that they are already set in stone. The MO i mean. It will either continue in this format forever or it will have to end permanently. If I were you I'd choose the latter. I'd like to think we are all capable of change. But you're probably right. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 But you're probably right. No NJ...I'm not "probably" right...I am right. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 I'd like to think we are all capable of change. But you're probably right. We all are capable of change but you must have the willingness and desire to do so, which unfortunately not a lot of people possess. Link to post Share on other sites
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