Author norajane Posted March 16, 2007 Author Share Posted March 16, 2007 We all are capable of change but you must have the willingness and desire to do so, which unfortunately not a lot of people possess. I know - and he's not big on change. At the age of 40, he still hasn't grown up and I'm not expecting this break-up will do the trick. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 I know - and he's not big on change. At the age of 40, he still hasn't grown up and I'm not expecting this break-up will do the trick. Stubborness comes at all ages..... Count your losses and move on to broader horizons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 Stubborness comes at all ages..... Count your losses and move on to broader horizons. My losses? And here I was thinking it's HIS loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 My losses? And here I was thinking it's HIS loss. Of course its his loss. I was referring to all the time and energy that you invested into the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 19, 2007 Author Share Posted March 19, 2007 Of course its his loss. I was referring to all the time and energy that you invested into the relationship. Yes, maybe he is my emotional crutch, too. He's been my friend for 20 years - it's hard to know what to do with that part right now. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 Yes, maybe he is my emotional crutch, too. He's been my friend for 20 years - it's hard to know what to do with that part right now. so what is he? a friend or a lover? he can't be both.... whatever the nature of your relationship with him it is keeping you from finding someone more appropriate. Both of you are doing a great dis-service to each other. Link to post Share on other sites
VirtualInsanity Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 I read most of this and I'm somewhat confused. Were you friends with him while he was with that other girl? If so, wouldn't you and him be just as bad remaining friends during the time when he was with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 19, 2007 Author Share Posted March 19, 2007 so what is he? a friend or a lover? he can't be both.... whatever the nature of your relationship with him it is keeping you from finding someone more appropriate. Both of you are doing a great dis-service to each other. I thought the best lovers are also friends. But, yes, we can't seem to let each other go. I'm trying, though. I did break up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 But, yes, we can't seem to let each other go. very well NJ....but you two can't stay together as lovers either. So what's the point? If you two cannot figure out the exact nature of your "relationship" after 20+ years then no one else can either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 19, 2007 Author Share Posted March 19, 2007 I read most of this and I'm somewhat confused. Were you friends with him while he was with that other girl? If so, wouldn't you and him be just as bad remaining friends during the time when he was with her? When he was dating her, I was dating other people, and I lived at the other end of the country. Our friendship was limited to occasional visits over the holidays or maybe dinner when I was in town on business, and a call every now and then. We hadn't dated each other in years, and never had any intention to date again. His ex is someone he dated for two years, and didn't break up with until a few months after he started seeing me, and I was not aware they hadn't broken up yet...he lied by omission. They did not have a prior friendship before dating. It bothers me because he talks to her and sees her often. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 19, 2007 Author Share Posted March 19, 2007 very well NJ....but you two can't stay together as lovers either. So what's the point? If you two cannot figure out the exact nature of your "relationship" after 20+ years then no one else can either. I know. I feel like an idiot. I do know I want to be with him. But not under the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 I know. I feel like an idiot. I do know I want to be with him. But not under the circumstances. Unfortunately he is using you as a long-term fall back option. When he does not have some other woman he always knows that you will be waiting in the shadows. You are his puppet and he pulls the strings when he feels like it. You should not accept this behaviour from him NJ. These types of long term "friends to lover to friends" relationships are very dangerous for the psyche and always end in disaster. Both of you are acting like emotional retards. Link to post Share on other sites
VirtualInsanity Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 When he was dating her, I was dating other people, and I lived at the other end of the country. Our friendship was limited to occasional visits over the holidays or maybe dinner when I was in town on business, and a call every now and then. We hadn't dated each other in years, and never had any intention to date again. His ex is someone he dated for two years, and didn't break up with until a few months after he started seeing me, and I was not aware they hadn't broken up yet...he lied by omission. They did not have a prior friendship before dating. It bothers me because he talks to her and sees her often. Oh okay I get it. Sorry. Here's my two cents: Your Ex should've had no trouble choosing between you two. Unfortunately he chose her which tells me he still had feelings. Sure he had them for you too BUT he couldn't let her go which makes you second to her IMO. Ex's also IMO have no business being part of another couples relationship. Ex's are simply Ex's and I don't get why people think their the exception other then still having feelings. In all reality your probably best in the long run if you find someone else because this guy is not BF material for you. That situation would tire me out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norajane Posted March 19, 2007 Author Share Posted March 19, 2007 Unfortunately he is using you as a long-term fall back option. When he does not have some other woman he always knows that you will be waiting in the shadows. You are his puppet and he pulls the strings when he feels like it. You should not accept this behaviour from him NJ. These types of long term "friends to lover to friends" relationships are very dangerous for the psyche and always end in disaster. Both of you are acting like emotional retards. Yes, but I'm in love, so of course I'm acting like an emotional retard...what's his excuse? I did reach my limit and told him I wouldn't accept it anymore. Now I just have to stick to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 Yes, maybe he is my emotional crutch, too. He's been my friend for 20 years - it's hard to know what to do with that part right now. Well you did break-up with him, so you know that it is a bad idea for the two of you to be involved romantically. You have known him for 20 years plus, so you are not going to be able to recover from this overnight. Take it one day at a time and try to distance yourself from him as each day goes by and it will get easier for you to get over him and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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