Fiance upset over porn

[Super89Rex]

Well, my fiance is really angry at me over some websites she discovered in my history. A few weeks back she had found out I was looking at porn on the internet, she got really upset and depressed about it; I told her that I would'nt look at porn anymore because I wouldn't want her feeling hurt or upset about it anymore. Anyways, a few weeks goes by. She's pregnant so, she hasn't been feeling very well, very nauseous and tired and lack of sex drive. So recently I went on the computer and went to a porn site. I didn't delete the history and she went on the next day.

 

She was very upset and hurt, she questioned my love for her, and told me she couldn't trust me anymore I feel very hurt and upset by this because of course none of it is true! I love her more than anything and no way could porn ever make me love her any less. I just feel like this horrible person, I spoke with her and asked her how can I get her to trust me again..she told me its going to take a lot of effort of my part and how it's very hard for her to trust me now!

 

I don't know what to do, for some reason this history contained some junk popups about adult dating sites, and other junk that spit up from the site. She asked me why I was looking at dating sites, I told her the truth that I wasn't and I don't think she believes me.

 

Please help, what do I do? I never thought that porn was abnormal or made me sick in the head, from my understanding most guys even with girlfriends/wives look at porn..

 

I just need some advice please.. I love this girl more than anything and it crushes me to know she has lost trust in me, I feel so hopeless...

[climbergirl]

Well, my fiance is really angry at me over some websites she discovered in my history. A few weeks back she had found out I was looking at porn on the internet, she got really upset and depressed about it; I told her that I would'nt look at porn anymore because I wouldn't want her feeling hurt or upset about it anymore. Anyways, a few weeks goes by. She's pregnant so, she hasn't been feeling very well, very nauseous and tired and lack of sex drive. So recently I went on the computer and went to a porn site. I didn't delete the history and she went on the next day.

 

She was very upset and hurt, she questioned my love for her, and told me she couldn't trust me anymore I feel very hurt and upset by this because of course none of it is true! I love her more than anything and no way could porn ever make me love her any less. I just feel like this horrible person, I spoke with her and asked her how can I get her to trust me again..she told me its going to take a lot of effort of my part and how it's very hard for her to trust me now!

 

I don't know what to do, for some reason this history contained some junk popups about adult dating sites, and other junk that spit up from the site. She asked me why I was looking at dating sites, I told her the truth that I wasn't and I don't think she believes me.

 

Please help, what do I do? I never thought that porn was abnormal or made me sick in the head, from my understanding most guys even with girlfriends/wives look at porn..

 

I just need some advice please.. I love this girl more than anything and it crushes me to know she has lost trust in me, I feel so hopeless...

 

 

Although I agree that porn is no big thing, here's the difference....she's pregnant. Pregnancy does wacky things to a womans hormones (especially in the early stages-she gets more weepy and short tempered) and pregnancy can warp a womans self esteem and body image. She may have been ok with porn prior to pregnancy, but she may now worry about her body changing and is more sensitive to your attractiveness to her.

 

Another thing, you told her you wouldn't do it, but you did. She's probably questioning how important porn is to you.

 

Now is the time to lavish attention on her and show her how important/attractive she is to you. And if you say you aren't going to look at porn....then don't! Believe me, she'll be checking.

 

You can try to convince her to believe you right now, but it won't work---she has to see for herself.

 

Good luck and congrats on the baby!

[Dadaal]

I don't think I can help you because you were not supposed to look at porn in the first place. Your wife is pregnant with your baby and what you do is watch porn on the internet.

[outofdarkness]

Well, my fiance is really angry at me over some websites she discovered in my history. A few weeks back she had found out I was looking at porn on the internet, she got really upset and depressed about it; I told her that I would'nt look at porn anymore because I wouldn't want her feeling hurt or upset about it anymore. Anyways, a few weeks goes by. She's pregnant so, she hasn't been feeling very well, very nauseous and tired and lack of sex drive. So recently I went on the computer and went to a porn site. I didn't delete the history and she went on the next day.

 

She was very upset and hurt, she questioned my love for her, and told me she couldn't trust me anymore I feel very hurt and upset by this because of course none of it is true! I love her more than anything and no way could porn ever make me love her any less. I just feel like this horrible person, I spoke with her and asked her how can I get her to trust me again..she told me its going to take a lot of effort of my part and how it's very hard for her to trust me now!

 

I don't know what to do, for some reason this history contained some junk popups about adult dating sites, and other junk that spit up from the site. She asked me why I was looking at dating sites, I told her the truth that I wasn't and I don't think she believes me.

 

Please help, what do I do? I never thought that porn was abnormal or made me sick in the head, from my understanding most guys even with girlfriends/wives look at porn..

 

I just need some advice please.. I love this girl more than anything and it crushes me to know she has lost trust in me, I feel so hopeless...

unless you find ourself not able to go without looking at porn, I don't think you have a problem w/ it. But, it obviously upsets your GF, so in my opinion, you need to find a way to stay away from it. It can be addictive if you get obsessive about it. I know how the pop up thing works, once you go to one site, all sorts of nasty things keep popping up. You can run a program like spybot or noadware and that would most likely clean out your comp..You might also try running a virus program. Then...don't look at it again...If you find that you can't stop, then you might need some help...It's disrespectful to her for you to continue to look at it. Yes, lots of guys do, but I can tell you that most of us girls don't like it at all and if you are younger, or even older, we tend to take it personally..ie...Why does he need to look at that? Is there something wrong w/ me? Get it? Hope this helps...Good luck!

[Art_Critic]

I don't think I can help you because you were not supposed to look at porn in the first place. Your wife is pregnant with your baby and what you do is watch porn on the internet.

 

Oh come on.. that is high horse material..

A guy can look at porn with his wife being pregnant and not be a deviant

 

I don't think her being hurt and now can't trust you has anything to do with porn.

 

It has everything to do with not keeping your word.

If you said you were not going to watch or look at porn then you needed to stick to your word..

Because she just learned your word is basically worthless on things now you are going to have to prove to her that your word is good.

 

From now on keep your word.. and if you can't do what they want than you need to assert yourself and make it known and not do it behind her back.

 

I would think with her being pregnant and her emotions being touchy that you need to do something big in order to apologize..

Flowers and tell her how sorry you are for not keeping your word..

 

and for god sakes... use your imagination and just go wack off in the bathroom next time..

[alphamale]

I just need some advice please.. ...

well S89R.... you either need to password protect your computer or create you own private profile on it.

[IpAncA]

I can understand why she's mad. You said you wouldn't do it, she trusted you, and you did it anyway.

 

Basically you lied and she may have a hard time trusting you because of that. She has no way of knowing for sure if you stopped going on there or if you just deleted the history.

 

Her mind might even wander around thinking what else you said wouldn't do and did it anyway regardless of how she felt. Not saying that's the case but it's known to happen.

[Super89Rex]

Well, I understand how she would feel completely about this; I shouldn;t have promised this in the first place. I've been 100% honest and upfront about everything with her, it was just this thing. And it's not like I'm addicted to porn or anything, this was the first time in weeks; and it has been a while since we did anything because of her not feeling up to it.. I feel horribly guilty, I just want to know what I can START doing NOW to fix this; lf it is even fixable?

[IpAncA]

Keep your word and don't make promises you can't keep. And if you can't keep this one which you've proved then don't make that promise again.

 

I would be honest with her and talk about it. Don't put this on the back burner and hope it will go away.

 

I don't have anything specific to suggest. Your going to have to prove your word means something.

[LakesideDream]

Like almost every woman, your wife keeps a "Book of Wrongs" on you. Everything from not liking her 2nd cousin, to complaining about colors running in the laundry is in it.

 

She just wrote in a BIGGIE in Red ink. Now you are a deviant Porn Junkie, who would rather look at porn than her pregnant body. That's a load you will carry throughout your relationship.

 

Understand that you need to avoid these situations. Generally women HATE porn, magazine or internet. All you need to do is read the chronic porn threads on LS to realize this. Porn affects more relationships than you can imagine.

 

Women believe that men who look at porn are constantly comparing their SO to the images. It isn't true, they just believe it. These same woman often read Romance novels, and watch WE and Lifetime on the tube. They don't see the relevance. A question for you... can you figure out what women see in "Fabio"? From behind the guy just looks like a big girl. It doesen't matter though. Remember, what women fantasize about is OK, what you fantasize about is NEVER OK unless it's exclusively about them. Not making any judgement here, just an observation.

 

To stay in a relationship it's best to keep away from Porn completely. Your fantasies are not the same as a womans.

 

BTW, before you ask... NEVER, NEVER, NEVER go to a strip club. This includes "Business Lunches, Nights Out, and Batchlor Parties. Don't go Period! Strip clubs and strippers are harbingers of DOOM. Besides being expensive, they create whole chapters of dread in that "Book of Wrongs".

[climbergirl]

Like almost every woman, your wife keeps a "Book of Wrongs" on you. Everything from not liking her 2nd cousin, to complaining about colors running in the laundry is in it.

 

She just wrote in a BIGGIE in Red ink. Now you are a deviant Porn Junkie, who would rather look at porn than her pregnant body. That's a load you will carry throughout your relationship.

 

Understand that you need to avoid these situations. Generally women HATE porn, magazine or internet. All you need to do is read the chronic porn threads on LS to realize this. Porn affects more relationships than you can imagine.

 

Women believe that men who look at porn are constantly comparing their SO to the images. It isn't true, they just believe it. These same woman often read Romance novels, and watch WE and Lifetime on the tube. They don't see the relevance. A question for you... can you figure out what women see in "Fabio"? From behind the guy just looks like a big girl. It doesen't matter though. Remember, what women fantasize about is OK, what you fantasize about is NEVER OK unless it's exclusively about them. Not making any judgement here, just an observation.

 

To stay in a relationship it's best to keep away from Porn completely. Your fantasies are not the same as a womans.

 

BTW, before you ask... NEVER, NEVER, NEVER go to a strip club. This includes "Business Lunches, Nights Out, and Batchlor Parties. Don't go Period! Strip clubs and strippers are harbingers of DOOM. Besides being expensive, they create whole chapters of dread in that "Book of Wrongs".

 

WOW!! Whole lotta generalizations you got going on in this post.

 

You are right about Fabio looking like a big girl, though.

[alphamale]

Remember, what women fantasize about is OK, what you fantasize about is NEVER OK unless it's exclusively about them. Not making any judgement here, just an observation..

why doesn't he just castrate himself and hand his testicles to her on a platter?

 

personally I think he should do what ever he wants (within reason) because if he starts to do whatever she wants then she'll lose respect for him and then the relationship is OVER...

[tanbark813]

why doesn't he just castrate himself and hand his testicles to her on a platter?

 

personally I think he should do what ever he wants (within reason) because if he starts to do whatever she wants then she'll lose respect for him and then the relationship is OVER...

 

I think LD meant that tongue-in-cheek.

[Art_Critic]

personally I think he should do what ever he wants (within reason) because if he starts to do whatever she wants then she'll lose respect for him and then the relationship is OVER...

 

From now on keep your word.. and if you can't do what they want than you need to assert yourself and make it known and not do it behind her back.

 

I think you are right Alpha to a point..Although he can't run over her feelings in the relationship but I said the same thing as you did in an earlier post..

[LakesideDream]

Seriously folks, take a look at all the "Porn" threads on LS. Most have triple digit post counts. That's a pretty big sample to use to judge.

 

Obviously there was a tinge of scarcasm in my post. However.. I maintain that it was based on personal experiance, observation of friends relationships, and reading/contributing to LoveShack.

 

After the disaster I lived through with a 25 year marriage blowing up.. I have learned many things. In no order: No Porn while in a relationship while you live with another person. Don't have close friends of the opposite sex. Keep your eyes and ears open. If something seems odd, YOU write it down, and look at it the next day... still seem odd?

 

Maybe most important in the 21st century. DO NOT SHARE a computer. Password protect yours, suggest she does the same (or vis-versa). The same is true about cel phones, although my experiance is only observational. My divorce was six years ago and out cel phones didn't have the capabity of storing a long history. I never thought to look, and I doubt she did either.

[Art_Critic]

I think each relationship is different from the next or the previous.

 

The GF I have now loves porn.. videos or on the internet.. I have dated more than a few that WANTED to watch porn..

I also was married to a woman that didn't like porn and she was disgusted that people even look at nudes of celebrities.

 

If one person in the relationship has a problem with porn then both have the problem.

 

But in the OP's issue he lied to her about his need to look at porn and also lied about never looking at it again.

 

In order for him and his wife/GF to have a good relationship they have to be on the same page and they weren't

[Rhyla]

For one: don't tell her that you wont look at porn if you don't mean it. You lied. She has every right to be upset.

[Rhyla]

well S89R.... you either need to password protect your computer or create you own private profile on it.

 

terrible advice. if you have to lie or hide things from your partner, you're in a relationship you shouldnt be in.

[Rhyla]

why doesn't he just castrate himself and hand his testicles to her on a platter?

 

personally I think he should do what ever he wants (within reason) because if he starts to do whatever she wants then she'll lose respect for him and then the relationship is OVER...

 

Personally, I would lose respect if my partner refused to respect my feelings, lied and went behind my back. You act like you know how females work, but you dont have a clue alpha, which makes most of your advice useless.

[kimberlyk]

you either need to password protect your computer or create you own private profile on it.

 

That was just horrible advice, she would only wonder why he password protected it and assume the worst...nothing would get accomplished this way.

 

 

terrible advice. if you have to lie or hide things from your partner, you're in a relationship you shouldnt be in.

 

I AGREE COMPLETELY!

[alphamale]

terrible advice. if you have to lie or hide things from your partner, you're in a relationship you shouldnt be in.

who said to hide it or lie about it? all I said is he should privatize his computer...

 

That was just horrible advice, she would only wonder why he password protected it and assume the worst...nothing would get accomplished this way.

see comment above...

[lovelorcet]

who said to hide it or lie about it? all I said is he should privatize his computer...

 

 

see comment above...

 

 

 

Yup, a computer is something personal and even though I have nothing to hide I don't need someone looking through my account.

[LakesideDream]

I would have my computer "locked down" before cohabiting with a member of the opposite sex. I'm a bit older than most here, so my reasons may less understandable to some.

 

Falling in love, being in love is great. However.. been there and done that. I have personal, and financial inforrmation on my machine. I use both software and hardware firewalls to keep it safe from strangers. I currently do not have it password protected... but I do use the MS password when I have houseguests that might ask to access my local lan.

 

In my case (were the question to come up) I would just keep my security intact. If an "SO" wanted to know why, I would correctly say my "personal, and financial data are all there" and leave it at that.

 

I doubt a person who just "moved in" or that I might be lucky enough to marry would question it. If they did... major alarm bells would go off in my head. Hiding "porn" would be the least of my concerns.

[outofdarkness]

I would have my computer "locked down" before cohabiting with a member of the opposite sex. I'm a bit older than most here, so my reasons may less understandable to some.

 

Falling in love, being in love is great. However.. been there and done that. I have personal, and financial inforrmation on my machine. I use both software and hardware firewalls to keep it safe from strangers. I currently do not have it password protected... but I do use the MS password when I have houseguests that might ask to access my local lan.

 

In my case (were the question to come up) I would just keep my security intact. If an "SO" wanted to know why, I would correctly say my "personal, and financial data are all there" and leave it at that.

 

I doubt a person who just "moved in" or that I might be lucky enough to marry would question it. If they did... major alarm bells would go off in my head. Hiding "porn" would be the least of my concerns.

Well, you had some good points. In my situation, I had to totally take control of everything..Personal AND financial...There was absolutely no trust after D day, and he had managed to squander away most of our nest egg. I too, am most likely alittle older then most on here, although it is hard to tell. We have gotten to the point; it's been 2.5 years, where I share all of the financial info with him, but I am extremely careful to keep my control and check everything weekly..He seems happy w/ this arrangements, as I don't think that he really trusts himself yet..So, I guess every situation is unique...I DONT share my passwords and neither does he.. BUT as far as I know he only has one e mail account and that is work..I ask him at random times if I can check his laptop..Now, there may be more e mail accounts that he has, but not on the home comp...I have spectorsoft on here and see all that is done on it...The laptop is for work and so far, I have not seen anything outside of work on it..Aside from the occasional e mail from a long distance male friend or family..

[Citizen Erased]

I know I will just be talking to a brick wall, but here I go *deep breath*

 

MEN: If you know that during a relationship with a woman that you will still look at porn, be upfront about it. Because this issue doesn't go away. I would bet that half of the threads on here about Porn issues in a relationship and generally the relationships are rotten. Because there is no trust. Because men seem to think that the easy way out is to just promise they will never do it again, hang their heads in shame etc and then a day later go and do it again. You have gone straight to being a liar. Lying seems to be in fact the worse thing about the whole porn issue.

 

Word of advice. If you need to sneak around, lock your computer, delete history etc then you REALLY need to look at your relationship. Fact is if one person in the relationship has the problem then it is a problem for the both of you. I really do think that honesty is the best policy in this case, because there is no point in avoiding the issue until she finds out.

 

WOMEN: TELL YOUR PARTNER STRAIGHT AWAY IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PORN!!! I am, and I am sure I am not alone in this, getting sick of seeing those bloody "my husband looks at porn" threads over and over again. Face up to the fact that about 98% of singlemen look at porn. However, if you are upfront at the start of your relationship and the guy gives you the flick over it then HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU. Maybe make it say the.. 3month talk you should have in every relationship. Burying your head in the sand will not make you happy.

 

Another thing which I would suggest is to get some therapy for your jealousy issues, if that is really what deep down you are feeling. Men are not picturing these women when they have sex with you. They are not comparing you with these women. It is YOU who are comparing yourself with these women. Figure out why you have such issues and deal with them. You can not shield your partners eyes forever from other women...or men...

 

Okay. Now. OP. Bad form honey. Bad form. She is pregnant and you look at porn... you know she has a problem and you keep doing it when she has all those hormones, swollen feet, extra weight, and is facing the prospect of pushing out something the size of a melon out of a pea sized hole. You need to reassess how you deal with women honey because when your baby is born she is going to be a mess and you need to make her feel attractive and loved. At this point in time being confronted by this action is not good for her, and stress is not good for her. Just think of her for the time being.

 

Good luck