What is the next move?

[McFadden]

Recap since I have not been posting lately:

 

2.5 months ago boyfriend of around 6 months broke up with me, but continued talking to me. He firmly stated that he was over the relationship and wanted to be friends. We continued talking a lot for about a week but I was unhappy because I realized that things were not going in the direction of reconciliation. Then per advice of the forum I went completely NC without telling him beforehand.

 

He continued trying to contact me every day, after about a week he became angry and came over to find out what was going on. I didn't like that he just showed up. The situation become very offensive, there was a scene, and I wouldn't talk to him so he left.

 

The next day I wrote him an unnecessarily rude letter telling him how angry I was, and that I did not ever want to be friends with him and not to contact me. He stopped contacting me, but one week later we both had to appear at a party that had been planned before the breakup. We completely ignored each other and it went smoothly.

 

A few days later he was going on a camping trip for almost 2 weeks. The day before he left he sent a voice mail with dramatic music in the background telling me that if I ever wanted to talk to him again, now was the last time, and that he would leave me alone and never give me a chance to talk to him after he came back from the trip. After much consideration and internal debate, I didn't reply. He left, during the 2 weeks while he was camping, there was no communication (he had no access to a phone or computer.)

 

Today he got back and first thing he texted me just saying "hey!" I don't know what is going on- he sounded so dramatic and final when he said he was only giving me one more chance to talk, and now he is acting like he doesn't remember that. My sensibilities are so offended, what is all this bs. He has been saying he wants to talk for weeks. Things could be going in one direction or the other. Either he realized he likes me still/again and there is a chance of reconciliation, or, he just wants to stay friends and keep me on a string. How am I supposed to know which. Should I continue NC? Or has it been enough, should I see what he wants?

[oppath]

The finality he issued was a manipulation strategy. He's human. He's young. I was in the same situation with my ex...I didn't want the bridges to be completely burned since we'll run into each other, but when she asked for FWB, and didn't tell me her ex proposed to her just before dumping me...I reacted and gave her the impression I want nothing to do with her ever. Of course I was the one dumped and further hurt. Despite what she did to me, however, I'm open to friendship maybe, a year down the line . I offended her sensibilities because I made it clear "this is my last goodbye" but did express a desire to reconcile before I leave town, expressing forgiveness of her, apologizing for my own harsh words and crossed lines, and parting on good terms (I am going out of town for 6 months). I was ignored. It hurt.

 

Your ex likely feels guilt. He may not feel he is stringing you along. He should understand that your letter was a reaction to your pain and shock of how he acted.

 

However, I'm still shocked at the immaturity of your ex (and mine). Despite him contacting you, he hasn't said "I'm sorry for x,y,z and understand you were hurt. I understand showing up at your house freaked you out. I don't want us to be on bad terms and eventually would like to be friends even if you can't right now, or at least friendly if we are around together. It would mean a lot to me if you could briefly talk about this."

 

He hasn't said anything like that. He hasn't acknowledged he did anything wrong in hurting you or acting like he did. If he did that, instead of just saying "this is your last chance to talk to me," I feel you would be receptive, correct?

 

I ask you, what do YOU WANT? It sounds to me you might like to reconcile. You can't read his mind so you don't know what he wants. You are both what, 18? Can you handle speaking to him, or would it set you back if he doesn't want to get back together? I'm guessing he doesn't but feels guilty and bad that you won't have anything to do with him, and he is expressing his guilt by trying to be friends. This is a tough situation. Personally, I'd talk to him. I'd lower his defenses by saying "sorry if I was cold to you before (even though you have nothing to apologize for) and haven't responded to you. It was too soon to be friends and I was really hurt when you just showed up at my house as you did. It really freaked me out and I needed some space." This opens the door for him to apologize to you, say he understands, and ask for what he wants.

 

I'm sure someone else will say "walk away. NC." I'm not sure it matters. You are both young, you will have other relationships...I view this as a good time to learn some assertiveness skills. This likely won't be the first time in your life an ex, or someone you had a falling out with, tries to contact you. Personally, I feel ignoring someone is a bit passive, even though you did tell him not to speak to you. I don't feel you should reconcile with him romantically, in my opinion, but the demise of this relationship isn't the end of the world. You can't be friends, but perhaps you could be friendly. Enough time has passed that your emotions are rational whereas before they were too raw.

[McFadden]

Thank you for taking time to respond. You're right, I want to reconcile, I have always wanted to reconcile. I don't know what is going on from his side because he will not put anything out there until I agree to talk. I am guessing that is why he hasn't apologized. Usually just says "hey" or "can we talk" and if I don't reply he keeps repeating that. If I did talk to him I'm sure he would apologize. But I don't care, I am over that incident where his behavior made me mad. I don't know why he is not over it.

 

I don't think he feels guilty. He subtly had his friend talk to me and try to find out how I feel about it. I told the friend that I'm not mad or upset at all, I don't care about that incident and I just don't want to talk to the ex, he doesn't need to apologize, end or story. And the friend told my ex that. But still, the contact did not stop. If someone I was not interested in romantically didn't want to talk to me I would try a few times and then leave them alone, regardless of whatever had happened.

 

He is an offensive person but also timid in some ways, it's hard to explain. He won't put forth his feelings until he is sure the other person is willing to hear him. That is why I am afraid if there is a chance he is considering getting back together it will ruin it if I don't talk to him. The only reason I am still in NC is because I'm afraid that if I start talking to him he will get back on to the friends idea. He will chat all the time and tell me everything, it will be so annoying. I only want to have dealings with him if he wants to reconcile.

 

Ftr, why do you feel that we should not reconcile romantically? Do you think that about all relationships that break up or specifically this one?

[Guest]

Yes, he wants you. He doesn't know what he's suppose to do. Be nice. Return his call if you want him.

[oppath]

Well McFadden, the reason I think you should let go and not reconcile, and don't take this personally, is because you are so young. Not all relationships are permanent. The chances of things working out with this guy long term are slimmer than slim, and if you were to get back together, by the time you are older (22 let's say), you will be such different people than you are now. I've always felt that learning how to heal, move on, and experience intimacy with someone new is part of growing as a person. I'm 27 and this is how I choose to view my ex. I am painfully learning and growing. It sucks. But in the end, I will be better for it, and I know there will be someone better for me in the future. Like you, I'd prefer to have my ex in my life than not have her, because I had so much fun with her and enjoyed the intimacy and sex. It would be fun to have those things even if I knew it wouldn't work out, but I had a life before her, and I have a life without her. There will be other women.

 

I would view your 6 month relationship as a success, not a failure. You were able to achieve intimacy and sustain a relationship for what is not a long time, but NOT a trivially short time either. That is a success. I feel you've handled the breakup pretty well all things considering, and that is a success too. Do I want my ex back? Of course, but it wouldn't be the same. I want the thrill of meeting someone new and have the entire story to tell without anything negative. I choose to slowly emerge from pain and eventually find that person.

 

You'll probably have many relationships and several heartbreaks in the future . You'll probably break a heart or two too. All of those things are pleasant, painful, but ultimately shape you (not define you) as a person. You grow through your experiences, and my personal opinion, being 18, is that you should look forward to new experiences.

[McFadden]

Ooo I like Guest. But I can't get my hopes up.

 

Lately everyone has told me that I'm being rude and inconsiderate not to let him speak to me, and that I'm getting an ego boost from the attention. After the showdown incident people were on my side, but now it has turned around. All of his friends have vilified me. Even my own mother thinks I am taking it too far and feels bad for HIM, they have talked on the phone. He is the one who broke up with me, I think I have every right not to talk to him especially after I asked him not to contact me. Why is everyone in my life on his side?

 

I don't know whether to talk to him. I have been ruminating about this for days, it shouldn't be this hard. Thank god for LS to rant on. I'm sorry if everyone who has replied feels like I am ignoring your advice by not doing anything. It's just that there is always opposite advice and I ultimately have to decide what to do by myself, I am a slow thinker.

[McFadden]

If people who were 90 were having a bad relationship I think they should stay separated. It's never too late to start a new relationship. If the people are 18 and there is a chance that it will work out I don't think the fact that they are 18 should veto the entire thing. My grandparents got married when they were 16 and 18. My parents met when they were 17 and 20 and are still together.

 

The relationship was good for 5 months and started going bad for the last month. I think he backed away too fast because he is not experienced with the fact that no relationship is perfect all the time. I strongly feel that he may be realizing I am the right person for him, we really had/have a bond. I know the relationship can't be the way it was because its overcast by the breakup. It got really dramatic (probably because of the age) but nothing bad really happened. If he had called me a name or egged my car or something I would not consider getting back together with him but he hasn't taken it to that level. I am not going to chase him but if he is willing to reconcile I may be open to that.

[norajane]

You know, if you are spending all this time wondering if you should talk to him, it's hardly helping you get over him or heal. So NC isn't working for you because he's still constantly on your mind, only now it's because you're wondering what he has to say.

 

I say just go ahead and talk to him. Find out what he has to say. At this point, I don't think you'll be able to let it go and move on unless you talk to him.

[McFadden]

I don't think I'm that obsessed with it. I just like talking about it. for the last 2 weeks I didn't think about it 95% of the time, until he decided to contact me yesterday.

[shockandawed]

I agree with Nora on this one,

 

You aren't going to have any peace until you find out what he wants. I think if you are prepared and let him do the talking, you might be ok. I know you are afraid of him just dangling a friend carrot, but you can control that.

 

I understand the fear of not having the door open wide enough. But if they want it opened, they will find a way. He may be doing that.

 

Control the situation, you want either a relationship or nothing. Friends isn't an option. Make sure if you give him the opportunity, you let him do the talking, and you stay in control. If he doesn't give you the relationship you want, then go back into NC. You will least have resolved your questions on his intentions.

[McFadden]

I think he closed the door on future communication this morning. I talked to him on the phone when he called and was ready to let him do the talking and apologize. Instead he basically said that he thinks I won't talk to him because I'm afraid of him. But it was the arrogant, cocky way he said it that I didn't like, as if he is proud that his behavior is so psycho that it scares peple. I'm not afraid of him, I just didn't feel like talking to him. I can't even believe he is delusional and conceited enough to interpret the situation that way. So I hung up, and now once again he doesn't understand why I am mad. He thinks I'm being a 'complicated woman.' Actually I don't see what is complicated, this would irritate anyone. He is a delusional conceited loser and clueless about how to interact with people.

[Shadowdog36]

Try to have some empathy and think about things from both sides.

 

If this is really how you feel, then I guess you're done with him, right? If not, and this is a knee jerk reaction to what you were expecting him to say, then just take a step back for a moment.

 

This guy broke up with you, realized that perhaps he made a mistake, and tried to reconcile. You shut him out and refused to contact him.

 

What were we saying before, about how total no contact may give the other person the wrong idea of what you're thinking/doing? And what happened? He misinterpreted what was going on and how you felt. Can you blame him? Sounds like you left him in the dark, and he was forced to draw his own conclusions.

 

The ego thing is a defense mechanism. I don't know this guy, and I've never spoken to him, but even I can see that.

 

Plus, it sounds like you're still a little confused yourself. In almost the same breath, you contradict yourself...

 

"...his behavior is so psycho that it scares people. I'm not afraid of him..."

 

See? I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just making sure that you're really doing what you want.

[McFadden]

I'm not that happy right now, he always pisses me off. Especially when I finally give him a chance to talk and he owed me an apology and instead he is being arrogant as usual and acting like he knows everything.

 

You can't really understand how this is unless you know this guy. Lets just say he is always arrogant, always tries to put himself in control, and always jumps to conclusions and thinks he knows what others are thinking. I don't know why I expected otherwise, I never should have talked to him today.

[McFadden]

This guy is infuriating to the extreme. He barely gets along with anyone except his few pathetic clueless wimp friends, he eventually pisses everyone off.

[Shadowdog36]

Well then it sounds like you know what you want.

 

This guy sounds young, and not quite ready to be a real man. There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and it sounds like he's definitely crossed it.

 

Try this the next time you talk to him, if there is a next time. Be as sweet as sugar to him, not in a loving way, but like a waitress in a diner working for a better tip. Get my meaning? Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that his attitude is getting to you. You're great, wonderful in fact, and nothing could bother you. Be aloof and don't pick a fight anymore and don't discuss the relationship. If he insists on talking about it, let him know that there's nothing left to discuss, and that his attitude has assured you that you're making the right decision for yourself.

 

Just remember this feeling a couple days from now, a week from now, or whenever that mood strikes you to maybe see how he's doing.

 

Keep me posted!

[McFadden]

He wanted to be FRIENDS:sick:. He didn't even offer fwb. Just friends. And that's why he has been bothering me. I told him were never even that good of friends anyway, I was just hanging out with him because I was trying to get with him, but he was under a different impression. He said he misses my sense of humor and talking to me about the stuff we used to talk about and bla blah. He is really offended that I did not value the friendship and he did or something.

 

I told him I don't want to be friends with him and he actually said "no", he said he refused to go away until I tell him we are still friends and it's just a break. Why does he think he can call all the shots? I told him no, not only am I not friends with him, I never want to be, and I don't want to be friendly with him or talk to him at all and I don't even like him as a friend. And he left shouting that if thats how I want it fine, he is my enemy, and he will make me live to regret this.

[Shadowdog36]

The more you talk about this guy, the more you make me think he's a 10 year old, trying to get his way. You told him no, and now he's throwing a temper tantrum.

 

It really sounds like your attitude has changed quite a bit since the beginning of this thread. I'd say that you are officially in the drivers seat with regards to this 'relationship' if you could call it that anymore. Continue to stay strong (remember who has the 'balls') and keep in mind that this guy will probably change his strategy at this point. He's tried ultimatums, he's tried being the dominant male, my guess is that he'll either get the hint and leave you alone, or he'll become this super nice guy that you barely recognize.

 

Just keep in mind his comment about making you regret your decision, and, for your own sanity, eliminate this guy from your life. You've been extremely forgiving and understanding, and he hasn't grown at all.

 

Too bad for him, you sound like a good person.