got back together but still cant trust because

[temptris33]

My bf and I decided to get back together and work on our issues. Trust/jealousy/insecurity that we both have. I started counceling not for just this, but for my well being. Anyways, we had a longggg talk and agreed on the clean slate...ie: trust. Its easier for me this time to let myself want to trust him. I really wanted to give him all my trust....but last night..I asked him why he never brings his cell phone up to the apt when he spends the night. (His mom called the other morning on my house phone at 6 am to tell him something about work and said she couldn't get him on his cell) This is why I asked. He said " Its because I dont want you to look through my phone and then get mad at some bull**** thing". I did look at his texts one time a while ago because I kept having an awful gut feeling about something.

 

As bad as that was to do and I felt awful for doing it but mad because this girl was texting him all sorts of things....I did tell him that I did it and he got really mad. That was then. So, with getting back together I did mention to him that it would be nice and expected that if a girl is texting him to just maybe mention that "my gf gets uncomfortable when I get textes from another girl and to stop texting " or something to that effect. I can see if it was his good friend but this is a random girl. ANYWAYS we talked about the texting thing and he said that he hasn't been getting any textes from anyone since that time........hmmmmmmm then why must he get defensive when we talked about it last night and he is deliberately keeping his phone from me. Honestly, I have no desire to snoop in it again. It only hurt me and I dont want to be like that. I have told him that too. I only thought maybe his bringing his phone up with him would make it easier for him to get his business calls about cancellations for the days work....dunno. I thought I would be able to trust him again and all that but this little cell phone thing is really bugging me. Why would he insist on keeping the cell away from me? If he has nothing to hide, then hide nothing...wouldn't he want to make me feel like I could 100 percent trust him on everything? I dont know if this is going to work out.

 

What do you think on all this? Is it a red flag to you? Should I worry about it? Thank you in advance for any advice you can offer me.

[temptris33]

sorry. I need to add one other thing. We also talked about the jealousy thing....my best friend and I went to the ocean for the day and night. This was about a week and half into the break up. She and i just wanted to get away and have fun. She's married.

 

My bf called me about 4 times that night when I was down there...all concerned about who was talking to me and yada yada...wanting me to call when I got back to the hotel and bla bla...

 

When i got back home the next day he came over and grilled me over and over about who talked to me and all that....we were broken up. I got business cards from two guys and i told him this. One of the guys has some possible work for me...a huge job. Anyways, the other day my bf went into my purse and got out the business card and called the guy!!!! Can u believe this. He said that he chickened out and didn't ask him anything and made him think it was a billing call. I was so disugsted that he did this.

 

So, there you have all of it. The cell phone (above) and this. I dont know if this relationship is a lost cause. I dont want to be put through this stuff. i thought it would get better and we'd work on stuff. Its actually feeling worse.

 

HELP

[Guest]

I think you've just answered you question. I agree with you.

[daphne]

I have opposing thoughts about this. One thought is that when someone gets really jealous, they are usually afraid that your'e up to what they're up to. This has been my experience with only one exception. An ex's ex wife cheated on him and I was pretty understanding so I just had to give up all of my male friends. He would never have cheated on anyone.

 

However, you didn't mention what was in the texts from this other girl. It appears that he was doing what he may have thought was harmless flirting (he probably won't admit it as such but he was in a relationship and she wasn't one of his friends so he knows what he was doing). And he feels he's a free agnet. He is. However, it doesn't sound like he's doing a whole lot to reassure you. I can't get a real feel for whether or notyour'e paranoid or he's capable of cheating.

 

Do you often mistrust your partners and check up on them? Is this the first, second or third time? What was it that made you have that "gut feeling" to check his cell phone? I would say more often than not the gut feeling is right, however you didn't mention anything incriminating in the texts. If I had to say honestly what I think it is, just from what you've posted, I think it's more you than him.

 

I think that for your sanity, you're going to have to trust him for now and watch what he does. Also, you're going to have to learn to trust yourself to handle it if you found out he cheated or does cheat. Go with your gut, but try to be a bit rational. Easier said than done, but you can't watch him 24/7. And if you don't learn how to do this in this relationship, I have a feeling this may follow you elsewhere.

[norajane]

As bad as that was to do and I felt awful for doing it but mad because this girl was texting him all sorts of things....I did tell him that I did it and he got really mad.

So when you looked at his texts before, there was another girl who was texting him frequently and she was flirting? Or being obviously sexual?

 

Then, sorry, but he doesn't get a pass just because you snooped. He WAS texting with her, and there was something for you to be jealous about since he should not be texting with other girls when he has a girlfriend.

 

Unless he's willing to be an open book at this point - including letting you look through his phone - then he's not making an effort to win back your trust. Don't know how you can rebuild trust if he's not going to even try to reassure you. Can you get him to go to counseling with you? I don't see this as you just being paranoid jealous. H'es not helping things at all.

[temptris33]

Thanks for getting back to me. I appreciate all the help I get. The text said "sorry I couldn't hang out an hour longer and let me know when you can" and then another was sent at about 3 am saying Happy New Year. Ok. This was just in the wake of his fathers suicide....he said the girls father had passed away a year earlier and she was being consoling (with the texts). He said that he ran into her at the cafe and she couldn't stay cuz she had to go....then text him that after she left. I know its probably nothing.....(I'm minimizing the problem...) but that was his explanation. How consoling is it to get a happy new year text????!!!??? I stopped looking at those two.

 

That was the 2nd time I looked at his phone. The first time was when we were together about a year and after a drunken night out with his friends ( I didnt go) he had a Bof A business card with a phone number on the back. Well, the phone number was his ex ( I didn't know it was her til I checked). Soooooo with my suspicions going nuts....one day while he ran into the store..he left his phone and I checked it....lots of texts from the ex and back to the ex and even a picture taken with his phone of her recently. He said his sister took it......ummm ok....she has a phone. They were at dinner where the ex had worked and he said his sister took his phone and took the picture....well, all this kind of made me upset so I talked to him about it and I asked him to call her and ask that she not text him or calll him cuz it makes me uncomfortable....he said he wouldn't. Sooooo that was a long time ago.

 

Can you see why i get suspicious? Yes it was the 2nd time I snooped in the phone. I just wanted to see what he was up to. So, now he doesn't bring his phone up and tells me he wont. He shouldn't have to do that if there is nothing to hide. Honestly I dont have any desire to look any more. I want to trust him but this is kind of throwing a dent into things. I would like him to go to counceling with me and I think he might, I dont know. I do love him but these past couple incidents with him getting totally obnoxiously jealous and insecure made it fade a little. I dont know if I should try to work on things or chaulk it up to experience and move on....I dont know.

[daphne]

Although I don't think it's cool that he's texting some random chick, I don't see anything awfully condemning. Of course he's not going to tell her not to text him. How can he explain it? He could ignore her. That's what he should have said if he saw that it bothered you so much. But it sounds like he's digging his heels in because he hasn't really done anything wrong at this point (from what I can gather).

 

I think perhaps you have overreacted and he's being stubborn because he doesn't see your point of view. If you can't communicate and reach a tolerable compromise, I don't think it's going \to work out. You can't just keep makinghim jealous to let him know how it feels. You guys will be at an impasse. It depends on whether you want to work this out or win a competition.

[temptris33]

Thank you for the reply..although I haven't done anything intentionally to ever make him jealous.....nor have I ever done anything to ever have him mis trust me. I dont play those games. I do think that you are right that he may be digging his feet in, and being stubborn. I just dont think him being/acting secretive is going to do any good. For whatever reason. I'm going to stick it out and really give this another go. this will be the last time I do this tho. At least if we break up again I will know that I tried 100 percent. Thanks for your help.