Erik Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Hang on to this guy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author its only me Posted March 21, 2007 Author Share Posted March 21, 2007 Thanks, that is my feelings too! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 I am glad it turned out good for you, guys. People make mistakes - it's human. And people forgive - it's humane. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 He said he is so angry at himself because if the tables were turned around he would be so hurt and can only imagine how I feel and that kills him inside. Sometimes reflection can be very enlightening. ... and it might be a good solution as a last resort. He would get his (slef-)punishment and she would get her revenge. I would go further than kissing in my rveenge though... Link to post Share on other sites
Author its only me Posted March 22, 2007 Author Share Posted March 22, 2007 I don't think I could cheat on or attempt to cheat for revenge. Link to post Share on other sites
moredeborah Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 This has never happened to me, but I have done this to someone. In my opinion, I think you should leave him... BUT you two have been married for over 20 years and that does take a lot of work and I understand that. Things will happen during a long marriage and if you love each other you'll find a way to work it out. You're supposed to. I think you should continue with what you're doing and if other people ask about your old friends, just tell them that you've drifted apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 I would just like to bust in and say that I was wondering if perhaps your husband was trying to get you to divorce him? Not likely but anything is possible. To be honest I wondered the same thing. Here's the thing, he didn't do it only once. He did it a few times that you *know of*. It is possible that there are other times, or that he went further then he is telling you. If he truely felt "guilty" or "hurt" himself by the way he treated you the first time he cheated, he would never have done it the second time. Someone who is honestly sorry for their actions, don't engage in the same hurtful action again. Someone who honestly ,loves, respects and cares for their partner, does not engage in repeat behavior that they know hurts the other person. I understand mistakes and temptation. But this is repeat mistakes after another. Only *you* teach people who to treat you. And I think you are teaching him to treat you poorly to be honest. He did something hurtful and disgusting,and he really had no reprocussions in it all. He got to play around with another woman's breast AND he got your forgiveness. I am not saying that when someone cheats you shouldn't forgive the person and work on the relationship. However, from what I am reading and my own understanding, you have been too eager in accepting his pleas for forgiveness and behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Any person who called themselves my friend would not be making out with my husband. You should have cut your friendship with this woman after the first hot tub incident. She is not your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author its only me Posted April 8, 2007 Author Share Posted April 8, 2007 Thank you all for your replies and yes I have thought about what each of you had said. As for him wanting a divorce, I did offer it. I have a department within my work that I can do just that. (saves time and $$ from going through the state) I told him that we can go right over there and fill out the papers, and if all are clear and direct with what and how we are going to split and how the kids are going to be then it can be over in a month. He does not want this. (whew) I also just found out he has started going to counseling on his own. Trying to cope with why and how come he did what he did. He hates himself when he thinks about the times he touched her. He hates the fact that I said I would give him a divorce. He does not want that to happen. His counseling sessions have told him to be honest with me and himself, talking to someone is helping him. And nothing more than what he told me the first time has come out. I really believe him when he said that was all that happened between them. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted April 8, 2007 Share Posted April 8, 2007 Thank you all for your replies and yes I have thought about what each of you had said. As for him wanting a divorce, I did offer it. I have a department within my work that I can do just that. (saves time and $$ from going through the state) I told him that we can go right over there and fill out the papers, and if all are clear and direct with what and how we are going to split and how the kids are going to be then it can be over in a month. He does not want this. (whew) I also just found out he has started going to counseling on his own. Trying to cope with why and how come he did what he did. He hates himself when he thinks about the times he touched her. He hates the fact that I said I would give him a divorce. He does not want that to happen. His counseling sessions have told him to be honest with me and himself, talking to someone is helping him. And nothing more than what he told me the first time has come out. I really believe him when he said that was all that happened between them. Starting counseling on his own is a tremendous step. Most men drag their feet when asked let alone going on their own. And he didn't just talk about it, he did it. Good for him and good for you. His therapy may reach a point when you must become a part of it so I hope you are willing -- I can bet that you are. He sounds like he is really being sincere about his grief and shame. It sounds like the two of you will probably stick with it and make it through this. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted April 8, 2007 Share Posted April 8, 2007 Apparently your husband feels awful about what he has done, he was open and honest about it, and I think it's the booze and his instinct that trapped him into a sinful behavior. He has shown remorse and things happened in a drinken state - he didn't mean to cheat on you or hurt you, although he did. I believe he is not attracted to her when sober so this is not about desiring her and not loving you. I have a lot of experience with being drunk and I can confirm that I've done stupid things in a drunken state. I've kissed people that I'd never kiss otherwise and a few times I got drunk on purpose so I can have sex with guys I wasn't particularly attracted to (but I was desperate for sex so I wanted to go for it). Alcohol does change our perceptions, tastes, ability to think rationally, behave properly, and - most of all - sex makes us horny like hell. When a person cheats in a heavily intoxicated state, but normally wouldn't cheat, it's 90% the substance's fault. Many people discard the influence of alsohol, but I'll explain. If a relationship has problems already, a man may not want to cheat, but under influence, the inhibitions go away, the beast surfaces, and he thinks with his dick. If someone is heavily drugged, you would understand that it's not their fault, right? Same thing with alcohol - it puts your brain to sleep and your body acts just like a brainless animal would in the same situation. You need to make sure that your "friend" and your husband are never again together, especially not alone. Apparently, they go further and further every time they connect. Don't even think of re-building your friendship with her. After all, she is not your friend if she could do things with your husband. Are you an alcoholic by any chance? No one is forced to drink. If you know that you are tempted to do wrong things when drunk, then you should not drink. Also if you genuinely love someone, you will not cheat on them even when drunk. I know because I've been a heavy drinker whilst in a relationship, if it's casual then it's easy to be tempted, but if you love someone then you have no interest even when stinking drunk. Imagine getting drunk then stepping into a car, you hit someone, then in court you say "Oh sorry your honour, it was the drink that made me run over that little old lady. It's not the real me." Or "Sorry, the only reason I beat that guy up is because I was drunk and I get angry really easily when I've had a few. I just wasn't myself as I smashed my fist into his face." Likewise "Sorry hubby but the only reason I had sex with that sleazeball is because I was drunk. It wasn't the normal me who was bouncing up and down on his d*ck, begging him to f*ck me harder." If the first two excuses are not accepted then why should the 3rd one be ok? It's the same with this woman's husband. The first time it happened, he should have told her (which he did - ok he gets some points for honesty) and then QUIT DRINKING. Instead he continued to drink, and continued to cheat - in fact escalating his cheating. Also instead of taking responsibility, he is making excuses like "sex is just sex, a marriage is emotional" (ok, so I guess he's cool if his wife sleeps around then?). Basically he wants to be able to get drunk, fool around with another woman, and then dismiss it and have his wife put up with his infidelities. If he loved her then he wouldn't act this way repeatedly. A one-off make-out that is confessed, that could be forgiven by her, but not multiple ones where it's getting worse each time. What is she going to do on the 4th occasion when she gives him oral, or the 5th where they have sex? How about when they start a full-blown affair? Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted April 8, 2007 Share Posted April 8, 2007 I don't think this kind of behavior is abnormal it happens to many people given the situation your put in. This needs to be discussed between the two and boundaries need to be drawn if they feel this could be a deal breaker in the relationship. I think the longer your in a relationship and the older you get, inhibitions start to fade and both parties think about sex with other people. I think that's only true when people fall out of love (i.e. they are no longer "in love" with each other). Genuine couples/marriages that continue to be in love with each other, don't get these feelings. Ask curmudgeon, or anyone else with a proper marriage, if his inhibitions have faded and he is considering having sex with others. Link to post Share on other sites
Wakeupcall Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 I went through this kind of situation a couple of years ago with a customer in my business although it didn't go this far or over any length of time. I was up front with my wife and it did send some shock waves through our marriage. It has had a positive effect because we chose to learn from it. Our love life has become even more intimate, sexy, and fun. Cutting off all contact is essential with "friends" like that. The drinking really needs to go...not a real good plan for dealing with tender wounds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author its only me Posted April 10, 2007 Author Share Posted April 10, 2007 I went through this kind of situation a couple of years ago with a customer in my business although it didn't go this far or over any length of time. I was up front with my wife and it did send some shock waves through our marriage. It has had a positive effect because we chose to learn from it. Our love life has become even more intimate, sexy, and fun. Cutting off all contact is essential with "friends" like that. The drinking really needs to go...not a real good plan for dealing with tender wounds. THANK YOU for your reply! I knew we were not the only ones going through something like this and I was hoping for someone to tell me they made it ok. The "friends" are no more, and I don't have contact through work either, (she finally got the hint and calls others in the office) and the drinking has stopped. Our marriage has still some very open and hurting wounds, but it has only been 2 1/2 months. My husband is working Hard to make things right. I am working hard to get passed this. with him going to counceling and talking, we are getting much better. Link to post Share on other sites
Wakeupcall Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 You all are going to make, I think. You have the ingredients here. There is a good little saying in sports that applies here..."a good defense is a good offense." Getting on the "offensive" and positively addressing the matter Together will make the difference. Purpose to fall in love all over again. My wife did just that. She decided not to be afraid of what could happen again. Instead she redoubled her efforts to make life fun and enjoyable. She would ask me about the situation from time to time, but not to condemn me...rather to learn from what I might have been attracted to. She really tried to learn from the situation and in turn I found myself wanting to do the same. Learning to take a negative and turn it into a positive is what maturity is all about. Anyone can divorce and throw in the towel. Look at the divorce rate today. We choose to beat those odds. You can too!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author its only me Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 quick update, a year later and a lot of talking and tears. It was worth the struggle to get through it all. We are making it. The calls from Her to Me do not happen. She calls ANYONE else in the office, even if it should come to me. No calls or texts have come from her or her husband to me or my husband. She did send him a text a few months back, asking how he was doin. My husband showed me as soon as he got it and was MAD. He did not reply and didn't recieve any more. If this happens to you and you truly love them, and they you.... work it out. I still have my emotional worries, but talk it through with him and he reassures me that I AM THE ONE HE LOVES, AND WANTS TO BE WITH. Link to post Share on other sites
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