Should I break NC? How?

[Faith2]

He broke up with me 3 months ago. As of today, I've been doing 4 weeks of total NC, which I announced in my last email to him, after 2 months of agony since the breakup. Here's our whole story, sorry it's so long...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113961/

 

To my complete surprise, one week ago he posted on a music forum about some important documents he found regarding my research project on my father's life and music. Since then, though, I've stubbornly stuck with NC (and my therapist is very impressed that I've been so strong), but of course I'm really DYING to know what these documents are! A couple of other members on the music forum replied to his post, and then he thanked them two days later, which bumped up the thread. Still I didn't reply. Maybe he thinks I haven't seen those postings at all, since he knows I don't always read that forum every single day. Or maybe he thinks I simply don't intend to ever talk to him again. But I'm having serious doubts about the wisdom of total NC in this case, because I really need access to whatever information about my father he has found, so I can keep going on my research project.

 

I know he cares deeply about the project, too. We worked together on it for over 2 years. He's a super researcher, and I really counted on his help. But in a way, it also seems like he's dangling this bit of info as bait for me to contact him. So, seeing as I was adamant about NC, how do I break it without looking weak? Should I wait to see if he contacts me directly with this new research information?

 

(And yes, in case you were wondering, I would love to get back together with him and I would love it if my research project would lead the way to reconcilation... BUT I am not counting on it.)

 

Please advise me...?

[Faith2]

Anyone...help? I'd be so grateful for some feedback.

 

Here's my dilemma: I don't want to destroy the healing I've done during these past 4 weeks of NC. I told him absolutely no email or phone contact any more. I was a total wreck a month ago, couldn't eat, sleep, or work, I missed work deadlines, looked like a zombie. Now I'm beginning to function again.... well, I'm still having restless nights, I keep dreaming of him and I wake up 4 or 5 times during the night in a cold sweat. At least in the daytime I'm able to work again.

 

But on the other hand, I don't want to miss important information about my father.

 

What's that saying..."cutting off your nose to spite your face"... Is that what I'm doing by clinging to NC?

[Trialbyfire]

NC is intended to help you strengthen and regain yourself, as an individual. It's not a torture test or should it be held onto for something that's unreasonable. If you feel strongly enough about your father's music, I would contact him. You will know if he starts to play games with you. If so, shut him down fast before you get entangled again.

[Faith2]

Thanks for your reply. I finally got up the nerve to break NC, and I emailed him yesterday - a short but sweet message, matter-of-factly asking for a copy of the documents, and I signed it "Many thanks" with my name.

 

He replied a day later (today) and wrote:

"Sorry for not replying earlier, I'm a bit under the weather these days. I

will send you the material I have this weekend." He signed it "All best" with his name.

 

He's being quite cool and business-like, don't you think? I'm don't know if he's really sick or if he's playing games. In bygone days, he'd be all over it right away. I haven't replied and I won't - I'll just wait to see when/if he actually sends me the documents.

 

Meanwhile, I'm trying hard not to go down the vortex of stressing/obsessing over it.

[CaliGuy]

He broke up with me 3 months ago. As of today, I've been doing 4 weeks of total NC, which I announced in my last email to him, after 2 months of agony since the breakup. Here's our whole story, sorry it's so long...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113961/

 

To my complete surprise, one week ago he posted on a music forum about some important documents he found regarding my research project on my father's life and music. Since then, though, I've stubbornly stuck with NC (and my therapist is very impressed that I've been so strong), but of course I'm really DYING to know what these documents are! A couple of other members on the music forum replied to his post, and then he thanked them two days later, which bumped up the thread. Still I didn't reply. Maybe he thinks I haven't seen those postings at all, since he knows I don't always read that forum every single day. Or maybe he thinks I simply don't intend to ever talk to him again. But I'm having serious doubts about the wisdom of total NC in this case, because I really need access to whatever information about my father he has found, so I can keep going on my research project.

 

I know he cares deeply about the project, too. We worked together on it for over 2 years. He's a super researcher, and I really counted on his help. But in a way, it also seems like he's dangling this bit of info as bait for me to contact him. So, seeing as I was adamant about NC, how do I break it without looking weak? Should I wait to see if he contacts me directly with this new research information?

 

(And yes, in case you were wondering, I would love to get back together with him and I would love it if my research project would lead the way to reconcilation... BUT I am not counting on it.)

 

Please advise me...?

 

Here's the absolutes about NC:

 

1) If they really love you and want to be with you, neither hell nor high water will stop them from contacting you. Passive forms of contact (like mentioning the research, etc) is in no way crossing hell or high water. It's a very insecure way of probing - to make sure you are still on the leash.

2) The stronger you are with your resolve to maintain NC, the stronger you will appear to your ex, to new people you meet and above all to yourself.

 

Bottom line: Stick to NC. It's good for you in so many ways. It accelerates the healing process. It proves to you that you are stronger than you thought you were. Above all, it opens you up to the possibility of meeting someone new and much better for you.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

He's being quite cool and business-like, don't you think?

 

 

Yep. He know's you are still on the leash. That's what you did by breaking NC.

[Faith2]

Yep. He know's you are still on the leash. That's what you did by breaking NC.

 

Yes, sadly, but I knew that was the risk I would be taking. Perhaps this sounds cold, but I would be content to just "use" him for whatever research information I can get out of him and nothing more. Forget the relationship - it's a lost cause anyway.

 

Funny thing is, for the 3 years that we were research partners, we often encountered a certain class of guys with questionable ethics who hoard music documents and gloat about it. Many papers, such as my father's original hand-written music scores, have been stolen from music archives. These creeps take a weird twisted pleasure in letting a select few people know that they've got the stolen stuff - or else taunting that maybe they have it, maybe they don't. When my ex and I were research partners, we became adept at playing the game with these creeps in order to at least get photocopies of the stolen papers.

 

How ironic, if now he's turning into one of those creeps himself.

 

Or, who knows. Maybe he really is "under the weather" and he'll send me the documents this weekend. I'll hope for the best.

[Faith2]

I take back all the mean-spirited things I said about my ex in these posts. I just got home and checked my email. He sent me 13 huge pdf files, all with extensive research notes about my father's music... plus photoscans of original recording contracts. The works.

 

It must have taken him well over 100 hours of research work to put all this together. He must have been working on it all these weeks since we broke up and he went back to Germany at Christmas.

 

I'm really overwhelmed. It's going to take me a while to pull myself together and reply to this amazing gift.

 

You know...The impulse after a breakup is to think that your ex is evil and monstrous, in order to separate from them, let go, and heal from the pain of the breakup. That's what I've been trying to do every day of NC. But all along my heart says, this is someone I loved deeply, and for good reason.

 

Well... I'm going to log off now and go have a good cry.

[Ssheena]

I hope the good cry was a nice release.

 

By all means, write and tell him thank you and that you appreciate it but that's it.

 

He's being business like and cool because he doesn't want to get your hopes up and that's what this is to him..business/research.

 

It would have been nice if he had sent the stuff to you without you having to ask and that maybe a little passive/agressive behavior on his part but it doesn't really matter. You have the great info and that's it.

 

Endings suck. Keep up the good work.

[Faith2]

My "good cry" developed into a full-blown emotional meltdown. When I opened all thirteen pdfs and fully understood what was in them - all documenting the period just before my father's death - I was overwhelmed. So much pain surged up in me, and then anger at him for sending me this bomb-load of information without warning me. I had asked for ONE document... I had talked it over with my therapist and we decided that I could handle getting ONE document... I could process that without going into another depression. But no, HE had to "surprise" me with sending THIRTEEN documents.

 

It was all too much... I was sobbing hard. Finally I sent him an email thanking him but telling him to stop - no more ever. He phoned me, apologized, said he promised to never send me any more "surprises"... I was angry, I said, "Your promises are meaningless." He started to cry.

 

We switched to IM'ing... a big argument ensued. I said the only way I could guarantee he wouldn't upset me ever again would be no contact forever. Then he phoned again, very contrite, said he didn't want the door between us to be closed and nailed shut forever.

 

We agreed to cautious limited contact, and only for information about the research project, and only in tiny doses. During the conversaton, he tried several times to talk about the relationship, but I remained completely silent... no response at all... and then he gave up and returned to the subject of my father. But he became nostalgic and wistful about us, he said it was the best thing that ever happened in his life. When we signed off by IM, he wrote "Love," and his name.

 

I don't know what will happen next. I do know things are going badly for him in Germany... no job yet after these 3 months. His resume is weak. He had been in a top MBA program here in the U.S., but his parents had demanded that he drop out, go back to Germany, stop "wasting his time and money as a student" and get a job for whatever he's worth right now. Since nobody's hiring him, his self-esteem must be at rock bottom.

 

It showed in the tone of his voice. He sounded miserable. I held my emotions in check, even though of course I wanted to say, "Come back, re-enroll in school, let's make it work this time." But I said nothing.

[Ssheena]

To be fair to him... how would he know to only send you one document? Did you specify to send you just one? Or did you know that he had more than one? Do you think he really sent you all of them on purpose or just to send you all the information he had?

 

Just take it one day at a time. If indeed, he is miserable in Germany than he may want to start things up again with you but what would happen if all of a sudden he did get a job there? Would he break up again?

 

Figure out if you can handle or want even limited contact with him. Keep it to only about your dad.

 

Sorry you had the meltdown, I'm sure you must still be grieving the loss of both your father and x.

[Faith2]

To be fair to him... how would he know to only send you one document? Did you specify to send you just one? Or did you know that he had more than one? Do you think he really sent you all of them on purpose or just to send you all the information he had?

 

I had asked for only one document.... that's all he mentioned he had, one recording contract. I wasn't emotionally prepared to handle thirteen all at once. I printed out all 90 pages, but couldn't face going through it all.

 

He has done this before... and every time he ends up apologizing, he says he knows he shouldn't send these surprise bombs but he got way too excited, then promises he won't ever do it again, but then he does it again... and again. He has a bad reputation in the research community of being a pest... he gets overexcited and pesters people to death for information. Because of this, he's been shut down by several other researchers and archivists, and they won't speak to him at all anymore.

 

I think he dove deep into this research during the past 3 months because nothing much else is going on for him there.

 

I haven't been working on the project for months, and I don't have any plans to pick it up again for a while. So I have no reason and no desire to contact him again now or any time soon.

 

To be honest, I was starting to really enjoy the NC safety zone. What a pleasant relief to wake up each morning and know that I wouldn't have to deal with any communcation with him.

[jmargel]

Honestly this sounds like a lot of head games and the more you do it the more distant the relations you have with him are going to be.

 

You really need to decide if you want to be with him or not. If you do then you both need to put 100% into this, including counseling to work out these problems. If you don't, then you just need to let him be so he can sort out his own life and let him find someone else while you do the same.

 

I think he has a genuine interest and love for you to put this much time and research into your own father. Something that you put off doing. I wish my wife was half as considerate as he is.

 

Sounds like he has issues relating with his family which can be worked out through counseling. So like I said if you two were to work it out, this is something he would need to do.

[Faith2]

You really need to decide if you want to be with him or not. If you do then you both need to put 100% into this, including counseling to work out these problems. If you don't, then you just need to let him be so he can sort out his own life and let him find someone else while you do the same.

 

I think he has a genuine interest and love for you to put this much time and research into your own father.

 

jmargel, I've been pondering this part of your reply for the past few days. I do want to be with him, but he's the one who left me and went back to Germany.

 

For the first month (January), I asked him to come back. He said that he was determined to stay there and find a job. I went NC for 10 days and then broke down and emailed again. We continued to email and talk on the phone - light stuff only - for a couple of weeks. Then I asked again for him to come back. Again he said No, he needed to make his career in Germany.

 

That's when I hit bottom (mid February) I crashed, couldn't eat, sleep, or work. I lost two important clients. I started therapy. I went into stone-cold NC for 5 weeks. Then all this happened with the new research documents he sent last week. I crashed again. He cried.

 

I had been using NC as a protective cocoon so I wouldn't get hurt by rejection again. I want him to come back, but I don't dare to risk asking him again because I'm afraid I'll crash if he says No again. In the past couple of weeks I've been getting back on my feet at work again and handling my projects competently. I love my work - it's a strong component of my sense of self, who I am. So these past couple weeks of good solid work have really helped to rebuild my self-esteem.

 

As much as I love him and want him back, I'm terrified of another rejection from him that would cause another breakdown for me.

 

I wish I knew how to bring him back. His parents and his pride are the insurmountable obstacles. Even if things aren't going well for him there, he seems determined stick it out. He once told me his parents raised him with the saying that "the more bitter a medicine tastes, the more it helps."

 

Unless he has changed his mind...?

 

Do you have any ideas of how I could approach the subject again without the risk of offending his self-defensive ego? I know he doesn't want to admit failure.

 

But on the other hand, if he did want to come back, re-enroll in the MBA program, and make it work out right this time... well, first he'd have to overcome his parents. That's entirely his battle. I have no control over it.

 

In Germany, therapy to work on your issues just isn't acceptable the way it is here in the U.S. He would never do it.

[Island Girl]

Oh my gosh.

 

I don't know why sending you all the research he had accomplished would be a bad thing. Just because he sent it to you doesn't mean you have to go through it all immediately. Now you have it and you can go through it as you will.

 

You said you wanted this project to be on it's way to completion and he assists you very much with that goal -- but you end up yelling at him and telling him not to send anything else "ever"? Don't you think this is going to hinder what you claim you want to accomplish?

 

It seems very strange to me.

 

If you want another chance romantically you are certainly doing your best to send opposite signals.

[CaliGuy]

Do you have any ideas of how I could approach the subject again without the risk of offending his self-defensive ego? I know he doesn't want to admit failure.

 

Don't. Don't bring it up again. If he really wanted to be with you, neither hell nor high water would stop him. In your case you just need to continue to act as though he isn't coming back and stick to NC. The more you poke and prod him to come back the more caged in he will feel. And the more caged he feels (being forced to come back) the more he'll want to escape and run away.

 

What you want is for his heart to change. And only time, time away from you, can do that.

 

The longer you are away, the more you stick to NC the more time he has to remember the good things about you and not the bad. And if you do talk to him you need to "fake it till you make it." In other words, he can not see how upset or heartbroken you are. Why? Because nobody but nobody wants to be with someone who is downtrodden and depressed. It's just not attractive. Life has to be good for you without him before it can be good for him with you.

 

Do you get what I am saying? The minute he thinks he has lost you forever is when his heart will change, if it ever does and there are no guarantees.

 

And if it does, then you will be better equipped to decide if he is the one for you.

 

And if he does not, your heart will have healed to the point you'll be open to someone new.

[Faith2]

Oh my gosh.

 

I don't know why sending you all the research he had accomplished would be a bad thing. Just because he sent it to you doesn't mean you have to go through it all immediately. Now you have it and you can go through it as you will.

 

You said you wanted this project to be on it's way to completion and he assists you very much with that goal -- but you end up yelling at him and telling him not to send anything else "ever"? Don't you think this is going to hinder what you claim you want to accomplish?

 

It seems very strange to me.

 

If you want another chance romantically you are certainly doing your best to send opposite signals.

 

I know! I'm a complete mess about it, torn up. I want him back, I want to work on the project, but I don't want him to reject me again and say he won't come back. So I go into hiding in NC to try to protect myself from another crash.

[Island Girl]

But I don't understand why providing you with 100 hours of research is a bad thing? -- Why would you jump all over him for that?

 

You have it. And you can go through it in bits and pieces but I find it duplicitous to state that you want this project completed and then want the information to do so only doled out one document at a time -- ?

 

You need to decide if you are ever going to want him because the conflicts you just had have got to stop either way and knowing what you want will help you control the situation at least as far as your reactions.

 

You care about him. He quite obviously cares about you.

 

That is where it sits. Freak outs are just going to do damage - but I fear that if you do want him back you did not leave him with this impression or even a glimmer of hope that this is the case.

 

I am a firm believer in NC but you have to do it in the right context otherwise the one you want to come back may never because they feel there is no chance at all ever.

 

You are jumping way too far ahead.

 

It doesn't have to go from where it is now directly to asking him to comeback and possibly getting rejected again. -- It shouldn't actually.

[Faith2]

I'm not sure if you got this from my earlier posts, but the reason the project is so highly emotional for me is that my father's death was a suicide. These new papers document the period just before his death. It's very hard for me to emotionally process new surprise information without some advance preparation of what's coming. My guy knows this. Yet he sent this massive surprise when I had been expecting only one document. That's what sent me into a tailspin.

[Island Girl]

Oh. I didn't know. I am so sorry.

 

But isn't it better that you have the information rather than it sitting out there somewhere yet to be discovered or possibly missed?

 

I'm just trying to look at it in a different light. I hope that isn't offensive.

 

As far as his behavior - with regard to sending the documents - you posted that he continually has done this since you've known him so you may anticipate it next time. Better to be prepared and then only receive one thing than to set expectations too low if it has such a devastating effect.

 

How are you feeling about the way things are now left between the two of you?

[Trialbyfire]

I'm also confused. If your guy went a little overboard with his enthusiasm to provide you with as much information as possible for a subject that's important to you, I would be grateful. Is it up to your guy to filter information and feed them to you in bite size pieces?

 

While I realize and can sympathize that this situation is very emotional, I'm not certain that you're not taking your grief out on an innocent party, namely your b/f.

 

Please step back and think about this possibility.

[Faith2]

I realize that my reaction was extreme. The circumstances were emotionally charged... dealing with new information about the loss of my father, dealing with continuing feelings about the loss of my boyfriend and our relationship. Take all that plus mix in breaking 5 weeks of no contact. It was more than I could handle in a calm rational manner.

 

As for where we are now...

This week he put together a CD of mp3 files of all of my father's music and mailed it from Germany. It arrived yesterday - I was expecting it, because I had asked for it and he kindly let me know when he put it in the mail. No scary surprises there. I sent him back a little note of thanks: "Your package has arrived already. So sweet of you to do all that for me - and with such expert care." I enclosed a little bubble-wrap envelope of a few tiny shells that we'd gathered from the various California beaches we've walked along.

 

A couple days earlier, I emailed to ask his help with another mp3 file. We worked on it back and forth via Skype chat. That went fine.

 

It's been exactly a week since I had that big meltdown. I buried myself in work to help regain my equilibrium. I feel stronger now than I did a week ago. But I also feel a stronger longing for him. This recent contact has brought those feelings forth. I don't want to damage any possibility of reconcilation... even though it seems so remote.

[Island Girl]

You can go as slow as you want -- meaning NC -- if that is better for you.

 

The shells were a nice touch that will let him know you still think of him I think.

 

Now just kind of take a cool down break.

 

You can't crew anything up by not doing anything - you know?

 

Sometimes -- in cases like this especially -- it is best to do nothing.

 

If you are dealing with flooding emotions don't do anything until the wave passes.

[Trialbyfire]

It sounds like the two of you are finding ways to stay in touch, in a more gentle manner. This is good. Take it easy.

[Faith2]

Don't. Don't bring it up again. If he really wanted to be with you, neither hell nor high water would stop him. In your case you just need to continue to act as though he isn't coming back and stick to NC. The more you poke and prod him to come back the more caged in he will feel. And the more caged he feels (being forced to come back) the more he'll want to escape and run away.

 

What you want is for his heart to change. And only time, time away from you, can do that.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, CG. I know you're right - there's no way for me to bring it up again that would do any good. He has to bring it up himself - if ever.

 

It's hard to resist the urge to want to do SOMEthing, though - you know what I mean?

 

But for the time being, a nice quiet span of doing nothing sounds good to me.