Arranged Marriage - How can anyone go through with that?!

[coco_milkshake]

I can't wait for that to happen. You are going to be so much better off when you move out.

 

Yes it will be nice to get away from all those evil women who are dreaming of getting me married off to their sons lol. Especially this one woman who wont stop bugging my sister to get me to marry her 33 year old recently divorced son rofl.

[Pyro]

Yes it will be nice to get away from all those evil women who are dreaming of getting me married off to their sons lol. Especially this one woman who wont stop bugging my sister to get me to marry her 33 year old recently divorced son rofl.

 

That is funny.

[coco_milkshake]

That is funny.

 

Tell me about it lol. Indian women are vultures when it comes to marriage, being on the lookout for girls who are at the age to get married lol. My sister turned her down saying that he is too old and that I am too short for him cos he is 6'0" - I am 5'3" cos I went to the docs recently cos of an infection and I have grown an inch rofl. I was always 5'2" since I was 19 years old lol.

 

Apparently if I had been taller then my sister would have considered taking it further. Who the hell is she to decide? Lol.

[Pyro]

Tell me about it lol. Indian women are vultures when it comes to marriage, being on the lookout for girls who are at the age to get married lol. My sister turned her down saying that he is too old and that I am too short for him cos he is 6'0" - I am 5'3" cos I went to the docs recently cos of an infection and I have grown an inch rofl. I was always 5'2" since I was 19 years old lol.

 

Apparently if I had been taller then my sister would have considered taking it further. Who the hell is she to decide? Lol.

 

Control freaks.

 

Its difficult to try and understand how some cultures can be like that, but the important thing is that you are leaving all that behind.

[coco_milkshake]

Yep that is true. I can only pray that it will happen sooner rather than later.

[alphamale]

Yes correct, at the expense of losing my family and place in the Indian society if I move out while being single. Its great being an Indian girl lol.

there are many things you don't yet understand COCO MILKSHAKE, due to your age

[coco_milkshake]

there are many things you don't yet understand COCO MILKSHAKE, due to your age

 

Would you please enlighten me ALPHA MALE?

[Erik]

Next week, during one of your classes, sneak out, go to the safe house. Don't plan in advance which day you'll do it, it will only make you nervous.

 

When you are sitting in there, during systemic therapy or whatever is in vogue these days, the thought will pop up. This time, act upon it before you think upon it. Just go.

[coco_milkshake]

Hi Erik

 

I dont know where to go so I will have to call the SWA to get them to organise a place for me. I would like to organise my "escape plan" cos I want to take my childhood pics etc so that in the future if I was to settle down and have mini cocos then I would like to show them what I looked like as a youngster.

[alphamale]

Would you please enlighten me ALPHA MALE?

you will learn like the rest of us...over time.

 

have mini cocos.

thats a scary thought

[Pyro]

you will learn like the rest of us...over time.

 

In other words, you have nothing to back up your words.

[coco_milkshake]

you will learn like the rest of us...over time.

 

 

thats a scary thought

 

How is that a scary thought? Lol. If anything seeing mini Alphas is a very disturbing thought lol.

[Erik]

Hi Erik

 

I dont know where to go so I will have to call the SWA to get them to organise a place for me. I would like to organise my "escape plan" cos I want to take my childhood pics etc so that in the future if I was to settle down and have mini cocos then I would like to show them what I looked like as a youngster.

 

 

OK, it is obvious you have thought very much about this and also a bit presumptuous of me to tell you how you proceed I guess.

 

Let me just say then, don't get bogged down in details, it can lead to procrastination. I really hope this works out for you and you will have many mini cocos.

[coco_milkshake]

OK, it is obvious you have thought very much about this and also a bit presumptuous of me to tell you how you proceed I guess.

 

Let me just say then, don't get bogged down in details, it can lead to procrastination. I really hope this works out for you and you will have many mini cocos.

 

Thank you Erik. I know that just planning it is wasting time but I am not going to go overboard with it hee.

 

I want no more than 3 mini cocos lol. Ah well before even thinking about that I need to get myself sorted. That means after getting out, I will need to seek help to help to get over what has happened to me in the past year or so.

 

Thank you very much for your support.

[alphamale]

How is that a scary thought? Lol. If anything seeing mini Alphas is a very disturbing thought lol.

The concept of arranged marriage is to match up two people based more upon object things versus subjective things. Objective things would include looks, status, education, family background, religious background, socio-economic background, etc.... Subjective things such as "love" and feelings and all that crap are not considered because they are usually worthless. Look at divorce rate in America and other western countries, its like 60%.

 

That being said COCO MILKSHAKE I think that the desi style arranged marriage works best in desi culture back home. It still works in western style culture (for desi's) but not as well. Personally know a number of arranged couples that have divorced. One guy, Naeem, just got divorced after being married 10 yrs and having 4 kids.

 

You know I am Desi so you know that I know what I am talking about. These non-Desi LSers cannot really help you on this matter.

[Pyro]

The concept of arranged marriage is to match up two people based more upon object things versus subjective things. Objective things would include looks, status, education, family background, religious background, socio-economic background, etc.... Subjective things such as "love" and feelings and all that crap are not considered because they are usually worthless. Look at divorce rate in America and other western countries, its like 60%.

 

That being said COCO MILKSHAKE I think that the desi style arranged marriage works best in desi culture back home. It still works in western style culture (for desi's) but not as well. Personally know a number of arranged couples that have divorced. One guy, Naeem, just got divorced after being married 10 yrs and having 4 kids.

 

You know I am Desi so you know that I know what I am talking about. These non-Desi LSers cannot really help you on this matter.

 

 

But what does that have to do with CM? She is leaving her family and all that behind when she moves out.

[coco_milkshake]

I suppose so ALPHA MALE but I still like to see what people think of this and it was open to everyone on LS to respond to.

 

What is your point here? Lol. Yes it is possible that arranged marriages will work out for desi people in the Western world and I know you are a lot older than I am and have more experience, but I have seen what it can do to people. My sister is a good example of it and she is still stuck with that a**h*** cos my mum was worried about society etc.

 

I dont want to end up in a marriage that I see as a noose around my neck and I know my family will pressure me into having one cos to them there is no middle ground. It is their way or the high way.

[alphamale]

It is their way or the high way.

then you'd better start packing the bags and fill your car with petrol.

 

actually, I know some desi girls who married white american guys. these white guys beat and abused them. almost all of them are divorced and these girls are now married to desi guys and quite happy.

[westernxer]

I can understand how families stick to traditional values if they're the first or second generation living in a new country.

 

The trend usually ends, or will start to thin out substantially, as the third and fourth generations start to blend with society (unless society rejects them from participating as full-fledged members, like it did with the blacks in America after the Civil War).

 

This is what has happened in my family... most of the grandkids (my generation) can barely speak Samoan, and they've assimilated into the American mainstream, for the most part, even though a little FOB emerges from time to time.

 

You are probably doomed, Coco, but your children and grandchildren may not face the same pressures you face now, even though they'll face challenges of a different nature. Change is inevitable, and resistance is futile.

[alphamale]

Yes COCO MILKSHAKE.....WEST is essentially correct. He is a smart guy and I have utmost respect for his views.

 

The other thing you have failed to consider COCO, is that your parents have already layed the seeds within you many moons ago. Since you were a wee infant they have been telling you what their expectations are. They have hammered these ideas and thoughts into you head and they will be quite hard to get rid of. They are "passing" on the culture to you. Also, you forget that you will have some say in who you marry even though it may be "arranged". Things are not as strict as they used to be when you would meet your spouse-to-be on the wedding day for the first time.

[coco_milkshake]

Did you have an arranged marriage ALPHA MALE?

 

So you are saying that no matter what I do it is inevitable that I will end up in an arranged marriage? I know that they have expectations of me like every parent does but demanding that I get an arranged marriage cos they gave me life and that I owe them that is not a good enough reason in my eyes - not like I asked to be born.

 

I am Scottish Alpha and proud of it. I am not giving up on my heritage entirely but I see it as being pointless in going ahead with something I dont believe in. It wont be fair on myself or the guy in question and a lot of lives will be ruined. I am saving a lot of heartache by refusing to do what I am uncomfortable with - dont matter if I had it drilled into my head, I have been feeling this way since I turned 16 so you cant accuse me of going through a "phase".

[alphamale]

Did you have an arranged marriage ALPHA MALE?

No...but I did marry a desi girl from Canada. It was not "arranged" in the true sense. After 3 years I told her to get out. I divorced her cause she was worthless. My mother had picked out some nice pretty girls for me to choose from but I rejected them all. Apparently I made a mistake not listening to her.

[coco_milkshake]

No...but I did marry a desi girl from Canada. It was not "arranged" in the true sense. After 3 years I told her to get out. I divorced her cause she was worthless. My mother had picked out some nice pretty girls for me to choose from but I rejected them all. Apparently I made a mistake not listening to her.

 

Worthless? Thats a nice way of putting it

[Pyro]

I can understand how families stick to traditional values if they're the first or second generation living in a new country.

 

The trend usually ends, or will start to thin out substantially, as the third and fourth generations start to blend with society (unless society rejects them from participating as full-fledged members, like it did with the blacks in America after the Civil War).

 

This is what has happened in my family... most of the grandkids (my generation) can barely speak Samoan, and they've assimilated into the American mainstream, for the most part, even though a little FOB emerges from time to time.

 

You are probably doomed, Coco, but your children and grandchildren may not face the same pressures you face now, even though they'll face challenges of a different nature. Change is inevitable, and resistance is futile.

 

She has the option of moving away from her family, so I really don't think that she is doomed. The fact that she is in the process of moving out shows that she has her independence and I don't see her being submissive to her parents wishes, unless she decides to.

[westernxer]

She has the option of moving away from her family, so I really don't think that she is doomed. The fact that she is in the process of moving out shows that she has her independence and I don't see her being submissive to her parents wishes, unless she decides to.

 

She can very well do that, but we'll have to see if she's strong enough to survive on her own for an extended period of time. It's easier said than done in a lot of cases. I've seen this with my own relatives... the ones who took off were as miserable on their own as they were in the eye of the storm, but they always came back.

 

It's harder in ethnic families than it is in regular American ones, because the bonds are tighter. The American families almost kick their kids out of the house by the time they turn 18. Not sure where Coco lives, but it probably doesn't matter. Same shiznit, different location.