Arranged Marriage - How can anyone go through with that?!

[RichC]

Please think long and hard about this. I have some knowledge of your fix. Is the "honor" of the family involved? I think you know what I mean. If it is, in "honor-shame" cultures your next step could be critical. If you do not go through with the marriage and shame the family will you be on the run?

[VirtualInsanity]

She can very well do that, but we'll have to see if she's strong enough to survive on her own for an extended period of time. It's easier said than done in a lot of cases. I've seen this with my own relatives... the ones who took off were as miserable on their own as they were in the eye of the storm, but they always came back.

 

I agree but if she's in college, she should have no problem once she gets a decent job living on her own.

 

If I was in her situation I would rather stuggle then go through what she's been going through.

[Pyro]

She can very well do that, but we'll have to see if she's strong enough to survive on her own for an extended period of time. It's easier said than done in a lot of cases. I've seen this with my own relatives... the ones who took off were as miserable on their own as they were in the eye of the storm, but they always came back.

 

It's harder in ethnic families than it is in regular American ones, because the bonds are tighter. The American families almost kick their kids out of the house by the time they turn 18. Not sure where Coco lives, but it probably doesn't matter. Same shiznit, different location.

 

I guess that I was one of the lucky ones in terms of being kicked out at 18.

 

I agree that a situation like hers is easier said than done, but I have faith in her ability. She has been dealing with this situation for quite some time now.

[coco_milkshake]

Please think long and hard about this. I have some knowledge of your fix. Is the "honor" of the family involved? I think you know what I mean. If it is, in "honor-shame" cultures your next step could be critical. If you do not go through with the marriage and shame the family will you be on the run?

 

My family do value their honour yes. If I didnt go ahead with an arranged marriage then I would probably get emotionally blackmailed into it. However, if I do make the decision of leaving then obviously I will not give my family an idea of where I might be. I will be dead to them the moment I walk out the door and never come back.

[alphamale]

I will be dead to them the moment I walk out the door and never come back.

Don't be rediculous COCO MILKSHAKE....they just say that to scare you into doing what they want. They would never permanently disown you.

[coco_milkshake]

Don't be rediculous COCO MILKSHAKE....they just say that to scare you into doing what they want. They would never permanently disown you.

 

I am not being "rediculous", its the truth. My aunt had a love marriage and the guy is a caste lower than us and my mum has not talked to her in over 18 years. What chance do you think I have? At least the guy is the same bloody skin colour but that wasnt enough for my mum.

 

My older brother in law is a psycho path. My sister told me not to do anything which will harm her marriage and if I was to leave thats exactly what will happen cos that will give him a reason to mock our family cos he is jealous. He will make life hell for my sister. I just dont know if I could sacrifice my own happiness like that - Im not saying I love my sister, I do, but you only get one life.

 

I know for a fact I wont end up with an Indian man. I dont know why but I have a hunch that me marrying an Indian man isnt possible lol.

[Erik]

Coco, reading this thread, I realise you have been stringing me along a bit. No hard feelings, I came away much wiser for it.

 

But I wonder, though. My ex is married to an Indian guy native to Goa, and he seems quite relaxed and Westernised. (I've had dinner with him and my ex on more than one occasion, so you can understand my bewilderment) He's a catholic, though I guess that makes a difference, but what you tell sounds like something from Saudi Arabia to my ears. Where is your family from, or is it none of my business? Denmark is very tribal and insular, so I know next to nothing about societies as yours, so if you'll forgive my curiousity...

[coco_milkshake]

Lol Erik.

 

Sorry if it seems like I have been stringing you along. I admit the rules have relaxed somewhat. Like Alpha said, its not like I am going to be meeting my spouse on the wedding day like it used to be.

 

Here is the deal for me. According to mum I have to get married by the age of 26 or I will be past my "sell by date". They are the ones who are going to be looking for a man for me, I get no say in that. They bring the guy to me and let me get to know him by talking to him on the phone and occassionally letting me meet him. No intimacy is allowed. No holding hands etc.

 

I got told I am not allowed to stay single and that an arranged marriage is inevitable. I am not allowed to fall in love with anyone cos I am going to be reserved for an arranged marriage.

 

If I marry the guy (and this is a big if) I am expected to know how to cook and clean. They will expect me to know how to cook every Indian dish under the sun or they will complain to my parents that they havent taught me anything. The other person that I need to please apart from my husband is his mother. Basically, in our culture, when you marry the guy, you marry his family too.

 

BTW I am Sikh.

[Erik]

Thanks. I know more about the dark side of the moon than about Sikhs. Something with turbans, right?

 

Are you allowed to say no? I mean, there'd a point to you meeting him, isn't there?

 

What I hear about marrying his family is, that even if you like him, you'd still be in a place you didn't like. Is that right? On a purely theoretical note - and because I'm that old - I don't think arranged marriages sound so bad. I've already made the mistake of judging you by your age, so I'll just step in it once more: I'd think the parents would be wiser about marriage than their kids; look at the divorce rate in countries where love marriages are the norm.

 

What I did not really consider when we first spoke, was that you'd be exiled from your community. I am under the impression that the Indian society in Britain is quite extensive. If (when) you run, is there a community of people like you that you could go to?

 

The cooking business does not sound so bad to me, but I love to cook and I love Indian food. And as Jerry Hall said: "My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit."

[coco_milkshake]

You are right about the turbans bit lol. I admit in theory it doesnt sound bad but the reality is a different story. I am a very Westernised girl, too much for my family's liking and I am restrained from being like that cos it will ruin my marriage prospects, ie. no one will want me as their daughter in law if I behave in a certain way.

 

If you read my "Second thoughts" thread, or my very first one, "My story", you will get the gist of what my family are like. None of my sisters were forced into marriage but I have a feeling they will emotionally blackmail me into it as I have "strayed from the norm" once before. Its one story when the person in question wants an arranged marriage, but if not, then that is a completely different ball game.

[Erik]

OK, thanks. I've only ever seen problems like yours from the outside, in the newspapers and such, and mostly in connection with xenophobic political campaigns. It's been very interesting talking with you.

 

Luck and courage.

[coco_milkshake]

No problem Erik. I am always a PM away if you want to talk

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

I don't know what to tell you, Coco_milkshake. I have heard stories about arranged marriages, but nothing to this extent. No doubt you have been through a great deal.

 

I have experienced a fair bit of what you're going through, and much more on many other levels. I don't want to discuss it out in the open at the moment, but I can say that it is definitely not easy going against the grain.

 

Think about the consequences and where you want to go once you do settle in the new house. This is your life we are talking about.

 

I do hope you find the courage to face what is ahead of you -and yes I think you need to come up with a solid and efficient escape plan sometime very soon. Make arrangements, think about things, then carry through. Also keep us posted if you like. PS: If you're in need of anything/talk you're welcome to PM me.

 

Sand&Water

[Erik]

Hi Coco

 

I've been reading most of your Second Thoughs-threads; I could say a lot, but it seems to me Moongirl has said most of it, and probably better than I could ever do.

 

But something struck me. We don't have a Sikh community in Denmark, (not one that I'm aware of) but we have a large Pakistani one. And from what you write, I figure that if I met you in the street, I'd not be able to tell you for anything but a good, obedient Sikh girl. So I see these veiled girls in the streets and never gave them much thought, thinking that they lived in a world apart from mine and that was probably how they preferred it.

 

But reading about your family and reading that you are not the only one in your family that has jumped ship, I wonder how many of them feel like you do, westernised but forced to act the good Moslem and without your ressources. I'll never know, will I?