Meaplus3 Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 I am asking this question because I am not sure what a normal happy marriage is suppose to be like? My parent's fought all the time when I was growing up, but they have been married for 40 year's now. Why did they stay together if they were not happy? I have a troubled marriage and as a result had an E/A. I just wonder what the dynamics are and what people really do behind closed door's that keep them together for so many year's? I hope I made sense here. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Talking about your days when you come home from work. And sharing a little kissing/snugglin' too... Sitting at the dinner table together as a WHOLE family having a meal, talking about your days, and whatever else conversations that go on when you have kids. Being involved with eachother, helping eachother out, if someone washes dishes, the other person can dry 'em (not all the time, but once in a while is nice to spend that time talking too). Spending time together, yet being able to co-exist in the same house without being needy or in the way. Like if you need a night to veg out in bed, read or watch tv, he should have no problem with that. He can hang with the kids...And vice versa. Allowing eachother to BE who each of you are, accepting the good and the bad faults... Not to over react when there's a fight or an arguement. Keep it in perspective. Have fun together too! Be silly and laugh. That's very important. Do the opposite of what you know from your parents. Kids obviously know their folks fight sometimes, but as long as they 'see' you two as a loving couple, and that heated moments are normal and nothing to worry about, all should be okay. Let your kids know they can always talk to you and your husband - NO matter what...Even if they're gonna be in dog doo doo, it's better than lying and hiding the truth. (That isn't directed at you at all, so don't take that out of context.) Do fun stuff, be creative! After the kids are in bed, have a bath with your H, play cards, hang out, listen to music, have a glass of wine...Etc... Hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Share Posted March 17, 2007 Talking about your days when you come home from work. And sharing a little kissing/snugglin' too... Sitting at the dinner table together as a WHOLE family having a meal, talking about your days, and whatever else conversations that go on when you have kids. Being involved with eachother, helping eachother out, if someone washes dishes, the other person can dry 'em (not all the time, but once in a while is nice to spend that time talking too). Spending time together, yet being able to co-exist in the same house without being needy or in the way. Like if you need a night to veg out in bed, read or watch tv, he should have no problem with that. He can hang with the kids...And vice versa. Allowing eachother to BE who each of you are, accepting the good and the bad faults... Not to over react when there's a fight or an arguement. Keep it in perspective. Have fun together too! Be silly and laugh. That's very important. Do the opposite of what you know from your parents. Kids obviously know their folks fight sometimes, but as long as they 'see' you two as a loving couple, and that heated moments are normal and nothing to worry about, all should be okay. Let your kids know they can always talk to you and your husband - NO matter what...Even if they're gonna be in dog doo doo, it's better than lying and hiding the truth. (That isn't directed at you at all, so don't take that out of context.) Do fun stuff, be creative! After the kids are in bed, have a bath with your H, play cards, hang out, listen to music, have a glass of wine...Etc... Hope this helps! Thank's whichway. Most of what you said above does NOT happen in my marriage, so I really need to figure this out. My therapist has been on vaca, and I see him Tuesday, I need to talk to him bad, as I am hurting so. I am strong and have been for many year's now, so I can make it no matter how my marriage turns out. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 WWIU covered it quite well. HJowever, I don't believe there's any such thing as a "normal" marriage because they're all so different. There are, however, "good" marriages and "bad" marriages. There are also in-between marriages like your parents have, and mine did as well. Below this I'm going to copy something I wrote for one of mysons and his wife when they married. It's my vision of what makes a strong marriage. i hope it helps. 10 Commandments of Marriage Marriage is the sum of all its many parts. If any of those parts is missing, the marriage is missing something essential. Here are those necessary parts. 1. Friendship: Ideally, before you marry you become friends. You really take the time and make the effort to get to know one another. In time that friendship begins to take on an innocent intimacy because you feel free to discuss personal issues you would only talk about to a true friend. 2. Relationship: Over time the friendship develops into a relationship. You begin to know one another more closely and, in time, there is an exclusivity about the two of you and others know that you are together and becoming one. 3. Love: As the relationship grows, love replaces like and there is sentimentality about the relationship that goes beyond acquaintance and becomes longing and need. You want to spend all your time together. 4. Commitment: Becoming engaged signals a commitment, one to the other, which, at the proper time, is solemnized with a ceremony meaningful to both parties and you have now become husband and wife with every intention of making the bond inseparable and permanent. 5. Fidelity: This is what you pledge when you marry -- forsaking all others and having an exclusive relationship wherein there is trust, constancy, shared vision and unquestionable loyalty to your mate. 6. Individuality: Each of you bring your own, individual and unique strengths and weaknesses into the marriage. While the act of marrying implies a melding of these, you each fell in love with the individual you are now married to and while a marriage is full of compromise, each must retain the individuality that made you fall in love in the first place. 7. Independence: Each of you must be available for the other to lean on occasionally but not to smother. Ideally, when times are difficult you lean together to combine your strengths. Neither should be wholly dependent upon the other but each should be able to depend on the other. Maintain the delightful independence which brought you together while working together for the common good. 8. Equality: Each of you must give 100% to the marriage and to each other, and more. No one of you is more important in or to the marriage than the other. Neither of you is subservient to the other. Both of you have equal responsibilities and equal rights within the marriage and your lives together. 9. Mutuality: In all things you must present a combined front to the world. There will be many things that may wear on or tear at your relationship but if you face them, strong and united, they can never prevail against you. 10. Spirituality: Whatever your independent and individual beliefs, marriage is a uniting of the spirit as much as it is of the flesh. If you have no spiritual belief in and bond to your marriage, you will be lacking that which sets us aside from the beasts of the field. In the bible there is a passage about the first and great commandment and a second that is like unto it. In marriage, the first and great commandment is "Put your marriage first." The second is, indeed, like unto it. "Put everyone and everything else second to your marriage." Children come, grow and go. Parents pass on. Siblings and other relatives scatter. Friends relocate or you may grow beyond them, or them beyond you. Jobs and the people in them change. In the end, all you have to totally rely on is yourselves, and all that within the framework of your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
justpassingthrough Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Curmudgeon, that is one of the best posts I've seen on LS. Now, I'd like to point out this part specifically: In the bible there is a passage about the first and great commandment and a second that is like unto it. In marriage, the first and great commandment is "Put your marriage first." The second is, indeed, like unto it. "Put everyone and everything else second to your marriage." Children come, grow and go. Parents pass on. Siblings and other relatives scatter. Friends relocate or you may grow beyond them, or them beyond you. Jobs and the people in them change. In the end, all you have to totally rely on is yourselves, and all that within the framework of your marriage. Here's why. I think what has gone terribly wrong with marriages is the belief that the "love, honor, and obey" vows are old and outdated, particularly the honor part. Honoring the spouse - and honoring the marriage - is a HUGE part of what makes a marriage work. If every decision every husband and every wife made was based upon the belief - the honest belief - they were honoring their spouse and marriage, there would be a whole lot less marital woe. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Talking about your days when you come home from work. And sharing a little kissing/snugglin' too... Sitting at the dinner table together as a WHOLE family having a meal, talking about your days, and whatever else conversations that go on when you have kids. Being involved with eachother, helping eachother out, if someone washes dishes, the other person can dry 'em (not all the time, but once in a while is nice to spend that time talking too). Spending time together, yet being able to co-exist in the same house without being needy or in the way. Like if you need a night to veg out in bed, read or watch tv, he should have no problem with that. He can hang with the kids...And vice versa. Allowing eachother to BE who each of you are, accepting the good and the bad faults... Not to over react when there's a fight or an arguement. Keep it in perspective. Have fun together too! Be silly and laugh. That's very important. Do the opposite of what you know from your parents. Kids obviously know their folks fight sometimes, but as long as they 'see' you two as a loving couple, and that heated moments are normal and nothing to worry about, all should be okay. Let your kids know they can always talk to you and your husband - NO matter what...Even if they're gonna be in dog doo doo, it's better than lying and hiding the truth. (That isn't directed at you at all, so don't take that out of context.) Do fun stuff, be creative! After the kids are in bed, have a bath with your H, play cards, hang out, listen to music, have a glass of wine...Etc... Hope this helps! I'm afraid what you summarize does not represent a good *marriage*. Except for the "kiss", all these could be among any kind of relatives, friends, roommates (washing/drying dishes, wow)... There has to be love. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Thank's whichway. Most of what you said above does NOT happen in my marriage, so I really need to figure this out. My therapist has been on vaca, and I see him Tuesday, I need to talk to him bad, as I am hurting so. I am strong and have been for many year's now, so I can make it no matter how my marriage turns out. AP:) You're welcome. I have faith that you CAN have all that. Link to post Share on other sites
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