A New Relationship

[mighty bop]

OK, I just started "dating" this girl from school about two weeks ago. I am 35 and she is 34. I say "dating" because we really haven't gone any real dates, just mostly spending time together at the movies, etc. We have already kissed and everything. She already wants to go further, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet. Let me back up.

 

We had been chatting over the phone and that's how we got to know a lot about each other. One thing that really surprised me was how many guys she had been with. 35!!! That's a lot more people than I have been with. This bothered me a little bit, but I decided to give her a chance because who doesn't deserve a chance, right?

 

Anyways, after hanging out with her, I am finding I really like this girl.....her personality is awesome!! She is attractive as well, which is definitely a plus.

 

One thing she has told me is that she still hangs out with her ex's friend, who likes her, and has told her that he likes her. She doesn't like him, but they still hang out occasionally. This really does not bother me since she said she's probably just gonna end that relationship.

 

So anyways, she was in the process of moving into a new condo in the city and had her family and friends help her move, including the guy friend. She was moving out her stuff on a weekend. The night before we had stayed up until like 7am talking, kissing, etc. I also found out that she was into threesomes. She was also telling me how much she liked sex. At first I was like "OK, this girl is just a freak...." but she totally is a nice person anyways.

 

So back to Wednesday. When I woke up Wednesday morning to go to work, I stopped off at the bank and who do I see? That's right! Her! She was crossing my path in front of me when I noticed her. It seemed like she saw me and was trying to ignore me. I noticed she was with a guy too. I figured it had to be "the friend". He looked like a putz and was no competition so he didn't even worry me. At the same time of seeing this guy, I felt something was definitely wrong.

 

Anyways, I'm standing there with my arms open like "Uh hello??" But the conversation went like this:

 

Me: What are you doing here?

Her: Just withdrawling some cash, you?

Me: I'm depositing my check.

Her: Well I'll let you get going!

 

I noticed she seemed a little uncomfortable about the situation but I thought "Whatever.." and just went about my business. The whole time I was thinking "OK so that's how it is. I'm just getting played here..."

 

That night she calls me at home and asks if we are still going to go work out at the gym tomorrow, I say yes and ask her about earlier at the bank. I can understand the uncomfortableness of such a situation and the coincidence it was so I let it slide. You'd think she would have introduced me to the guy but then again I can understand why she didn't.

 

Now it's Monday and I am gonna see her after work. The thing is, I really like being with her and she is really nice to me. I told her I really liked her and I didn't want to be just another sexual fling. Most of the other guys were just "fun," so she says. She said she was not into that lifestyle anymore.

 

I am willing to give this girl a chance. She has been perfect so far. I won't hold her past against her. Everyone makes mistakes. We talk about sex a lot so it's only a matter of time before things get going, I just know it. However, I am the one holding back right now because I want to see if she wants me for me or just for sex.

 

Anyways, tell me what you guys think about this. She deserves a chance, right?

[Tony T]

There are a lot of stupid, high school games going on here. Stop them immediately!!!

 

You have told her how you feel (way, way too soon). If she doesn't respond by saying she is willing to go ahead and explore things a little more fully, then just forget the deal. It's obvious you can't take a lot more of her seeing other people which she is totally free to do.

 

It's all a matter of when she's ready. All this stuff is about timing. If she's not ready to stop seeing other people, she's not going to just settle with you unless she plays around secretly on the side.

 

On the surface, I think you've handled this quite maturely and properly so far. But the games are still there....the guessing...etc. Come on...you've only been dating her for two weeks and you're talking about how you're holding off on the sex. Gimmee a break.

 

Next time you see her in public and she appears not to want you to notice her, don't! You've only been dating her for a few weeks and surely she's been seeing others for a lot longer than that.

 

It really doesn't sound like she wants an exclusive relationship with you right now. When women want that, you know. It doesn't sound like she's given you a lot of encouragement. Be cool and give her some time to gather feelings for you. She's is an individual, she is not you and she doesn't work you your schedule.

 

And, on the sex business, don't think you're going to change her overnight. There are just as many women as men who enjoy sex for the sport of it. Your post sounds like this sex thing is a scheduled event. It's not. It has to be spontaneous, at the right time, under the right circmstances...for both of you. If this lady likes sex so much, be sure she is disease free before you take the plunge in that regard.

 

Final piece of advice. If you try to go after her too hard....to take over her life too much (and I'm not saying you are), you'll drive her away fast. You may be asking for too much too soon in terms of her attention. Her response to you at the bank indicates she's finding you a bit annoying, even though you did catch her at a bad time. I urge you to be more cool about all this. I really think you played your cards way too soon in many regards. It's time for damage control.

 

Women who have just started seeing men don't like them to pour out their feelings after the first week. Most REALLY don't like to hear men say they get attached quickly. Most human beings have an underlying fear of being engulfed by another person. People want to be free and to be with someone who is not going to pound all over their heart and soul...especially not so quickly.

 

You may have blown this already. But, if not, stop coming on like gangbusters...have some patience...and don't even discuss your feelings for her for quite a while. Women, for the most part, are highly suspect of men who fall so quickly. It's just not what most of them like to hear...and I can guarantee you it was not particularly music to the ear of the lady you're interested in now.

 

Back off, be coy, and be extra thoughtful since you work with her. The last thing the both of you want to do is screw things up for yourselves at work.

[mighty bop]

"There are a lot of stupid, high school games going on here. Stop them immediately!!!"

 

I'm not playing any high school games. If anyone is, it's her.

 

"You have told her how you feel (way, way too soon). If she doesn't respond by saying she is willing to go ahead and explore things a little more fully, then just forget the deal. It's obvious you can't take a lot more of her seeing other people which she is totally free to do."

 

I agree, I may have told her how I feel a little too soon. But she has told me the same thing. I mean, come on, we're making out, etc., what am I supposed to say?? Plus it's true.

 

"It's all a matter of when she's ready. All this stuff is about timing. If she's not ready to stop seeing other people, she's not going to just settle with you unless she plays around secretly on the side."

 

Well her last relationship was about 8 months ago. She said she wants to just go with the flow and see how things work. Which is cool with me because I feel the same way. I don't think she is seeing other people at this time though.

 

"On the surface, I think you've handled this quite maturely and properly so far. But the games are still there....the guessing...etc. Come on...you've only been dating her for two weeks and you're talking about how you're holding off on the sex. Gimmee a break."

 

What do you mean?? I mean this girl is really agressive and I'm just seeing what she is really like, without any sex. Plus I am holding out on sex because of another reason, which I will explain in a little bit.

 

"Next time you see her in public and she appears not to want you to notice her, don't! You've only been dating her for a week and surely she's been seeing others for a lot longer than that."

 

I agree, next time I will pretend like I don't see her. But that's ridiculous!! We've only known each other for a few weeks I know, but it's past the point of hiding from me in public. I think that she could have handled that situation better.

 

"It really doesn't sound like she wants an exclusive relationship with you right now. When women want that, you know. It doesn't sound like she's given you a lot of encouragement. Be cool and give her some time to gather feelings for you. She's is an individual, she is not you and she doesn't work you your schedule."

 

But it DOES seem like she wants an exclusive relationship with me. That's the thing. This other guy is just her friend and she has told me this and he knows this, so I'm not worried about it. He doesn't know about me yet, but when he finds out hopefully he will just back off.

 

"And, on the sex business, don't think you're going to change her overnight. There are just as many women as men who enjoy sex for the sport of it. Your post sounds like this sex thing is a scheduled event. It's not. It has to be spontaneous, at the right time, under the right circmstances...for both of you. If this lady likes sex so much, be sure she is disease free before you take the plunge in that regard."

 

I know I'm not going to change her or anything. I can tell she likes sex a lot. So do I so I feel really lucky in that regard. But the thing is, I am sometimes impotent. It is not a regular thing though. Anyways, this is the reason why I am afraid of sexual touching. But tomorrow, I am going to tell her about. And I agree, I think she should go get tested too, even though she says she has. I would also feel a lot better.

 

"Final piece of advice. If you try to go after her too hard....to take over her life too much (and I'm not saying you are), you'll drive her away fast. You may be asking for too much too soon in terms of her attention. Her response to you at the store indicates she's finding you a bit annoying, even though you did catch her at a bad time. I urge you to be more cool about all this. I really think you played your cards way too soon in many regards. It's time for damage control."

 

I am in no way going after her too hard. On the contrary, she seems to be going after me really agressively. This makes me wonder if it is just for sex...and I have not been annoying in any way, shape or form so I know it's not that. I agree, I am gonna play it cool for awhile now.

 

"Women who have just started seeing men don't like them to pour out their feelings after the first week. Most REALLY don't like to hear men say they get attached quickly. Most human beings have an underlying fear of being engulfed by another person. People want to be free and to be with someone who is not going to pound all over their heart and soul...especially not so quickly."

 

I am definitely not going to "engulf" her. We barely have eny time as it is to see each other. But we actually do make time, and I have been losing sleep over it too, which kinda annoys me. But anyways, it's worth it...She is free to do what she wants. I am not controlling in the least bit.

 

"You may have blown this already. But, if not, stop coming on like gangbusters...have some patience...and don't even discuss your feelings for her for quite a while. Women, for the most part, are highly suspect of men who fall so quickly. It's just not what most of them like to hear...and I can guarantee you it was not particularly music to the ear of the lady you're interested in now."

 

I may have blown this already. Maybe. We'll see. It all depends what she thinks about the news. If she is cool with that, nothing else really matters too much.

 

"Back off, be coy, and be extra thoughtful since you work with her. The last thing the both of you want to do is screw things up for yourselves at work."

 

I am gonna back off a little bit. I will let her call me, etc. I know, I don't want things to get weird at work. I've been in that situation before.

 

Thanks Tony. I will let you know how things turn out.

[mighty bop]

Well, I told her about it. She seems very undestanding too. Her uncle is a doctor and thinks I should go see her. I am actually gonna go to a specialist on Thursday. I'm just glad she didn't freak out. It's gonna be weird seeing here again, which is tomorrow.

[mighty bop]

Okay, so tonight I think I found out her friend is gay--his name is Barry and he works at a local gas station part-time. I have met him and there is nothing to worry about. But anyways, She calls up "the friend", the same guy that I saw with her at the bank. I'm thinking "OK whatever...." I'm not intimidated by this guy or anything because I really don't know him. I know he likes her and she knows this but she still hangs out with him and this confuses me. She doesn't like him however, (so she says).

 

But anyways, the only reason I can think of that she still hangs out with him is because she just considers him a friend and that's it. And so why tell him the "relationship" must end, right? But anyways, we're at her apartment and I'm about to leave to go back to work and we hear a knock on the door. It's "the guy". He comes in and we are all introduced to him. So I leave and say bye. She doesn't give me a hug though!!!. This makes me a little upset because why doesn't she want him to know?? I guess she doesn't want to hurt his feelings or what?? This is really starting to bother me now because I want to know what's going on! I think I may have to say something to him or do something so he'll get the picture. However, I still think she should say or do something because she hasn't yet!! She has been saying stuff like "I don't know how to tell him, etc..."

 

So now they're all out at some bars now having fun. And "the guy" is probably trying to hit on her while she is drunk. She did say she was gonna drink a lot. It's her life and her choice, I just care about this girl and I wish I knew what to do. I still don't know if I can fully trust her yet. I guess we'll find out soon enough.

[Debster]

in a relationship you've been involved with for less than a month. Think about it, is this what you want? Sounds to me like you are two very different people. Either you like and accept the differences, or you don't. Which is it?

[mighty bop]

Trust me I like the differences and accept them. We are opposites and we attract. However we have similarities as well. I'm sure this is just like any relationship. I think I may be in love but I'm not sure yet. Sure feels like it..........

 

But anyways, I let her know how I feel about "the friend" and she said she would have a talk with him. So basically she understands where I'm coming from and knows how I feel.

So we'll see how everything turns out.

[mighty bop]

OK so now we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend and things are going great! I really really like this girl. I have been getting to know the "guy friend" through conversations in passing and he seems cool. But anyways, I've actually been getting the feeling of saying those three little words already. After less than a month!! Could it be love already?? I'm not sure, I just really love being with this girl. I am wondering if it would OK to say "I really love being with you...." or is that too close to the 3 words?? I do love being with her.....but anyways, what do you all think? What is going on here?

[katy_katt]

This is an interesting sounding relationship, to say the least. At the beginning, I think she might have been holding you off because she was afraid you might not be into her friends (it can be strange to introduce a gay friend to your bf when you don't know how the guy feels about gays).

 

Anyway, about the three little words, wait before saying them. The advice I usually give to myself is that if you don't know whether or not you expect to hear those words back, then don't say them, cause if you do and she doesn't say them back, it can be really heartbreaking. If she says them back but isn't ready to, it might be damaging to the relationship. In my experience, I've had guys say those three little words a mere two weeks into a relationship! And simply because I wasn't sure what else to do (didn't want to hurt his feelings, etc.), I said them back, began feeling too closed in, and eventually ended the relationship before it had a chance to really grow.

 

You'll know when the right time is, believe me.

[Debster]

You may be feeling the love but telling someone you love them at about a month will scare a lot of women off. I know myself, I love to hear those three words but if they come too soon, I don't trust that they know what love really is and are confusing passion and strong feelings for love.

[mighty bop]

In the beginning she knew I was ok with homosexuals, and since she had a whole group of them as a friend I had no problem with it. So it's not that. It's more her straight "guy friends". And I got some more stuff to say about this.....

 

The other night, other guy and I chatted for a bit at a coffee shop. He seems cool and everything. He and my gf were going out to an opera that night, so I say to him "So you and my girl are going out tonight huh?" Then I let my gf know what I said. I really don't know this guy so this was my way of letting him know where he stands, I stand, etc. I probably shouldn't have told my gf what I said but anyways, on to the next day, today.

 

She was distant and not speaking too much. I could sense something was wrong. But I didn't say anything. Eventually she brings up what I said to other guy last night. Apparently she thought I was being rude to him. I really wasn't, it was just something I just had to get out there. I mean, I have never dealt with anything like this before, so I'm really not too sure how to act. But I'm trying. I think we should all just hang out together but apparently it's not the right time yet. It's like she doesn't want his feelings to get hurt. I can understand that and everything but now it's just getting ridiculous. So then I was waiting for her to ask me if we were gonna hang out but she never did. She said bye and ran off to her desk before I had a chance to say bye. I thought, "OK, let's just see if she calls...."

 

When I got home I saw she left a meassage. She wanted to see if we were gonna hang out later. I said sure, and so I'm going over there after work. But anyways, that's what's going on with this guy situation. I am totally secure in this relationship. It is something I feel deep down. I don't have a problem with other guy, I just think I have a right to make it known where he stands. Also, I think we should all just hang out gee-whiz what's the big deal? She says "How would you feel if you were him?" I told him I would have found a girlfriend by now!!! I mean, she has known this guy for over 3 years, a lot longer than me so I really have no right to tell her anything about this. But I do have some rights though, don't I? You'd think most guys would give up once the girl says they are not interested in anything more than just a friendship, right? Even more so when they find out the girl gets a boyfriend, but apparently this guy has been a real good friend to her so why should t!

hey just stop being friends, right? I can understand that.

Also, she got a call from another guy the other day. Another guy friend who likes her!! And he wants to meet me. But anyways....

 

But on to the love thing. Maybe I'm feeling the way I do because I really haven't dated very many girls I have really liked. But this is one of them and I know what I like. Having her next to me in bed is just heaven. Stroking her hair until she falls asleep....kissing her gently on the forehead while she is sleeping.....I wouldn't do this for just any girl. She is special. I drive a really small Geo Metro and she doesn't think twice about riding in it with me, even though she owns a Lexus. I keep thinking to myself "When am I gonna get tired of her?", but I never do. Not seeing her for one day at a time is too long. Sometimes I think it's the perfect setup for saying those 3 little words. But you guys are right, what if she doesn't say them back?? I don't think I would take that very well. I will definitely wait. But Valentine's Day is coming up soon. What do I do?? Love is obviously a theme. Also, who should say it first? I know she definitely feels something for me. I tol!

d her I've never really been in love before. I was thinking of asking her what it's like.

 

And our kisses! When we kiss it is very passionate and long lasting. I hope I am not getting too mushy here but I am trying to give you all some idea of how things are with us. We are fans of PDA, something I would only do with someone I really like. This is a girl I would bring to meet my mother. And she wants me to meet her mom too! We have already bought each other Christmas presents. Nothing really expensive, however. My birthday is in the beginning of March and she was talking about getting something for me more personal than leather gloves (which is what I asked for), but now she was talking like she was gonna get me the gloves. What do you all think would be a good gift for me from her for my birthday? Should it be something personal like she was talking about? What if she does get the gloves? What would that mean, after she already said she should get something more personal??

 

Well, I hope you all will answer at least some of my questions. I appreciate your replies, Debster and katy-katt! I haven't had many replies to my post. I'll keep everyone updated......

[katy_katt]

OK, so the homosexual question has been sort of put to the ground, let's move on to this whole 'friend' thing.

 

First of all, I'm sure you are okay with the whole thing, but why? I really can't understand why she wouldn't want you to try and be friends with her friend, or why he woudn't want to try and hang out with the both of you once in a while. If this girl were me, I would probably be giving up some of my time with other guy to spend time with you, and not be doing things such as going out to a show with him (at least not without inviting you along). I mean, coffee's ok, but an opera seems a little personal to me. I have to wonder too, that if this guy is 'in love with her' as much as she says he is, I'm sure he must have mentioned your comment when they were out together, and might have made it sound less innocent than it actually was, changing her point of view of you. To be honest, the whole thing sounds a little creepy to me, and I don't understand why she would still be hanging out with this guy if he can't get the hint, whether he's been a really good friend to her or not.

 

Again (from my p.o.v. only), I would maybe try and distance myself a little from this guy because situations like that can be somewhat dangerous. How do I know? Well, I was in one like this myself once upon a time, and even though I told my bf (and myself) over and over again that I wasn't interested, there was nothing going on, we were just friends, etc. I realized a while later that wasn't the case (but in this case I invited him out with us numerous times and he never wanted to come). I mean, there really WAS nothing going on at the time, but after several months (after that relationship ended) I realized that I had actually been attracted to this guy and his affections the whole time, and was denying it even to myself.

 

I'm sorry, but it sounds like she's still working you a little bit, still playing the odd game here and there. I can sense that she is probably a little insecure, and this guy's affection is what is holding her back. I don't know how you can remedy this situation except by telling her that you would really appreciate it if you could finally sit down and talk with this guy and see what happens from there. If she doesn't want the three of you to hang out once in a while, then it may not be worth your while to stay with her, because you'll always be wondering when and why?

 

As for the love thing, it's hard to pinpoint a certain person's perspective on the subject. Saying "I love being with you" is definitely a start, but I still wouldn't say those three little words yet. You are having very strong feelings for her, I will grant you that, but it certainly hasn't been very long, and you're just in the first stage of your relationship...of course you're going to feel all mushy! Keep giving it time, boy...the fact that you're still asking about it should be sign enough.

[mighty bop]

Thanks for your reply katy. It's not that she doesn't want us to be friends, because she definitely does. That's the thing. I think it's a little how long it's been dragging on that we haven't spent time together. I mean, if he's just a guy friend, it should be no big deal, right? And she has given up spending time with other guy to be with me. She hardly ever sees him anymore. He was the one who kinda initiated that because he knew how I would probably feel about that. So I gotta respect him for that.

 

He probably did mention to her what I said. But just the othe day she was saying she and other guy had argued or something about what I said. I'm not too sure, she really doesn't talk very much about him anymore.

 

She still considers him a friend so that's why she still hangs out with him. She said before I came along, they used to hang out like everyday so she considers him her best friend and vice-versa. I still don't know what to think about that.

 

I agree, I think we should eventually meet for dinner and since it's been dragged on for this long, it will extra weird for us to hang out. I have, in fact, met him already, although it was very brief and not long enough to get a feel for him. She still says it would be too weird right now, so I guess she expects us to eventually hang out. Oh well, I'm not in any hurry.

 

Yeah about the love thing. It seems lke she is kind of hinting about it here and there. Like she wants me to say it to her.

 

I think another factor involved is that we are spending too much time with each other, I am actually losing sleep by being with her. This does not make me happy although I tolerated it for awhile just to be with her. I think we definitely need to spend less time together.

 

But anyways, we are supposed to do see a ballet tonight. First time for both of us. If you know anything about this stuff, then you know its potential for bonding and intimacy between two people. I think it will be really easy to say "I love you" tonight than ever before so I have to be really careful. I think things are going great between us and I even asked her about this and she agreed. So far, we really click and get along so I will keep everyone informed of any major changes!! Thanks for reading!

[mighty bop]

OK here's something new. Last night I was tinting her hair (I'm in cosmotlogy school.) Halfway through, she asks me if I would mind it if she got a haircut from a guy she works with that also happens to be a hairdresser. He had offered her one before she had even met me. I told her that I'm not happy with the idea, but I will not stop her. I don't know why she wants to do it, but the guy said he wants to compare our styles or something. Anyways, I told her that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't want the haircut, since my partner can give them to me at any time.

 

I told her that this girl at school kinda likes me and I have worked on her during one of our classes, so maybe she wants me to be a little jealous of another guy? She also told me she is a jealous girlfriend, which is pretty obvious. Not crazy-jealous though. I can be the jealous boyfriend, as seen with the "other guy" situation above. I think a little jealousy is healthy in a relationship though.

 

So what do you all think? Does she just want me to be jealous because she is jealous? Or should she not even be considering this? I wouldn't be if I were her.