Woggle Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 As you all know I have a friend going through a nasty divorce but until today the papers had yet to be served. Well he has given up trying to save the marriage and served her with papers to sign. She blew up at him and accused him of being a coward and not fighting for their marriage? WTF! She is the one that cheated on him and wanted out but he is the coward because he has given up trying to make it work. At this point he doesn't even want to make it work but wants it over as fast as possible. Now she is accusing him of abandoning her. I give him credit for having the backbone not to leave the house. She is staying with a friend and he is having the locks changed this weekend. Why is she all of a sudden so mad that he is moving on when she wanted it to be over? Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 She liked being the one in control (I imagine she was during the relationship at his expense - I reason this was the cause of the affair - he was seen as weak). Now that he has taken a stand and is moving on - she finds that somewhat attractive but also wants to bash him into submission which I think was the pattern before. Correct me if I have the wrong perception? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Well, I keep hearing that lots of people cheat because their 'needs' aren't being met. Perhaps, in her view, her needs weren't being met and she wanted out, but hoped that he would 'get it' that her needs weren't being met when he found out she cheated and wanted out. And hoped that would be the wake up call that would save their marriage. The divorce papers are the sign that he's not going to try to meet her needs, so she's upset. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted March 17, 2007 Author Share Posted March 17, 2007 She also blames me for their divorce. When she was leaving I was outside and she told me that I am a bad influence on him. What is he a child? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 She doesn't want a divorce ~ she wants him to change! And meet her needs! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted March 17, 2007 Author Share Posted March 17, 2007 She doesn't want a divorce ~ she wants him to change! And meet her needs! Well I guess it is too late for that. My friend is looking forward to the single life. Link to post Share on other sites
Erik Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Most people takes infidelity too serious. Compared to the misery that spouses perpetrate on each other during the daily hell of cohabitation, it's not really such a big deal. But blowing up over it, is a tradition that's hard to change. I think the cheated parties loves to get their hands on such an awesome weapon, so they tend to exaggerate it's importance, also to themselves. A little cheating should not be cause of a divorce. Modern living is immensely stressful, and one single night of sinning, can blow off years of pent up pressure. That doesn't mean you don't love you spouse. IMO, affairs often is used as alternatives to divorces. The strategy has a bad tendency to backfire, of course. Habitual cheating is something entirely else, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Exactly! That was certainly my experience. The ex left, already had a boyfriend but she filed for legal separation, only. I immediately counter-filed for divorce and she was enraged, outraged, toxic and ballistic , and still is 13 years later. It's all because, as you pointed out, I took the control away from her. She was no longer in the driver's seat. I was. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Quite a philosophy. Guess you'd condone it if your wife went out and got a little it on the side when the going got tough around the house, huh? Infidelity wold be an instant deal-breaker for me. All it woud take is once. Of course, that leaves you free to dabble occasionally, doesn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 She also blames me for their divorce. When she was leaving I was outside and she told me that I am a bad influence on him. What is he a child? If he didn't want to divorce her, he wouldn't have started the ball rolling. Noone can make him do what he doesn't want to do...BUT, with that being said, I'm sure you were an active part in helping him divorce her, not to give her a chance to work it out. His frame of mind obviously wasn't in a good place too......I'm just sayin'! Anyway, she has to take responsibility and look in the mirror of why he wants to divorce her. Not everybody can forgive a cheating spouse, and the person who cheated shouldn't expect a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Most people takes infidelity too serious. Compared to the misery that spouses perpetrate on each other during the daily hell of cohabitation, it's not really such a big deal. Do they not have VD in Denmark, then? Nobody gets AIDS there? HepC? Clamydia? If that's the case, it must be a just a REALLY swell place to live. Out here in the rest of the world though, we don't usually EXPECT to have no say in exposure to sexual contact with third parties. We like to decide for ourselves what kind of health risks we're willing to take. So, when a monogamous partner cheats and lies to us, EXPOSING us to whatever crud they happen to pick up without our consent... we tend to get a little pissed off about it. We won't even get started on the loss of intimacy that's caused by a partner expending his/her emotional energy outside the relationship. Anyway... Woggle. There's something of a fantasy bubble in which the WS has visualized how they expect everything to play out. Your friend isn't playing by the 'script', hence not meeting her expectations within the fantasy. That's gonna piss her off. The WW probably expected that he would pursue her, rising to the occasion like some kind of 'knight in shining armor'. This would've put her in the driver's seat and he would have had to meet whatever terms she'd set out in order to repair the marriage. He would also have to recognize whatever deficits he might have brought to the relationship as equal (and perhaps causal) to the infidelity. In fog-speak.... "I might have been wrong to cheat, but YOU were wrong too, because I wouldn't have cheated if you had treated me better". Clearly, he's elected not to do any of that. In general terms, people who cheat have rationalized their behavior in order to give themselves permission to engage in it. If your friend refuses to recognize his STBXW's 'rationalization', he invalidates it. That leaves them in an oppositional stance with each believing they're RIGHT. IOW, she most likely hasn't fully accepted that she was wrong to engage in the infidelity and that it's a separate issue from the previous state of the marriage. If that's the case, she still feels justified in her mind. A betrayed spouse might be responsible for 50% of what's wrong in the marriage, but the wayward spouse is responsible for 100% of the decision to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 WTF?What's so difficult to understand? Oh, I know, cuz you're not a woman and can't figure how we function! OK. One thing is vanity. It plays a big role. Another thing is her hurt feelings: she cheated because she wasn't happy with the marriage in the first place, and now after all she's gone through, he wants to get rid of her without fighting to get her back (that's her viewpoint, I am not defending her, just uncovering what's in her mind to quench your curiosity ). Ideally, he would have realized his mistakes and begged her to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Most people takes infidelity too serious. Compared to the misery that spouses perpetrate on each other during the daily hell of cohabitation, it's not really such a big deal. But blowing up over it, is a tradition that's hard to change. I think the cheated parties loves to get their hands on such an awesome weapon, so they tend to exaggerate it's importance, also to themselves. A little cheating should not be cause of a divorce. Modern living is immensely stressful, and one single night of sinning, can blow off years of pent up pressure. That doesn't mean you don't love you spouse. IMO, affairs often is used as alternatives to divorces. The strategy has a bad tendency to backfire, of course. Habitual cheating is something entirely else, of course. Very interesting. That's all I have to say, given I'm not married and nowhere near being so. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 My friend is looking forward to the single life. is your "friend" actually you WOGGLE? it sound like it is to me. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Most people takes infidelity too serious. Compared to the misery that spouses perpetrate on each other during the daily hell of cohabitation, it's not really such a big deal. But blowing up over it, is a tradition that's hard to change. I think the cheated parties loves to get their hands on such an awesome weapon, so they tend to exaggerate it's importance, also to themselves. A little cheating should not be cause of a divorce. Modern living is immensely stressful, and one single night of sinning, can blow off years of pent up pressure. That doesn't mean you don't love you spouse. IMO, affairs often is used as alternatives to divorces. The strategy has a bad tendency to backfire, of course. Habitual cheating is something entirely else, of course. I don't think this is so far fetched. But obviously this is something personal that each couple has to work out for themselves. My H knows that we would be headed for divorce pretty quickly if he started playing dirty during arguments. To me this is a much more important aspect of our relationship then if there was a one time sexual encounter. End thread hyjack, especially since I'm not going to be on for a couple days to respond to all the negative feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 is your "friend" actually you WOGGLE? it sound like it is to me. It's Woggle who analyzes the situation in his masculinistic manner. The friend is just a typical guy who had a bad marriage, his wife cheated, and he is getting divorced. Woggle represented the situation as if his friend is all made of backbone spitting fire at his STB-ex... In fact, he might be completely lost, confused, and broken-hearted, crying over his destroyed marriage. I am pretty sure that the case and he is far from the cold-blooded macho "spineful" hero who showed the bitch the door and through her suitcase in the snow. (out of the window like the feministic whore deserves!) Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 It's Woggle who analyzes the situation in his masculinistic manner. The friend is just a typical guy who had a bad marriage, his wife cheated, and he is getting divorced. Woggle represented the situation as if his friend is all made of backbone spitting fire at his STB-ex... In fact, he might be completely lost, confused, and broken-hearted, crying over his destroyed marriage. I am pretty sure that the case and he is far from the cold-blooded macho "spineful" hero who showed the bitch the door and through her suitcase in the snow. (out of the window like the feministic whore deserves!) could you please change your avatar RP? I keep getting erections whenever I see it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 She also blames me for their divorce. When she was leaving I was outside and she told me that I am a bad influence on him. What is he a child? Next time Woggle she says that, YOU tell her to her face, or on the phone really loud that SHE caused all of this by HER cheating! Not you, or her Husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 What's so difficult to understand? Oh, I know, cuz you're not a woman and can't figure how we function! OK. One thing is vanity. It plays a big role. Another thing is her hurt feelings: she cheated because she wasn't happy with the marriage in the first place, and now after all she's gone through, he wants to get rid of her without fighting to get her back (that's her viewpoint, I am not defending her, just uncovering what's in her mind to quench your curiosity ). Ideally, he would have realized his mistakes and begged her to stay. It's called Double Standards! That why he said it. If a person's not a woman, then you can't play the game, so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 It's Woggle who analyzes the situation in his masculinistic manner. The friend is just a typical guy who had a bad marriage, his wife cheated, and he is getting divorced. Woggle represented the situation as if his friend is all made of backbone spitting fire at his STB-ex... In fact, he might be completely lost, confused, and broken-hearted, crying over his destroyed marriage. I am pretty sure that the case and he is far from the cold-blooded macho "spineful" hero who showed the bitch the door and through her suitcase in the snow. (out of the window like the feministic whore deserves!) It DOES happen though. Link to post Share on other sites
Erik Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Guess you'd condone it if your wife went out and got a little it on the side when the going got tough around the house, huh? Yes. It would hurt me, but handled the right way, it would make the going around the house better. Link to post Share on other sites
Erik Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Do they not have VD in Denmark, then? Nobody gets AIDS there? HepC? Clamydia? We have VD in Denmark. Not as bad as in the US of course, but then we learn about condoms and such in school. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 She liked being the one in control (I imagine she was during the relationship at his expense - I reason this was the cause of the affair - he was seen as weak). Now that he has taken a stand and is moving on - she finds that somewhat attractive but also wants to bash him into submission which I think was the pattern before. Correct me if I have the wrong perception? I think you are right! At least in my situation. Like the guy in question, I filed for divorce after being abandoned by my ex for 5 months. My ex got SOOOOO mad. I was doing things "behind his back" like protecting my assets, closing our joint bank account (all of my money, his money was in his own account and I had no access to it ever) and changing the locks on our house (he was living in his own apartment and I denied him nothing). My ex was the one who was in control of our relationship and this was the first time I started doing things without asking him first. He didnt like it. I agree with only one thing Erik has said, and that affairs are usually symptoms of a bad relationship. And I admit that I wasnt meeting my ex's needs, NOR did he ever give me a chance to do so, he refused to ever talk about anything. Nothing justifies cheating, but if the affair is an exit affair, then it usually indicates unmet needs and it's possible to recover from. If it's repeatable, then get out of the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted March 17, 2007 Author Share Posted March 17, 2007 is your "friend" actually you WOGGLE? it sound like it is to me. No he is not me. I am very happy in my marriage. Getting back to the point he did try to fight for his marriage. This has been going on about a year and he has tried MC, begging her to stay and promising to change yet none of this has worked. She still wanted the divorce but now that he has given up and doesn't even want to work on it anymore she is angry with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts