I am curious to what everyone thinks of this. Red alert?

[Guest]

So, this is odd, but I just got engaged last month. Let's call my fiance Steve. At the beginning of our relationship, which has only been a few months thus far (!) (Yes, I know, very early to be engaged!) he could not keep his hands off me! And I know that everyone believes the first few months to be the "honeymoon stage" in which this happens and things settle down, but now he doesn't ever want to hang out with me, he just accepts me as part of the furniture, really. (We don't live together, I just visit/he visits a lot. Like, every day.)

 

This last week has been just a roller coaster. On Tuesday night, I admitted to going through his phone because I was just so curious about the two ex-girlfriends he had called one day, and I wanted to know about it. I also admitted that one of our mutual friends has been giving me "dirt" about his exes. (Everyone wants to know, I mean, come on.) All I wanted to know was if they were prettier/nicer/smarter than me. He and I got into a HUGE fight about it because he said I was "investigating" him...which I was, really. Who doesn't? He said if I wanted to know about his exes I should have just asked him directly. But who does that?

 

On Wednesday, he went out to the bar with his friend Jake, who was recently separated from his fiancee and was out looking to "get some". Red flag. So, I called Steve at 2 in the morning because he said he was going to need a ride. I called him constantly for about an hour...and then he turned off his phone! (!) He finally called me the next morning at like, ten, and told me how "wasted" he had gotten, and that he was sorry he didn't call me. I was so worried about him I called the police to see if they had picked up anyone for a DUI!

 

Then, tonight I was kind of looking at his My Space page (yes, I know), and I saw a comment from one of his ex girlfriends about how it was "great to see him at the bar two nights in a row"! (! ! !) I called him tonight crying, because first of all, he ditched me to hang out with "the boys" even though we had plans, and he told me I shouldn't jump to conclusions and that he loves me sooo much, blah blah, he would never lie to me, he was surprised that I didn't trust him, and he bumped into her twice at the bar two separate nights, coincidentally.

 

Hm.

 

I really honestly do NOT know whether to believe him or not. He sounded sincere when he was explaining himself. Do you all think I have a right to be paranoid? Or am I overdoing it?

 

Thank you for your help, guys!!

[norajane]

Seeing as you are engaged to be married - a lifetime commitment! - to someone you don't yet know very well, I'm not surprised that there are a lot of things you do want to know about, including his relationships with his ex-girlfriends, why he treats you like part of the furniture, what his going out/drinking habits are, and if he's capable of cheating.

 

You two have a lot to talk about. You don't know for sure if he is trustworthy - that's why you couldn't ask him directly about his exes and his whereabouts, and that's why you don't believe he 'coincidentally' ran into his exes two nights in a row. Next time he says he can't believe you don't trust him, point out that you haven't known each other very long or very well.

 

I think a lot of this is coming from getting so deep into your relationship so quickly - trust and faith comes with time and with people showing you they are trustworthy. I don't think you need to freak out yet, but I think you should keep your eyes open.

 

I do, however, think you should be more concerned that he treats you like furniture. THAT is something concrete and that he can't say you're just being paranoid about. For now, concentrate on the quality of your relationship. If that's not good, it doesn't matter what he's doing when he's not with you.

[tommyr]

Sounds like both of you are very young and still getting to know each other.

All I can suggest is that your engagement should be a very LOOOOONG one (like maybe 2 years) so you guys can work through these issues before its too late.

[lorr]

IMHO the both of you are not mature enough to handle getting engaged. Its way too early to even be thinking of going down that route, and to be fair both of you really don't know each other that well.

[whichwayisup]

Sounds like he isn't ready to settle down and live by committment, so whatever you do, DO NOT marry him. Postpone the wedding until you both decide what you want.

 

He didn't call, didn't think of checking in with you - When you're in a committed relationship, out of respect it's just something you do. If he had called and said "I'm completely wasted and going to crash at a buddy's house" you would maybe be abit miffed at him, but you wouldn't be worried about him.

 

He also shouldn't be hanging out at bars with his ex's...Makes me wonder if he knew they were gonna be there or if it just happened to be that way.

 

You should be included in his nights out more, not sitting at home. You two should be going out alone together too, without his friends or his ex's around.

 

Here's just an idea, but maybe you two should talk about pre wedding counselling (I forget what it's actually called), hopefully that can help.

[Trialbyfire]

If a guy is treating you like furniture so soon, big red flag. The red flag isn't necessarily about cheating, it's about taking someone for granted. Imagine what it would be like after you get married, once he's got you legally tied to him.

 

Tell him to grow up and do something about his neglect before he loses you. If he ends up making a serious attempt to rectify this, you had also better be willing to trust him.

 

I'm going to be completely honest with you. While I firmly believe that both of you need your own lives to an extent, bar hopping with a friend on the make is probably not the best way to do this. It's way too tempting to get some from some of the barflies if you don't have the discipline. Myself, I would probably run from this guy because he's already shown you his true colours with his neglect.

[PracticalShade]

Engagement calls for a level of commitment that he does not seem to be honoring. Calling his ex girlfriends? Turning off his phone, at a bar, when he knows his fiancee is trying to get a hold of him?

 

As far as bars go, I don't think bars should be frequented once ya get to a serious level unless it's one of those things you and your significant other do together.

[ibitealil]

All of those guys commented on you have good points.

 

1) it is too early to be engaged, u have to work on urselves and on ur relationship beforehand

2) I know girls always curious about ur bfs exes (i did too) but it is so not cool investigating his past issues like a spy. Men dont like drama. The more u spy on him or bring up the issues or cry on the phone the more he loses respect on u and he gets fed up with u. First time u do it he will try to talk to u, then if it gets frequent he will simply start to ignore u(which it pretty much sounds like he does now) Plz try to control your emotions and try talking wisely and honestly to each other.

3) No one can tell you if u can trust him or not. because u know him better than us.

 

Hope you can work on with ur relationship and make it better and please dont get me wrong i just wanted to help because i made mistakes myself before :-)

 

Good luck!

[Guest]

Big Red Flag.. IF he's engaged why does he hangout at the bar why doesn't he take you with him? you're going to be his wife soon... I would questions his actions