open communication or meddling?

[frozenbutt]

Is it too much to ask what your boyfriend or girlfriend is doing at all times when you’re not there; who they’re hanging out with, who’s calling them, etc.

 

At what point does open communication with each other become meddling?

 

Is there anymore privacy now that you’re in a committed relationship?

 

Also, with regards to Ex’s, should one always tell the other when their Ex contacts them or vise-versa?

 

What is healthy communication in a realtionship?

 

I’d like to hear thoughts; particularly, how people deal with this in their current relationships.

[Tony T]

1. Is it too much to ask what your boyfriend or girlfriend is doing at all times when you’re not there; who they’re hanging out with, who’s calling them, etc.

 

Yes, absolutely. All human beings are entitled to their own lives and their privacy. If you need this kind of information, find somebody who doesn't mind sharing it on a continuing basis. Most people don't like to feel tied down, smothered, followed, etc. and requiring this kind of knowledge is doing just those things. Most people would run away fast from somebody who needed this kind of information all the time.

 

2. At what point does open communication with each other become meddling?

 

Open communication has to do with feelings more than events. It's nice to know what your partner has been up to but only accept what they're willing to share. Delving into minutia is not what people want others to do in their lives. Communicate and communicate often. Start that dialogue by finding out the other person's boundaries...exactly what they are willing to talk about in their lives and what they feel they want to keep private and to themselves.

 

Just because we are seeing somebody or married to them does not entitle us to every little part of their soul. That's what most people fear the most will happen in relationships.

 

3. Is there anymore privacy now that you’re in a committed relationship?

 

I'm not in a committed relationship now but the level of privacy that exists in any relationship should be that which is necessary to the individual. That should be respected and observed by the other person or the relationship just won't work. People do not want to become totally engulfed by another individual.

 

4. Also, with regards to Ex’s, should one always tell the other when their Ex contacts them or vise-versa?

 

If you are in a committed relationship, yes, that information should be shared. First, you ought to find out just how your partner feels about such contacts. There are a lot of people who just don't feel it's wise for their partners to have contact with exes but it depends on the maturity of the individuals involved.

 

But, yes, I do think this kind of information should be shared in a kind, loving way without deep probing. If either has a problem with the contact, it should be discussed and resolved immediately. Both partners have to show respect for each other and a willingness to compromise. Nobody should risk a good relationship just to have contact with an ex.

[frozenbutt]

Below I posted a comment made by sparkle in a different thread.

 

My question to it is:

So how do you determine if they're getting too "close and friendly" without being overbearing?

 

It seems there is a fine line here of how you can determine it without being overbearing. I'd like to know that process?

 

Also, somewhat off-topic:

If they are his/her friends then they can be my friends too right?

 

posted by

sparkle

 

But do go with your gut feeling. If it seems she's getting too "close and friendly" with these guy friends, then you should get out of the relationship.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=13547&highlight=guy+friends

[frozenbutt]

anyone have any thoughts/suggestions?

[Debster]

Wow, you have just so many questions and they all seem to do with trust. Either you don't trust this person or you have a self-esteem problem. Which is it?

[frozenbutt]

I have a problem trusting her because of the way we got together....she was courting me while she still had a boyfriend.

 

The situation was a perfect example of Tony's theory on women lining up a man before breaking up with their current one.

 

I want to trust her but am just having trouble. I knew this would be an issue getting into the relationship. I just don't know how to address or deal with it. That's why I have trouble trusting her.

 

But maybe the only way to deal with it is not to worry about her possible disloyalty. And give her my 100% trust till anything actually happens.

However I don't want her lining up a man while she continues to date me. I'd rather let her go, unlike what her past boyfriend did. Maybe that's impossible. And I realize that I'm a hypocrite.