Just Friends?

[willsmom]

Hi all, i am new to the forum and have read some of the threads with great interest. I see that many of you believe that NC is the secret to success when dealing with an ex. This is something that I know in my heart is required in my situation but i have never been good at practising it and so my situation continues to go round in circles........

 

My ex Dave and i first got together in April 2005. He was not long out of a relationship and feeling hurt and bitter,I had been divorced for 5 years.I suppose looking back i was the rebouund girlfriend, however we got on so well and quickly grew very close. I supported him a lot through diffcult imes with his ex and he frequently told me how much he appreciated my support and how i'd given more help and support than anyone in his past.Our kids loved each other and for a while life was perfect.

 

I fell in love with him quickly but by my own admission I was at times very insecure, i think i scared him, particularly when i pushed him for more and more time and attention. A year later, during an argument, i pushed him too far and he told me he wasnt ready for a serious relationship. He used my children as a reason/excuse but i'm still doubtful that was the real reason.

 

Instead of backing off and giving him time i acted like a crazy woman and flipped.....i went through sheer hell for a couple of weeks, crying and phoning him begging him to talk to me.Eventually it got to the point where he asked me to leave him alone...i realised then that my behaviour was out of order and getting me nowhere.It was my problem, not his.....and then when i did back off, he came back and asked if we could try again....

 

During the time that followed, he really opened up to me, told me often how he loved me ( until that time he never said the words) and about his own fears and insecurities and for a while things were great...and then i felt him pulling away again. I tried to talk to him, and again he told me he didnt want a serious relationship '

 

This time i walked away, hoping that he would realise his loss. No hysteria or tears.I tried the no contact for a few weeks but eventually caved in.,I missed him and panicked that he would forget me and move on.....I contacted him but have only ever remained friendly towards him.....

 

We've never discussed getting back together, although we have remained in touch throughout the last 6 months,as 'friends; More recently we have been hugging and kissing, and i've hoped for the last few weeks that he would suggest getting back together.We meet up for coffee, sometimes he's flirtly, other times caring and friendly and other times more aloof or acting almost jealousy...wanting to know where i've been and what i've been doing.We've reminisced about the past , things we've done together and we both enjoy each others company but things dont seem to be progressing as i want.

 

When he doesnt text for a while, i am usually the one to get in touch. I really want us back together as a couple but dont know what to do....i want him to come to me, when he feels ready, i dont want to push and make him feel uncomfortable , i feel often we have been on the brink of a reconcilliation, and just as i feel that we will take that final step.... he's backed off.

 

At the moment he' pulling back and i'm feeling hurt and angry.I know he still cares, he's told me that he does and he knows i care about him, why else would i keep up the contact?......but I also feel that he's playing with my feelings....so where do we go from here.

 

Do i go down the no contact route too?

 

I would very much appreciate your advice and look forward to hearing from anyone who has experienced something similar or who is able to see things a little more clearly than me!

 

Thankyou

 

Debs x

[lorr]

What you need to remember is that if he really wanted to be with you then he would, regardless of the situation both of you went through.

 

First of all you need to stop initiating contact with him, and just leave him alone. This whole business of being friends is not going to work as you are clearly clinging on to the hope that both of you will get back together.

 

Once you stop pursuing him and you start moving on with your life, it will have either one or two effects. He'll either start to realise that he doesn't want to lose you and will get in contact with you,(or) he won't even take a blind bit of notice but either way you've got nothing to lose except someone that you haven't got anyway.

[willsmom]

What you need to remember is that if he really wanted to be with you then he would, regardless of the situation both of you went through.

 

First of all you need to stop initiating contact with him, and just leave him alone. This whole business of being friends is not going to work as you are clearly clinging on to the hope that both of you will get back together.

 

Once you stop pursuing him and you start moving on with your life, it will have either one or two effects. He'll either start to realise that he doesn't want to lose you and will get in contact with you,(or) he won't even take a blind bit of notice but either way you've got nothing to lose except someone that you haven't got anyway.

 

Thanks for that advice lorr.

I think i already knew that...but it's hard to let go and as long as i'm there at his beck and call he doesn't need to make any more effort. Clearly i do want to get back with him and he very often gives the impression that he feels the same way.I guess there's only one way to find out...so i think it's time to do what i should have done ages ago.....NC!

 

Debs