pleaserespond Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Hi all! Would appreciate very much your opinions or comments concerning the following situation: Man and wife of 15+ years marriage, no children. Both decent people, no argument etc. Life seems peaceful. However the fact is that not long after getting married H was extremely disappointed by the personality incompatibility and lack of sex (either because H doesn't feel attracted enough or W doesn't have sexual desire at all, or both). W unaware of anything wrong about the marriage, being perfectly content with everything, especially the (good) H never shows any dissatisfaction. H meets an unmarried woman and both find each other a soulmate. H hopes to divorce W and marry the second woman, however he does not do so right away. He waits for several years, *during which he does everything possible to help the W* establish herself, get her a secure and well-paid job, trying to fullfilling his marriage commitment. H treats W as kind as any decent man can. There is no affair between H and the second woman--they never meet each other privately. After the H helps W to be in a position that she can live independently for the rest of her life, he asks for divorce. What would you think if this H is your friend, colleague, etc.? Do you approve or disapprove him? Do you sympathize with either H (for unhappiness in marriage) or W (for divorce)? Thank you for your time! Link to post Share on other sites
mikicmikido Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 I think that the husband is ridiculous and arrogant. Fulfilling the marriage obligation? What kind of obligation is it if he is there to help the wife get self-sufficient just so that he can continue on with his plan for a divorce? I think that is despicable. This woman has endured a sham of a marriage where she obviously put her trust in this phoney guy who is so obnoxious that he feels he can leave happily and feeling like a big person just because he set her up financially. Marriage is not a business. It is about love and trust. I think that the guy has a lack of depth in his character for him to behave like this. Has he considered that he has wasted the years of her life that she has invested in this person when she could have been with somebody else who actually loved her? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Me? I see it for what it is ~ his and her business, as in between "A" and "B" and "C" my way out of it! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 I think that the husband is ridiculous and arrogant. Fulfilling the marriage obligation? What kind of obligation is it if he is there to help the wife get self-sufficient just so that he can continue on with his plan for a divorce? I think that is despicable. This woman has endured a sham of a marriage where she obviously put her trust in this phoney guy who is so obnoxious that he feels he can leave happily and feeling like a big person just because he set her up financially. Marriage is not a business. It is about love and trust. I think that the guy has a lack of depth in his character for him to behave like this. Has he considered that he has wasted the years of her life that she has invested in this person when she could have been with somebody else who actually loved her? Thanks a lot for your reply. As expected, your reply gives the impression as if you believe the W loves the H but the H doesn't love the W. What if that's not the case? Say the H never felt being loved. (Remember not all divorces are unjustified!) The marriage is like a roommate relationship (plus financial sharing of course). Take this as a *given*: there's no love, plain and simple. Anyway, *given that* (1) there's no love, (2) no kids involved, (3) H has always treated W well, (4) an immdiate divorce will put W in difficult situation--given these, if anyone thinks what this man does is ridiculous or unacceptable, are the following better alternatives: (a) H stays in marriage for rest of life for W's sake, though they have no love for each other (result: W has secure future, H emotionally unsatisfied for rest of life), (b) H asks for separation or divorce right away without caring about the difficult situation he'll put W in (this may not even be doable, legally speaking). If you were the H in this story, what would you do? Again, any response will be greatly appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 It sounds like H is trying to do the noble thing to W by making her stand on her own before he leaves... The problem is, this is actually insulting-- even if the roles were reversed. Seems like in this situation, pity is what is involved instead of love. And I agree somewhat with the previous comment that H is somewhat arrogant. If I were W, I would feel very humiliated if I found the truth. A) H didn't think that W has enough self-esteem and self-worth to think that she can survive without him. B) It's a sham if H thinks that this act redeems himself in the eyes of W by trying to "help her out". H is only prolonging the pain, as W may feel that all along, H was a very supportive, giving and understanding husband by helping her come to know herself. So, I guess, H should place himself in W's shoes. What would you do if the roles were reversed? Do you think it would be fair if you found out W didn't love you, or was attracted to you but felt compelled to help you stand on your own two feet because W felt that you weren't capable of doing so without W's help? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 I agree with #5 on some points, however what if the W indeed doesn't have much self-esteem, and an immediate divorce will indeed put her in a difficult situation? My view is that even if so, if the H is a real GENTLEMAN, he would: Divorce W as soon as possible, but still helps her within his capabillity. I think that you don't have be married in order to help her, assuming that you are sincere about helping her. What he's doing now is fooling three people: the W, the unmarried woman, himself. At the end he may not get the love from that unmarried woman since apparently she's not being first in his heart. I really think the truth is that this man is doing something very SELFISH, although he may not realize it: he wants to be called a man of conscience, but if the truth is known to all, no one would call such a man a man of conscience. It's because things are known only to himself at present. Such a man doesn't deserve love. I wonder what that unmarried woman thinks? Can she continue to love him for the period of time when he was helping the W and not marrying herself? Does she think this man a gentleman of conscience who treats wife nicely? I doubt! It sounds like H is trying to do the noble thing to W by making her stand on her own before he leaves... The problem is, this is actually insulting-- even if the roles were reversed. Seems like in this situation, pity is what is involved instead of love. And I agree somewhat with the previous comment that H is somewhat arrogant. If I were W, I would feel very humiliated if I found the truth. A) H didn't think that W has enough self-esteem and self-worth to think that she can survive without him. B) It's a sham if H thinks that this act redeems himself in the eyes of W by trying to "help her out". H is only prolonging the pain, as W may feel that all along, H was a very supportive, giving and understanding husband by helping her come to know herself. So, I guess, H should place himself in W's shoes. What would you do if the roles were reversed? Do you think it would be fair if you found out W didn't love you, or was attracted to you but felt compelled to help you stand on your own two feet because W felt that you weren't capable of doing so without W's help? Link to post Share on other sites
mikicmikido Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Even if it is true that they are basically roommates and that she doesn't love him, the H is still acting like he is some kind of martyr. Why wouldn't he just talk openly and HONESTLY with the wife if they are both not in love, and come up with a plan so that she could be financially stable and secure (all very mysteriously described by the way) without the guise of a happy marriage? Something strange here I think. By the way, is the poster the Husband by any chance? Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 I think a divorce is in order and it is a shame he did not let her know he was so miserable as perhaps they could have gone their separate ways sooner. Maybe she would have found Mr. Perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
AHIWON Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Wrong to hide things from your partner, especially something with an impact that big. An emotional affair with AW and the W gets no choice if she would like to stay or go......for years! Totally unfair. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts