Is there any hope for us? (LONG)

[hurting_in_nw]

Well put Gunny.

[Gunny376]

Once again Gunny, square in the bullseye. You should write a book with that title "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex, and Women Don't Get Enough Love"

if it doesn't exist yet. The problems seem to happen when one person has overwhelming emotional needs for a period in the relationship. It always weems that one person has a lot more ability to give and accept thodse needs than the other. I've now heard of so many divorces happening after a major stress event like a death in the family. Suddenly one person just gets too needy for the other for a timer and things fall apart.

 

"Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex And Women Don't Get Enough Love" by Jonathan Kramer, Ph.D and Diane Dunaway, Pocket Books. a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. ISBN 0-671-68977-0 $18.95 hard copy editon.

[Gunny376]

Well put Gunny.

 

Thanks HNNY!

 

Trouble is?

 

Its usually about this time that Tonto (me), is looking around for Kemosombe (LJ) to come get me out of the corner I've painted myself into. She's the brains of the outfit, I'm just the muscle!

 

I sometimes let my alligator mouth talk more smack than my Jaybird azz can tote the note on!

[LakesideDream]

I've been following this thread from the beginning. It's a sad one for sure. While reading I realized how lucky I am that I am far enough away from the pain you are feeling (six years) to be able to follow the thread without sinking into a depression.

 

El-Producto, your situation is so very typical. Move a few years around here and there and you are telling my story, as well as many others.

 

The advice you are getting is spot on. Your WAW has checked out of the relationship and is feeling pretty smug about herself. Her OM is the answer to her dreams. In actuallity he answers one of your "dreams" as well. At his age (sounds about same as mine) he isn't going to want to begin raising children with all the responsibility again. That especially goes for someone elses kids. He's pretty happy with the young p*ssy he's enjoying, because it's "part time p*ssy" that only costs him the time he's investing and the money he spends. When responsibility sneaks in things will change in a hurry.

 

When he finds himself on the road to being a full time husband/step father don't be suprised if his ears begin bleeding and he runs for the tall tree's. When it happens you will get the last laugh. It will help too.. winning feels good.

 

When it happens you will have to make some decisions. I hope you have a beautiful dolly on your arm, (and under your body often) to moderate your response. Believe me, your life will be changed forever, and you will NEVER feel the same way about your soon to be ex. Right now, you want the comfort and stability of your family. You need to consider the reality that it will never be the same. I know I wouldn't take my WAW back for any reason. Why? Because I could never respect her. Nor could I forgive her. I would never be able to overlook her actions, the damage was to extensive... as the damage done to you is. It's time to salvage what you can of your self respect, self esteem, and lifestyle. Don't give your WAW's needs one single thought. Look out for your children, and look away from her.

 

Additionally, I would stop communicating with her completely. Communication hurts you emotionally, even physically. She knows this. When you communicate she gets to "play" you, lie to you, humiliate you.. emasculate you, all things that give her pleasure. She's having a great time turning you into a puddle of puss. Don't give her that satisfaction.

 

My advice comes with a cavet. It will take you a long time to "get over" your whole mess. It won't happen in months, or even a year or two it will take awhile. Try and be strong so those years are not completely wasted.

 

I feel for you dude. Keep reading what your posters are writing, it's good advice. Learn to distain your soon to be ex. She deserves it.

 

In my life, my moment of equality came when my ex needed help with medical bills a year after the divorce. She got my adult daughter to lie to me to get money.. her effort failed at the last moment. When she (the ex) communicated with me trying to salvage her plan, I was able to refuse.. then say to her: "Don't you get it? I wouldn't p*ss on you if your hair was on fire". That was liberating, and very satisfying. Your day will come too El-Producto. Steady man, gather your strength.

[Gunny376]

I've been following this thread from the beginning. It's a sad one for sure. While reading I realized how lucky I am that I am far enough away from the pain you are feeling (six years) to be able to follow the thread without sinking into a depression.

 

El-Producto, your situation is so very typical. Move a few years around here and there and you are telling my story, as well as many others.

 

The advice you are getting is spot on. Your WAW has checked out of the relationship and is feeling pretty smug about herself. Her OM is the answer to her dreams. In actuallity he answers one of your "dreams" as well. At his age (sounds about same as mine) he isn't going to want to begin raising children with all the responsibility again. That especially goes for someone elses kids. He's pretty happy with the young p*ssy he's enjoying, because it's "part time p*ssy" that only costs him the time he's investing and the money he spends. When responsibility sneaks in things will change in a hurry.

 

When he finds himself on the road to being a full time husband/step father don't be suprised if his ears begin bleeding and he runs for the tall tree's. When it happens you will get the last laugh. It will help too.. winning feels good.

 

When it happens you will have to make some decisions. I hope you have a beautiful dolly on your arm, (and under your body often) to moderate your response. Believe me, your life will be changed forever, and you will NEVER feel the same way about your soon to be ex. Right now, you want the comfort and stability of your family. You need to consider the reality that it will never be the same. I know I wouldn't take my WAW back for any reason. Why? Because I could never respect her. Nor could I forgive her. I would never be able to overlook her actions, the damage was to extensive... as the damage done to you is. It's time to salvage what you can of your self respect, self esteem, and lifestyle. Don't give your WAW's needs one single thought. Look out for your children, and look away from her.

 

Additionally, I would stop communicating with her completely. Communication hurts you emotionally, even physically. She knows this. When you communicate she gets to "play" you, lie to you, humiliate you.. emasculate you, all things that give her pleasure. She's having a great time turning you into a puddle of puss. Don't give her that satisfaction.

 

My advice comes with a cavet. It will take you a long time to "get over" your whole mess. It won't happen in months, or even a year or two it will take awhile. Try and be strong so those years are not completely wasted.

 

I feel for you dude. Keep reading what your posters are writing, it's good advice. Learn to distain your soon to be ex. She deserves it.

 

In my life, my moment of equality came when my ex needed help with medical bills a year after the divorce. She got my adult daughter to lie to me to get money.. her effort failed at the last moment. When she (the ex) communicated with me trying to salvage her plan, I was able to refuse.. then say to her: "Don't you get it? I wouldn't p*ss on you if your hair was on fire". That was liberating, and very satisfying. Your day will come too El-Producto. Steady man, gather your strength.

 

 

OoooooooRaaaaahhhhh! You the man LakesideDream! You tha' MAN!!!!

All freaking day strong!

You're getting some really good stuff her Bro! Wished LS had been around when I had to walk through all of this alone!

[El-Producto]

Thank you so much Lakeside.. that is one of the most thoughtful, and helpful posts I've read in a longtime. No offense Gunny, and LJ, you guys are the best.

 

I actually feel relieved, and I'm starting to pack up her clothes and getting them out of MY bedroom. Too many bad memories.

[Gunny376]

Thank you so much Lakeside.. that is one of the most thoughtful, and helpful posts I've read in a longtime. No offense Gunny, and LJ, you guys are the best.

 

I actually feel relieved, and I'm starting to pack up her clothes and getting them out of MY bedroom. Too many bad memories.

 

Hey! None taken! Lakesidedreams hit it dead on!

[ilmw]

 

I was able to refuse.. then say to her: "Don't you get it? I wouldn't p*ss on you if your hair was on fire". That was liberating, and very satisfying. Your day will come too El-Producto. Steady man, gather your strength.

 

 

Damn...:lmao::lmao::lmao:.. Now that made me laugh

 

I kinda felt like this with my ex( before) DW.... she did the cheating thing too... after 6 yrs together. The anger can be used to help... in getting over her... just don't let it become all encompassing.

 

Get over her... and get over the anger... quicker.

[Ladyjane14]

Should I demand to stay in the home? I know she will be furious, but how do I deal with her having the children when I'm at home. She is staying at her parents when I'm here, but they don't live in the same area as my kids go to school. Why is it when I try to stick to my guns, she ends up making me back down. But I want her stuff out of the house, because every time I look at it, I get sentimental and stuff.

 

You don't need her permission. It's your house. She doesn't have the right to put you out of it. Simply tell her that the "trading spaces" arrangement doesn't work for you and that you intend to live in YOUR home. Don't argue, don't fight, don't discuss.

 

Listen... just for the sake of keeping you out of trouble, why not pretend that she's got an imaginary LAWYER standing right next to her at all times.

You might not be able to see him... but let's make believe he's ALWAYS there. Then it's a simple matter of acting like you would if he really was standing there, observing everything you do, "live and in person". I think that'll help you keep your temper under control as well as to remind you to disengage whenever she tries to draw you in.

 

Oh, and I spoke to the OM's Ex-Wife, and she shed some enlightenment on the OM. My WW is in for a ride.

 

Don't ask me to be surprised.

 

Man, I wish we had a chat room, so I could talk realtime to you people, you are all so helpful.

 

We had a chat room for awhile. I don't even know if it's still there to tell you the truth.

It was set up for "subscribing members"... but not too many people seemed to utilize it.

 

 

Anyway, as far as your next legal moves... I would suggest the you see an attorney. I don't know much about mediation, but I'm sure your attorney can point you in the right direction on that. You might also check for some basic information online. Sites like divorcenet.com can start you out with some state-by-state law if you're in the U.S., and they have some international information as well. Once again, on-line information isn't as good as going right to the horse's mouth though, so make sure you're getting at least some guidance that's local to your area.

 

In emotional terms... and if you're REALLY sure you're ready... you'll probably do well to 'strike while the iron is hot'. IOW, if she wants out of this thing right NOW... you're in a better position to negotiate for more of what YOU want. Divorces are like business in a way... there's a supply and demand element. If she's got a large "demand", you can get a better asking price.

 

You might take a look at Stampy's thread too. If memory serves, he's moving fast on his divorce.

[Ladyjane14]

Damn...:lmao::lmao::lmao:.. Now that made me laugh

 

Dude... I'm glad you re-posted... I almost missed it. I was still chortling at Gunny's "Jaybird azz"! :laugh:

[Gunny376]

Dude... I'm glad you re-posted... I almost missed it. I was still chortling at Gunny's "Jaybird azz"! :laugh:

 

chortling:

 

chortle verb laugh in a breathy, gleeful way. noun a breathy, gleeful laugh. ORIGIN coined by Lewis Carroll in Through the Looking Glass; probably a blend of chuckle and snort

[El-Producto]

Well, I'm really struggling. My STBXW is continuing her relationship with OM, and now is practically doing so out in the open. I mean, she isn't even giving me time to grieve. She says that she feels bad, and knows it is hard, on me... but then she continues to see him, and even talks about him to me. She just doesn't think that what she is doing is wrong. She says that she has a right to be happy, but don't I too?

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to end this. We are seeing a mediator this week, and are going to start the legal separation agreement. I'm planning to buy her out of the house, and I'm actually excited about not having to live with her clutter and mess. However she wants to continue staying at the house when I'm at work, and leaving when I'm there. I don't want her to have no place to go, and I know she can't afford it because I've always paid for EVERYTHING. She is really going to find it hard, and I really don't want a messy divorce. I can't handle the emotional struggle that that would bring.

 

Some days I feel really good lately. And the bad times seem to be shorter and fewer and far between. I KNOW I'm going to be okay through all of this, but some days it REALLY hurts. I guess I'm just mad that she seems happy, but I have to remember that she was invloved emotionally with the OM for at least 6 months, so she has given up on our marriage long ago. But I think that I deserve at least some respect, as far as her laying low for a bit, while things settle down.

 

Unfortunately she is losing friends over this. A couple of our mutual friends have basically stopped talking to her, and I think she is going to lose more in the process.

 

Sorry for rambling, but I just need to know how to survive while she continues this relationship. It's literally making me sick.

 

Thanks

[Gunny376]

Hey my Man ~ "Ramble On! ~ "Ramble On!" We've all been there! Hell, I ran around in circles screaming and shouting with arms flaying in the air for damn near three weeks!

[Woggle]

If she has no place to go why do you care. She betrayed you in the worst way so why feel bad if she has to struggle. Tell her to take the money you pay to buy her out of the house and use it to get on her feet. After that she is on her own. Before she got herself sent to prison my ex lived in a studio apartment that was worse than when we were living in public housing and I didn't feel the least bit of sympathy for her. She made her own bed and she had to lie in it. Don't feel sorry for a woman that does not care one bit about you.

[El-Producto]

Woggle, I think about doing that all the time, but I really want to take the high road during all of this. If I start doing things like that, I am sinking to her level. Plus she will take it to courts (which she can't afford), and I can't go through that, and I don't want the kids to go through that either.

 

I've always been against divorce, and to go through a messy one would scar me for life, not to mention the children.

 

I'm actually excited about getting rid of her. I know I'm going to find another woman who cares about ME, not herself. And when I do, I won't give a rats ass what my STBXW is doing.

[Woggle]

Woggle, I think about doing that all the time, but I really want to take the high road during all of this. If I start doing things like that, I am sinking to her level. Plus she will take it to courts (which she can't afford), and I can't go through that, and I don't want the kids to go through that either.

 

I've always been against divorce, and to go through a messy one would scar me for life, not to mention the children.

 

I'm actually excited about getting rid of her. I know I'm going to find another woman who cares about ME, not herself. And when I do, I won't give a rats ass what my STBXW is doing.

 

Taking the high road will get you nowhere at all. Believe me she is plotting to screw you big time so you need to be prepared to fight for your rights. You need to get dirty because will be the only way to keep yopu from getting taken to the cleaners. Being the nice guy only works when she is willing to play nice as well. Aldo it will scar you even worse if you let her walk all over you. If you stand up for yourself and win you will feel so good afterwards. My divorce did so much for my self esteem that was almost a blessing in disguise.

[El-Producto]

She is scared, because she knows that if it goes to court, I would probably get primary custody of the children. She hasn't had ANY significant income in the last 10 years. I on the other hand have a WELL paying job, and a stable home. I can prove that she is NOT a stable person. She's had probably 20 different jobs in the past 10 years, and only has a high school education. She has her own business, which is starting to make her some money, but certainly not enough to raise 2 kids. She is still the mother of my children, and deserves to have 50% responsibility in raising them. That is something that I FIRMLY believe in, and no matter what she has done, the children love her and deserve to have her as well. She isn't asking for spousal support or anything, because she knows what she did is wrong. But I only want whats best for the kids, and kicking her ass out, and taking her to court will only hurt them in the long run.

 

I know I'm still learning, but I have to stick to my beliefs.

 

Thank you so much for the advice.

[Woggle]

I agree that having children complicates things. I had no kids with my ex so I was willing to have my lawyer tear her to shreds if she didn't play nice. I am not saying to sink to her level but make sure you know your rights and are willing to protect them.

[El-Producto]

If I didn't have kids, it would be a TOTALLY different story. My anger would be dealing with the divorce, not my compassion.

 

I really have to stop calling her, and emailing her about us. It's so hard some times, I just want to hear things from her, not what other people are telling me.

 

Oh, and does someone have the title of that book which deals with getting over a relationship, and moving on. I can't think of the title off hand.

[PWSX3]

If I didn't have kids, it would be a TOTALLY different story. My anger would be dealing with the divorce, not my compassion.

 

I really have to stop calling her, and emailing her about us. It's so hard some times, I just want to hear things from her, not what other people are telling me.

You probably know her email by heart, but you might want to just delete it out of your address book. Just a thought.

When you do call her do you think she will tell you the honest answers???

 

I know this is very hard because when my W moved out for the first month she said she didn't want any communication and that was "VERY" hard for me, but I told myself I had to do it because that was one way I could show her that I really wanted to change & work on our relationship.

Once the month was over I called her a couple times because of issues with our son, but then I found it hard for me so I quit calling again & it was funny because when I stopped calling all of a sudden she started to call me and it was just for silly little reasons.

 

Now, if you don't have any plans of getting back together then there shouldn't be any reason to call her, or email her. The more contact you have I feel the harder it is to let go.

 

Someone told me a few months back that when you stop chasing them the chas-e becomes the chas-r and that is kind of what happened with us...

Just food for thought that's all.

Oh, and does someone have the title of that book which deals with getting over a relationship, and moving on. I can't think of the title off hand.

[El-Producto]

You probably know her email by heart, but you might want to just delete it out of your address book. Just a thought.

When you do call her do you think she will tell you the honest answers???

 

I know this is very hard because when my W moved out for the first month she said she didn't want any communication and that was "VERY" hard for me, but I told myself I had to do it because that was one way I could show her that I really wanted to change & work on our relationship.

Once the month was over I called her a couple times because of issues with our son, but then I found it hard for me so I quit calling again & it was funny because when I stopped calling all of a sudden she started to call me and it was just for silly little reasons.

 

Now, if you don't have any plans of getting back together then there shouldn't be any reason to call her, or email her. The more contact you have I feel the harder it is to let go.

 

Someone told me a few months back that when you stop chasing them the chas-e becomes the chas-r and that is kind of what happened with us...

Just food for thought that's all.

 

 

Thanks PWSX3, your sitch has been an inspiration for me, and consider yourself lucky, I'm sure you already do. I know I have to distance myself, and not beacause I want her to become the "chas-r", but because I need to move on. Sometimes its so hard when I'm feeling lonely. When we were married, she is the one that I would turn and cuddle with in bed if I woke up through the night. Now when I wake up at 3 am, I turn and nobody is there. That's when it's hard.

 

I found the title of that book.. sounds good and I've heard i t recommended before. Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends http://www.amazon.ca/Rebuilding-When-Your-Relationship-Ends/dp/1886230692/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2/702-6590649-1735269?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1176385360&sr=8-2

[sumdude]

Someone told me a few months back that when you stop chasing them the chas-e becomes the chas-r and that is kind of what happened with us...

Just food for thought that's all.

 

This is a possibility. I think the fact that I chased pretty hard and bent over backwards dancing to her tune probably worked against me. Maybe made me look weak or unattractive in her eyes and lost respect. Of course there is no way to know if things could have worked out differently if I had gone NC but taking the strong "I'm just fine without you." approach seems to be the best way to go. It it pretty dang hard to do, especially when her moving out was a total surprise.

[PWSX3]

Sometimes its so hard when I'm feeling lonely. When we were married, she is the one that I would turn and cuddle with in bed if I woke up through the night. Now when I wake up at 3 am, I turn and nobody is there. That's when it's hard.

I know how you feel bro, I used a big pillow when my W wasn't there.

[ilmw]

Thanks PWSX3, your sitch has been an inspiration for me, and consider yourself lucky, I'm sure you already do. I know I have to distance myself, and not beacause I want her to become the "chas-r", but because I need to move on. Sometimes its so hard when I'm feeling lonely. When we were married, she is the one that I would turn and cuddle with in bed if I woke up through the night. Now when I wake up at 3 am, I turn and nobody is there. That's when it's hard.

 

I found the title of that book.. sounds good and I've heard i t recommended before. Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends http://www.amazon.ca/Rebuilding-When-Your-Relationship-Ends/dp/1886230692/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2/702-6590649-1735269?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1176385360&sr=8-2

 

Hey bud,

 

I know the feeling.. Its been almost a year... since I slept in the same bed as DW. I still to this day look over.. when I wake up... and she is not there. I even dream about her once and a while... and I never remember my dreams. It does get easier... and you do get used to it... I thought I never would... and sunk into a deeper desperation. It will get easiere.. you will get past it.... we are all different... but it will happen.

 

Limited or no contact is a really good idea... kinda hard if you have kids..

 

I have finally gone dim with my DW... limited contact unless regarding the kids... it has had some limited success for me... in that... it makes it easier... for me...

 

I could lie and say I am moving on... but I am no where near that stage... but... I am able to function 100% and am for the most part in a great mood and happy... but... there are those times... when I get side swiped with memories... that feel like getting rammed by a Rhino!

 

Well enough about me..

 

Stay strong

ilmw

[sumdude]

Yeah, it is sometimes pretty damn hard at night. I know that repainting the bedroom helped me a lot, it was her favorite color.... Getting rid of all pictures, gifts and knick knacks that came from her or remind me of her. Still, it's always the good memories that hurt the most. When that hits I try to move my mind to the all crappy things she did, her faults and the basic betrayal to find the anger. Go ahead let it out and use it as a tool, just don't get caught up in it. You have to man up to your mistakes but don't ever ever forget the things she did.

 

Like the Rolling Stones sang, "Paint it black". Easier said than done but it's the way to move on. Be sure that she painted lots of things black in order to move on and so must you.