Is there any hope for us? (LONG)

[Ladyjane14]

I do have a major concern that I need advice with. I will start by explaining that my wife is a bit of a "hippie" for lack of a better word. And she has always wanted to build her own house, in the bush made of log or whatever. Now I know for a fact that she thinks that she is going to build her own house on some property that she's going to purchase, for her and the kids to live in when she has them. My concern is, my wife is the type of person that never finishes anything, and I'm concerned that she is going to be living in some kind of shack with no running water, etc. and will have the kids there as she finishes whatever it is.

 

My concern is, when we go to the mediator this week to discuss the divorce, custody etc. how should I phrase my concern that she have a STABLE environment for the kids to live in, such as an apartment or something, as a condition of the custody agreement? We are going for shared custody, but I don't want my kids living in barren conditions just so my wife can live her dreams. She also has very little money, so I know she will do things on the cheap.

 

I'm not an attorney, but my understanding of settlements is that the state has certain legalities which MUST be observed. These are issues that have been written into law in whatever jurisdiction the divorce takes place in. After that, everything else is just like any other kind of contract, I would imagine. You can put anything into it that you both agree on. I've seen some folks who wrote in provisions that precluded opposite-sex "friends" from overnight visits while the children are present, and some that allowed the older children to refuse forced visitation regardless of schedules.

 

These days you have to think about who's going to pay for extracurricular activities and how that will affect the other parent's schedule. IOW, if little Susie wants to take up, say... travel soccer... there needs to be a way to handle that. All in all... there's quite a bit of stuff that needs to be hammered out. That's why I think getting a 'co-parenting after divorce' type book might get you started thinking about how you'll handle all the little details.

 

If I were you... I'd just state my concerns as plainly as possible. I wouldn't worry about being overly diplomatic either.

Really, if you're pretty sure you're done... why should you be aggrieved if she takes offense? Your priority needs to be YOU and your kids. The trick to that, I think, is to creatively visualize the life you want for yourself five years from now... and then to strive toward that vision as a goal. The terms of the divorce settlement you mediate now, need to address your future concerns as well as your present ones.

 

 

Changing the subject a bit.... I know you're going back and forth on this MB thing right now. It's NORMAL for your emotions to be all over the place. This is a confusing time in your life and decisions made today will affect it for years to come. And not only YOUR life... but your children's as well.

 

If it helps you any... I don't think that I would be willing to do the whole MB thing either if my spouse was actively involved in an affair.

 

On the day when I broke into my spouse's computer files and found evidence of impropriety... I was at the attorney's office within a couple of hours. By 11:30 that morning it was GAME OVER, and he was home from work, sitting on the couch, listening as I told him so. I meant what I said too. I wasn't playing any games. I was done.

 

It's only because HE stepped up to the plate right at that moment that we're still together. If he hadn't recommitted himself to the marriage with ALACRITY right then and there, I can guarantee you that no force on earth would have stopped me from leaving him. We must've had angels on our shoulders that day I'll tell you, because even though I was in NO MOOD for it... I listened and allowed him another chance.

 

And THIS is the problem I have with doing "Plan A" while a WS is active in the affair... they're not required to step up to the plate. They're not required to recommit with enthusiasm. Instead, the BS is forced to kiss their ass and coax them back with the promise of a better marriage. But the "better marriage" isn't something a BS can really guarantee all on his own. It needs BOTH partners to recommit. It requires that they both fully EMBRACE reconciliation and recovery together.

 

I understand what MB is trying to accomplish, don't get me wrong. And I think it's a great program. But I'm not a "marriage-at-all-cost" person. So, if I'm not 100% convinced that my spouse is here because he WANTS to be... I don't want him. I'm not willing to address him from a less powerful position than the one he enjoys. It's got to be equal or it's GAME OVER.

 

Now AFTER my husband had recommitted and even before I'd seen anything about MB... I "Plan A-ed" my ass off. A WS needs a certain amount of reassurance after all. But you know what?... He had to bring his A-game too. He had to EARN his place in my life. 'Cause I am worth the effort.

 

When you place a high enough value on yourself, either with your STBX or with some other woman, THIS is the attitude you bring to the relationship.... "I am worth it". Then you PROVE your value by being the best partner you can be.

[El-Producto]

My STBXW doesn't deserve to be with me, and that is something I've come to accept. I have told her that I accept my contribution to the problems of our marriage, but that her starting and continuing the affair is unacceptable to me. Yet she still refuses to admit that the affair was/is wrong, but it was by me not providing to her emotional needs, that she is so starved for those needs and she's finally getting them. Plus through all of this, I have learned some very upsetting things about my wife. She recently confided to me in counseling that she had an emotional affair 4 years ago with a co-worker, and that she has some SERIOUS issues in relation to her father. Basically, she has never had acceptance from her father (he's a real jerk), and in her seeking his acceptance she basically goes through men until she finds someone that is a "clone" of her father, which explains the man that she's having the affair with. I could never be, and would never want to be anything like her father, so she is unable to have love for me, and I would never be good enough for her. Unfortunately I don't think anyone every WILL be good enough, and it is going to be a never ending stream of men. Sadly in me, she's given up her only REAL chance at stability, but there is nothing I can do about that. She needs to work out her own ****, and I don't have any time for that. I've been nothing but a breadwinner to her, and I won't live like that anymore. I've been addicted to the "relationship", not my STBXW. I'm slowly starting to realize thanks to friends and family that know the REAL me, that I have a LOT to offer a potential mate, and I'm going to find someone that loves me, as much as I love them.

 

As much as I think what she is saying is all fog talk, and I'm sure a lot of it is... I'm pretty sure she was done with our relationship a long time ago, and now finally has an excuse to move on.

 

Lucky me

[hurting_in_nw]

EP, it's crazy how many similarities there are in our situations. I think you're making the right call bro.

 

As for the custody thing, I put a provision in ours that basically says any partner she or I eventually (or currently - ahem) have must pass a criminal background check and have a face to face meeting with the other parent so that we both feel comfortable with who has a say in raising our son. There are to be no overnight visits with someone like that present.

 

Of course, she immediately shot back with, "Well, if I continue a relationship with OM, you're never going to give him approval no matter what he says." She's probably right. Anyway, I made the concession that any disputes that arise over one parent not approving of the other's partner will be handled through mediation.

 

The fact is that my STBXW grew up in a horrible situation for a few years when she was young...her mom hooked up with a fellow alcoholic, and at night they'd get blitzed and fight with each other, sometimes violently. Or her mom would pass out and hit her head, so my STBXW would wake up in the middle of the night and find her mom covered in blood passed out on the floor. Because my wife seems to be heading down the same road as her mother (married multiple times, many boyfriends over the years, etc), minus the alcoholism (for now anyway), I'm going to make damn sure that my son NEVER ends up in a bad situation. There's nothing wrong with insisting a potential step-parent pass muster with both biological parents.

[El-Producto]

Thanks hurting_in_nw. I looked back on your thread and yeah... we have a hell of a lot in common. I'm wondering have you gone through mediation yet? What can I expect?

 

I'm not so much worried about any men that she dates, although maybe I should be. I'm more worried that she has warped ideas as to the importance of a stable place for the children to be. I really DON'T want this to end in a custody battle, but I've decided that there are 2 things in this that I will not budge on: 1. The wellbeing of the children 2. My house/finances. The possessions, etc. I could care less about, but those two things I will not accept anything less than fair.

 

Unfortunately, my STBXW has a very reactive/volatile personality, and it's gotten even worse since all of this has happened. I'm not so much worried about going to court, I know she can't afford it, and I'm the one with the stable job and stable home environment, as well as TONS of friends and family who would all make good character witnesses. This just isn't how I want things to go down. I don't have the energy, nor the finances to deal with this. And it really would be needless, since our relationship wasn't really as terrible as she makes it sound. It was just a matter of circumstance, and two people that just aren't compatible.

 

I just want this over with, and I want to move on. I've suffered enough already, and I'm sick of it.

[hurting_in_nw]

Thanks hurting_in_nw. I looked back on your thread and yeah... we have a hell of a lot in common. I'm wondering have you gone through mediation yet? What can I expect?

 

We haven't had to do mediation. My STBXW obviously feels a lot of guilt for what she's done to me, so she's been amicable and willing to give me just about anything I ask for. We sat down together one day and did all the financial stuff--she showed me every savings account we had and we consolidated them, split it 50/50, and closed them. Same with the joint credit accounts...we paid them off then took her name off of them. All that's left is to sell the house and split that 50/50 as well. I realized that we don't have to wait for the house to sell to file the divorce papers, so I'm pushing for that this week. Just want to get it in writing that she'll continue to pay her half of the mortgage and bills as she agreed to.

 

I'm not so much worried about any men that she dates, although maybe I should be. I'm more worried that she has warped ideas as to the importance of a stable place for the children to be. I really DON'T want this to end in a custody battle, but I've decided that there are 2 things in this that I will not budge on: 1. The wellbeing of the children 2. My house/finances. The possessions, etc. I could care less about, but those two things I will not accept anything less than fair.

 

Good for you. But remember, you never know what the future will hold, or who she may end up with. It's better to be safe than sorry.

 

Unfortunately, my STBXW has a very reactive/volatile personality, and it's gotten even worse since all of this has happened.

 

Well there's a difference in our situations. I'm the reactive/volatile one, and it's been bad at times, given how hurt and angry I am. But NC except for email has been great. I did chew her out on the phone yesterday over the custody thing, but she even said she understands why I am so angry at her. Hell, she even said that if I had done the same thing to her, she would probably be even angrier than I am.

 

I'm not so much worried about going to court, I know she can't afford it, and I'm the one with the stable job and stable home environment, as well as TONS of friends and family who would all make good character witnesses. This just isn't how I want things to go down. I don't have the energy, nor the finances to deal with this. And it really would be needless, since our relationship wasn't really as terrible as she makes it sound. It was just a matter of circumstance, and two people that just aren't compatible.

 

I just want this over with, and I want to move on. I've suffered enough already, and I'm sick of it.

 

I hear ya man. Can you do a DIY divorce in your state? We basically got the forms online, printed them out, and filled in the blanks. Maybe something you should look into, then you could take the reins on the whole thing. Hang in there brother!

[Gunny376]

EP, HNNY, and some others I think your a most excellent candiate for a collaborative divorce. What I like about a collaborative divorce is that everyone puts their cards face up on the table, there are other professionals involved besides just the lawyers ~ financial planners, pyschologist, professionals for the children. Its a team effort.

 

Here's the link from DivorceNet.com

 

http://www.divorcenet.com/collablaw?OVRAW=Collaborative%20Divorce&OVKEY=collaborative%20divorce&OVMTC=standard

 

Collaborative divorce from what I read is a lot cheaper than regular divorce.

[El-Producto]

Man, what a rough night. I took a melatonin, which I've been taking on and off for about a year now, as I do a lot of night shifts, and it helps immensely. The only problem I find with melatonin is it gives you very vivid, sometimes disturbing dreams. Last night was no exception. I think I was up half of the night with a different terrible dream about my STBXW every hour. I hardly slept. It's a good thing I'm going into night shift tonight and I can sleep all day. Man, I've always been a great sleeper, but since my STBXW screwed my life up... sleep has been anything but good.

 

I think I need some good sex to put me to sleep

 

I live in Canada so I'm not sure how the laws are different. I've ordered a do it yourself Separation Agreement, but unfortunately I don't think I can trust my STBXW to be rational about things without a third party telling her what the law is, etc. This is why we are going to use a mediator. I have a feeling the custody thing is where it is going to get ugly. Even though we both WANT shared custody, and know it is the best for the children, I'm not sure I can handle her impulsiveness when it comes to handing over my children to her. She just doesn't think like everyone else.

 

Like I said in a previous post, I only care about the kids, my house, and my finances. Other than that, I'm not going to argue over anything.. it's not worth it.

 

And if my STBXW is stupid enough to get pissed off and call a lawyer (something we both agreed we don't want), it's going to be a wakeup call for her.

[sumdude]

Man, what a rough night. I took a melatonin, which I've been taking on and off for about a year now, as I do a lot of night shifts, and it helps immensely. The only problem I find with melatonin is it gives you very vivid, sometimes disturbing dreams. Last night was no exception. I think I was up half of the night with a different terrible dream about my STBXW every hour. I hardly slept. It's a good thing I'm going into night shift tonight and I can sleep all day. Man, I've always been a great sleeper, but since my STBXW screwed my life up... sleep has been anything but good.

 

I think I need some good sex to put me to sleep

 

 

I tried using sleep aids or prescibed Valium at the beginning too. Same problem, all they did was give me nightmares about the X. So I decided I preferred less sleep to the nightmare sleep and quit any and all uneeded drugs. Working out helped me get tired enough to sleep.

 

LOL sex sounds like a good cure but I think right now your head and heart might have a bit of a hard time with it.

[El-Producto]

I guess I'm just still in shock that any of this is even happening to me. It seems like a REALLY bad dream. I can't believe how my wife is acting. She is so cold and callous to me, like I did something wrong to her. The lying is unbearable, she is someone who always told me how much honesty was important to her. How anyone can just walk away from everything is beyond me.

 

And I know that sex, although enjoyable is the last thing I need right now.

[wife_left_me]

Be strong and hang in there. You cannot control her actions but you can control how you react to them.

[El-Producto]

Well, I just need to vent. I know the answer, but I need to get it out, and this always feels better.

 

My wife and I had a good discussion today about details related to the separation. We are seeming to agree on most things. We were discussion scheduling for the next month or so, and she asked if I would take them on the first weekend in May, as she wants to go away. I said that probably wouldn't be a problem, and asked her where she was going. She hesitated, and then said that she was going with the OM to open up his cabin for the weekend. It really upset me, and I know it's none of my business, and I can't control what she does. But man, it hurts to think that she has just MOVED on, and isn't even laying low. I mean we just got separated 4 weeks ago, and she knows I'm really struggling with it. I don't know if she takes my moving forward with the divorce/separation as my okay for her to go full steam ahead with the OM. But that's far from the case. I guess I just look at the fact that I have NOTHING to offer another person, let alone a perspective mate as far as emotions. She has just left everything we had behind, and is giving everything to the OM. It hurts, and I didn't say anything, and I think she got the message. In one breath she is upset because friends and family are angry with her, and don't understand how she can leave me for a man twice her age. But she isn't exactly keeping their relationship quiet. She wants me to be amicible during this separation but she sure is making it hard.

 

Am I crazy in thinking that she's being selfish? I guess I feel so betrayed, and it's unfortunate that she can't have respect for my feelings.

 

I know what everyone is going to say, and I'm not really looking for advice. I just need to let her do what she wants to do, and work on getting over her.

[El-Producto]

Sorry for the double post, but I'm on nightshift and I'm having a rough night in regards to my problems. If I don't post here, I'm very close to emailing my thoughts to my STBXW, and that is the last thing that I need to do.

 

I'm sorry that a lot of this is repeated crap that I keep regurgitating, but it's the stuff I'm really struggling with. I'm still in denial. I just don't understand how my STBXW could do this to me. And how the OM could have sex with a married woman. It makes me sick to my stomach to think what could have been going through my STBXW's head when she decided to do this. Maybe people here who have had an A, can chime in but do you not struggle in your mind that what you are doing is wrong? I truly believe that when my STBXW went on the trip with the OM, she didn't intend to cheat. But when it came down to it.. how could she go through with it, knowing I'm at home totally oblivious to what was going on.

 

And now she's going on like our marriage has been over for years. ZERO regard for my feelings, even though she acts so sorry and guilty, and then turns around and goes on vacations with the OM.. only 1 month after the split. In my eyes she should be coming to me and saying how much she regrets what she did, and she's sorry etc. She is saying that, but I don't believe a royal cent of it. I just don't understand how she can replace what we had SO quickly, and with a guy that is older than her father.

 

I suppose I will never really understand, but she sure isn't letting me grieve properly.

 

Anyway, sorry for the rant, but if I didn't do it.. this letter would have ended up in my STBXW's inbox.

 

I just miss her so much right now.

[Chrome Barracuda]

El-producto, she's not showing you her emotions because she knows she's wrong. First thing you need to do is not just heal but detach. It's time you move into a plan b. Only deal with her concerning kids and legal stuff. No phone calls only emails. Marraigebuilders.com has the whole plan b down pact.

 

It's time you live for you, treat her not as your ex-wife but like an ex-girlfriend. Get a hobby, go for a promotion, get a newer faster car. get into better shape, Take your mind away from her and the OM situation. What goes around comes around sooner or later. believe that.

 

I've been following your thread and it's time you started living for you. It's time for you to have a new perspective on the situation.

Plan B is only for people who are hurt by their spouse and still in love with them. Trust me it's all for the best. I've been through many break-ups and trust me I'm happy being single now more than ever. There's pangs of loneliness at times but my freedom and my piece of mind is more important than anything.

[El-Producto]

Thanks baracuda, needed to hear some encouragement.

 

I know what I NEED to do, then why the hell can't I do it. I just can't help think that if she would end the relationship with the OM, I would feel better about things. I just don't think that she can heal herself when she has to give the OM all of her emotions. I know I don't want her back, even though that's not what I sound like, but I just hate the fact that I've been replaced so easily.

 

And if most affairs end a natural death, why don't I read more about them dying? I just have such a hard time believing that my WW's affair will ever die. Especially when she doesn't treat it as an affair. Will she finally realize when she is 40 and he is 68, that the age difference is huge? She's only 28 now, and I can't believe that she has any attraction to a 58 year old man.

 

So confused.

[Ladyjane14]

And if most affairs end a natural death, why don't I read more about them dying? I just have such a hard time believing that my WW's affair will ever die.

 

We do read about them.

They aren't often notable as threads being ABOUT the end of an affair. Usually in formats like this, we observe WS's coming in to talk about something else. For example, there are quite a few OW's who are also WS... and they discuss their concerns in that context. We see some who have occasionally left their own marriage... only to find out that the affair relationship is problematic or not working at all. A good many of these women will continue to adhere to their belief that they left their marriage for valid reasons other than the affair. And who knows? ... some might actually have a pretty good case.

 

 

Most affairs don't last longer than the Infatuation phase. Conflict and secrecy can extend the Infatuation period for a long time, but in general terms, when the affair relationship comes out into the open, it's shelf life is about 2-3 years, the usual amount of time it takes for infatuation to fade. One might argue that after the infatuation phase, the illicit relationship might have the same chance of developing into mature love as any other... but personally, I really don't think so. There are just too many obstacles to overcome in most cases when compared to the start of non-cheating relationships.

 

You know, when you're observing someone who's in this infatuation stage, you're looking at an addict in alot of ways. As a nurse, you've probably dealt with a few. These are people who already KNOW that what they're doing is wrong. A junkie always has a "but", right.?

They'll agree with you that what they're doing is wrong. They'll express remorse even. BUT... they keep right on using, don't they?

 

There is something going on in the brain that is similar to chemical addiction. I posted a link to an article about that on another thread yesterday if you want to take a look.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117378/

 

There's something else notable about this thread too. And in these other couple of threads I've linked for you. If you look at them closely... you can SEE the way the affair affects a person's mindset. You can SEE how believable it all sounds from that person's POV. But you can also see the similarities in the WS's mindset, the rationalizations, the justifications, the excuses to keep "using".

 

When you look at these recent threads clinically, as a healthcare professional... what do you see?

These letters start sounding like a list of symptoms after a while. They're almost "formatted".

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117218/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117218/

 

 

Anyway, try not to let it get you down. You've said previously that you understand this affair isn't about YOU.... but "understanding" and accepting are two different things. My advice to you would be to bring your professional experience to this situation. See your STBX through the practiced eyes of a nurse. See the "disease" as a virus, a common cold virus.

There's not much you can do about that, right?... other than to let it run it's course. About the best you can do is to try to keep it from slopping off onto other people.

 

So... you protect yourself and you protect your kids. And try not to make sense out of NONsense. It'll only give you gray hairs.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Ladyjane is right. It will die a natural death. Sooner or later all affairs do. Even if they do get married, that marriage is gonna have one serious stain to overcome since everyone knows how they began and everyone is gonna plot for them to fail.

 

You said she's only 28!!?!?! OMFG!!!

 

Dude the OM is in for a great wake up call!!! lol. She hasnt even reached the phase where you have a MLC yet. Trust me either she'll cheat on him or he'll cheat on her. If you exposed the situation to both your families and friends and whatnot. There's not other place to go but down. lol.

 

Dude he isnt gonna be the first OM, damn sure he wont be the last.

Either she'll meet someone better looking than him her age and cheat with him or she'll go gay and cheat with a woman. or she'll see what she had with you and she'll cheat with you on the OM. Either way the affair will end just you watch. They'll be a day later on down the line where she'll realize she messed up.

 

Go get a life. lol. Hit the gym. go get a new girlfriend.

 

Well maybe not a girlfriend yet but just a platonic female friend who's smoking hot who you occasionally make out with and go to movies with.

lol.

 

Also focus on your kids, completely trust me if the OM is a scumbag you dont want your kids around him.

[Gunny376]

In case you missed it? The lesson to be learned is "How To Learn to Like Yourself and Be Comfortable Living In Your Own Skin?"

 

That's the reason so many of us run and just have to get married, just got to have someone.

 

Being Single isn't a curse ~ its a blessing!

 

Its got its down-side, but it most definately got its up-side! Clue!

[PWSX3]

I'm sorry that a lot of this is repeated crap that I keep regurgitating, but it's the stuff I'm really struggling with. I'm still in denial. I just don't understand how my STBXW could do this to me. And how the OM could have sex with a married woman. It makes me sick to my stomach to think what could have been going through my STBXW's head when she decided to do this. Maybe people here who have had an A, can chime in but do you not struggle in your mind that what you are doing is wrong? I truly believe that when my STBXW went on the trip with the OM, she didn't intend to cheat. But when it came down to it.. how could she go through with it, knowing I'm at home totally oblivious to what was going on.

O.K. I had an affair 17 years ago & how you think & how they think aren't even close. When you have an affair you are only thinking of "YOU" and you don't really care how the other person is thinking, why? because you are getting your cake & eating it too.

Sure you know it's not right, you know you are doing something that you shouldn't be doing, but just like LadyJane said I think it is like a drug or an alcoholic, you just don't care!! You can tell yourself a hundred times what you are doing is not right, but you turn right around and do it anyways.

 

It first starts out because you are not happy at home, then someone else pays attention to you, they listen to you, etc. etc. Then you start saying; wow this person likes me & it goes down hill from there. They tell you the things you want to hear, they feel sorry for you because you aren't happy, they make you feel good.

 

Just like others have also said; after a while the excitement wears off, you start getting down to reality & things aren't as good as you thought they should be.

 

As for the OM he has been told that your marriage is over, that she isn't happy anymore so he doesn't see it as taking your wife away but just shacking up with someone that is already divorced. Even at that he also has no morals because if he did he wouldn't be even thinking of it, so like others have said it will come back to bite them both in the a$$, until she can truely look at herself & figure out her past & why she is doing these things she will keep doing this for the rest of her life I bet.

 

And now she's going on like our marriage has been over for years. ZERO regard for my feelings, even though she acts so sorry and guilty, and then turns around and goes on vacations with the OM.. only 1 month after the split. I

People have talked about this here in other situations & I have read it in books as well, but the one that leaves has been gone from the relationship for a while. Your W didn't just leave when she moved out she left way before that. I found out when my W moved out that she had been planning it for a few months before & had been thinking about it even before that, so by the time they are moved out they don't care about the relationship anymore, they have decided they did everything they could & now they are just doing what they want to do.

I suppose I will never really understand, but she sure isn't letting me grieve properly.

I don't think it's up to her if you grieve properly or not that is up to you, you are in control of what you do. I know its very hard when you still love the other person and they don't seem to give a rats a$$ about you anymore, but you have to worry about yourself, do what you need to do, she has already shown you how she feels about you.

Anyway, sorry for the rant, but if I didn't do it.. this letter would have ended up in my STBXW's inbox.

 

I just miss her so much right now.

Glad that you are able to vent here instead of sending it to the STBXW, because you know that wouldn't do any good.

Keep posting, keep reading and keep doing things for you & your kids.....

[Gunny376]

O.K. I had an affair 17 years ago & how you think & how they think aren't even close. When you have an affair you are only thinking of "YOU" and you don't really care how the other person is thinking, why? because you are getting your cake & eating it too.

Sure you know it's not right, you know you are doing something that you shouldn't be doing, but just like LadyJane said I think it is like a drug or an alcoholic, you just don't care!! You can tell yourself a hundred times what you are doing is not right, but you turn right around and do it anyways.

 

It first starts out because you are not happy at home, then someone else pays attention to you, they listen to you, etc. etc. Then you start saying; wow this person likes me & it goes down hill from there. They tell you the things you want to hear, they feel sorry for you because you aren't happy, they make you feel good.

 

Just like others have also said; after a while the excitement wears off, you start getting down to reality & things aren't as good as you thought they should be.

 

As for the OM he has been told that your marriage is over, that she isn't happy anymore so he doesn't see it as taking your wife away but just shacking up with someone that is already divorced. Even at that he also has no morals because if he did he wouldn't be even thinking of it, so like others have said it will come back to bite them both in the a$$, until she can truely look at herself & figure out her past & why she is doing these things she will keep doing this for the rest of her life I bet.

 

 

People have talked about this here in other situations & I have read it in books as well, but the one that leaves has been gone from the relationship for a while. Your W didn't just leave when she moved out she left way before that. I found out when my W moved out that she had been planning it for a few months before & had been thinking about it even before that, so by the time they are moved out they don't care about the relationship anymore, they have decided they did everything they could & now they are just doing what they want to do.

 

I don't think it's up to her if you grieve properly or not that is up to you, you are in control of what you do. I know its very hard when you still love the other person and they don't seem to give a rats a$$ about you anymore, but you have to worry about yourself, do what you need to do, she has already shown you how she feels about you.

 

Glad that you are able to vent here instead of sending it to the STBXW, because you know that wouldn't do any good.

Keep posting, keep reading and keep doing things for you & your kids.....

 

 

WOW!? Whose this guy? Not the same guy that came here oh so many months ago?!

 

:bunny:

[sumdude]

.... I said that probably wouldn't be a problem, and asked her where she was going. She hesitated, and then said that she was going with the OM to open up his cabin for the weekend. It really upset me, and I know it's none of my business, and I can't control what she does. But man, it hurts to think that she has just MOVED on, and isn't even laying low. I mean we just got separated 4 weeks ago, and she knows I'm really struggling with it.

 

I know what everyone is going to say, and I'm not really looking for advice. I just need to let her do what she wants to do, and work on getting over her.

 

EP you're exactly where I was a couple of months ago. It gets better but you have to work at it. I'll give you advice though you didn't ask.

 

You're first mistake was asking her where she was going....

 

You have to constantly tell yourself

 

"It doesn't matter anymore what she's doing, it only matters what I'm doing."

 

Over and over until it starts to sink in. It takes a time and effort but it gets easier every day. Start thinking of her as my ex not my wife. Or if it helps think of her as "that effiin b***h"

[El-Producto]

Once again, stellar advice from everyone. I really don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found this place.. probably not doing near as well as I am now, even if at times I don't feel like I'm doing well.

 

Thankfully, I'm recognizing that my setbacks are an exact reaction to when I have interaction with my STBXW. Yesterday we had a LONG talk about the separation, and that's when I start to freak out. Thursday we are getting together to hash out the separation agreement, and then anything that is left unresolved is going to the mediator. The sooner I get this done, and get her out of the house.. the faster I can move on. I'm already excited about reclaiming my house, and turning it into MY place. I'm also excited about having some alone time once in a while, and being able to do what I want without someone telling me what to do, or critisizing what I'm doing.

 

Bottom line, I really don't care what she's doing with the guy.. I just think I do.

 

It's funny too, when we were discussing the schedule for the summer, I told her about a few trips I was planning to take with friends, etc. She made a comment like, "boy you sure are doing a lot of travelling and stuff", wish I could had the time for that. I think she's jealous that I'm moving on.

 

And when my divorce papers are finally signed, I'm gonna treat myself to a nice new big flat screen tv Something which my STBXW would never "LET" me have.

 

Woohoo, freedomland here I come!!!

[hurting_in_nw]

Thankfully, I'm recognizing that my setbacks are an exact reaction to when I have interaction with my STBXW.

 

I came to the same realization EP, and once I started e-mail only contact, it helped me immensely. We've only had one face-to-face, which was yesterday to discuss the child support, etc, and one convo on the phone. I intend to keep it that way.

 

I'm already excited about reclaiming my house, and turning it into MY place.

 

We're not going to keep the house we shared, but if i was going to, I'd have already turned it into "my" place. If she's gone, there's no need to delay doing this. It will help you a lot I'm sure.

 

I think she's jealous that I'm moving on.

 

I know it's hard because stuff like this makes you feel better, but I would say you have to even let go of whether or not she's jealous of you or whatever. You need to detach from ALL of her feelings, whether they benefit you or not.

 

And when my divorce papers are finally signed, I'm gonna treat myself to a nice new big flat screen tv Something which my STBXW would never "LET" me have.

 

Haha, yet another striking similarity in our situations. I was told for the last two years, "We'll see if we have enough left over from our tax refunds." Then of course I found out we had 20k in savings...WTF?? The bottom line is that she's so selfish, that if there wasn't some benefit for HER in a large purchase, it wasn't happening. Yet another reason I'll be better off without her. I work hard, am a good dad and was a good husband. Would it have been THAT big a deal to let me by a $1500 TV? I don't think so.

[sumdude]

That's the idea, rearrange the place. Repaint some rooms, especially if she picked out colors. Pack up anything you can that's a reminder. See if you have love cards or letters from her and burn 'em. Rituals help. Do whatever possible to flush her out of you house and heart. Just power your way through it! Plus it will keep you busy and give you a feeling of satifaction.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

The sooner I get this done, and get her out of the house.. the faster I can move on. I'm already excited about reclaiming my house, and turning it into MY place. I'm also excited about having some alone time once in a while, and being able to do what I want without someone telling me what to do, or critisizing what I'm doing.

 

Bottom line, I really don't care what she's doing with the guy.. I just think I do.

 

Exactly!!!!

 

It's been 4 months for me now and I was adamant about getting her out of my life ASAP, no contact whatsoever! It really helps with healing. Also that's a very good way of thinking about things. That's what my IC taught me, think of it as "I'm Free!!!!" Free of this lying, cheating wh*re! Actually everyday I'm getting closer and closer to finally really forgiving her and it's really helped me to let go of ANY feelings I have for her. No love, hatred, resentment, nothing but indifference, and it's only been 4 months! Be proactive ridding her from your life and then from your system, I know it's harder having children but not impossible.

[Gunny376]

Exactly!!!!

 

It's been 4 months for me now and I was adamant about getting her out of my life ASAP, no contact whatsoever! It really helps with healing. Also that's a very good way of thinking about things. That's what my IC taught me, think of it as "I'm Free!!!!" Free of this lying, cheating wh*re! Actually everyday I'm getting closer and closer to finally really forgiving her and it's really helped me to let go of ANY feelings I have for her. No love, hatred, resentment, nothing but indifference, and it's only been 4 months! Be proactive ridding her from your life and then from your system, I know it's harder having children but not impossible.

 

That's what I've been trying to tell you guys ~ its a freaking addiction.

You've got to go "cold turkey" and sweat the DT's out! Now get off your azz and get busy!