Is there any hope for us? (LONG)

[Ladyjane14]

Been busy calling "Earl" ~ Got the flu ~ can't keep my head and azz out of the toliet!

 

God! Just freaking kill me already!

 

Awww... that's rough, man.

 

Keep an eye out for dehydration. Sometimes when it gets real bad, it's necessary to go down to the ER and let them give you IV fluids.

 

If you can hold anything down, try a clear liquid diet first.

http://www.quickcare.org/gast/diet.html

[quiet1one1]

I gotta go with Mr. Hurting on this one... No coffee, no router, no computer, no nothing!

 

If your initial responses to her issues have gone the way you described them here, you've been MORE THAN accommodating, fair, and to the point (considering what you've been through). It's time man...don't answer the phone or if you do, tell her to take the router (or whatever) and jam it.

[El-Producto]

Okay, in case we haven't already decided, my STBXW is officially nuts.

 

She calls me today at my parents house where I'm staying before and after work for a couple of days. They don't have call display, so I got caught unaware. Anyway, she is totally nice to me on the phone.

 

I think I said about 3 words to her the whole conversation.. hell if I'm getting caught up in that crap again. Took me 2 hours of talking to friends last night to feel okay about the crap she said to me.

 

I also just realized looking in the mirror this morning, that I'm in better shape now at 31 than I was at 21. Damn, I'm looking good. I'm sure that's killing her, since she was always telling me to lose some weight, and get active. She's gaining weight from her continued binge eating, I'm not sure who she's blaming the current binge eating on, but it's probably still me;)

 

 

Anyway, off to work.

[hurting_in_nw]

Dude I really think that even if she calls and catches you unaware, you should just end the convo and say "Just email me about it." Don't let her suck you in ONE BIT.

[El-Producto]

Man, the no contact thing really works, when she abides by it.. which is never. It's so ironic, in our last blowout she said that she has chosen NOT to talk to me because I make her feel so terrible. I've been asking not to talk all along, but she keeps dragging me into these fights. I've been emailing only, and she has not returned the emails, but has called me 4 or 5 times a day for various things, even at work. Funny, I thought she chose not to talk to me. And she's miss pleasant every time she calls. My 3 word conversations must really be killing her.

 

Today I came home, and she was still at the house. She went on, and on about how much work she has to do, and how late she is going to be up, etc. etc. She must think I've never heard her say it, because it's the same crap every time I see her. Anyway, I have a week off, and I asked when she was going to take the kids, since I'm not working. She basically expects me to have them all week.. which of course I'm willing to do. But I'm upset over the principle of the matter. I said that I was hoping to go out with some friends on Tue. night, so that if she wanted to stay at the house with them, that would be fine. Well, tonight my parents are keeping the kids overnight, so I can go to a friends place and watch some hockey, and have a BBQ. She blows up and says that my kids need me more than anything, and I shouldn't be out drinking with my buddies, etc. etc. And when she is with them they get nothing but her (something which I fail to believe). I think she probably sticks them in front of the TV, while she works, but that's besides the point.

 

She is obviously jealous that I'm enjoying my new found freedom from her. I also think her relationship with OM must be suffering a bit, because she sure is engaging me a lot. I think she's so busy that she has no time for him.. and he's probably pestering her for sex, so she feels torn. It's kind of interesting and sad to watch her like this. She really has screwed up her life.

 

Even though she won't admit that she's feeling bad or guilty about what she did, her actions say differently. I mean she keeps saying how she refuses to feel guilty about what she did. Which obviously means she is feeling guilty, but doesn't want to.

 

Anyway, I shouldn't be giving to much thought into her thoughts and feelings, but I can't help but feel somewhat vindicated. I'm quickly getting over the hurt that she's caused me, and she's just up to her ankles in it now. It's interested to watch her on her downward spiral as an outsider.

 

Man, these WS's are wacky.

[sumdude]

Keep it up EP. Also make sure your boundaries stay strong too. Yes the kids need you but how much is it that she just wants to to take extra burdens too? If she rants about her problems either just listen and say nothing or find something that you have to do and escape the blathering.

[El-Producto]

Boundaries are an important concept in all of this I think. My IC gave me some information on the 4 personal boundaries; Physical, Spiritual, Emotional, and Sexual. It is important to not be too rigid, but to control the ability for people to invade these boundaries.

 

I'm learning to control her attempts to violate my personal boundaries, and it sure makes a difference in my coping.

 

As far as the kids go, I know in my heart that when I'm with the kids I give them 150% attention and love. I don't feel guilty about other people looking after them while I socialize. It doesn't happen a lot, and they are with the grandparents, so they are getting love anyway.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't feel guilty about other people looking after them while I socialize. It doesn't happen a lot, and they are with the grandparents, so they are getting love anyway.

 

And you absolutely SHOULDN'T feel guilty. A child's good relationship with a grandparent(s) can be a fabulously positive influence. You can't buy it with a million dollars, man. :bunny:

[hurting_in_nw]

Man, the no contact thing really works, when she abides by it.. which is never. It's so ironic, in our last blowout she said that she has chosen NOT to talk to me because I make her feel so terrible. I've been asking not to talk all along, but she keeps dragging me into these fights. I've been emailing only, and she has not returned the emails, but has called me 4 or 5 times a day for various things, even at work. Funny, I thought she chose not to talk to me. And she's miss pleasant every time she calls. My 3 word conversations must really be killing her.

 

Today I came home, and she was still at the house. She went on, and on about how much work she has to do, and how late she is going to be up, etc. etc. She must think I've never heard her say it, because it's the same crap every time I see her. Anyway, I have a week off, and I asked when she was going to take the kids, since I'm not working. She basically expects me to have them all week.. which of course I'm willing to do. But I'm upset over the principle of the matter. I said that I was hoping to go out with some friends on Tue. night, so that if she wanted to stay at the house with them, that would be fine. Well, tonight my parents are keeping the kids overnight, so I can go to a friends place and watch some hockey, and have a BBQ. She blows up and says that my kids need me more than anything, and I shouldn't be out drinking with my buddies, etc. etc. And when she is with them they get nothing but her (something which I fail to believe). I think she probably sticks them in front of the TV, while she works, but that's besides the point.

 

She is obviously jealous that I'm enjoying my new found freedom from her. I also think her relationship with OM must be suffering a bit, because she sure is engaging me a lot. I think she's so busy that she has no time for him.. and he's probably pestering her for sex, so she feels torn. It's kind of interesting and sad to watch her like this. She really has screwed up her life.

 

Even though she won't admit that she's feeling bad or guilty about what she did, her actions say differently. I mean she keeps saying how she refuses to feel guilty about what she did. Which obviously means she is feeling guilty, but doesn't want to.

 

Anyway, I shouldn't be giving to much thought into her thoughts and feelings, but I can't help but feel somewhat vindicated. I'm quickly getting over the hurt that she's caused me, and she's just up to her ankles in it now. It's interested to watch her on her downward spiral as an outsider.

 

Man, these WS's are wacky.

 

EP, I'm still reading into your posts and seeing things that you shouldn't be doing. Maybe it's just that I'm not familiar enough with your situation.

 

Does she still live at your house? If so, why?

 

If you come home and she's there, drive off. My STBXW and I have a child together and have had no problems staying email-only contact, except for the times when I have screwed up. If she calls you at work, don't answer. Send her an email that says, "You are affecting my performance at work with your constant phone calls. Unless it is an emergency situation, contact me only through my home-based email address."

 

You don't need to let her know what you're doing, whether it's sitting alone crying or having a BBQ with your friends. It is no longer ANY OF HER BUSINESS.

 

Whether you see it or not, she is still keeping you emotionally invested in her with this continued contact. She has somebody new. Tell her to get all of her stuff out of your house, and not to come back unless you are there. Be strong. Pack it all up for her. You are not going to start moving on from this until you cut her off as much as you possibly can.

[Woggle]

Just be glad to get rid of her. If I were you though I would watch out. My wife pulled the same crap on me in the divorce and eventually she ended up trying to kill me so be careful of how she will act whejn she finds out you really did move on.

[El-Producto]

EP, I'm still reading into your posts and seeing things that you shouldn't be doing. Maybe it's just that I'm not familiar enough with your situation.

 

Does she still live at your house? If so, why?

 

If you come home and she's there, drive off. My STBXW and I have a child together and have had no problems staying email-only contact, except for the times when I have screwed up. If she calls you at work, don't answer. Send her an email that says, "You are affecting my performance at work with your constant phone calls. Unless it is an emergency situation, contact me only through my home-based email address."

 

You don't need to let her know what you're doing, whether it's sitting alone crying or having a BBQ with your friends. It is no longer ANY OF HER BUSINESS.

 

Whether you see it or not, she is still keeping you emotionally invested in her with this continued contact. She has somebody new. Tell her to get all of her stuff out of your house, and not to come back unless you are there. Be strong. Pack it all up for her. You are not going to start moving on from this until you cut her off as much as you possibly can.

 

For the time being, we are house sharing so to speak. Basically, I work 12 hour shifts, and usually work 2 or 3 in a row, and then have 2 or 3 days off. When I'm working, I stay at my parents house, which is close to my work. On my days off, I stay at the house, and my wife stays elsewhere. The kids are at the house full time. It is the best situation for us right now, until I buy her out of the house. I'm giving her until June to find a suitable place, be it an apartment or whatever. I have packed up most of her things, and they are either in boxes or gone from the house. At least I don't HAVE to be in the same house with her ever... except when we meet in passing.

 

What's really pissing me off lately, and I'm not sure WHY she's doing it. But she calls me constantly to ask little favors, and questions. I am sticking to email only, and haven't called her once in the past week. I got call display, and make her leave messages which I respond to with emails. The most annoying thing is she's being SO nice.. probably because she knows I'm a pushover.. and I have a feeling that the OM isn't helping her, or something. Not sure. What's confusing is that only 3 days ago she was basically accusing me of rape on the phone, and said that she didn't want to speak to me for a long time. Well, she's not doing a very good job with the non-speaking.

 

I know it's counter productive, but I just feel like if I can get through this divorce being nice.. I can be as much of a jerk after the legal stuff is signed and sealed. Unfortunately at times, it is hindering my recovery from the relationship.. because no matter how much I hate her right now, I sure do miss her.

 

Watching the other folks on this forum who are going through similar situations is very helpful. Keeps me motivated to look out for me and kids.

[sumdude]

Wow, house sharing... seems like the hardest way to get through a separation. As far as bieng nice.. in the long run that's best for the kids.. just don't be too nice. Reasonable and decent is good enough. Detached is the word that comes to mind.

[El-Producto]

Wow, house sharing... seems like the hardest way to get through a separation. As far as bieng nice.. in the long run that's best for the kids.. just don't be too nice. Reasonable and decent is good enough. Detached is the word that comes to mind.

 

The bottom line, is that we aren't in the house TOGETHER at the same time. I couldn't live in the same house as my STBXW, she would drive me crazy.

[El-Producto]

Well, it's been an up and down week, but I would have to say more up than down. A woman I work with, who is in a troubled relationship of her own (not married), has started flirting with me. It's very obvious, and I won't say I'm not giving a little back. I know I have to watch myself, I don't want to be involved with anyone for at least 6 months. But it really has been an eye opener for me.

 

If anything it has made me realize that there are other women out there who can meet my emotional needs. And it feels BLOODY great. I just realized how numb I've been for the last 4 or 5 years. It's really nice when someone of the opposite sex actually pays attention to me.

 

I am being very careful not to let it go any furthur than flirting. I don't want to be the OM, no matter how dysfunctional her relationship is. I also don't want for her to rely on my for emotional support, and vice versa. I am concentrating on bettering MYSELF right now, so that when I make it through this.. I'm gonna be great.

[sumdude]

Well, it's been an up and down week, but I would have to say more up than down. A woman I work with, who is in a troubled relationship of her own (not married), has started flirting with me. It's very obvious, and I won't say I'm not giving a little back. I know I have to watch myself, I don't want to be involved with anyone for at least 6 months. But it really has been an eye opener for me.

 

If anything it has made me realize that there are other women out there who can meet my emotional needs. And it feels BLOODY great. I just realized how numb I've been for the last 4 or 5 years. It's really nice when someone of the opposite sex actually pays attention to me.

 

I am being very careful not to let it go any furthur than flirting. I don't want to be the OM, no matter how dysfunctional her relationship is. I also don't want for her to rely on my for emotional support, and vice versa. I am concentrating on bettering MYSELF right now, so that when I make it through this.. I'm gonna be great.

 

Y'know... the same thing happened to me a few weeks ago. Spring n'all. I played it cool too, last thing I need is MORE DRAMA!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Y'know... the same thing happened to me a few weeks ago. Spring n'all. I played it cool too, last thing I need is MORE DRAMA!

 

LOL. sumdude, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water huh? the same thing happened to me. but it was an ex-flame who contacted me the day after my girlfriend finally split apart. Crazy. Is it me or woman can definitely pick up on our signals?

[Ladyjane14]

Well, it's been an up and down week, but I would have to say more up than down. A woman I work with, who is in a troubled relationship of her own (not married), has started flirting with me. It's very obvious, and I won't say I'm not giving a little back. I know I have to watch myself, I don't want to be involved with anyone for at least 6 months. But it really has been an eye opener for me.

 

If anything it has made me realize that there are other women out there who can meet my emotional needs. And it feels BLOODY great. I just realized how numb I've been for the last 4 or 5 years. It's really nice when someone of the opposite sex actually pays attention to me.

 

I am being very careful not to let it go any furthur than flirting. I don't want to be the OM, no matter how dysfunctional her relationship is. I also don't want for her to rely on my for emotional support, and vice versa. I am concentrating on bettering MYSELF right now, so that when I make it through this.. I'm gonna be great.

 

It's good that you see the dangers of rebound relationships and are not willing to allow a relationship to develop based on emotional support and reliance. Atta-boy!!!

 

Watch out for the STBX to start putting a bit more pressure on you. You're slipping out of her grasp, so she's liable to turn the heat up a notch.

 

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

[El-Producto]

It's good that you see the dangers of rebound relationships and are not willing to allow a relationship to develop based on emotional support and reliance. Atta-boy!!!

 

Watch out for the STBX to start putting a bit more pressure on you. You're slipping out of her grasp, so she's liable to turn the heat up a notch.

 

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

 

Why should I watch out for my STBXW? If anything, it's frustrating me because she doesn't seem upset about any of this. I mean, we are starting to work out the details of the separation/divorce, and she is just plugging away happily, not seemingly unsure or anything. I guess I just expected a different reaction, when we finally got down to business. I know last night when I was figuring out finances and stuff, it really hit home.. and I felt rather melancholic about the whole thing.

[Ladyjane14]

What's really pissing me off lately, and I'm not sure WHY she's doing it. But she calls me constantly to ask little favors, and questions. I am sticking to email only, and haven't called her once in the past week. I got call display, and make her leave messages which I respond to with emails. The most annoying thing is she's being SO nice.. probably because she knows I'm a pushover.. and I have a feeling that the OM isn't helping her, or something. Not sure. What's confusing is that only 3 days ago she was basically accusing me of rape on the phone, and said that she didn't want to speak to me for a long time. Well, she's not doing a very good job with the non-speaking.

 

What I meant is that she's likely to change her tune once the realities of life start appearing. Right now, she's still in la-la-land... trying to make a "buddy" out of you, asking you for favors, contacting you frequently with little questions.

 

This plays into her fantasy view of what life will be like after divorce and reassures her that you still haven't gone anywhere. At some point though, she's gonna figure out that this REALLY IS the end. And when she does, you're likely to see a change in her demeanor where she either goes back to the loony attacks or starts backpeddling. Hell, maybe both.

 

Given all you've posted so far, I very much doubt that "So nice" will be an apt descriptive in your future dealings with this woman. Stay on your toes. She sounds volatile.

[El-Producto]

Thanks.. I need a reality check every once in a while.

[PWSX3]

Thanks.. I need a reality check every once in a while.

To give you an idea of what LJ is talking about here is what happened to me. When my W moved out she kept saying she just needed her space, etc.etc. We made up a little paper that we both agreed on such as what she could take, what bills each of us would pay, etc.

 

The weekend she moved out me & my son went out of town & when we came home maybe it was just me but she took everything that was hers and half of the stuff in the kitchen & even some things she said I could have. I would have never thought for someone that wanted to still work on the relationship would have taken that much stuff.

 

she took pictures that we hadn't discussed and she left the place a mess. Remember this was someone that said she still wanted to work on our relationship, that she wasn't ready to give it up but just needed some space to think.

 

Now if someone can do that even with plans of maybe coming back someday, just think what your STBX could do knowing she isn't coming back.

 

Just like the saying goes, believe nothing they say & only half of what they do. WATCH YOUR BACK!!!!

 

You have to also remember she will have people telling her; oh you can do this, you can take this, don't let him get away with that and she might not be listening right now but when it finally sinks in what is happening then she might start listening to all those people.

[Gunny376]

Its going to happen EP, more or less to some degree in some shape form or fashion as LJ describe. Spoke to one of my friends yesterday that's already moved out, and has a BF on the side. She keeps calling him all the time, even wanting to borrow his car?

 

I told him he needed to tell her that its time for the dear BF to pony up. Bob said he did. but she told him that he didn't have a car or a job! :lmao:

[El-Producto]

Well, turns out Karma is a bitch. My wife finally got her taxes done, so I could input her income into mine. Turns out, after all her deductions her income was so low, that I'm getting $2k as a return. Best part is, she has no right to it, now that we are separated.

 

Haha.

[El-Producto]

The emotional rollercoaster that is the breakup of a marriage, will never cease to amaze me. Last night my wife and I sat down together to discuss the details of our separation. When it came to discussion of joint custody, we were figuring out how it was going to work. We figured that what we are doing now, will work as long as I am doing shiftwork (minus the house sharing). We got discussing that there would have to be some flexibilty in order to make it work. So we were looking at the summer schedule, and when each of us has holidays booked, etc. because the kids are off school. I'm going on a fishing trip in June for 5 days, and she said that she'd be happy to have them (they aren't out of school yet). But then she asked me about the weekend before because the OM is flying her to Winnipeg to attend a conference with him.

 

Now I knew she was thinking of this, but for some reason it really made me upset. I got that sick feeling in my stomach, and was on the verge of having a panic attack. WHY the hell can't I just let it go? I know there is nothing I can do to change her feelings for him, but when I and everyone else thinks it's a mistake... she just keeps on keeping on. I had to end the conversation there, and told her we'd resume it another time. She asked what was a matter, and I just said that I was really tired, and that she needed to leave.

 

I think the hard part is that this all seems so easy for her. I mean, she is almost EXCITED to get the separation done with. Whereas I'm finding it hard as hell, that this is actually going to happen. I guess I'm the sucker here, because I seem to be taking all the hits. Maybe this is because she has someone (OM) to catch her when she's down, I don't know.

 

What I do know, is I can't wait until I can buy her out of the house, and she leaves for GOOD!

[PWSX3]

I think the hard part is that this all seems so easy for her. I mean, she is almost EXCITED to get the separation done with. Whereas I'm finding it hard as hell, that this is actually going to happen. I guess I'm the sucker here, because I seem to be taking all the hits. Maybe this is because she has someone (OM) to catch her when she's down, I don't know.

 

What I do know, is I can't wait until I can buy her out of the house, and she leaves for GOOD!

Here is how I look at it from a "gear heads' perspective. You have a car that you drive every day and it breaks down so you have to start walking. Because you are walking everywhere you learn to appreciate the value of the car and so you "work" at getting the money to buy another one.

 

Now your STBX has a car & it breaks down, but instead of walking she just gets another car (OM). She doesn't realize/learn how nice it is to have a car, she doesn't realize how important that car is because she never was without one, she just keeps going on her marry way like nothing ever happened.

 

Your STBX isn't having to worry about what it would be like without you because she has a fill in(OM), Mr. Reality hasn't set in because she isn't missing anything. She is getting her needs met (for now) by the OM so she has no worries, but her time will come...

 

Then when it finally does settle in she will stop and look beside her & there won't be anyone there, you will have moved on to bigger & better things, the OM won't be there because he got tired of her BS and so she will be alone, or she might have someone else by then because the first OM didn't fulfill her fantasy world either but sooner or later it will hit her.

 

Just keep doing what you can do & not worry about what she is doing because it will drive you crazy, been there done that & I'm still working on it.

Don't use up good energy on worrying about the stbx, its just not worth it.