Is there any hope for us? (LONG)

[Ladyjane14]

Your STBX isn't having to worry about what it would be like without you because she has a fill in(OM), Mr. Reality hasn't set in because she isn't missing anything. She is getting her needs met (for now) by the OM so she has no worries, but her time will come...

 

Exactly. She's in la-la-land, having her ENs met and believing that it's going to stay that way. In reality, the OM is old enough to be her daddy. And she's going to end up stuck with a geezer, buying his Depends...while you end up with some hot, new thing.

 

...then she asked me about the weekend before because the OM is flying her to Winnipeg to attend a conference with him....

 

...she just keeps on keeping on. I had to end the conversation there, and told her we'd resume it another time. She asked what was a matter, and I just said that I was really tired, and that she needed to leave.

 

Next time, don't bother yourself with the kid gloves. Call her on her manners. It's disrespectful for her to regale her HUSBAND with the details of her skeezy affair. Until the divorce is final, she's still your wife and she ought to AT LEAST have the common courtesy to refrain from behaving like an alley cat in your presence.

 

It's okay to stand up for yourself. You don't have to be mad. You don't have to be mean. Make this a boundary and enforce it. If she wants to talk to you... she can either be respectful or take it up with your attorney instead.

[El-Producto]

Exactly. She's in la-la-land, having her ENs met and believing that it's going to stay that way. In reality, the OM is old enough to be her daddy. And she's going to end up stuck with a geezer, buying his Depends...while you end up with some hot, new thing.

 

 

 

Next time, don't bother yourself with the kid gloves. Call her on her manners. It's disrespectful for her to regale her HUSBAND with the details of her skeezy affair. Until the divorce is final, she's still your wife and she ought to AT LEAST have the common courtesy to refrain from behaving like an alley cat in your presence.

 

It's okay to stand up for yourself. You don't have to be mad. You don't have to be mean. Make this a boundary and enforce it. If she wants to talk to you... she can either be respectful or take it up with your attorney instead.

 

Thanks LJ, at times I forget that I have boundaries and she needs to respect them. I think that for now we should be responsible for our own childcare.. and I need to reinforce that. She's worried though, because my parents will watch the kids ANYTIME, and her parents are less than helpful.

 

But you are right, I don't have to hear about her affair... even though she thinks it isn't an affair.

 

BTW, now that we are starting to split up belongings. Does anyone have a good way of doing this? My STBXW says we need to give the big items a value, and divide them up accordingly. How do you give a couch or a fridge value?

[notspiritual]

I have never been through divorce but here is how I would do it.

 

One spouse determines the price; the other chooses whether he'll buy or sell at that price.

[El-Producto]

Well, today is a particularly crappy day, emotions wise. For some reason, I just feel like crap today. Probably because for some messed up reason, I still miss my STBXW, or at least I think I do.

 

I have to be careful, because I'm really starting to think alot about this woman from work, and I know that she isn't the solution to my problems. I guess I'm jealous that my STBXW has someone of the opposite sex to meet her Emotional Needs, and I'm relying on family and friends (who are being nothing short of amazing). I'm going out with some people from work tonight, and hopefully it will take my mind off of stuff. I guess I just CAN'T believe that this is all happening to me. If someone had of asked me 3 months ago, if I'd be going through this, I would have laughed in their face.

[sumdude]

Be careful swimming in the work pool... even if she's not married. Should you go there and it blows up as a rebound is likely to. It could make your job a real problem. You're doing OK, good days, bad days, one foot in front of the other.

[El-Producto]

Be careful swimming in the work pool... even if she's not married. Should you go there and it blows up as a rebound is likely to. It could make your job a real problem. You're doing OK, good days, bad days, one foot in front of the other.

 

 

I know it's not even a remotely smart thing to do.. and I have no plans to, I'm just acknowledging my feelings. I have some new understanding about how relationships start, I mean she makes me feel so good when I'm with her, or talk to her... no matter what her intentions are.

[sumdude]

I guess I just CAN'T believe that this is all happening to me. If someone had of asked me 3 months ago, if I'd be going through this, I would have laughed in their face.

 

 

You just bounced back to the denial part of grief.

 

There's Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance.

 

They don't always come in an order. You'll switch between them suddenly. One second you're raging at the top of your lungs, the next you're sobbing like a kid. Then you think "I'll do anything to fix this". Then it's "I can't believe this is happening" and bit by bit you'll feel more and more like "OK, so I'm dealing with this... There will be good days coming... " and once again you might jolt back to the " Am I having a nightmare or what?"

 

That's the roller coaster, hills, climbs, loops, sudden drops.

 

Bit by bit each hill gets smaller. Just lower that safety bar and hold on.

[El-Producto]

Well, I'd like to thank my STBXW for reminding me why I'm going to be a VERY happy man when this is all done.

 

She was supposed to come at 4:00pm to pick up the kids to take to her parents for 2 days, she shows up at 5:30pm. No phone calls, typical excuses she left her cell phone at her friends, etc. etc. Tells me how crazy her day has been, same **** different day.

 

I get upset, and it's not because of the time. I have nowhere to go until 6:00pm, it's the principle. I HATE being late, and with her it's a constant thing. She keeps saying her life is so chaotic, trying to run a business, blah, blah, blah. She tries to turn it around, and said that we agreed on between 5 and 5:30. At that point I just tell her (like I'm speaking to my 6 year old), that we will have to write things down when we agree, because we only talked about it less than 24h ago, and she seems to have forgotten. She says that I should email her, and I remind her that that is how I've been communicating with her, but she NEVER replies to the email to even say that she has gotten them. She makes some stupid excuse that she doesn't have internet at her parents, or something. Funny, she sure had a lot of emails to send to the OM, when I was checking them.

 

Whatever.. I'm going out with a bunch of women from work tonight.. and I'm gonna look good, and have a great time.

 

Funny how quickly I can go from melancholy to angry. Haha.

[El-Producto]

Well, last night was amazing. I went out for wings and beer with some people from work, and the aforementioned woman stayed behind and we talked... for 3.5 hours. Man I forgot how quickly time flies when you are engaged in a MEANINGFUL conversation with someone, especially of the opposite sex. Made me feel really good, that was until today.

 

So STBXW is late getting the kids to school.. has usual excuses, blah, blah, blah. Then she shocks me, and says that she went to a lawyer and now she knows what she's entitled to. We had our house appraisal done today, and it was what we expected. So she and her lawyer have come to the conclusion that the money that I would buy her out of the house with, will cover her half of the marital debt. So she is going to walk away with no cash in hand, I get the house free and clear... BUT I still have all of the debt, which I will have to take out a second mortgage or something for. This is all well and fine, but then she hits me with the old Support payments.. that I thought she wasn't going to ask for.

 

Now, I have go talk to my lawyer and take the numbers that she has, but they don't seem right. She is telling me that she is entitled to 800 dollars a month spousal support, and 500 dollars a month child support. Now I was under the impression that in SHARED custody, no child support is required. SHe says that she isn't going to ask for the spousal support, but wants the child support payments. The child support would go on until the kids are 18, which when the youngest hits 18, it would be 12 years. I think I might offer her the spousal support for 2 years, or something and then nothing.

 

I don't know.. this bloody well sucks.. because once again instead of listening to everyones advice.. I take the supposed "high road", and get screwed from all ends AGAIN, by my bitch of a STBXW.

 

She threatened me that if it gets nasty (like it already hasn't), she will go for spousal support too. Isn't life great... she has an affair, and because she is too lazy to get a job, I have to pay. She is trying to tell me that I should be grateful that she isn't going for spousal support too. She is trying to be my friend.

 

She has just lost any chance of friendship, and I'm going TOTAL NC now. The only words she will see from me will be on email, and through my lawyer. I'M PISSED!

[PWSX3]

 

She threatened me that if it gets nasty (like it already hasn't), she will go for spousal support too. Isn't life great... she has an affair, and because she is too lazy to get a job, I have to pay. She is trying to tell me that I should be grateful that she isn't going for spousal support too. She is trying to be my friend.

 

She has just lost any chance of friendship, and I'm going TOTAL NC now. The only words she will see from me will be on email, and through my lawyer. I'M PISSED!

Isn't it funny how they change. They say one thing and do the complete opisite?

What she is doing might just be a threat, I don't know I'm not a lawyer, but I would be sharing this information with your lawyer.

 

Just remember, COVER YOUR BUTT!!!!! and no one else.

 

Sucks when the lawyer is the one that wins in a divorce, but you have to have them just for these reasons.

[El-Producto]

Alright.. I am going to lose it VERY soon. My wife accused me of starting a fight with her in front of the children yesterday. I only expressed my distaste for her being 90 minutes late.. she took it into a fight. I ended the "conversation" early. She now says that I am infringing on the boundaries we set with the counselor to not discuss anything related to the divorce in front of the children.

 

 

What about my bloody boundaries, like her leaving me the hell alone and not calling me 5 times a day. What the hell is her problem.. she blames EVERYTHING on me.

 

I'm serious.. I'm going to punch something I'm so mad right now.

 

I need tips on how to go NC with kids involved.

[Gunny376]

She's trying to play you for a fool ~ don't buy into any of it! Time to lawyer up! Big time. Shoot for the moon.

[azianpride143]

And you wanted to swap my STBXW with yours. :bunny:

 

I would suggest talk to your lawyer and see what the correct numbers should be. Child support is calculated based on the amount of time the kids spend with each parent. The spousal support she is asking for is kinda high in my opinion but then she is not working. Your lawyer would be the best one that can answer these questions.

 

Good Luck and keep us posted. Hang in there bud.....

[annabelle75]

You definitely need top get a lawyer. She's not going to make this easy.

[El-Producto]

Man, what a struggle this is.. I can't believe how one person that you think you know can change SO much. My STBXW is no longer the person that I spent the last 10 years with. She is just an evil, reactionary, angry person, who seems to be out to make my life miserable. I mean it wasn't enough that she's done all of this to me, and I've FINALLY come to some comfort in that I don't want to be with her.. and now she won't leave me alone.

 

It's bordering on stalking. Today for example she once again tried to engage me in an argument, and I told her that I had a right not to speak to her, and she could email me if she wanted to talk. She got so angry, and kept in my face, and I kept saying that I didn't want to talk, and tried to close the car door, and she grabs my arm. I didn't pull away, because I really think that she wants me to do something bad to use against me. She then brings up the whole "sexual abuse" that her counsellor is telling her.. it's all bull****, I had nothing but the UTMOST respect for my wife, and her body... and if she felt uncomfortable she NEVER said anything to me.. until now.

 

I can't take this anymore, I just want her to leave me alone... I don't understand why she wanted me out of her life.. and now that I'm ready to go.. she won't let me.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Man, what a struggle this is.. I can't believe how one person that you think you know can change SO much. My STBXW is no longer the person that I spent the last 10 years with. She is just an evil, reactionary, angry person, who seems to be out to make my life miserable. I mean it wasn't enough that she's done all of this to me, and I've FINALLY come to some comfort in that I don't want to be with her.. and now she won't leave me alone.

 

It's bordering on stalking. Today for example she once again tried to engage me in an argument, and I told her that I had a right not to speak to her, and she could email me if she wanted to talk. She got so angry, and kept in my face, and I kept saying that I didn't want to talk, and tried to close the car door, and she grabs my arm. I didn't pull away, because I really think that she wants me to do something bad to use against me. She then brings up the whole "sexual abuse" that her counsellor is telling her.. it's all bull****, I had nothing but the UTMOST respect for my wife, and her body... and if she felt uncomfortable she NEVER said anything to me.. until now.

 

I can't take this anymore, I just want her to leave me alone... I don't understand why she wanted me out of her life.. and now that I'm ready to go.. she won't let me.

 

WTF??? Why is she putting her hands on you like that in the first place. Kinda funny she has just stomped all the love right from inside you and you dont love her anymore. Or at least not the person she's become. True. I think it's about control. she has no control over herself and her life so she attempts to control yours. it sucks doesnt it. In time with alot of counceling she's gonna be acknowloging that she does have issues. but it wont be because of you. Was she Sexually abused as a child or taunted as a kid?

[El-Producto]

WTF??? Why is she putting her hands on you like that in the first place. Kinda funny she has just stomped all the love right from inside you and you dont love her anymore. Or at least not the person she's become. True. I think it's about control. she has no control over herself and her life so she attempts to control yours. it sucks doesnt it. In time with alot of counceling she's gonna be acknowloging that she does have issues. but it wont be because of you. Was she Sexually abused as a child or taunted as a kid?

 

 

She wasn't sexually abused as a child.. but has a lot of issues regarding marriage and her father. Her parents divorced when she was about 8, and her mother had a MULTITUDE of partners while my STBXW was groing up. Her father was very emotionally and verbally distant and abusive. He always told his daughters that they were never good enough, etc. etc. and he never showed any signs of affection. To this day he has NEVER hugged or even held his granddaughters. She has always looked to get his approval, and unfortunately that means that she is looking for a man that is just like him. Guess what, I'm not, and that's a good thing for me and my family. And funny thing, the OM she is with, is VERY much like him. Hopefully my STBXW can work through these things, otherwise it's just going to be a vicious circle.

 

It's all so sad, but I just want it over now. I want her to leave me alone, and let me get on with my life, without anymore pain then I've already gone through. Because in the end it's just about her trying to justify what she's done, it's not about the marriage or anything really.

[Ladyjane14]

 

It's bordering on stalking. Today for example she once again tried to engage me in an argument, and I told her that I had a right not to speak to her, and she could email me if she wanted to talk. She got so angry, and kept in my face, and I kept saying that I didn't want to talk, and tried to close the car door, and she grabs my arm. I didn't pull away, because I really think that she wants me to do something bad to use against me. She then brings up the whole "sexual abuse" that her counsellor is telling her.. it's all bull****, I had nothing but the UTMOST respect for my wife, and her body... and if she felt uncomfortable she NEVER said anything to me.. until now.

 

Talk to your attorney about getting a restraining order. She has no right to prevent you from leaving or to put her hands on you.

 

Talk to him about 'slander' as well. Have your attorney inform her attorney that you WILL take legal action if necessary to protect yourself from vicious and untrue allegations.

[Chrome Barracuda]

They say if we dont learn from mistakes of the past we are often doomed to repeat them. So just know that her issues go further than you can comprehend and you dont have to deal with it. These issues are a manifestation of her past come to fruition.

 

Your not to blame. But it's funny because she wanted out and now that she's got her wish she doesnt want to go? I dont get it. And as far as putting her hands on you like that, I would have reminded her putting her hands on me like that wouldnt have been such a good idea.

 

Your gonna get past this.

[El-Producto]

Well, this weekend is particularly difficult for mw. My STBXW has gone away to the OM's remote cabin to help him open it up. I guess until now I've been spared about the details of their relationship, and them sneaking around was easier for me to take, then outright knowing that she is on a vacation with the guy.

 

Thankfully I'm working, and I'm going to a wedding reception after work tonight, to hang out with some co-workers. Unfortunately my house is empty because the children are at her parents for the weekend. I felt lonely last night after work for the first time in a long time.

 

Anyway, another day closer to freedom I guess.

[hurting_in_nw]

EP--

Is there really any need for you to know her comings and goings, other than her saying "I won't be here on XX dates?"

[El-Producto]

EP--

Is there really any need for you to know her comings and goings, other than her saying "I won't be here on XX dates?"

 

Unfortunately, I asked a few weeks ago when she was telling me she was going to be away. I reminded her that when she has the children it is her responsibility to find child care. As much as I'd love to spend extra time with the kids, I know I have to stick to my guns anyway. I also know that she is going away with him in June for 4 days.. once again, I asked.

 

I now have no desire to know where or what she is doing at any time, because I don't care.

[Ladyjane14]

Thankfully I'm working, and I'm going to a wedding reception after work tonight, to hang out with some co-workers.

 

How did it go? I'm thinking that an activity like a "wedding reception" might be a bit of a challenge for a guy going through divorce. But it could also be a bit reaffirming if you were able to tackle such a potentially tough situation, put it in perspective, and still have a good time with your friends.

[El-Producto]

Man, I've come so far, and am feeling so good about myself. But I'm really stuck on one thing.. the bloody affair. I don't know why I can't get over the fact that she is continuing on with this guy, like we never existed. It really bothers me, and I don't know why. Her insane behavior is ensuring that I want nothing to do with her, but I still get really bothered when I think about her with another person.

 

All weekend, I thought about how she was away with the OM, it drove me crazy. Despite the fact I'm done with her.

 

When does this part get easier, because I'm so happy otherwise.

[hurting_in_nw]

Man, I've come so far, and am feeling so good about myself. But I'm really stuck on one thing.. the bloody affair. I don't know why I can't get over the fact that she is continuing on with this guy, like we never existed. It really bothers me, and I don't know why. Her insane behavior is ensuring that I want nothing to do with her, but I still get really bothered when I think about her with another person.

 

All weekend, I thought about how she was away with the OM, it drove me crazy. Despite the fact I'm done with her.

 

When does this part get easier, because I'm so happy otherwise.

 

Because of recent events, I'm thinking it gets easier when you have somebody new yourself.