Is there any hope for us? (LONG)

[El-Producto]

I find it so hard to not obsess over the affair. Even though, at this point I don't want her back anymore, I can't help but wonder all the time if she's with him or not, and what they are doing. I mean, I'm still obesessing over them having sex, and it just makes me sick to my stomach. No matter how hard I seem to try, I can't keep those thoughts from creeping into my head when I wake up at 4 in the morning.

 

I guess my best bet is to stop talking to her about anything other than the divorce and the kids.

[sumdude]

I find it so hard to not obsess over the affair. Even though, at this point I don't want her back anymore, I can't help but wonder all the time if she's with him or not, and what they are doing. I mean, I'm still obesessing over them having sex, and it just makes me sick to my stomach. No matter how hard I seem to try, I can't keep those thoughts from creeping into my head when I wake up at 4 in the morning.

 

I guess my best bet is to stop talking to her about anything other than the divorce and the kids.

 

 

I know what you mean. From now on it should be strictly business. Like Gunny told me, she is now your adversary but not your enemy. Your only enemy is yourself. Find a way to stop driving yourself nuts, you're only hurting yourself at this point. If you haven't yet go to this website it has a lot of helpful articles.

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html

[hurting_in_nw]

I guess my best bet is to stop talking to her about anything other than the divorce and the kids.

 

EP, this is more than your best bet, it is absolutely what you have to do.

[Ladyjane14]

I really have to stop calling her, and emailing her about us. It's so hard some times, I just want to hear things from her, not what other people are telling me.

 

Oh, and does someone have the title of that book which deals with getting over a relationship, and moving on. I can't think of the title off hand.

 

I can't think of it either. I guess we'll have to wait for Gunny. He might have been the one to mention it earlier... I just can't remember.

 

Anyway, I agree with you about the calling and emailing. It sets you back to 'square one' every time you revert back to the old mindset. If you're certain of your course... try to think of her already as your EX-wife, and then behave accordingly.

 

I just recently posted this to someone else... but if you can MOVE yourself into that frame of mind NOW, where you perceive your wife as a FORMER spouse, an "EX".... you can start moving forward without dragging your feet. It's indecision which causes us to flounder.

 

Think of it like this... the pain is kind of self-inflicted when you hold onto a old mindset that is no longer capable of achieving your goals. Move past the old mindset and you move past the pain. Mind over matter.

[El-Producto]

Thank you all for the supportive words. I'm getting better every day, sure I still have my setbacks, but they seem to be fewer and farther between, and they seem to be shorter. I think I'm learning that when I'm feeling down, and freaked out, instead of emailing or calling my STBXW, I post here or call a friends and bitch. I usually feel MUCH better after that.

 

Today will be interesting because we are having a birthday party for my 6 year old D, and her friends and my wife has invited the OM's kids. I was REALLY against this, but my daughter asked that they come (she doesn't know about the A). It's going to be tough for me I know, but I have to remember that those kids are as innocent as mine. I still think my wife is sick and twisted by wanting to do that, knowing how I feel.

 

But I'm quickly learning that she either really doesn't care how I feel, or she is still living in the proverbial FOG. I'm kind of afraid for her when/if she snaps out of this, she has done some really crazy things.

 

I've had some long heart to heart talks with friends that have known the two of us for a long time. It's really interesting to hear outside opinions of our marriage. I've rewritten the marriage just like she has, in order to make it look better than it was. My friends have noticed the way she treated me like crap for the last few years, but haven't said anything. They all seem to wonder how we lasted this long.

 

One last quick question for the infidelity vets. My wife really doesn't think what she did/is doing is wrong. She says that she was emotionally done with the marriage a long time ago, so it wasn't an affair to her. Despite me exposing it to everyone, they are continuing along. I, and everyone else seems to know this is crazy, but if the people having the A, don't think it's an affair, what are the chances of it dying?

 

I know this is my confusion poking through, and I'm not asking this because I'm HOPING that she comes back, I really don't. It's just a thought that I'm struggling with right now.

[sumdude]

Hi EP,

 

From the articles from the website link I sent you is one that really made sense and helped me out. Basically your brain is still 'addicted' to your stbx and marriage. So it's trying to compute ways to get the next 'fix'. Also it's trying to make sense of what happened. One BIG problem with that. The data you have is totally incomplete and impossible to understand. So like a computer getting bad data your brain is trying to compute something rational from totally irrational data. No matter what your stbx tells you it will never 'compute'.

 

So what you're trying to do is solve a totally unsolvable problem and running yourself ragged and crazy in the process.

 

Save yourself, work on letting go of all of it.

 

There is absolutly nothing you can do about it. You cannot change your stbx's feelings at all, ever , period. You can only change how you are reacting to the situation.

[Ladyjane14]

My wife really doesn't think what she did/is doing is wrong. She says that she was emotionally done with the marriage a long time ago, so it wasn't an affair to her. Despite me exposing it to everyone, they are continuing along. I, and everyone else seems to know this is crazy, but if the people having the A, don't think it's an affair, what are the chances of it dying?

 

I know this is my confusion poking through, and I'm not asking this because I'm HOPING that she comes back, I really don't. It's just a thought that I'm struggling with right now.

 

Reality is what it IS. It can't be stopped. It can't be reasoned with.

 

These are two people who either don't believe in respecting others, or... are currently living outside of their internal belief system. Either your wife doesn't BELIEVE in honoring her commitments, or she's ignoring what she does believe in. Either the OM doesn't BELIEVE that it's wrong to f*ck another man's wife... or he's going against his conscious.

 

HOW else can this play out when you consider it in that light???

 

The choice for each of them is that they continue on being people who lack character, or that they keep their heads wedged firmly in the sand so they can't SEE the reality of their situation.

 

They can't grow and learn if they aren't willing to EMBRACE human ethics. They will reap what they sow from others in that case. We are presented in so many ways with a mirror image of what we, ourselves, present to the world. A person who accepts cheating and lying as an integral part of their inner self... will cheat and lie. In turn, he will reap the negative energy that he's sown.

 

Alternatively, if this is a matter of Fantasy for one or both of them... Reality can only be evaded for so long. That's usually at around the time the physiological effects of infatuation dissipates. Although I'd be willing to bet that a significant number will hold on, never admitting they made a mistake. The cost for playing the game was EXORBITANT after all.

 

For your part, if you neither help, nor hinder them... there's no one they can blame but each other if they don't like what they see after the "new car smell" has worn off. It actually stresses the EMR when the spouse steps back from the conflict. The "conflict" is exciting, if nothing else. It keeps the affair partners united, 'facing a common foe in a valiant struggle for true love'. :rolleyes:

 

Once the excitement dies down, they've got plenty of time to finally evaluate one another. More often than not... they don't much like what they find themselves stuck with.

[El-Producto]

Thanks again all.

 

I'm reading a really interesting thread at MB's about the phenomena of "Romantic Affairs". I don't know that the policy of external linking is here, so I'll hold off for now. Anyway, this really describes the A that my STBXW has found herself in. Amazing how history rewrites itself.

 

I've noticed that when I don't contact her, I can externalize and look in on what she is doing. She seems so weak and vulnerable when I do that. I almost feel sorry for her. I know that by me constantly expressing my disaproval of her A, just gives them the "Us Against the World" feeling. I'm stopping that now. I do know that this A is NOT my fault, despite what she says. It's unfortunate that she can't recognize that HUGE character flaw that she has. And it's ironic that she says she left our marriage so she can finally be happy, but these days she looks anything BUT happy. She looks like hell, isn't taking care of herself. Where as I've lost 15 pounds (not by choice;), and am looking better than I have in years.

[sumdude]

Just remember one thing if anything. You have kept your integrity through all of this. Personal integrity is the cornerstone of self-esteem. So hold your head up high, stand up and walk tall. Don't fall into self rightousness but be proud of who you are.

[Ladyjane14]

I know that by me constantly expressing my disaproval of her A, just gives them the "Us Against the World" feeling. I'm stopping that now.

 

Exactly. You don't want to be the GLUE that binds these two mismatched people together. Don't forget... there's a generational age difference here. That fact is going to affect this particular EMR is a myriad of ways. They're liable to have huge differences in opinion on almost every subject... particularly in their expectations of appropriate behavior from a mate.

 

What's more, as a nurse... you know VERY WELL the stress involved for people dealing with aging parents. Imagine how that stress multiplies if the "parent" is actually your partner.

 

I do know that this A is NOT my fault, despite what she says.

 

I'm glad to see that you realize that. If memory serves... I think Gunny and I told you so in our first posts to you. Cool... I get to say "I told you so" to somebody in a GOOD way today. :D

[Ladyjane14]

Personal integrity is the cornerstone of self-esteem.

 

I couldn't agree with that statement more. :bunny:

[Gunny376]

LJ!? You need to write a book!

[El-Producto]

Well, we had the birthday party for my youngest daughter yesterday. Unfortunately, we also had a blowout prior to it happening. I'm kicking myself for my behaviour today, it was totally non-productive. Basically, I came home to help get ready for the party, and she had most of her stuff packed. I guess things just hit home for me. Not to mention, she just bought a brand new Toyota Tacoma truck, which she clearly can't afford.

 

She's going through a mid-life crisis at age 28.

 

Problem is, for some goddamn reason I still miss her like hell.

[El-Producto]

Well, my kids are sleeping over at my parents house tonight, and my wife is at a concert somewhere. I've decided to crack a few cold ones, and have my own party packing up her ****. I'm very quickly getting sick of her having her cake and eating it too.

 

This is rather empowering I must admit.

 

On the other hand, I'm feeling pretty damn melancholy today. Tonight especially, I thought that some time to myself would be great but I sure am feeling lonely. Can't imagine doing this all the time, it's gonna be tough.

[Ladyjane14]

...I thought that some time to myself would be great but I sure am feeling lonely. Can't imagine doing this all the time, it's gonna be tough.

 

Try to think of it as a temporary state of being.... a sabbatical, where you give yourself the gift of TIME in order to explore your individuality before embarking upon a new partnership.

 

Think of it like this... For the past three years or so, your wife has been more or less 'checked-out' of the relationship. So for all intents and purposes, you've ALREADY been without a true partner for all this time. The only difference now... is that you're free to look for another.

[Gunny376]

Somedude was right ~ a lot of the reason that you're having such a problem with this ~ is because you and she are still having so much daily contact with one another. For your own good to need to minimize that contact to the bare minimum.

 

Ref: Feb 2006 edition of National Geographic Magazine. In it was an article about Dr.'s having done brain scans of people who were "in love"

The thing is? They're almost identical to someone that has been diagonsed with obssessive-compulsive disorder.

 

Part of the "addiction" that people that use crack or meth is that it releases powerful bio-chemicals ~ the same that is released naturally

when someone is "in love" or comes about via being orgasimistic from having had intercourse. These are very addicting, and is nature's way

of enusing the continuation of the species.

 

The wife for whatever reason ~ checked out of the marriage ~ three years ago ~ at least emotionally. For most women ~ because their more in-tune with their emotional state of mind and emotions than men ~ they have to feel that "love connection" emotionally in order to be capable of being intimate with a man.

 

As a result of her dis-connection from you ~ which like most men came about as sudden as getting thrown under a bus ~ you've lost the source of your "fix" and so what a lot of what you're going through is "withdrawal."

 

So now your sub-conscious mind is looking for a way to get its "love-fix", so it can get the bio-chemicals kicking again in the old brain housing group. Never mind what's she's said or done, nor even how badly she's treated you or is treating you ~ its your inner child that wants its candy.

 

If you can go 21 days wit zero contact ~ I promise you will feel differently and see the STBXW in a diffreent light. No alcohol, pills, drugs ~ zilch! And it will be very painful mentally, physically, and emotionally. The best and quickest way to go is to go "cold turkey" and experience all of the hurt and pain of the withdrawal.

 

Reference the following article from DivorceRecovery101 (orginally linked by Somedude)

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm

 

The other aspect of this is the wife isn't going through a mid-life crisis. I suspect with her being in her late twenties that what's happening is that she's at the beginning threasholds of peaking sexually.

 

Men peak sexually about age 18. Women begin to do so in their late twenties to mid-thirties. Hell women's nerve endings in the pubic areas aren't fully developed until about early to late thirties. To this end. I would recommend that you look at the e-book "Women's Infidelity" by Michelle Langley (orignally suggested by RoosterDAR)

 

http://www.womensinfidelity.com/index.html#home

 

I believe that once you've read the book, you'll have an "Ahhhhaaaa!" moment. It won't do a thing in helping you and the STBXW get back together but it will help in a big way in dealing with all of this, and understanding what's going on in your life. (Understand that this isn't an absolute in regards to any and all women ~ any and all women are individuals, just as any and all men are!)

 

The biggest thing you need to be attending to right now is getting yourself financially disentangled from this woman. If she's going out and buy new trucks that she can't afford, you need to make sure that she and you are. You need to get copies of all your credit reports, and make sure that "you" don't have some credit cards that you don't know about. (This happen to a bud of mine, whose wife was taking out credit cards in his name, signing his name etc ~ and he didn't even know that he had a CC from Dillards, McRays, and Parisian! )

 

The general rule is that it takes about two years to recover mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially etc from a divorce. Well, yea? And for some its takes a lot longer. It all depends upon how willing your are to work at doing the work that needs to be done?

 

For every finger that you've got pointing at the STBXW, you've got three pointing back at you ~ and those three are the ones that you need to be looking at, examing, and working on ~ not the one that you've got pointing at her.

 

What is at question here is not what the STBXW says or does, or doesn't say or do? What is at question here is your working on yourself to become a better person, BF, husband, father ~ human being? What is at question here is your discarding your culturaly and socially induced fantasies, fallacies, lies about what it means to be a man, a husband, a father, a person, a human being ~ and what marriage is all about?

 

And, I can give you a hint ~ but in the end you've got to discover this on your own, in your own time, and in your own space. Its about being a part of something bigger than yourself, and about being un-selfish, and putting the welfare of others before yourself.

 

I've done that, over and over, and over. For my XW, my children, for my country. (Side-bar: I'm not saying your selfish! Nor making any judgements about you ~ just conversing)

 

One thing I do want to get across to you is that its time for you to de-stress your life, and to make and keep it simple. Don't blow this opportunity to get your life where you want and need it.

 

For example?

 

When I went through my seperation and divorce, I had 16 years in the Corps with a minimium of four to go for retirement. I went to Camp Lejuene and checked into the Staff NCO barracks. A room with a bathroom and shower on the side. My only living expenses were my cabel TV and telephone. I could eat in the chowhall for less than $2 for a IHOP buffet of a breakfast, and $2.50 for lunch and dinner. But, noooooooooooo I had to have a GF! Ended up living with a gal for 6-1/2 years.

 

It was my "addiction" to being in a relationship that cost me some prime opportunties.

 

Since she and I broke up, I've hunkered down, bit the bulllet, and chewed through some leather! And the Canadian Mist Whiskey Company is still in business in part because of me!

 

During that time ~ I've read Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover", and I've read Mary Hunt's "Debt Proof Living" (Highly recommend)

 

I've not been in a LTR in nine years?! But, I've got a lot of good things going for me. My four year old car that I bought "new" only has 16,000 miles on her and is paid for, etc.

 

Bottom line? Think outside the "box"

[Woggle]

The reason this is getting to you so much is because you are still in shock. You never expected this and don't quite know what to make of it. The key is not basing your happiness on whether or not you have a woman in your life. A good woman is a nice bonus but a man should be able to love a full and happy life without one. Find some guy friends and go out and have some fun. It seems that men have forgotten how to bond with the guys. A fun night out is a great cure for a broken heart.

[El-Producto]

Well, once again all stellar advice that I NEED to hear. Thanks again all, was kind of a rough night... didn't sleep very well, but I don't feel terrible this morning. I think SLOWLY, I'm starting to deal with these emotions, and accept that they are going to be there no matter what.

 

I'm trying to minimize contact, and I've recently made a promise with myself to keep ALL contact to a bare minimum. Only discussions about the business of the divorce, and the children. I am not initiating any contact whatsoever. The problem lies with her seemingly, daily unannounced visits to the house, and unsolicited telephone calls. Even though we agreed in our bargaining sessions at the counselor that this was a boundary I wanted her to respect, she seems to have forgotten. But I guess that's what crazy people do. I don't even want to talk to her, but I think she is using the fact that we have children as a crutch. She knows that I'm a pushover, and she can come and go as she pleases, and even get me to do things for her. All the while getting her sexual needs met by the OM.

 

I read a good thing at MB's that says, that I need to let ALL of her Emotional Needs be met by the OM, and that eventually the reality of life will come crashing down on their little fantasy.

 

I tell ya, I am so glad I found this forum it is SO therapeutic.

 

Thanks Again.

 

Oh, and thanks for that article. I'm going to sit down with the calender today and make my minimal contact contract with myself for 21 days. That site has some great articles, even though the layout is frightening.

[Gunny376]

, was kind of a rough night... didn't sleep very well, but I don't feel terrible this morning.

 

Go to Walmart,.................to the vitamin and herbal section. Look for Melatonin. It comes in 3 mmg, 3 mg, and 5 mg. Its over the counter, non-addictive, and naturally helps induce sleep. Airline pilots that fly the coast to coast "red-eye" use it to regulate their sleep patterns.

 

As a matter of fact the body produces it naturally, although less of it once you're pass 40. It what regualates your sleep patterns, and set your "biological" clock. About a half hour of taking it, you'll start yawning, eye will start watering. It won't "knock you out" and you'll still be able to get up, go to the bathroom, take care of children, etc. If you take too much it will make you groggy in the morning, but without any hangover effects provided you don't take it with alcohol.

 

I weigh in at around 200 pounds, 6'1" ~ so about two of the 3mg tablets are good for me. Like I said, about a half hour after taking it ~ you're ass will be ready to go to bed. It also seems to help in stopping your mind from obssessing about your troubles so you can sleep.

 

 

If you mistakenly get the 3 mmg (micro miligrams) over the 3 mg (miligrams) they won't do a damn thing for you. But to get the right dosage per your height/weight you might want to take 1 mg + 4 mmg, etc.) I wouldn't recommend more than 3 mg max. At 3 mg, I get a good sound sleep, but I wake up grumpy, stumbling and fumbling for the coffee pot. Like I said at 200 lbs and 6'1" two seems to be about right for me.

[Gunny376]

The reason this is getting to you so much is because you are still in shock. You never expected this and don't quite know what to make of it. The key is not basing your happiness on whether or not you have a woman in your life. A good woman is a nice bonus but a man should be able to love a full and happy life without one. Find some guy friends and go out and have some fun. It seems that men have forgotten how to bond with the guys. A fun night out is a great cure for a broken heart.

 

Woggles got a good point here! Women are part of our lives as men ~ not the sum total of our lives. Who and what we are as individuals is not defined by having a woman in our lives, nor any one particular woman (ditto for women about men).

 

What all of this has done is rocked your "center of conscious" and that's what you need to get back to. You need to crawl your ass out from underneath the bus ~ and get back to being "you"! The happy~go lucky~ devil may care~ smuck that you were before you ever meet this broad!

[sumdude]

Kepp it up EP, you'll get there! I look back over the first 8 weeks after my ex left and wish I had gone NC then. She was able to wrap me around her finger to get what she needed at the time. I think my appearance of wanting to stay in touch so badly and being in my emotional roller coaster could have helped push my ex to make the final cut by appearing pretty weak. Not that it wouldn't have happened anyway. But I think to her it seemed like so much more pressure.

 

If you don't have caller ID get it. Don't answer when she calls, let her leave a message. If it's important enough then call her back on your time. Control the conversation and make sure you are the one to end it. She moved out so get the keys and change the locks. Harden your heart for now, be a bastard without being overtly nasty. In my case there are no kids so it's a lot easier than those with kids who have to be in touch with the ex. Not only do you have that image of your wife to deal with but the image of her as a mother. Stop being the pushover, just get strong.

 

She is now a stranger coming into your home because she sure isn't the woman you married.

 

I have a very good freind who is way to nice and a pushover in general. His X strung him along for almost two years. One minute he's paying for stuff, buying her an expensive birthday dinner etc meanwhile she's got an OM he didn't know about. He looks back and wished he had cut her off 100% at the start. Let the OM take care of her now, that's what she wants so give it to her.

[Ladyjane14]

I read a good thing at MB's that says, that I need to let ALL of her Emotional Needs be met by the OM, and that eventually the reality of life will come crashing down on their little fantasy.

 

This is part of "Plan B". And IMO... it's a pretty darn good plan.

 

There are two important aspects to Plan B. The first is that once the betrayed spouse ceases to fulfill ENs... it stresses the EMR. The OM is stuck trying to carry the entire burden of emotional needs for the wayward... and more often than not, he's not up to the task at hand. The WS ends up with quite a gaping hole in her ENs. Where before, she had TWO men to meet them... now she's only got one who's usually not getting the whole job done. This often results in her reevaluating the marriage.

 

Further, without the GLUE you've unwittingly provided in making the EMR exciting... it loses it's luster. They're left dealing with each other. Two cheaters with no one else to blame their troubles on.

 

The second aspect of Plan B is that the betrayed spouse provides himself with a break in the constant chaos that the affair has created. He has time to reevaluate the marriage. Sometimes upon reevaluation, he finds continuance of the marriage undesirable. But should his WS decide to return and should he decide to make another go of it... he suddenly finds himself in a position to police his boundaries. He has negotiation power that he lacked before, bargaining chips. He has already proven that he can do just FINE without her.

 

Plan B puts you on the path to healing. In the MB plan, where many seek reconciliation of the marriage "at all costs"... Plan B shouldn't be implemented until a really stellar Plan A has been implemented in order to show even greater contrast between the two.

 

IMHO though... Plan A loses it's "ooomph" when it goes on for too long. Once you've established that you're a nice guy who's ready, willing, and able to be a terrific partner, you've done what you need to do. Continuing past that point makes you look like a doormat. Doormats don't command respect at the negotiation table. (This is another one of the reasons why I told you to take advice with a grain of salt when you're over there. If you ask me, Plan A is often encouraged for way too long, becoming detrimental at a certain point. But hey.. that's an "opinion" too. )

 

Anyway, the thing I like BEST about Plan B is that it puts YOU on the road to healing. It has the potential to lead to reconciliation, but ALSO sets boundaries on appropriate behavior when Plan D (divorce) is selected. Afterall, no one wants their former spouse up their butt all the time. Plan B trains her up to make a habit of minding her own business and not YOURS.

[Ladyjane14]

I forgot she took your book!

Having commandeered your copy of SAA... there's just no way she's not going to see your Plan B coming, EP.

 

I don't want to discourage you in your MB attempt if that's what you've decided, but... she's got to be a true MORON if she doesn't see this coming. I think sharing your copy of SAA is probably fine during the recovery phase, but while she's active in her affair, you've more or less presented her with your battle plan. Heck, it wouldn't take her a full five minutes to find you on the forum over there and know your strategy on a DAILY basis.

 

It seems to me that a WS isn't going to really feel the gravity of the situation unless they BELIEVE their spouse is actually moving on without them. If she thinks you're just playing some kind of game with her, she'll go ahead and explore her affair knowing all the while that you're waiting right there on the backburner where she left you. Your power in negotiation becomes negligible if she's aware of your desperation for reconciliation.

 

Thinking outside the box for a minute, the only other idea I have for you is to consider a fast moving "Plan D" instead. It's risky. But she won't see it coming and she'll know you mean business. People do sometimes remarry after divorce. And when they do... it's a very voluntary union with both parties making a definitive choice to be where they actually WANT to be.

 

I'm just not sure HOW you can resolve the sexual aspects of your relationship with her unless she EARNS her way back to you. She more or less blamed her affair on your sexual performance. She's emasculated you at a key level. How will you get your confidence back? You'll never be able to trust her in an emotionally intimate way unless she PROVES to you that she's not going to hurt you again.

 

I know it's tempting to try to avoid the "loneliness" you were experiencing in your previous post... but Man, you've got know that sometimes it's better to BE alone than to FEEL alone. Even if she comes back, how will YOU ever be happy unless she changes her ways?

 

My advice to you.... Set boundaries, EP. Think about what you REALLY need from her and don't accept anything less. Even if that means letting her go.

[Gunny376]

The best and quickest way is to "drop the bomb" on her! Quick playing with her silly azz!

 

I'm not married, but if I ever do get married again ~ you can bet that the wife gets to cutting a fool, and playing me for one ~my plan A and B is to kick her to the curb ~ for good!

 

My attitude anymore is that she best have her head and azz wired together, and he act together. She gets one shot at this one ~ the first one. I know what I've got to offer a woman and to bring to the table. No brag, just fact.

 

There's no shortage of women ~ and any given one hasn't got a damn thing what another hasn't got just as good as ~ if not better, just as much of ~ if not more.

 

There is a shortage of good men ~ that got their act together however, whose name's not Steve and has track lighting ( "Steel Magnolias"), not in prison, a drunk, a crack-head, a "chicken-head" {meth addict} a wife beater, a serial cheater, etc.

 

The time, effort, and energy your expending on this one ~ will net you ten others! Instead of this one, you could have Ms. Monday, Ms. Tuesday, Ms. Wednesday, etc.

[El-Producto]

Actually LJ, I've finally become comfortable with the fact that I don't WANT my STBXW back. I'm starting to remember how awful our marriage was, a lot of the time. I only want to be loved by someone who appreciates me for who I am, not for who she wants me to be. I mean, I have put up with a partner who didn't initiate sex in at least 3 years. Messed up, and I deserve better. She can read my copy of Surviving an Affair if she wants.. maybe some of the stuff will sink in. But as far as enacting any Marriage Building tactics.. I'm done. My only tactics now, are to end things with my STBXW ASAP, and get on with my life.

 

I'm already enjoying my clean, organized house. I sure don't miss her clutter and mess.

 

 

I do have a major concern that I need advice with. I will start by explaining that my wife is a bit of a "hippie" for lack of a better word. And she has always wanted to build her own house, in the bush made of log or whatever. Now I know for a fact that she thinks that she is going to build her own house on some property that she's going to purchase, for her and the kids to live in when she has them. My concern is, my wife is the type of person that never finishes anything, and I'm concerned that she is going to be living in some kind of shack with no running water, etc. and will have the kids there as she finishes whatever it is.

 

My concern is, when we go to the mediator this week to discuss the divorce, custody etc. how should I phrase my concern that she have a STABLE environment for the kids to live in, such as an apartment or something, as a condition of the custody agreement? We are going for shared custody, but I don't want my kids living in barren conditions just so my wife can live her dreams. She also has very little money, so I know she will do things on the cheap.