Is there any hope for us? (LONG)

[big_tony]

Hello All,

 

Gunny, Happy Bday!!

 

Can you guys give a short, but accurate breakdown on the acronyms being used here?

 

STBXW? Does that mean: Stupid B'ch Ex Wife?

 

I'm usually good at decyphering this stuff, but not here

 

Thanks,

Tony

[hurting_in_nw]

Hello All,

 

Gunny, Happy Bday!!

 

Can you guys give a short, but accurate breakdown on the acronyms being used here?

 

STBXW? Does that mean: Stupid B'ch Ex Wife?

 

I'm usually good at decyphering this stuff, but not here

 

Thanks,

Tony

 

I'm still figuring them out too:) STBXW/H is Soon To Be Ex Wife/Husband.

OW is other woman. OM is other man. MM is married man (mostly used by the sad, sad women in the Other Man/Woman forum).

[El-Producto]

Well, I'm officially pissed. I am very quickly losing any respect for my STBXW, she just keeps bringing the pain.

 

She took the kids out to a movie with the OM and his kids. Absolutely disrespectful to me, and the children. She is so selfish, it's unbelievable. We had agreed that she wasn't to involve our children with OM, as it would be too confusing. I mean, we only separated 1 month ago.. my children are only 6 and 8, they can't possible understand what's going on. I mean, the guy is the same age as their grandfathers. I plan to tell her how disrespectful and selfish she is being. She tells me how she is scared that I will hate her, and take her to court and try to get custody, but then pulls these sort of stunts that she knows will piss me off.

 

The problem is, she knows I'm a pushover, but little does she know that I am quickly becoming VERY ticked off, and I'm going to start reminding her about respect.

 

I wouldn't take this loser back if she was the last woman on earth. She'd better hope that the OM can put up with her bull****, because when word gets out about her affair, she is going to be outcast in this small town.

 

Too bad WS can't think properly.. it would save them a lot of trouble in the long run.

[quiet1one1]

I'd focus on the kids, not W or OM. This is really screwed up for them and I'd do whatever I could (legally) to get them away from the situation. I'm certainly no child emotional expert but I'd say at ages 6 and 8 these are ages where all this confusion will cause them damage. To them this weird extended family may be kind of fun now (Mom may even be portraying it that way to mask her guilt and/or segregate you) but longer term this cannot be good. Follow your instincts on this...

[Ladyjane14]

She tells me how she is scared that I will hate her, and take her to court and try to get custody, but then pulls these sort of stunts that she knows will piss me off.

 

The problem is, she knows I'm a pushover, but little does she know that I am quickly becoming VERY ticked off, and I'm going to start reminding her about respect.

 

It won't do a bit of good to "remind her about respect". She's like a crackhead right now and she has NONE to give.

 

Unfortunately, you're not in a position to mandate appropriate parenting of the children all by yourself. It needs to be done by the court system. Now, that can mean a legal and binding agreement that you two hammer out for yourselves... or you can get an attorney and force the issue.

 

If she's afraid you can take custody, you can probably exploit that fear. IOW, you give her the ultimatum... "We can either sit down together and decide on an appropriate parenting plan which does NOT include exposing my children to your worthless, immoral boyfriend... or I'll take your silly ass to court and have it MY way".

 

In the long run, I don't think you'll be able to keep whatever boyfriends she has in the future completely away from your children. But, if you put a plan in place NOW, maybe you can stop the "revolving door" of live-in lovers that sooooo many children of divorce are forced to tolerate.

 

Hurting in NW mentioned background checks and that sort of thing. The rules can be whatever you two agree upon and whatever the court will approve. So, you'll want to try to forecast into the future a little bit, looking for areas of weakness in the parenting plan she might one day take advantage of.

 

Regarding exposure.... If you're going to try to negotiate settlement without lawyers... I think it would be wise to get your concessions from her before exposing her affair. That might sound a bit cold-blooded, but there are times when a person needs to be a little cagey.

 

This is probably one of those times. She's very distracted by her adultery partner right now. You can use her distraction to your advantage to have more time with your kids in the home, and more input about how they're treated outside the home. You've got to really THINK about every possible contingency and get as much of what you want into this agreement as possible. Do your research.

 

Then after you have the details finalized and notarized... Hell yeah, I'd 'scorch the ground' on exposure. No way I'd be protecting somebody else's nasty old affair.

[PWSX3]

If you have been reading some of the other threads, & people have been telling you it is the same in your situation.

 

The MORE you try and reason with her the less she will think of you & the more she will want to do to piss you off & it sounds like she is doing a pretty good job at it.

 

Someone told me about 6 months ago when you keep thinking about the other person you are using up energy that you could be using to better yourself & that's so true.

 

Its like putting gas into a gas tank that has a hole in it, you can put all the gas in that you want, but when you are tire of adding gas you won't have anything in the tank so why bother?

 

Your stbxw is just living her life as she wants to, she doesn't care about you, she doesn't care what effects it will have on her kids, she JUST DOESN'T CARE!!

 

LJ has some good advice, use this time to make things better for you & your kids.....

[El-Producto]

Well, I'm kind of scared today. My STBXW went and signed up for an uncontested divorce kit through a family law group, basically they help you through the work, and do all the paperwork for a set fee, something like $500.

 

I'm upset because she did this without consulting me. We had agreed to go through a mediator. Then she starts talking about how she can't afford to live and get an apartment, even though she just bought a truck that is going to cost her $600/month in payments alone, not including gas.

 

In the beginning we had agreed that because my salary is higher I would accept 70% of our consumer debt (which we have a fair amount of). Now she is saying that she can't afford to pay the debts, along with her truck payments and rent, etc.

 

Now she is talking about how she has a right to half of the value of my car, and my pension, etc. She always said she wasn't going to go after money, but is sure is sounding different.

 

She started working last year, and made about 25000 dollars last year. She has the potential to make about 40000 this year.

 

With shared custody, am I gonna be stuck for spousal support? She has a business which I know I'm entitled to 50 percent of, but it's not really worth much.

 

I'm getting scared because she says she can't afford lawyers, but goes and pulls a stunt like this without consulting me. Should I be worried about having to pay spousal support, even though she clearly isn't responsible with her finances.. i.e $40000 truck, when she says she has no money?

[PWSX3]

I heard this in my thread & so I'm going to pass it on to you.

 

Don't believe anything she says and only believe half of what you see.

 

She hasn't honest with you in the beginning do you think she will be now??

 

Remember she is telling her side of the story to people and they are telling her to take you to the cleaners, get everything you can, etc. etc.

 

The best thing you can do is cover your a$$ and quit being a nice guy, the good guy doesn't always win when it comes to divorce.

[hurting_in_nw]

Time to get a lawyer EP.

[sumdude]

Don't be scared, BE PREPARED! Remember those balls you have man. Get thee to a lawyer tomorrow and don't bother telling her. You don't have to retain one just yet, get a consultation. 1 to 2 hours. Get your credit statements, retirement statements, etc etc. There are also accountants who specialize in the financial aspects of divorce. When it comes to divorce, money and women things change. Smack in the face, it's a divorce now not just a separation! Read up on the laws of your state regarding property, is it a community or equitable distribution state etc. Get busy.

[El-Producto]

Well, I've decided tomorrow I'm going to call a family lawyer and just get a consultation. I'm not going to retain him/her YET, just get some advice as to what to expect. I can't rely on common sense anymore, I'm scared of getting in over my head.

 

Man, I never thought I'd have to sink this low with a woman that I spent the last 10 years of my wife with. I just can't trust her to do anything. Now I'm worried she's after money.. man, makes me almost more sick than the affair. I guess that's the problem with being a NICE GUY. I expect that people will act the same.

[Gunny376]

Well, I'm kind of scared today. My STBXW went and signed up for an uncontested divorce kit through a family law group, basically they help you through the work, and do all the paperwork for a set fee, something like $500.

 

I'm upset because she did this without consulting me. We had agreed to go through a mediator. Then she starts talking about how she can't afford to live and get an apartment, even though she just bought a truck that is going to cost her $600/month in payments alone, not including gas.

 

In the beginning we had agreed that because my salary is higher I would accept 70% of our consumer debt (which we have a fair amount of). Now she is saying that she can't afford to pay the debts, along with her truck payments and rent, etc.

 

Now she is talking about how she has a right to half of the value of my car, and my pension, etc. She always said she wasn't going to go after money, but is sure is sounding different.

 

She started working last year, and made about 25000 dollars last year. She has the potential to make about 40000 this year.

 

With shared custody, am I gonna be stuck for spousal support? She has a business which I know I'm entitled to 50 percent of, but it's not really worth much.

 

I'm getting scared because she says she can't afford lawyers, but goes and pulls a stunt like this without consulting me. Should I be worried about having to pay spousal support, even though she clearly isn't responsible with her finances.. i.e $40000 truck, when she says she has no money?

 

:lmao: :lmao: Thanks EP, I needed a good laugh.

 

There's no freaking way she's going to get spousal support on a $500 DIY divorce kit. You? You can afford to "lawyer up" while she on the other hand can't.

 

Worse case? I see you one way or the other getting stuck with 100% of the bills ~ which the court will split in some way. And, you'll end up having to drag her back into court to make her pony up.

 

You're sitting in the "cat-bird's" seat my man ~ chill. You just need to "man-up" and not cave into her BS! She's talking big time smack ~ because she knows she's in a bad spot, and its only going to get worse before it get better. You just need to get and stay on top of things, and work on your "inner game"

 

Speak with not one, but three different lawyers. The intiail consultation shouldn't cost you anything, and if it does ~ walk.

 

Oh! With her keep your mouth shut about your personal affairs. She gave up any and all rights to your personal business ~ including discussions you've had with your lawyers.

[Ladyjane14]

Then she starts talking about how she can't afford to live and get an apartment, even though she just bought a truck that is going to cost her $600/month in payments alone, not including gas.

 

You guys are too nice. I'd have told her to go shake down her "sugar daddy" by now.

 

(Hey, if it's fabulous enough cootchie that he needed to mess around in somebody else's marriage... it must be good enough to pay for. :lmao: )

 

Anyway, these guys are absolutely correct. She's lost the right to be inside your head or in your personal business. And I don't give a rat's patootie WHAT she's told you about amicable divorces or do-it-yourself settlements. The bottom line is....

 

Divorce is MESSY. It's always messy. That's just the way it is. You two are adversaries on opposite sides of the settlement table. Don't forget it for a minute. You don't have to be nasty and you don't have to be mean... but you do need to protect your own interests and your children first and foremost.

 

Good call on getting some legal advice.

 

Atta-boy! :)

[ilmw]

Its threads like this... I am reminded that I have it easy...

 

I am sorry you are having to go through this.. and all the others who are having to as well.

 

Stay strong.

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

You guys are too nice. I'd have told her to go shake down her "sugar daddy" by now.

 

(Hey, if it's fabulous enough cootchie that he needed to mess around in somebody else's marriage... it must be good enough to pay for. :lmao: )

 

LOL! You got that right! You want to play ~ then you've got to pay!

 

Anyway, these guys are absolutely correct. She's lost the right to be inside your head or in your personal business. And I don't give a rat's patootie WHAT she's told you about amicable divorces or do-it-yourself settlements.

 

And while we're on the subject? She's given up any and all of her Bit****

rights to you as well ~ one of the up-sides of all this. You're no longer obligated to listen to all that smack that comes out of her mouth. She's got money problems, problems paying for her truck, problems putting gas in it, problems paying the rent, etc ~ that's what that is ~ her problems. If it effects the children ~ then obviously the children need to be with you.

 

If she ends up living out in the woods, sleeping in a hollow log, drinking muddy water, eating fresh road kill ~ that's her problem ~ not yours. She's the one 100% responsible for that ~ not you. Peoples choices have consequences.

 

And, I wouldn't be taking her back ~ just because things get rough for her. To do so would only be setting yourself for further grief.

 

I wouldn't be letting her off the hook for the bills either ~ she'd be ponying up for 50% ~ not 30%. If she's got to sell her new shiny pickup and buy a used 74 Ford Maverick held together with bailing wire and duck tape ~ that even "Pimp My Ride" wouldn't touch ~ and work two, three jobs? Oh well, too bad too sad! Hate to be you! ((BTW ~ I personally know of a lot of people, especially women that have two or three jobs, and take on roommates, etc) I wouldn't cut her any slack just because she's got XX chromosones!

[Ladyjane14]

If she's got to sell her new shiny pickup and buy a used 74 Ford Maverick held together with bailing wire and duck tape ~ that even "Pimp My Ride" wouldn't touch ~ and work two, three jobs? Oh well, too bad too sad! Hate to be you!

 

:laugh:

Hell, you can fix ANYTHING with bailing wire and duck tape, man. She don't need a new truck. All she needs is a trip to the Tractor Supply Company.

 

Maybe you could her off with a 50$ gift certificate?

[Gunny376]

:laugh:

Hell, you can fix ANYTHING with bailing wire and duck tape, man. She don't need a new truck. All she needs is a trip to the Tractor Supply Company.

 

Maybe you could her off with a 50$ gift certificate?

 

Here in Alabama we don't ask if you've got duck tape, wire and WD-40, we say "Let me hold your roll of duck tape, spool of wire or can of WD-40.

 

Just to put a smile on your face ~ and this is divorce related.

 

After the divorce, the X-Hex stayed in Alabama with the kids, and I went on to Camp Lejuene NC. I came down and got the kid, and well like a newly divorced idiot ~ I regressed back to my younger years when I owned a boss, 1969 Pontiac Firebird convertable, with a 400 cubic inch engine and four barrel carb. That thing wouldn't do nothing but scat! The speedometer registered up to 160 mph, but the fastest I ever got her was up to 130, (Look Ma' No rolebar, airbags, and only lap seatbelts that I never wear anyway!)

 

Anyway after the Big D, I went out and bought myself another Firebird. Excpet this one had t-tops. So I crusie on down to Alabama and pick up the kids and we're crusing back up to NC.

 

We get to the otherside of Atlanta and stop to get gas. "Tushie Baby" (real family nick name LOL!) my daughter age 11 says "Dad, lets take the tops off!" "Bubba" (again real family nick name) age 7 says "Yea! Kool!) So I take them off and put them on top of the luggage in the truck. Thing is? I had one of those sealing glass trucks common back in the late 80's on Firebirds. As soon as I closed the trunk lid ~ I realized my mistake. Too late ~ breaking glass sound. So I'm officially PO'ed. I do one of those bowing, head in hands, "How could you be so stupid!" swirling around, looking up to see the biggest damn thunder cloud I'd ever seen over the horizon of Atlanta?! "Oh F**K!" We're talking "Katrina" type rain and thunder clouds, here!

 

So I get the tops back out, and yep, between the left (drivers side) and right hand side ~ guess which one got broken. Yep! You guessed it ~ mine.

 

But hey? I'm a career Marine and a card carrying redneck? Adapt, improvise and overcome ~ right. So I go back into the store, locate some duck tape ~ buy about six rolls, and ask the clerk if she's got any cardboard boxes I could get from her (eventually must have used about twelve or fourteen. A little "zip" here and a little "zip" there and off we go. Across Georgia, South Carolina, all the way to coastal North Carolina ~ the kids and I singing to Marshall Tucker Band, Charlie Daniels Band, and but of course "Sweet Home Alabama" ~ and yea it rained the like a damn monsoon the whole way ~ that is up to the last ten miles before we got to the house. Even with the cardboard, plastic, and duck tape, by the time we got to NC, I looked like a wet cat! LOL!

 

Adventrures in "Divorce la~la land!" Not for the weak hearted nor weak minded!

 

Duck tape? Bailing Wire? WD-40? Forget American Express! Don't leave home without it!

[quiet1one1]

Great story! Just when I was thought I was starting my day on the down-low....NOT!

[El-Producto]

Great story Gunny, thanks for the laugh.

 

Man, I'm so impressed myself more and more each day. My STBXW came by the house this morning to pick up the kids (I'm working nights all weekend), and I know she had spent the night at the OM's house. It bothered me for a second, but instead of stewing on it, and freaking out.. I said to myself "remember, you can't control what she does, it's none of your business anymore", and BAM!!! I suddenly didn't care anymore.

 

Then I look into her brand new truck and see chaos. She has crap EVERYWHERE, much like when she lived here. She is going on and on about how busy she is, and the thousand things she has to do, and hasn't gotten done, and how she has no time to exercise, etc. etc. I just stepped back and looked at her from the outside and all in the same moment, I felt sorry for her, and REALLY happy for myself because I don't have to live with that anymore.

 

Progress is a wonderful thing, and I can't WAIT to get this done with.

 

Oh and I probably haven't mentioned it, but I signed up to run the Chicago marathon in October. I'm so excited and scared at the same time. I've never run a race EVER, and I've only started running a few months ago. My new GPS/Heartrate monitor watch arrived last night, so I'm gonna go for a run today and test it out.. the weather is beautiful right now.

 

I also bought a copy of Rebuilding: When your relationship ends. Looks like a great book, and I've seen it recommended elsewhere. http://www.amazon.ca/Rebuilding-When-Your-Relationship-Ends/dp/1886230692/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/701-2196395-1929128?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1177079256&sr=8-1

[El-Producto]

Well, she just called from the OM's place, I guess her cell phone is dead. I saw on my new phone with call display. Bad news is, it bothered me for a moment, good news is, I went for a walk and I've forgotten about it.

 

Seems to get easier.

[Ladyjane14]

Good for you.

 

Wow! You've covered ALOT of ground when you consider the sad and guilt-riddled guy who first posted to us just a few weeks ago. Amazing progress. Kudos to you.

 

It's like a lightning bulb suddenly 'turning on' over your head when you REALIZE how very much control you can have over your thought process and your emotions, isn't it??? And the coolest thing about that is... once you've learned it, it's with you forever.

 

You are NOW in the driver's seat of your life, brother. Forever and ever, Amen. :bunny:

[PWSX3]

Oh and I probably haven't mentioned it, but I signed up to run the Chicago marathon in October. I'm so excited and scared at the same time. I've never run a race EVER, and I've only started running a few months ago. My new GPS/Heartrate monitor watch arrived last night, so I'm gonna go for a run today and test it out.. the weather is beautiful right now.

WAY TO GO!!!!!

What is there to be scared of, just pretend the stbx is wanting to get back together with you....:laugh:

 

I think that is awesome, maybe we will see you on TV...

 

Doesn't it feel good when you decide to try something new, then you plan for it, its all good......

 

I need to take your advice & just tell myself; self there is nothing you can do about the sweat dear wife. Who she is is who she is & if I'm not happy with that then I need to do something about it, not her.

[El-Producto]

Man, the melancholy is what really sucks. I'm working 12h night shift this weekend, and it's fairly quiet in the ER right now. This is when I start missing my STBXW, and feeling like crap. I've figured out that as long as I'm busy, I can get by. Tomorrow will be tough because we are taking my 6 year old daughter out to dinner at a restaurant the two of us. Whenever I see her, I long for the good times and realise how beautiful she is. I know this isn't healthy, and I just have to remember that she isn't thinking the same about me (despite my new, hot body)

 

Oh what a ride this is.. I can't wait for it to be over.

[Gunny376]

The running helps a lot. I never got up to marathon nor Ironman strength. My typical run is about three miles, sometimes four, five, or six if I've got issues or something on my mind. If I was really PO, I hit the beaches and run in the sand or through the surf ~ usually not a problem since most Marine bases are on he coasts.

 

I remember the "ultimate ~ knock-down drag out fight I had with my XW in Okinawa Japan. I went Marine Corps "DI" on her, had her backed up in a corner, hiding behind the curtains, crying ~ in short I went ape on her. Not a proud moment in my life? And, this was back before the Internet, LS, Marriagebuilders, etc. This was way back in 89' I told her:

 

"At the very least your azz is having an emotional affair on my azz! Your f**king playing with fire here!"

 

Man! Was I PO'd. I went for my run, and I ran like Forrest Gump! I got back from my run, and I thought to myself? I really did the distance today? I got in the car and meausred the distance ~ twelve miles! I was gone for hours, (back then I ran a 22 minute mile ~ it took me about four and half hours) and totally oblivious to it! the endorphins were kicking in ) Now days, at fifty I'm down to about a 32 minute mile ~ mainly because I took my pack off when I retired ~ DUMB!

[El-Producto]

Well, just got back from my daughters birthday dinner with my STBXW. She was 40 min. late, and has been late EVERY time we have had to switch off the kids or anything. Now that I look back, she was always late for everything. I hate when people can't organize themselves to be on time. I realized that this is a really annoying trait about her. Makes things easier.