Is there any hope for us? (LONG)

[mammax3]

I like your point EP, about that negative quality of lateness.

 

It's easy to remember the good times (*IF* they outweigh the bad! ) and get caught up in remembering and aching for what used to be.

 

Switching it up and recalling the things that bothered you is a good technique, and one that should be used often as a reminder!

 

Thanks for the idea!

[quiet1one1]

EP, looks like you've flopped-over to the "it's over" side but if you're *normal* you'll flip-flop between wanting her and your M back to it being over many more times.

 

A previous poster asked a good, simple question, "Do you really love her?" After all she's put you through, can you really love her UNCONDITIONALLY again? I'll ask, if she came running back saying some some miracle happened and she suddenly realized what she was losing (insert fantasy scene here) WILL YOU EVER be able to let all this go? I don't think most people could - I know for sure I couldn't - and you'll have to.

 

Sounds like you're making good progress - keep up the fight.

[Ladyjane14]

Well, just got back from my daughters birthday dinner with my STBXW. She was 40 min. late, and has been late EVERY time we have had to switch off the kids or anything. Now that I look back, she was always late for everything. I hate when people can't organize themselves to be on time. I realized that this is a really annoying trait about her. Makes things easier.

 

This is one of those things that you'll do well to address in your custody agreement, getting something in writing. Tardiness can become a bit of a power-play between divorced couples. For someone who ALREADY lacks the common courtesy to be on-time.... it's not too big of a leap to start using it as a tool to "punish" their ex-mate. I believe this affair is likely to blow up in her face one day, and when it does, she's gonna be in a nasty mood. You don't want to be sitting in the car for an hour and forty-five minutes twice a week at your local McDonald's waiting, right? So... address it now.

 

Also, the separation is new to the kids, so it was VERY nice of you to agree to be a part of your STBX's party plans. But it really IS above and beyond the call. It's perfectly okay for you to have separate plans of your own from this point on. You're not going to want to set this kind of precedent where the ex-wife gets to budget your time. Lord willing and the creek don't rise, someday you'll meet a nice girl and she's not going to want to have your ex telling her man what to do or when to do it. So... address it now.

 

Really delve into your creatively visualized future... and protect it now. You can avoid alot of hassle by setting personal boundaries and using your imagination to forecast potential problems in detail. Start setting new precedents on what kind of treatment you'll be willing to tolerate.

[Ladyjane14]

Man, the melancholy is what really sucks. I'm working 12h night shift this weekend, and it's fairly quiet in the ER right now. This is when I start missing my STBXW, and feeling like crap. I've figured out that as long as I'm busy, I can get by.

 

Watch for fatigue too, EP. Night shifts can be stressful on the body. People who work nights rarely get enough restful sleep. Being tired will make you feel more vulnerable to sadness and depression. So, try to avoid becoming overly exhausted. This might be a great time to re-do your bedroom and make it conducive to restful sleep during the day when you're on night shifts.

 

Staying busy is a good thing... but you also need your down-time.

[El-Producto]

Well, today was probably the lowest point of all of this. I will set up the story briefly.

 

Yesterday when we were out to dinner, I asked my wife if she would mind watching the kids tonight for 2 hours while I play basketball something I do every week. My parents had offered but they live 15min. away, and I just thought it would be easier for the k ids to just stay home. She agreed, and seemed quite happy to do so.

 

Fast forward to today, I came home after sleeping at my parents after my night shift, to get the kids from school. I passed my STBXW on the highway, and was going to stop and get a coffee, so I picked her up one too. I enter the house about an hour before having to get the kids, and the first thing she says to me is how busy she is, and that she doesn't have time to watch the kids tonight. Rather than just say okay, I get upset and remind her about all of the "favors" I have been doing for her during the separation.

 

Then she SNAPS!!! She goes off about how busy she is, and she has no time to do anything, and she is behind on deadlines, etc. etc. Same old **** I've been listening too since all of this happened. Of course, I should have walked right out of the house at that point, because I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere fast. But no... I decide that I need to defend myself. Keep in mind I'm on about 3 hours sleep, so my judgment isn't the best right now. She goes on and on about how stressful her life is right now, and I reiterate that it was her choice, and I don't feel sorry for her at all. She then goes back into a tyrade about how the affair is my fault, and her binge eating, and mental stress over the past 5 years have all been my fault, and how she deserves to be happy, etc. etc.

 

Then I lose it. I remind her that the affair was her choice, and that I'm having a hard time getting over it. I remind her that I've accepted my contribution to the destruction of our marriage, but that I didn't hold her hand and tell her to screw another guy. She screams at me, to just "GET OVER IT", your such a wimp. Then I say some not nice things about her choice to sleep with a man that is twice her age, and how disgusting that is. She then grabs a pool cue, and sticks it in my face and starts screaming uncontrollably. She's always had a problem with anger, and it really shows at times. She didn't hit me, but I think she was close, and I almost wish she did.

 

She finally left, and I'm pissed off. She totally railroaded me, after I brought her a coffee, and had no intention to discuss any relationship stuff at all. My analysis of her behaviour is that I think that she is finally feeling some regret as to her decision, and she's feeling overwhelmed because I'm not there to catch her now that she's falling. I think she's testing me to make me say things that will reaffirm her delusions that I'm "The Bad Guy". I promise myself I will NEVER let this happen again.

 

I'm really upset, and mad at her. That was totally unfair, and I've decided that I'm going total NC.

[Gunny376]

Oh Hell ******** no, she didn't!

 

Dude! Own up to your failures in the marraige ~ but don't be buying off on her BS!

 

I'd be telling her to go and pound sand in her azz at the nearest beach!

 

Don't for one second buy off on her BS that the reason she had an affair is your fault!

[sumdude]

Oh man, there's that same old song and dance.

 

Everything wrong in her life is somebody else's fault.

She changes things on the outside hoping it'll fix how she feels inside.

That doesn't seem to be working so now even more things get added to the someone else's fault list.

Since you're the one that was closest to her you're the easiest target for all the blame heaping.

 

Forget that noise some people do not know HOW to be happy and aren't able to look INSIDE for solutions.

 

NC is the KEY.

[El-Producto]

Yeah, my STBXW absolutely has an extrinsic locust of control. She is not responsible for anything that happens to her, she always got excuses as to why she's late, why she didn't do this, why she slept with an old man, etc. etc. It's tough watching her fall so hard, but I'm not letting her drag me down with her. I've done nothing wrong, and no matter what she says, I know that.. and everyone around me knows that.

 

That is the LAST time she gets the honor of knowing how I feel about ANYTHING.

[hurting_in_nw]

And quit buying her f***ing coffee dude. You shouldn't be doing jack squat for her anymore.

[Gunny376]

And quit buying her f***ing coffee dude. You shouldn't be doing jack squat for her anymore.

 

 

OoooooRaaaahhhhh~! SemperFi, Mac!

 

(Sidebar~ Marines when motivated always say OoooooRaaaahhhh! to good things. SemperFi Mac, comes from Semper Fidelis ~ Latin for Always Faithful ~ the Marine Corps motto ~ Mac comes from all the Irish and Scotish in the Corps ~ (love those guys) Along with the African's ~ Man did I learn something from them about being a man!

[quiet1one1]

EP get away from her!!! You are in the driver's seat here unless you do something to screw it all up. Whatever you need to do to get away from her, DO IT.

[El-Producto]

Man, that was a really crappy day. That whole argument just killed me. I'm already short on sleep after doing nights, and now I'm just an emotional wreck. It's too bad, because I was really doing well for myself.

 

My plan is to go dark, and only use short emails to convey anything that needs to be said to her. This is the difficult thing when kids are involved, you can't really go totally NC, but I'm going to do my best. Every time she enters my life right now, she sends me backwards, rather than forwards. I need to control this situation, not let her control my emotions.

 

I'm just going to work on getting my finances in order, and getting the separation agreement ready. I need to distance myself not only physically but legally as well.

 

I don't even know what it's all about anymore. At times I think its the affair, but I don't know that it's really bothering me anymore. I sure as hell don't have any feelings left for her, she's doing a great job of killing any of those. Maybe now, I'm so set on getting on with my life, that everything she is doing to slow that, is really getting me down.

[Ladyjane14]

She goes off about how busy she is, and she has no time to do anything, and she is behind on deadlines, etc. etc. Same old **** I've been listening too since all of this happened. Of course, I should have walked right out of the house at that point, because I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere fast. But no... I decide that I need to defend myself. Keep in mind I'm on about 3 hours sleep, so my judgment isn't the best right now. She goes on and on about how stressful her life is right now, and I reiterate that it was her choice, and I don't feel sorry for her at all. She then goes back into a tyrade about how the affair is my fault, and her binge eating, and mental stress over the past 5 years have all been my fault, and how she deserves to be happy, etc. etc.

 

I just posted this on another thread... but I'll say it again to you. The beauty of divorce is that you don't HAVE to listen to her bullsh*t anymore. You are at NO OBLIGATION to her in any sort of personal way.

 

Have you ever seen Gone With the Wind? The famous Rhett Butler exit line springs to mind...

"Frankly, my dear WS... I don't give a damn".

(Cue music and roll credits!)

 

You don't have to talk to her. You don't have to listen to her yammering in your ear, or gift her with any attention to her affair babble.

 

My plan is to go dark, and only use short emails to convey anything that needs to be said to her. This is the difficult thing when kids are involved, you can't really go totally NC, but I'm going to do my best. Every time she enters my life right now, she sends me backwards, rather than forwards. I need to control this situation, not let her control my emotions.

 

This is a good plan. Because it doesn't provide her with any additional fodder she can use to feed to her attorney. AND... it allows you to distance yourself emotionally.

 

Now, you already know you need to get more rest. I don't have to tell you how mental stress affects the body. So... "get 'er done".

 

You might also contact the children's teachers and apprise them of the situation if you haven't already done so. That way, you can provide your little guys with some extra support at school, and also make sure that the teachers are contacting you directly with scheduling information and problems. Most have email addresses these days so it's a small matter for them to just add you to their address book.

 

Talk to their guidance counselors and include whatever other key people that influence your kids like soccer coaches or dance instructors. Bottom line.... be proactive. Don't wait for STBXW to inform you about what's going on with the kids. Be in-the-know.

 

Make sure you're documenting all your positive parenting into your log. You can't trust a WS, so you never can tell what you'll need down the road.

[sumdude]

Man, that was a really crappy day. That whole argument just killed me. I'm already short on sleep after doing nights, and now I'm just an emotional wreck. It's too bad, because I was really doing well for myself.

 

My plan is to go dark, and only use short emails to convey anything that needs to be said to her. This is the difficult thing when kids are involved, you can't really go totally NC, but I'm going to do my best. Every time she enters my life right now, she sends me backwards, rather than forwards. I need to control this situation, not let her control my emotions.

 

I'm just going to work on getting my finances in order, and getting the separation agreement ready. I need to distance myself not only physically but legally as well.

 

I don't even know what it's all about anymore. At times I think its the affair, but I don't know that it's really bothering me anymore. I sure as hell don't have any feelings left for her, she's doing a great job of killing any of those. Maybe now, I'm so set on getting on with my life, that everything she is doing to slow that, is really getting me down.

 

You're hitting the next stage.... You're going to have good days and bad days.. moments of weakness etc. Keep fighting and remember who and what you really are. You've lived up to a pretty high standard of ethics and should be proud of that so keep your head high. You're actually stronger than her even if you don't feel that way right now. Get some sleep any way you can. I know that I was too tired yesterday from lack of sleep and it allowed those feel sorry for myself negative feelings to slip through my defenses.

 

See if you can find some way to take a week or two off for yourself. Let your STBX bitch about it, who cares what she thinks.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

past 5 years have all been my fault, and how she deserves to be happy, etc. etc.

 

I heard the exact same thing! Amazing. Unlike you though I did get hit--not with a pool cue--and she threatened my life. It hurt to leave her even through all the crap, but now I'm close to a full sprint in running the other direction, away from her. How long has it been since you guys split?

[El-Producto]

I heard the exact same thing! Amazing. Unlike you though I did get hit--not with a pool cue--and she threatened my life. It hurt to leave her even through all the crap, but now I'm close to a full sprint in running the other direction, away from her. How long has it been since you guys split?

 

 

It's been about a month, since we split.. It's funny too, I was looking through some old photos to upload to facebook, and in the box I found a letter and an apology card that she had given to me about a year or so ago, after obviously a huge fight. I don't remember the specifics but she must have said some nasty stuff to me. Anyway, the just of the letter is that she loves me so much, and respects me, etc. etc. etc. But I was under the impression that she has basically hated me for the last 5 years {insert sarcasm here). Anyway, I was feeling particularly vindictive, and left the letter and card on her desk at home. I see now that I've returned it's gone, and it's not in the garbage anywhere. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, but she needs to give her head a shake.

[El-Producto]

Just as I thought that things couldn't get worse, I have another terrible day. My wife calls me at work to ask how to connect her new laptop to our router at home. I try to walk her through it, but am unable. She then asks for the password to my computer, so she can check her email. I tell her that I don't want her using my computer. She gets very defensive and asks if I'm trying to hide something, and if I'm planning to sue her. I very calmly reply that I don't want her snooping on my computer when I'm not there. I don't think I used the word snoop, but you get the point. She then comments on the new watch that I bought for running, and asked how I could afford that. I reminded her politely that my finances were no longer her concern. When she chose to end the marriage, she lost the right to tell me what I can, and can't spend my money on.

 

This sets off another brutal tyrade on her part, and she starts screaming and yelling on the phone about how her having an affair was my fault, due to needing love that I didn't give her. I was too busy playing video games to even care about her and the family. Which is true to some degree, that I spent too much time doing so, but I never neglected my duties as a father. I then politely remind her that I have accepted my contribution to the problems in our marriage, but that I don't believe that she has accepted her role, and that I didn't hold her hand and tell her to have the affair, it was just a byproduct of our problems, but I still feel it is a wrong thing to do.

 

This sets off absolute insanity. She starts saying that she's losing friends because they are taking my side, and that I must be feeding them misinformation about her. And that if I continue to do that, she is going to tell everyone that for the last 4 years, me having sex with her, and her not wanting to was rape, and that I was raping my wife for 4 years. Even though, whenever she said she didn't want to have sex, I respected that, and stopped anything.

 

This is the most hurtful, hateful thing she has ever said to me. It made me sick to my stomach. I was always very loving to her, and would never have done anything to hurt her on purpose. She says that these arguments we have had this week are causing her to be physically ill, and that she doesn't want to speak to me anymore, and only wants to deal with email. That is fine with me, because I've been trying to do that, and the only time we have arguments is when she calls me, and railroads me into them.

 

Can someone please explain this awful behaviour. She is making me feel like I'm a terrible, criminal. I'm the one that tried to save the marriage, even though she feels it was all too late. How can someone say such awful things? I feel sick to my stomach.

 

Is she having a hard time with the fact that I'm no longer begging for her to come back, and that I've started to move on with my life? Has she finally realized that what she did was wrong, and is feeling guilty, but in order to lessen her guilt she is hurting me with the only thing she has left, her words. Or does she mean what she says?

 

I'm so confused and hurt today, it's unbelievable. It's sad too, because I am really starting to feel good about myself, and then I get ripped back down.

[hurting_in_nw]

Dude why are you even engaging her at all? Why are you helping her connect her computer? WHY IS SHE EVEN IN THE HOUSE STILL??

[Ladyjane14]

You can't internalize anything she says or does right now, EP. She's just lashing out at you. That's all. She's angry and she's frustrated. Her "fantasy" is dying right before her eyes.

She had this idealistic view of what she thought her life would be... and it's not going the way she thought it would. It's taking up more of her time, energy, and money than she counted on... and she's getting tired.

 

She's gonna thrash and carry on like a snake that's had it's head chopped off. And she's gonna direct all that negative energy at YOU.

Divorces are messy. There's not much way around that.

 

Try not to take it all personally. You KNOW she's rewriting the marital history to suit her rationalizations. And yes... she's going to lose friends, but that's not your fault. You aren't the one who committed the actions that are causing the loss. She's going to be tired and frustrated from having to handle all her own chores and problems without your help. But that too is not your fault. She CHOSE it.

 

This is the bed she's made for herself. She has no one else to blame... but she is sure as sh*t gonna try.

You do NOT have to stand like a soldier for her abuse. That's the beauty of divorce, and THAT's what I'd tell her next time she started flapping her lip at me.

 

Thicker skin, fella.

This ain't about YOU. Don't forget that for a minute.

 

You've got two good legs, right? Next time she gets in your face... use 'em. Leave the immediate vicinity, but don't let her run you out of your home.

And if she gets physical... don't hesitate to call the police. She's liable to get worse before she gets better.

[sumdude]

Holy screamin' psycho b****es batman...

 

All her problems that are internal she has externalized and blamed on you.. She's lost her mind and painted everything with a big black brush to justify her actions to herself.

 

LJ seems to have the picture down pretty well. I had a similar thing happen to me but it was hardly so vindictive and out of control. My STBX lost a freind or two ...

 

On my part during the first couple weeks which is the paraniod phase I did talk a bit too much to people I should have avoided. That first 8 weeks my head was spinning and I imagine hers was too

 

Hang in there and don't take her ranting to heart.

[El-Producto]

Even though I know this fogtalk is crap. It sure as hell hurts. I mean, she essentially is accusing me of raping my own wife. And yes, she used the term rape. I feel like the worlds worst scumbag, even though I know in my heart how things really have gone in the last 4 years. She is basically saying that there were times that she didn't want to have sex, and I made her feel guilty about never wanting to "put out", and she just did it out of guilt. I however know for a fact, that if she ever said NO, or SHE DIDN'T WANT TO, I respected that. I may not have just accepted it, but I would NEVER, EVER do anything to hurt her, especially something as AWFUL as rape.

 

I mean why the hell is she blaming ALL of her problems on me now. She has gone from accepting her contribution to our problems, to now blaming everything on me, including the affair. She says that everyone she talks to said that she did nothing wrong and it was bound to happen. Why then, does everyone I talk to say the opposite.

 

She also said VERY sarcastically that she is really happy that I'm getting in shape, and taking care of myself and feeling good, and it must be nice to have time to do that, because all she has time to do is work, and binge eat. I thought that I caused her binge eating, yet she's still doing it even though I'm out of the picture.

 

I guess I just don't understand the hate and anger that is directed toward me. I've done NOTHING wrong through all of this breakup, in fact I've taken care to do only good things, with the exception of the occasional fight I've had with her.

 

I guess the truth hurts her more than she knew.

[Ladyjane14]

Reverse Babble Situation....

 

"If you wanted to divorce me because you were so unhappy... how come you aren't happy now?"

 

I know that YOU KNOW this isn't about you. Stop beating yourself up before I send someone out there to do it for you!!! :p

 

(Where the hell is Gunny anyway???)

[El-Producto]

Seriously Lady Jane, you are the best. Whenever I'm confused you clarify things so well. Now I just need Gunny to come and tear me a new a-hole.

[Ladyjane14]

Now I just need Gunny to come and tear me a new a-hole.

 

OMG... be careful what you wish for, man. :lmao:

(Knock on wood or something.... quick!)

 

He seems to be rather GOOD at that, you know.

[Gunny376]

Reverse Babble Situation....

 

"If you wanted to divorce me because you were so unhappy... how come you aren't happy now?"

 

I know that YOU KNOW this isn't about you. Stop beating yourself up before I send someone out there to do it for you!!! :p

 

(Where the hell is Gunny anyway???)

 

Been busy calling "Earl" ~ Got the flu ~ can't keep my head and azz out of the toliet!

 

God! Just freaking kill me already!