Cheated, Now What

[Paladium]

I read PrettyinBlack's thread and am wanting to tell my tale and get advice.

 

I went out with a girl for 9 years. After 9 years (and I always wanted to get married) she told me she was too torn between keeping the relationship and dealing with a terminally ill parent that she needed to break up. That was last March (06) I live in another city close by (within an hour) and I basically said take it easy and we'll see how it goes. I adored her. I acted with her always in a manner similar to our first date I was always on my best behaviour.

 

Over the next 6 mths she returned my bank card and my cell phone and phoned me once with money troubles (not a lot) which i helped her out with

 

I eventually told her over the phone that I didn't think she was levelling with me on some things and recently she told me she was seeing someone else.

 

I asked her when that began and she said in Dec 06 which under closer scrutiny changed to Aug. So I said to her that she broke up with me (finally on my birthday in July) because of the trauma and stress and three weeks later she had a boyfriend. I told her she was a liar.

 

I got my old cell phone bills and it appears that someone was always calling her on her work breaks and right after work. And this person wasn't me. So caught in a lie again she said she had seen someone for a brief time and not the guy she's currently going out with and it was a mistake. We are suppose to meet tomorrow for final resolution.

 

First off I know everyone will say that you should just forget about her she's not worth it. Unfortunately this is the first person I truly loved and this has caused me a lot of trauma....read prettyinblack's thread to get the picture of the trauma.

 

My problem besides the lies are I never was afforded the opportunity to work things out. To even say good-bye ala Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I want to know the whole story and the truth as opposed to the lies, I think I've earned at least that. I still love her and would take her back in a moment but as they tell the ladies ....I guess she's just not into me. During that 9 years I had some downs and she was always there to pick me up and make me a better person so ultimately this betrayal was devastating especially because she was in reality my best friend too. I am a nice guy I just can't imagine cutting someone entirely out of my life who for 8 years was the light of my life.

 

I cry all the time. I missed her everyday for a year and I miss her now.

 

Tomorrow we are meeting and before we even begin to talk I wanted to return some stuff she gave me. On the Christmas before the breakup she gave me a signed poster of Shakespeare in Love my favourite picture and I framed it for like $400. But I can't accept it, because where was the love/ Why wasn't I given a chance. Was 9 years equivalent to 3 weekends of cheating and a two four of beer?

 

Of course I am angry and bitter at times and fight the urge to get even all the while with an intense feeling of love and loss. I still want her to be a part of my life even if it is as an acquaintance....who know what she wants but its probably not me.

 

I wrote her a long lettrer as to my feelings about the lies. She cried and read a letter she wrote apologizing for a whole slew of things regarding how she treated me. I feel/know her apology is legit but where was that thought process when things were going on?

 

My friends say don't return the gifts as it is spiteful. I was going to return a watch, a stress stone and a scroll that I got 7 years ago that says a "true friend walks in when the whole world walks out" For 8 years she was that friend.

 

I don't know what to do.

[Erik]

First off I know everyone will say that you should just forget about her she's not worth it.

 

There you have it.

 

She may be worth it, but after nine years, she's not coming back. Most probably she has been wanting to break up for a long time, but have not had the heart or guts to tell you, it's easier just to find a new lover.

 

Don't see her again, it will only add to your misery and make you do things that you will regret. If you see her, you will start pouring out your feelings, and because of her bad conscience of having cheated on you, she will resent this. You will probably start crying, or even begging. You will loose all self respect and become impotent.

[Paladium]

You know I'm 44 years old and right or wrong I am not going to live my life regretting not saying how I feel once, not thinking woulda shoulda coulda. I want final resolution.

 

I am not into begging, of course I am still into wanting and longing.

 

Oh well.

 

Thanks for the reply

[Erik]

I am not going to live my life regretting not saying how I feel once, not thinking woulda shoulda coulda. I want final resolution.

 

You regret it for the rest of you life if you DO tell her how you feel, begging or not.

 

Closure, sorry, you will never get that.

[someone2]

Right now, you think you will never forget her, and that life will be impossible if you never know what happened.

 

Two years from now, everything will be forgotten. You will be with someone else , and you will not even care what her side of the story was.

You will be looking back at this thread and laughing.

 

Trust me. I have been there

[nicki]

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. You must be feeling so sad to lose a relationship that you thought was going to be for forever.

 

It's hard because you want comfort and closure from the person who hurt you. And this is the person you have always gone to for comfort...but you can't now.

 

I have begged ex boyfriends for the "truth," for closure, and even for another chance. I have met with them, explained my thoughts and feelings and have asked them to help me understand the reasons for the break up and to tell me the truth about other women....and, though, they might have listened to me, they didn't really care. It was over for them.

 

I left the "meetings" feeling so low and vulnerable, and no closer to the truth or to closure. It was like I gave them the last bit of power I had.

 

Now I keep that power for myself. I don't go to exes for comfort if they are the ones who have hurt me....even though it is such a strong impulse since that's what we do in our relationships...but the relationship is over.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think any good can come of meeting with her. Sometimes we have to give ourselves our own closure.

 

I say the following gently: She's not with you. It's over. What more do you need?

 

Keep your dignity and don't see her. You already know enough.

 

Big hug to you.

[lorr]

Sorry to say this but it looks like she has clearly moved on with her life and I suggest you do the same. Regardless of whether you've been with her for 9 years or more, it was pretty obvious that the relationship had run its course. I know it hurts but you need to realise that when you are involved in any relationship there is never any guarantees that things will go according to plan, and at the end of the day she has no obligation to you whatsoever to stick this relationship out till the end of her natural days.

 

Its only natural that you are going to miss her, but at the same time you need to quit writing all these letters and hooking up with her, as it is only going to create false hope. She is fully aware of your feelings towards her, and I don't think you telling her again and again is going to make the slightest bit of difference.

 

The only best friend that you should be relying on at this present moment in time is yourself,and you should start treating yourself accordingly.

Once she realises that you are getting on with things, you'll never know she'll probably have a change of heart.