6.5 Years Thrown Away

[jaycie724]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post and I just joined the community a little while ago. I'm hoping that one or more of you might be able to help me out a little bit.

 

I'm in a situation where I met Doug 6.5 years ago on our first day of college. We had both just turned 18. We started dating and had been together ever since. A year and a half ago he moved 10 hours away from his family and home to come with me as I began grad school. He proposed to me last Feb. I waited to work on wedding plans until I was further along in school and he and I planned on a long engagement.

 

This February, we celebrated our 1 year anniversary of our engagement and two days later I learned that he "had feelings" for a coworker who had feelings for him as well. This girl is a cashier at a retail store where he works as a dept manager. She is 5 years younger than him (20 to his 25yrs) and has a 1.5 yr old baby. This girl is engaged (as was Doug) and the man that she was engaged to was not her child's father. She has only a high school education and retail was her only source of income.

 

After Doug told me about his feelings for her he told me that they kissed and he never meant for it to happen, but he promised me over and over that they didn't sleep together. Stupidly, I believed him. We began couples counseling at the local university where he tells me in counseling that he was sexually abused when he was younger and he's tried to kill himself twice. Through the counseling he's made it clear that he only feels "safe" when he's alone and that he wanted to live on his own for a while (we're living together and have been for 3 years). A week ago he broke up with me. I had my master's defense this past friday (yeah, he broke up with me a week before I defended for my degree. nice huh?)

 

Well, today, I found a receipt on top of his nightstand (he's still living with me) by accident and it was for two people to play mini golf. I looked at the time on the receipt and I noticed that he told me he was at a friend's house painting that night. I checked my text messages and he had texted me that he was painting ten minutes before he paid for the mini golf. I later on checked his back account and learned that he also went to a nice italian place in town too. So I, of course, get upset and check his nightstand drawer where I find a note in the front of the drawer, right out in the open. It was from the other girl talking about two nights they had spent together (nights that Doug had told me he was spending some time on his own to come to terms with his abused background) they had sex those nights and spend the entire nights together. They also have sex in the bathroom against the wall at the store where they work together. At least, that's what the letter said.

 

He and I broke up but still live together at least until I can kick him out or he leaves on his own. There are many financial problems. Anyway...

 

I think that he's been lying about the abuse. He's proven himself to be a compulsive liar. I know that he was lying about being alone and that he always lies to me. He's even quit taking care of his dog (a 9 yr old dog thats been with him for over 8 years). Apparently he's only thinking with his penis.

 

In the time since I found out about his feelings for this other girl (early feb) to now, he's torn down my confidence (even told me that it was my fault for being fat), treated me horribly, lied over and over. He even said he wants this to be a sabbatical and we can get together in 6 months and see if we want to try again. He still tells me he loves me but I dont think he loves anyone but himself.

 

I know that he and I will never be together again. He's hurt me too badly and I don't deserve that. I know it. I just...I miss what we used to have. I miss having someone. He was my first and only big relationship. I'm so scared of being alone, of dating, of putting myself out there. I'm in so much pain right now. It's like there's this tight pressure in my chest that just won't go away. I've been told that time helps that, and I know it's true. But I just don't know how to cope with all of this. How do I get past this? How do I find me? How do I learn how to like myself without having a man? How do I learn how to get past this and become independent?

 

Any kind words or advice would be appreciated so much. I'm so lonely right now.

 

Thank you,

 

Jaycie

[tikigods]

First if you can't live alone, you can start looking for other roommates right now and when you can find one that works with you then get him out of there. Having him living with you still and doing all that hes doing isn't going to help you heal at all. Till you can get him out I would cut off all contact with him (though take care of the poor dog ) so that he is very much out of sight out of mind, it takes a man with no real tact to date another girl while still living with one.

 

Other then that I can only say that time does heal, and itshard to be on your own again when you ahve been with someone for so long, but you can look at it this way, you are getting to start your life over at a prime age to be doing so. Right now is a great time to find out who you are without having a relationship and growing as a person.

[ruby_gloom]

Hi jaycie,

 

You seem to have written a very emotional and sincere post. It sounds like there are some really deep questions running through your mind right now, but, unfortunately, I don't know if anyone can answer any/all of them for you.

 

One thing I have to ask about it this, though:

 

So I, of course, get upset and check his nightstand drawer where I find a note in the front of the drawer, right out in the open. It was from the other girl talking about two nights they had spent together (nights that Doug had told me he was spending some time on his own to come to terms with his abused background) they had sex those nights and spend the entire nights together. They also have sex in the bathroom against the wall at the store where they work together. At least, that's what the letter said.

 

Why would he leave something so out in the open? I understand that it was his drawer, but it still seems to casual a thing to do for someone who has been lying to cover up foul behavior.

 

It seems to me that, if you're having an affair or are just simply lying about things to someone else, you are probably going to try to cover yourself up so as not to be found out. It also seems like he was trying to do so, with the exception of leaving such a graphic letter laying ontop of the things in his drawer.

 

Also, a letter like that seems so scandalous to me. Just too sketchy, I think.

 

Hmm.

 

I know that he and I will never be together again. He's hurt me too badly and I don't deserve that. I know it. I just...I miss what we used to have. I miss having someone. He was my first and only big relationship. I'm so scared of being alone, of dating, of putting myself out there. I'm in so much pain right now. It's like there's this tight pressure in my chest that just won't go away. I've been told that time helps that, and I know it's true. But I just don't know how to cope with all of this. How do I get past this? How do I find me? How do I learn how to like myself without having a man? How do I learn how to get past this and become independent?

 

 

I can relate to just about everything you've just said here, jaycie. I also wonder about these things and yearn for these questions to be answered. But you know what? Sometimes I wonder that what if you did know the answers to all of these questions? Would that necessarily make you feel better? Maybe the answers would give you some type of momentary comfort, but would they really aid you in relieving you from all the pain of heartache?

 

I don't think so.

 

But then again, this isn't helpful, either, is it?

 

Anyway . . .

 

For starters, I think it's good that you realize that you did not deserve the pain that you are feeling. Often times, a lot of people, in their desperation, will begin to place almost all of the blame on themselves, thinking, "Oh, if only I had/hadn't . . ." done this or that, making themselves out to be the culprits of the downfall of the relationship, while putting the other person on a pedestal where they did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

IMO, people tend to do this because if they begin to blame themselves, then they feel that if they are able to "fix themselves" by not doing this or that, then their relationship can have another go.

 

This type of thinking is self-defeating, imo, and it just tends to prolong the suffering on the basis of illusions one is creating by oneself.

 

It's surprising to see how many people are stuck thinking this way, but I suppose that is because it's a type of a coping mechanism--one that I was guilty (and maybe still am) of doing.

 

But you see, there is also another flawed form of thinking that states that as soon as you realize you don't deserve that and that you will be all right in time and that you are going to find someone else, you will automaticall feel all better again--that your broken heart will be mended.

 

While all of these things may be true, it doesn't mean that all of your pain will go away upon realizing them, imo.

 

That's why I think that the hardest part of getting over a relationship/person is not in being able to know all of these things, but to actually be able to feel them.

 

And for that, only time will do. How much time, however, depends solely on you and your feelings for what you had, what you have, and what you want to have, and how strong those feelings were, of course.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to think about dating right now because that's just another pressure that you don't need right now. Dating can be difficult and it can make you feel down about yourself and people in general. Add that to an already sad heart, and well . . . I don't think that's what you need right now.

 

Yes, you are going to be sad--it's completely normal. I suggest that when you do feel sad or emotional over what happened, that you don't try to bottle it up: just accept and express what you're feeling, and you should feel better afterwards.

 

And as cliche as it may sound, right now you need to focus just on yourself. You ask how to find yourself and well, I think that it's a bad sign if any relationship makes you lose sight of yourself and who you really are as an individual, so you should focus on this.

 

I'm sure you know who you are more than anyone else. That you needs to be taken care of right now because it is hurting. When in a relationship that is extremely close, often times we get used to having someone else nurture that part of us, or helping us do so, that has been hurt. Thus, when that person is gone, we often feel like they left "with a part of us."

 

Now that you are "alone", you have to nurture your own self, and that can prove to be rather difficult, just like anything else that you do which you were used to doing with someone else.

 

But you know what? It's okay. It's okay because, no matter how much it may hurt right now, you have to keep in mind that wounds do heal; no matter how deep and painful they may be in the begining, through time and care, they will heal and eventually close up and disappear--and only the memory of it will be there, if you want to recall it. But just as importantly, you have to remember that you have to take care of it because if you don't, it'll turn into something nasty . . . and you don't want to be nasty, right?

 

Take care of yourself right now like you would of the person you love the most (which, in theory, should be you, anyway). It's the only way to come out of this with a on your face.

 

(And hey, once you figure out the answers to those questions, let me know what they are, okay?)

[Icantletgo]

I can't even bring myself to say "i feel your pain". After almost 7 years together and being engaged this man treats you this way???

 

What the hell is wrong with him?? And with someone so young with no goals???

 

You are probably in shock right now. You are probably thinking of what you both use to do right now.

 

I did that with my break up when i found out my ex had been sleeping with someone behind my back for the past 6 months.

 

But you have to be strong. This pain is going to last a long time but you have to find a new place to live. Seeing him and his lies daily is going to KILL YOU. This experience can either make you weak or make you stronger. Choose to be strong. Choose to be better than him.

 

Good luck.

[What?]

Jaycie,

 

My heart bleeds for you. You have made the right decision to lose this guy. Be glad you didn't marry him. What a piece of poop. I'm the guy on the other end of a similar situation. Though the LTR I had was only 4 years, I felt every bit of pain you are feeling now. I was nothing but good to her and there was her cheating and breaking up with me. After I forgave her!?! WTF?

 

Anyhow, I was soured on women for 5 years after that, didn't trust them. Still don't really, but knowing there are nice girls out there like you gives some of us hope that this world isn't as bad as we preceive.

 

I won't lie, it is going to take some serious time to heal after this. No matter how nice the next guy is, you will have problems trusting. You must be completely over this before you can move on. You must also be ready to try and trust again, but will have more knowledge in warning signs the next time you feel it is right. Take the time to assess your feelings and what you want. Then go after it! Good luck and God bless. Things will get better!

[Cossette4]

I'm really sorry

 

I'm going through something similar....5 year relationship...he breaks up with me and two weeks later he's living with some skanky high school dropout girl.

 

We don't understand it because we are these intelligent, motivated, driven women and these guys replace us with total loser skanks.

 

I don't even know what to say because I am just so saddened by seeing someone do this to yet another person. Why are people like this? How can they hurt people they've been with so long in such a cruel and heartless way? Will they ever get what they deserve?

 

You will get through it though. There are days where you'll feel like you can't but you will. I'm going on 8 months now. Still really hard, but I will make it through.

[Tezza115]

Hi Jaycie,

 

I am going through the same thing as you are now, we met first year in college and were together for almost 8 years, until I went away overseas and he cheated on me. Now in less than 2 months they are already engaged. This is the guy who I thought that I was going to end up marrying so those dreams are shattered for me.

 

Look I know that it is hard but it is better that you found out who the "real him" was before you even got married and had kids. Let him have her, your better than her and you know it, and you can find a better man out there that will love you 10x more that won't lie or cheat on you.

 

Good Luck,

 

Tezza

[KarmaBytes]

How crushing it feels i shudder to think of that pain, betrayal. You are a strong person to go through this and still live with him. I know it's because of financial reasons, but don't you wish you could set his car on fire? After, you keyed it certain choice words on it... I am so sorry this happenned to you... i joined this community last night too, and from reading your post, i feel you are such a warm, giving person, with so much love to share. Chocolate, Talking, and Time will help you heal... we're here for you...

 

 

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post and I just joined the community a little while ago. I'm hoping that one or more of you might be able to help me out a little bit.

 

I'm in a situation where I met Doug 6.5 years ago on our first day of college. We had both just turned 18. We started dating and had been together ever since. A year and a half ago he moved 10 hours away from his family and home to come with me as I began grad school. He proposed to me last Feb. I waited to work on wedding plans until I was further along in school and he and I planned on a long engagement.

 

This February, we celebrated our 1 year anniversary of our engagement and two days later I learned that he "had feelings" for a coworker who had feelings for him as well. This girl is a cashier at a retail store where he works as a dept manager. She is 5 years younger than him (20 to his 25yrs) and has a 1.5 yr old baby. This girl is engaged (as was Doug) and the man that she was engaged to was not her child's father. She has only a high school education and retail was her only source of income.

 

After Doug told me about his feelings for her he told me that they kissed and he never meant for it to happen, but he promised me over and over that they didn't sleep together. Stupidly, I believed him. We began couples counseling at the local university where he tells me in counseling that he was sexually abused when he was younger and he's tried to kill himself twice. Through the counseling he's made it clear that he only feels "safe" when he's alone and that he wanted to live on his own for a while (we're living together and have been for 3 years). A week ago he broke up with me. I had my master's defense this past friday (yeah, he broke up with me a week before I defended for my degree. nice huh?)

 

Well, today, I found a receipt on top of his nightstand (he's still living with me) by accident and it was for two people to play mini golf. I looked at the time on the receipt and I noticed that he told me he was at a friend's house painting that night. I checked my text messages and he had texted me that he was painting ten minutes before he paid for the mini golf. I later on checked his back account and learned that he also went to a nice italian place in town too. So I, of course, get upset and check his nightstand drawer where I find a note in the front of the drawer, right out in the open. It was from the other girl talking about two nights they had spent together (nights that Doug had told me he was spending some time on his own to come to terms with his abused background) they had sex those nights and spend the entire nights together. They also have sex in the bathroom against the wall at the store where they work together. At least, that's what the letter said.

 

He and I broke up but still live together at least until I can kick him out or he leaves on his own. There are many financial problems. Anyway...

 

I think that he's been lying about the abuse. He's proven himself to be a compulsive liar. I know that he was lying about being alone and that he always lies to me. He's even quit taking care of his dog (a 9 yr old dog thats been with him for over 8 years). Apparently he's only thinking with his penis.

 

In the time since I found out about his feelings for this other girl (early feb) to now, he's torn down my confidence (even told me that it was my fault for being fat), treated me horribly, lied over and over. He even said he wants this to be a sabbatical and we can get together in 6 months and see if we want to try again. He still tells me he loves me but I dont think he loves anyone but himself.

 

I know that he and I will never be together again. He's hurt me too badly and I don't deserve that. I know it. I just...I miss what we used to have. I miss having someone. He was my first and only big relationship. I'm so scared of being alone, of dating, of putting myself out there. I'm in so much pain right now. It's like there's this tight pressure in my chest that just won't go away. I've been told that time helps that, and I know it's true. But I just don't know how to cope with all of this. How do I get past this? How do I find me? How do I learn how to like myself without having a man? How do I learn how to get past this and become independent?

 

Any kind words or advice would be appreciated so much. I'm so lonely right now.

 

Thank you,

 

Jaycie

[jaycie724]

Thank you, everyone, for leaving me such kind and heartfelt messages. You've all encouraged me to stay strong - or at least as strong as I can, considering. I thank you from the bottom of my tattered and halfway broken heart for that.

 

I've recently received another blow. I've just learned that he's moving in with her when he moves out. I'm not sure, honestly, why that bothers me. I know they won't last - he's not ready to be a daddy and support a little girl and her baby. He can't even take care of himself. But it still hurts. It hurts even more that he won't even admit it. After 6.5 years, don't I deserve the respect of the truth, even if it is just one sentence? Even worse, he's looking at all of the apartments on my list. I only hope that I find out where he moves to before I sign a lease somewhere. *fingers crossed*

 

In response to my first post, I feel that the only thing I can do from this point forward is focus on myself. I have good friends who are bending over backwards for me, I just found a church with bible study groups for young people, I'm seeing a counselor (two actually - a christian counselor and a licensed counselor), and I'm trying really hard to just focus on my new career. I want to take some professional development classes, I want to volunteer with habitat for humanity. I'm going to try to do all of the things I've been wanting to do. It's just those times when I'm not busy doing something else that I think about all of this and wonder "why me?" You all are right...I *must* learn how to be happy and that will come through realizing that I'm loved and accepted and cared about by so many absolutely incredible people.

 

Its just so hard. I've been reading that note over and over again just to stay mad because I've found that staying mad is the easiest way for me to cope. But the mad can't last forever, I have to move past this and I have to learn how to forgive or else it will just eat at me and then he will have won. Right?

 

But even as I sit down and think about all of the positives, the little devil on my shoulder keeps reminding me that he's giving me up to live with her. Even worse, she's got such a "sexually active" history (is that a politically correct way to call someone a slut?) and hes slept with me in the 2 months he's slept with her. I went and got myself tested for AIDS and STDs this morning. I'm saying lots of prayers that my tests come back clean. I'm so scared.

 

I'm not even sure what, if anything, I'd like to ask you all to respond to. Mostly, I just wanted to thank you all so much for being so welcoming and supportive (then I just started rambling, which is pretty therapeutic for me). I'm *SO* happy that I stumbled across this website...it's great and you all are wonderful

[Cossette4]

I've recently received another blow. I've just learned that he's moving in with her when he moves out. I'm not sure, honestly, why that bothers me. I know they won't last - he's not ready to be a daddy and support a little girl and her baby. He can't even take care of himself. But it still hurts.

 

Oh I remember the day I received that blow. I had only heard that my ex was seeing another girl immediately after our breakup, so I assumed it was the typical casual dating kind of deal.

 

But then he tells me, "No most of my stuff is over at her apartment now...we live together." And I was like, "Um don't you think that's a little weird to move in with someone you've been dating for 2 weeks?" "No."

 

It's just too insane to even fathom, especially considering we never even lived together!!

 

But even as I sit down and think about all of the positives, the little devil on my shoulder keeps reminding me that he's giving me up to live with her. Even worse, she's got such a "sexually active" history (is that a politically correct way to call someone a slut?)

 

Makes no sense, I know. Why would someone want to be with a skanky trailer trash slut when they had someone who had respect for themselves and a clean history? I haven't figured it out yet.

 

My ex and I were together for 5 years and never had sex because I wanted to wait. He completely respected this and was so cool about it for 5 years....and then he leaves me for a bisexual who has a website where she posts naked pictures of herself wrapped in duct tape and bubble wrap and writes things like, "Mmm...I love to look at hot girls at the mall....I really like strip clubs...Ask me about my 10 piercings and 3 tattoos...I really want to be a nurse because the uniform is sexy...." It's absolutely sickening and unbelievable.

 

Seriously though, the day will come when this will just be a sad pathetic story in the back of our minds, because we'll be way too happy with our new lives to care about it much. And we'll find out some day that our exes are miserable with these nasty people and they'll deserve every drop of that misery!

[alphamale]

tsk tsk tsk...what a terrible story

[NEWDAY]

You are so lucky to have discovered what he really was. Granted, you have a significant amount of time and emotional investment in what you thought was going to be your future, and you will have to spend some time in mourning for the death of those plans and dreams. When some time has passed and you get better perspective, you'll see things more clearly.

 

He is making really poor choices, but it's his life. He may or may not figure things out. Some guys never stop leading penis-driven lives, and they feel most comfortable with young, inexperienced and needy women who tend to pump up their ego. So get on with your life and don't get into any more relationships until you are comfortable and confident on your own. He treated you poorly and you need recovery time right now, after which you'll feel better.

[jaycie724]

How do you get rid of that big knot in the center of your chest and the racing heart? Seriously, this whole thing is making me so anxious and sick and I just can't stop it.

 

help!

 

jaycie

[ruby_gloom]

Whiskey makes it go away.

[stace79]

This is one of the best things you can do...

 

I started working with my dog at local hospitals doing "pet therapy" where we visit sick kids and the elderly. Seeing my dog bring so much joy to young kids who are stuck in a stinky hospital for weeks or months makes my heart feel stronger. Like who am I to be upset about my stupid relationship BS when these kids are fighting to live and to maintain some semblance of health?? I also volunteered with Habitat for Humanity in New Orleans...that was an awesome experience. And hard work or work that requires you to talk with others keeps your mind off your pain, for the most part. Best of luck.

 

I want to take some professional development classes, I want to volunteer with habitat for humanity. I'm going to try to do all of the things I've been wanting to do. It's just those times when I'm not busy doing something else that I think about all of this and wonder "why me?" You all are right...I *must* learn how to be happy and that will come through realizing that I'm loved and accepted and cared about by so many absolutely incredible people.

[JCD]

That sick knot in your stomach will pass with time. I know, it's unbearable now. Try to focus on something else, anything. Try to talk to friends or a priest about this. What worked for me was getting myself involved with another relationship. That took my mind off of her despite the fact that I didn't felt like going into another relationship and had to force myself into it.

[jaycie724]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement. I have a feeling that I'm going to need a whole lot more in the weeks ahead. I'm so happy to have you all helping me through this.

 

Jaycie