Guys: 'i knew you would get mad' excuse.

[Spoonandfork22]

General question: When guys use the excuse 'I didn't tell you because I knew you would get mad/act irrational/blow things out of proportion' excuse, should women consider that valid?

 

 

 

can it be that guys really DO want to avoid a big blow-out argument with their gf, so they take this route...or are all men inevitably hiding something?

[VirtualInsanity]

General question: When guys use the excuse 'I didn't tell you because I knew you would get mad/act irrational/blow things out of proportion' excuse, should women consider that valid?

 

Yes/no. Depends.

 

Can it be that guys really DO want to avoid a big blow-out argument with their gf, so they take this route...or are all men inevitably hiding something?

 

Again yes/no. Depends.

 

 

Sorry that wasn't helpful.

[Curmudgeon]

Sometimes it's valid. I think quite a few of us become conflict-adverse over time and seek to defuze situations rather than confront, them, deal with them and lay them to rest. It's the "easy" way out but not helpful in the long run.

 

For the record, I was that way in my last marriage which is a part of the reason it ended. I'm not that way now.

 

Then there are those who have something to hide!

[norajane]

can it be that guys really DO want to avoid a big blow-out argument with their gf, so they take this route...or are all men inevitably hiding something?

 

 

Either way, it is controlling, manipulative behavior. He's trying to control your reactions by hiding the truth.

[amerikajin]

General question: When guys use the excuse 'I didn't tell you because I knew you would get mad/act irrational/blow things out of proportion' excuse, should women consider that valid?

 

 

 

can it be that guys really DO want to avoid a big blow-out argument with their gf, so they take this route...or are all men inevitably hiding something?

 

I think it depends on the nature of the offense.

 

"I didn't tell you about the night I went to a strip club and got a lap dance" because I knew you'd get upset (because he'd already promised he wouldn't do such a thing). Understandably, you'd be upset -- and you'd have every reason to be. He's intentionally concealing the truth because of the fact that he's hiding a more profound truth.

 

But I remember one time an ex of mine had been getting into arguments over a previous ex. She insisted that I stop talking to her, and I eventually did when it became clear that this ex was trying to rekindle the old flame. I had already stopped initiating contact but she would occasionally contact me.

 

So anyway, long story short, she tried to contact me again a few months after I'd already told her I didn't want to communicate with her. She sent me an email, to which I did not reply. I just let it go and didn't tell my girlfriend at the time because I thought there was no point: it would only make her upset and I figured if I just let it go, no problem.

 

So out of the blue one night, she asked me "Has she tried to contact you recently". Knowing how worked up she got over her on previous occasions, I really did not want to tell her the truth - but I did. I told her the truth - 100 percent of it. She had contacted me and I didn't respond, and she didn't contact me after that.

 

Well, predictably, she spazzed out. She didn't hear the part about how I didn't respond to it, or that she had only contacted me once in the last six freaking months; she heard that she had contacted me and that caused one of the biggest blowout fights I can remember.

 

We kissed and made up but I came away from that experience a changed man. I learned that, contrary to popular opinion, honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes you have to lie and tell your girlfriend she looks good right before you're ready to go to a club; and sometimes, you have to keep your mouth shut about shyte that's going to make her spazz out. You see, men can handle the truth; women can't. Women let their insecurities get the best of them too much. That is why smart guys have learned that there are a few situations when maybe it's better to just tell a little lie, provided it's not concealing a more important truth in the relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, next time I sleep with someone else, I won't tell the guy I have an exclusive relationship with about it because I think he may get a tad emotional about it. I know he couldn't be calm because he disagrees with this type of interaction. This should help to avoid any untoward conflicts within our relationship.

[amerikajin]

Okay, next time I sleep with someone else, I won't tell the guy I have an exclusive relationship with about it because I think he may get a tad emotional about it. I know he couldn't be calm because he disagrees with this type of interaction. This should help to avoid any untoward conflicts within our relationship.

 

Re-read what I said.

 

In that situation, you'd be concealing a larger truth that the other person should know about -- I don't agree with lying in that situation.

[Trialbyfire]

Re-read what I said.

 

In that situation, you'd be concealing a larger truth that the other person should know about -- I don't agree with lying in that situation.

I did reread it and came to a similar conclusion. Women can handle the truth but it depends on the way you present it. No different from how we as women also review how we should tell you guys about certain things.

 

My personal opinion would be that I would have sent the email to your existing g/f with the bold response that said. I did not reply to this email and won't ever do so. I wanted you to see this so we could have full disclosure. Feel free to respond to my ex if you want to.

 

I can guarantee that your g/f would not have gone off the deep end except with your ex...

[Spoonandfork22]

my current ex and i are still in contact, he still has lingering feelings although we broke up over 2 years ago. i have a bf who i am in love with and i would never risk that for my ex. my bf knows that, but is still sometimes uncomfortable if he knows i happened to hang out with the ex (whih only happens about once a month). most of the time i tell my bf if we hang out but there are times i just dont. #1 because i know in my heart nothing is there and #2 i dont want an issue to be created out of nothing.

 

 

so i guess i do it too. my current bf still works with his past lover and didnt tell me that she told him she still had feelings for her. as i did, he said that it didnt matter to him, and he didnt want to create an issue knowing i would have created a LARGE issue. well the one time he told me that she called him drunk saying how much she missed him, i flipped out. i know that was my fault, and i understand now why guys might omit things to avoid that situation.

 

someone posted above, girls let their insecurities rule. i believe that to be true.

[amerikajin]

I did reread it and came to a similar conclusion. Women can handle the truth but it depends on the way you present it. No different from how we as women also review how we should tell you guys about certain things.

 

My personal opinion would be that I would have sent the email to your existing g/f with the bold response that said. I did not reply to this email and won't ever do so. I wanted you to see this so we could have full disclosure. Feel free to respond to my ex if you want to.

 

I can guarantee that your g/f would not have gone off the deep end except with your ex...

 

I admit that I could have done that. But knowing both the way I do, I certainly would make no such guarantee. I had been completely honest with her before about the times when she had called and e-mailed. Up to that point, I had mentioned when she called - not so much to make it a point but I mentioned it almost casually in the course of a conversation.

 

Sorry, but men out there know this shyte from my perspective as a man. Women are sometimes outrageously insecure and blow things well the hell out of proportion. Even objective women have to admit this much. Sorry, toots, but your insecurities get the better of your gender, and you know it.

[Trialbyfire]

I admit that I could have done that. But knowing both the way I do, I certainly would make no such guarantee. I had been completely honest with her before about the times when she had called and e-mailed. Up to that point, I had mentioned when she called - not so much to make it a point but I mentioned it almost casually in the course of a conversation.

 

Sorry, but men out there know this shyte from my perspective as a man. Women are sometimes outrageously insecure and blow things well the hell out of proportion. Even objective women have to admit this much. Sorry, toots, but your insecurities get the better of your gender, and you know it.

The disclosure part is important but the ability to respond to your ex was key. It empowered your current g/f against the shadowy ex and would allow her to take the offensive instead of always reacting from a position of defense.

 

I will admit that there are hysterical women out there but most women, if properly approached, fall somewhere between hysterical and logical. On the flip side, there are some guys who are so pumped up on testosterone that they feel they have the right to make the decisions for the little woman....

[bridget_jones]

Eh, amerikajan's girlfriend clearly overreacted, though, Trialbyfire. She wouldn't even let him explain. She just sounds like a b**ch who has to get upset over something stupid. So he has a point, sometimes pure honestly isn't always the best policy.

[bridget_jones]

I did reread it and came to a similar conclusion. Women can handle the truth but it depends on the way you present it. No different from how we as women also review how we should tell you guys about certain things.

 

My personal opinion would be that I would have sent the email to your existing g/f with the bold response that said. I did not reply to this email and won't ever do so. I wanted you to see this so we could have full disclosure. Feel free to respond to my ex if you want to.

 

I can guarantee that your g/f would not have gone off the deep end except with your ex...

 

That would be ridiculous and extreme. Personally an ex sending him an email doesn't put the guy at any obligation to do anything. I personally couldn't handle being in a relationship with a guy who would fly off the handle just because I emailed or received emails from an exboyfriend. What's wrong with a friendly email once in a while? In americajan's case, he is not at fault for ANYTHING and doesn't owe her an apology or an explanation just because his exgirlfriend wrote him one freaking email. His current girlfriend is the one with the problem because she lets herself get upset and interrogates her boyfriend for something stupid. But I have noticed a lot of your advice, Trialbyfire, focuses on blaming the guy no matter what.

The easiest way to get dumped by a guy is to fly off the handle and be needy and jealous and insecure like americajan's girlfriend over an email. That is definitely her problem, not his.

[Trialbyfire]

erik, you lucky bastard...

[bridget_jones]

What's Erik got to do with anything?

If I were in a relationship where i had to worry if my ex sent me an email every six months and how my current bf was going to react to it, the relationship would be very exhausting, I don't have time to be forwarding emails to my bf to let him know that my ex emailed, talk about high maintenance and exhausting, all in the name of avoiding a blowout with my SO. I couldn't deal with a mate who was that insecure and I hate yelling and screaming and flying off the handle. Thank God none of my relationships have been about that.

I guess when I've been in relationships, I don't recall it all being about preventative maintenance like that, it just worked, there wasn't jealousy, insecurities, just happiness being with each other....hmmm.

[Woggle]

In many cases it is a valid reason but I would just dump her instead of lying. Why be with a woman if you have to walk on eggshells to avoid an argument?

[amerikajin]

What's Erik got to do with anything?

If I were in a relationship where i had to worry if my ex sent me an email every six months and how my current bf was going to react to it, the relationship would be very exhausting, I don't have time to be forwarding emails to my bf to let him know that my ex emailed, talk about high maintenance and exhausting, all in the name of avoiding a blowout with my SO. I couldn't deal with a mate who was that insecure and I hate yelling and screaming and flying off the handle. Thank God none of my relationships have been about that.

I guess when I've been in relationships, I don't recall it all being about preventative maintenance like that, it just worked, there wasn't jealousy, insecurities, just happiness being with each other....hmmm.

 

YES!!!

 

That's exactly how I felt.

 

What I didn't mention was that she started getting this way about not just this one ex, but she became jealous about other ex's as well. I remember one time she and I were having dinner with a group of my friends. I had dated another x of mine, who was now dating a friend of mine. By this point my friend and my ex had been dating for over a year. My ex wasn't at the dinner table, but she came up in the conversation and my girlfriend (now ex) started insulting her - right in front of my friend no less.

 

So I said "Hey, calm down" I was nice about it but I felt extremely awkward and later apologized to my friend on her behalf.

 

It gets better.

 

She then starts bytching at me for "taking her side", so we get into another blowout.

 

It got so bad she once asked me if I wanted to sleep with my former secretary - who was already married; who lived 1000 miles away. I had even moved in to live with her by this point. She was consumed with insecurity and jealousy.

 

No, this wasn't going to work out. It was among the reasons we eventually broke up months later. I came to see her as manipulative and controlling. And as bridget pointed out, it was very exhausting. You should give your partner the benefit of the doubt unless they have given you reasonable cause to doubt them.

[bridget_jones]

Trialbyfire, would you like to respond to Amerikajin now? Was it his fault in the way he approached the situation or was his exgirlfriend a bit irrational? And I caught the Erik joke. Whenever someone outreasons you, you take a potshot at them.

[Erik]

Rudolf Steiner said that free men don't lie. What he meant was that there is no reason to lie unless there is an external impulse do so. If women really could handle the truth, men would not feel need to lie. In other words, it take two to lie: one to ask for the lie and one to serve it.

 

It is worth noting, that Steiner did not believe that any man was free at all times. Sometimes, there are external factors that limits our freedom to speak truth, and that lying was not bad per se, just a sign that you lived in a society where you did not control all externalities.

 

So there is a very easy way to be honest with your wife, pretend you are a free man, that your wife matters not one whit to you: say it like it is, and if that does not please her, consider yourself perfectly entitled to say "Shut the **** up b*tch", and tell her to remover herself from your presence. It is easy, because for some unfathomable reason, that kind of behaviour pleases women. You don't like to hear it girls, but it's the truth.

[a4a]

Rudolf Steiner said that free men don't lie. What he meant was that there is no reason to lie unless there is an external impulse do so. If women really could handle the truth, men would not feel need to lie. In other words, it take two to lie: one to ask for the lie and one to serve it.

 

It is worth noting, that Steiner did not believe that any man was free at all times. Sometimes, there are external factors that limits our freedom to speak truth, and that lying was not bad per se, just a sign that you lived in a society where you did not control all externalities.

 

So there is a very easy way to be honest with your wife, pretend you are a free man, that your wife matters not one whit to you: say it like it is, and if that does not please her, consider yourself perfectly entitled to say "Shut the **** up b*tch", and tell her to remover herself from your presence. It is easy, because for some unfathomable reason, that kind of behaviour pleases women. You don't like to hear it girls, but it's the truth.

 

 

and you are single because ????????????? :lmao: :lmao:

you really don't live by this do you?

[Erik]

E.g.:

 

"Yesterday night? I was with the guys on a strip club, that why I've got lipstick all over my face."

 

"!!!!!"

 

"You asked, I told you, so shut the f*ck up and leave me alone"

 

"!!!!!"

 

"Shut up or file for divorce. Now, get me a beer!"

[Erik]

No, no men are entirely free, I am using the broad brush.

 

And yes, I am a single at present but I have a total of 20 years of cohabitation with three different women. Some of them could handle truth, I told them. Some of them could not, I didn't tell her.

 

And yes, you didn't ask, but women DO like to be treated like that.

[Woggle]

Erik is telling the truth. I don't hold anything back with women and it actually works. The woman in my life knows that I will always honor our vows but besides that I come and go as I please and if she doesn't like that she can look elsewhere.

[a4a]

No, no men are entirely free, I am using the broad brush.

 

And yes, I am a single at present but I have a total of 20 years of cohabitation with three different women. Some of them could handle truth, I told them. Some of them could not, I didn't tell her.

 

And yes, you didn't ask, but women DO like to be treated like that.

 

Not this one....... I have a roll of duct tape, tarp, and shovel for any man that would dare to treat me that way. :lmao:

 

Maybe women with really bad self esteem like it. Of course a man that treats a woman like that would be looking for that type of woman.

 

Ah I will go out on a limb and I will declare that sort of treatment as abusive.

Women do not like to be abused...... interesting hint about your character if you truly do believe women WANT to be treated that way.

[a4a]

Erik is telling the truth. I don't hold anything back with women and it actually works. The woman in my life knows that I will always honor our vows but besides that I come and go as I please and if she doesn't like that she can look elsewhere.

 

Woggle I got a sneaking feeling that if you treated your wife like that she would kick your ass. :lmao:

 

I double dare you to tell her that this evening and see how she responds.

 

Lots of posturing with you Woggle....... lots of it.