Might have to end my first real relationship

[Void]

Okay, I dont know what to do. Or rather, I think I do, but I'm not sure if what I'm going to do is right.

 

I am currently involved in the longest running relationship of my adult life. I am 25 years old, and I have been with my partner for two and a half years.

 

We both love each other very much, and we are good to each other, but there are some issues that keep arising and dont seem to be going away. She does not trust me, at all. She has become quite jealous over the last half of a year (which seems to be coinciding with about the time she stopped working, so she is dependent on me now).

 

She also seems to have developed very low self esteem, I try to do my best to encourage her and give her support, but it doesnt seem to help. Anyway, we spend alot of time arguing lately about me flirting with other women, or about me potentially cheating on her. None of it has any basis in reality, so its really hard for me to deal with. It is wasting alot of my time, that I really need right now. I'm working full time as a developer and going to school full time. I wouldnt be surprised if I was spending 20 hours a week dealing with her insecurities.

 

All that said, I love her. I would love to spend my life with her. But she has as much as told me that she will never be able to trust me, as no man can be trusted. She had a rough past, but I dont feel that is my fault.

 

Right now she has agreed to see a counselor (I dont know if that was the right thing to suggest), and we are going to separate our finances. I have said that this is not working for me and we need to try and change it. If we cannot, we need to go our own ways. This all breaks my heart, but I think it must be the right thing to do.

 

Thanks for listening, I appreciate any advice. Should I be trying? Should I have recommended counseling? Am I making a bigger deal out of this than it is?

 

-Eric

[Debster]

Is often rooted in low self-esteem. Loosing your job can play huge havoc on your self-esteem. If she wasn't jealous or insecure before, this might be the underlying reason.

 

I'd try to be as helpful and supportive as possible and encourage her to find work again.

[Gracie]

I was cheat on repeatedly by a very serious boyfriend and it has affected my new relationship quite a bit. My boyfriend actually helped me out a lot with that though. He stopped hanging out one-on-one with other girls so that I knew I could trust him. Have you tried giving some things up so she can slowly learn that she can trust you? And I know it might sound stupid, but its nice when a guy can refrain from talking about other girls...how they're hot, etc...just focus on your girl when shes around...it really doesn't matter what you say when she isn't around. I just know what its like to be cheat on and you need to take that into consideration and help her out if you really love her. Change her ideas about men.

[HokeyReligions]

Counseling is a good idea. Especially with a job loss. It's easy to become dependent on someone when one is scared about money and their future.

 

Search for information on Codependency and how to deal with that. Don't take her as the absolute truth that she'll never be able to trust you - she can't predict the future and counseling may help her. You may be asked or want to go to some counseling with her - or even on your own. It's a great learning tool for anyone and it takes two to make or break a relationship.

 

Sounds like you are doing the smart thing in getting the finances straightened out now. As for making a bigger deal out of it than what it is -- well, I look at it as you make it as big a deal as you want -- if it didn't really matter then it would'nt bother/hurt you so much.

[Kat]

Dare I ask why for a year and a half she hasn't had a job?

[CityGyrl]

I understand that she is going through a lot with the loss of her job. It takes time to recover from a big blow like that. But at some point, you have to pick yourself up by the boot straps and get back into reality. Maybe if she started actively looking for a job or getting into a hobby than she wouldn't be at home worrying unnecessarily about what you are doing.

 

I don't know how you can convince someone to trust you when they say they can never trust you. It's basically damned if you do and damned if you don't. She's not going to believe you anyway. All I can say is to continue to support her and reassure her as best as you can. But you must decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in where accusations are constantly being thrown at you.

 

I think counseling will be good for the both of you to get at the real root of this problem. Because it's only going to get worse. Trust is the backbone of any relationship, and once it has been called into question than there are going to be serious problems if it is not properly addressed.