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Your boyfriend/ girlfriend wants to continue to see ex partners just as friends?

samantharichards

By samantharichards
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samantharichards New Member

samantharichards

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So this is my question.....how comfortable are you if you are in a commited relationship and your partner wants to be free to have lunches, intimate talks with his ( or her)ex partner?

would this bother any of you?

thanks!

Citizen Erased Established Member

Citizen Erased

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It really depends. If they were going for lunch every day, going out at night leaving me by myself then sure I'd be annoyed, but not at the fact that it's his ex, but that he doesn't put me as a priority. Fact is they are ex's for a reason.

 

I would love to be able to talk to my last boyfriend, I really regret our friendship, but I know he dislikes my boyfriend and that he wants more then friendship from me, I know where to draw the line. If you think your bf/gf doesn't know where the line ends then you need to take a look at your relationship.

a4a Established Member

a4a

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Not a good idea at all.

Erik Established Member

Erik

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A question of culture. Over here, while it may not exactly be the norm, it's not that unusual. I regularly have dinner with my ex-wife and her new husband, my ex sometimes babysit for my GF and vice versa.

 

Doesn't always work like that, though. I wouldn't let my first wife anywhere near my life; not that she's a bitch, but our relationship was different, very much about sex. Would trust neither her nor myself.

bubbalump Member

bubbalump

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My last gf had a good relationship with one of her exes. They were more like brother and sister than anything.

 

They talked a couple times a year and i met him a few times at big get togethers. I actually really enjoyed hanging out with him and saw him as no threat to my relationship with my Ex.

norajane Established Member

norajane

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Frequent lunches, intimate talks, no.

Guest

Guest

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I agree with NJ. Intimate talks are a no-no.

Miss_Bee Established Member

Miss_Bee

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Very bad idea, especially if his/her relationship with that person was serious and it has been a short time since they've separated.

LoveLace Established Member

LoveLace

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A lunch here and there...I could probably grow to be ok with it...but intimate conversation? huh?

 

I would be jealous and I would question the true meaning behind their hanging out.

Sweetie2007 Established Member

Sweetie2007

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Well I'm best friends with one of my ex's, and my BF is with one of his, also. It depends on the relationship, and if you know that you can trust the other person that they are faithful to you.... only you can determine it, myself, I'm very jealous, and until I met his ex, I was mostly not okay with it, but now, I'm totally cool.... it's a personal thing I guess

Miss_Bee Established Member

Miss_Bee

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Sweetie2007, yes i agree, it does depend on the relationship and the circumstances behind the relationship of the current relationship and that of what the relationship was like between the SO and their ex.

 

If the ex and the bf/gf that they were having these convo's and lunches with had cheated on the current bf/gf in the past, then i would say that it would be completely unacceptable, would it not?

 

Or an acceptable situation could be:

 

2 people dating years back for a very short stint of time. They discover that they make better friends than lovers. Or is this still unacceptable?

 

There are many different situations and it's pretty hard to judge without more information on the situation. samantharichards, can you give us more details?

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

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Exes are strange beasts. It's the previous combination of emotional and physical attachment that threatens existing relationships.

 

Who broke up with whom?

Why did they break up?

What is your comfort level?

Is the ex very good looking?

 

Many exes still feel they have a right to interfere in existing relationships due to their determination to hang on, sometimes subconsciously.

 

Overall, if either one of the partners in an existing relationship feel threatened, then it's not a good situation and should be shut down.

Rooster_DAR Established Member

Rooster_DAR

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and if you know that you can trust the other person that they are faithful to you.... only you can determine it, myself, I'm very jealous, and until I met his ex, I was mostly not okay with it, but now, I'm totally cool.... it's a personal thing I guess

 

Being friends with EX's is a bad idea (casual meetings). You can trust someone till the cows come home, but the power of emotions will erase any trust or commitment if the right ingredients are there. I suppose you could remain on friendly terms with an EX, but visiting EX's while you're in a commited relationship is asking for trouble.

 

I don't know how many times I heard a betrayed spouse say "I trusted him/her, I can't believe him/her would do this!"

 

As well as the betrayer saying "I can't believe I could do this, I don't do these kinds of things!".

 

IMO relationships (mainly long term) need to be guarded per say from outside influences of the opposite sex. That's not to say you each has to stay completely away from the opposite sex, but careful boundaries must be drawn and agreements made early in the relationship of what's acceptable by both parties.

 

Just my two cents!

LoveLace Established Member

LoveLace

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I'm a true believer in emotional affairs. 2 people who have fun together, and feel that its ok to do it freely, because they are only talking, or whatever. Most people wouldn't consider this an affair in a different form. They are not considering an affair, therefore they are not having one, so what's to feel guilty about? What I'm doing is perfectly normal and right. It's a friendship. But what if flirting is involved? That would be contraversial...

 

It would bother me depending on the frequency of these meetings. Every few months would probably be the best I could tolerate without wondering about more. Even once a month would start to sound like a lot. So I guess its all about your tolerance, not what others consider to be ok. If you are questioning it, which you are, you must feel that something about it has the potential to become intolerable.

  • 2 weeks later...
Mrjayjay Member

Mrjayjay

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i have tried staying friend with a few ex's and personally, it always led to more hurt and didn't work out.

 

a good friend of mine broke up with his ex and stayed friends and it ended up with him living in a shared house with her and her new bf?! it got too much for him and he had to move. i couldn't have taken 2 seconds of that! an ex from 7 years back contacted me last year and i was friends with her for a bit. i didn't love her anymore when we broke up though. she really wanted to get back with me and i didnt want to so that didnt work out either.

 

i'm usually the one who gets dumped and i am very intense with my emotions so i can't really do friends, is what i've learned. it kills me.

Sweetie2007 Established Member

Sweetie2007

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1: If the ex and the bf/gf that they were having these convo's and lunches with had cheated on the current bf/gf in the past, then i would say that it would be completely unacceptable, would it not?

 

2: Or an acceptable situation could be:

2 people dating years back for a very short stint of time. They discover that they make better friends than lovers. Or is this still unacceptable?

 

1: I TOTALLY agree! If it were like that with my BF and his ex GF, then I would totally not be okay with his friendship with her. The thing is, they see each other maybe twice a month, and only in group settings, becuase they live in seperate towns. Plus, I know he's 100% mine, and she has a BF anyway, so it's cool. I'm glad I got to know her though, or it would really bother me!

2: That's basically how my BF and his ex are, they were dating for a short while, but it just didn't work, they make better friends than gf and bf... he was meant for me! :love: lol

 

 

1: Being friends with EX's is a bad idea. I suppose you could remain on friendly terms with an EX, but visiting EX's while you're in a commited relationship is asking for trouble.

 

2: IMO relationships (mainly long term) need to be guarded per say. That's not to say you each has to stay completely away from the opposite sex, but careful boundaries must be drawn and agreements made early in the relationship of what's acceptable by both parties.

 

Just my two cents!

 

I appreciate your two cents, very thoughtful, even if it doesn't quite agree with mine...

 

1&2: It depends on the situation, and the closeness of the current SO and their ex, IMO! You could be asking for trouble, if the previous relationship was a long term one, which broke off for unsecure reasons, yes, but if the two people are truly over each other, then I think it could be okay. Take me and my ex, we talk daily, about almost everything! He's constantly asking me questions about girls, how they think, exc, and my BF has no problem with it, because he knows that there is nothing between my ex and I, I broke up with my ex for my current, there's no chance of me going back, plus the ex is completely over me, and wouldn't take me back either what. That's a good example of a friendship which is okay, I think. My BF have boundries too...he knows how I feel, and I know how he feels, about every friendship we have with someone of the opposite sex. He's had a few friendships which I questioned, but he explained it, then when we were together I met the girls, or saw how they interacted with each other, I'm okay now. He's less the jealous type, so he was okay with almost every friendship...I wish I could be that convidant.... :)

DOA Member

DOA

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I'm sorry, but I don't exactly think it's appropriate for my boy to be keeping in contact with someone he used to get naked with.

Bree Established Member

Bree

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Not a good idea, been there done that and got cheated on all because i was trying not to be the jealous type

WhiteKnight Established Member

WhiteKnight

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This is the most interesting thread I have to say, so I'm going to contribute my feedback with it ;)

 

So this is my question.....how comfortable are you if you are in a commited relationship and your partner wants to be free to have lunches, intimate talks with his ( or her)ex partner?

would this bother any of you?

thanks!

 

Well in terms of being friends with EX's in general, the concept may sound good but at the same time doesn't sound so good as it varies on the situation here.

 

In terms of getting along with your EX's and including your partner at the same time, this has proven to be something of a difficult nature. It is hard for anyone to get along because there will always be this tension between people and at the same time, you and your current partner would feel violated if any of your ex's would interfere in your life.

 

In terms of being comfortable in a relationship.

 

Well as I have been dating my Chinese gf for almost 11months now, it has been quite a mixture of experiences in our relationship. As I have noticed, both my partner and I did cut all ties with our exes at the end of last year in 2006 because there were some of our ex's really tried to push us apart and we needed to reconcile, comprimise and perhaps talk things through with each other.

 

It was heartbreaking at first because whenever your ex partner (bf or gf) gets all jealous type. They would do anything to hurt you, maybe not physically but mentally where it would test your own loyalties and limitations with each other. However I always find myself in the situation that whenever any of my ex's talk to me, like in a more sexual manner, it gets very very annoying and at the same time very deadly whenever my partner actually see's it happening and me trying to stop that commotion.

 

In the end, you find yourself questioning should you have your ex as a friend and in person as often.

 

Now let me ask you this, if you had one shot of happiness, what would you truly go for? Your ex or moving onto another partner who is willing to give it there all, despite of the past you had that can't be worked out and... would do anything within there own power to give you the happiness you seek?

 

The answer in short - move on from your EX.

 

The truth is, what would bother me is that there will always be a problem with your EX and how the emotions would develop between each other again. There would be just this slight urge of a feeling that you two want to be back together but at the same time you know it that it might be possible except you don't want to hurt that person the second time round. I'll be honest, once a person leaves me can never go back. The damage has already been done and they have to live with their decision even if it means their own regret that things could have been better or worked out.

 

However, as in being friends and getting along with your EX. Well I would consider its fine but you have to think back on why you want to be friends again. Using TrialbyFire's (TBF's) question as below...

 

Who broke up with whom?

Why did they break up?

What is your comfort level?

Is the ex very good looking?

 

These are good example questions. Furthermore lets see how I went on from here.

 

Just recently in this year, my partner and I felt it was time to contact our EX's and be friends with them. We all heard the news of our EX's missing us or have been thinking of us lately, I let my own gf to make the first move and start talking with the ex and see how that develops.

 

After a fortnight later, I decided to give mine a go and see where we ended up. It was kinda interesting at first to see how your EX's react towards you. My ex gf wanted to help me out and make up for the damage she had caused to me when we broke up and was meant to be married. As having a long history with my ex, I decided to do the 'wait and see' approach because whatever she is doing to me currently, in some ways its comfortable whilst in other ways you still remain vague or weary about it all.

 

My gf's ex bf was being as his normal himself, tried to be flirtly with my gf and at the same time was acting like a real immature imbicel sometimes. My gf whined to me about him and I told her outright that I know she cares about him but there are times that there is nothing she can do to change that person. Except accept what your ex has become and leave them be if you have to, talk only when needed or required. After that, my gf has treated her ex in that manner and if she doesn't want to talk to him anymore, then that's fine.

 

Also talking about your EX in general, you have to think what are you content to a certain level. The usual questions I ask myself are the following...

 

Do you miss that person and the special enjoyable conversations you use to have?

Do you want to see her again in person?

Do you think and believe that there is any slight chance of a friendship being healed?

Are you comfortable to talk to your EX online only?

Are you comfortable with the idea of them asking your other contact details (i.e. your cell/mobile phone, etc.)?

Are you happy with your EX being as an online friend only and not seeing them in person?

Are you content that your EX is supportive of you and is trying to give you good advice to help you?

Do you value your EX as a good friend to see or just another person who you want to act civily through the net instead?

 

Well to be honest, whenever my EX asks me for my contact details (usually when I break up with an ex, I just change all my details by any means. That is to show...

 

1) I have moved on and accepted that I should stay away from my EX.

2) I was dumped and hurt, the pain would not go away so easily and,

3) If you truly believe that your relationship with your new partner is working out. Then, you might consider giving your contact details to your ex as the last resort...)

 

Sometimes it can be good for your ex to stay in contact with you, but through an interesting arguable debate with my friends both online and in person.

 

Some argue that if I did give my EX my contact details, it would mean that my EX has been given more of an opportunity to do anything (he/ she) likes because you open the doors to them.

 

However some others would argue that its a bad idea because your ex would be either nosy or in your face, perhaps even if you were to justify it with that your current partner would be very weary of you and the trust barrier between you, your partner and your ex would develop. Sometimes, when I was asked a question, for example...

 

"Can I have you mobile number?"

 

I tend to ignore my ex's request, she may feel rejected or something like that. But if she truly values me as a friend, she'll probably would have to understand that I am just being protective of myself. Making sure that my relationship is secure.

 

Overall, being friends with your ex has some good and bad points. But it depends what you want out of it, and not what your ex's want. In the end, you have every right to say "Yea okay, let's be friends but let's try to keep it that way and maintain a good friendship."

 

Or... "Sorry I have to say, thank for what we had but it is finished and we should move on. I do wish you all the best in the future. Goodbye."

 

I think that covers it on my views of it.

mental_traveller Established Member

mental_traveller

Posted
Posted
So this is my question.....how comfortable are you if you are in a commited relationship and your partner wants to be free to have lunches, intimate talks with his ( or her)ex partner?

would this bother any of you?

thanks!

 

Yes it would bother me, I'm extremely jealous in that regard.

 

I act the same way though, I've turned down meetings with exes who I got on well with, because I was now with a new woman and didn't think it would be fair on them to have an ex hanging around, meeting up, and causing my new gf insecurities & doubts. If I wanted to meet my ex, I'd make sure to bring along my new gf.

LoveLace Established Member

LoveLace

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Yes it would bother me, I'm extremely jealous in that regard.

 

I act the same way though, I've turned down meetings with exes who I got on well with, because I was now with a new woman and didn't think it would be fair on them to have an ex hanging around, meeting up, and causing my new gf insecurities & doubts. If I wanted to meet my ex, I'd make sure to bring along my new gf.

 

This is how everyone should think about it..in my opinion!

WhiteKnight Established Member

WhiteKnight

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This is how everyone should think about it..in my opinion!

 

True. I would have to say that it would very natural of us to think it like that because anything is a possibility. Trust on your ex is always the issue.

 

Even if you are single and approach your ex again, anything unexpected could happen to you based on a possible 'second chance' factor or most likely you could be used emotionally. And thus with that being said, even if you are in a realtionship and meeting your ex, the emotions that you and your ex once shared will always be there.

DOA Member

DOA

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One of the rules I will never budge on in a relationship is my feelings of keeping in contact with an ex. It is just unacceptable for me, especially if they had a sexual relationship too. I don't keep in contact with mine, and I don't expect my SO to keep in contact with his.

 

This is because, often, when I ask WHY someone wishes to keep in touch with their ex, they either cannot give a clear answer or avoid the topic. It's usually that, deep down inside, they hope to keep their ex around because they MIGHT have a second chance down in the future if they don't find someone else better. The other reason is, that they somehow provide the person with something that their current SO cannot, and that is hurtful and concerning.

 

And more than often, I've seen that when exes get too close, old feelings resurface and the current relationship is in big trouble.

 

The other kind of trouble is when the EX is contacting your SO, usually just out of the blue after a period of NC. No matter what their reasons for contacting, it would concern me a lot if the ex just suddenly reappeared out of the blue and wanted to keep in contact.

corazoncito Established Member

corazoncito

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Having lunches frequently, especially if it's with one particular ex, seems a little off. Intimate talks, not ok either.

 

But I don't have a problem with my BF having other kinds of contact with his ex's. I deal with this on a case-by-case basis. Most of his ex's were friends before they dated. I've met many of them and they are great women. And they have come across as genuinely happy to meet me (and I think a little curious to see who was the woman who was able to convince my BF to "settle down" :p). It helps that my BF has been open about his past and why he didn't want committed relationships with them and why he does want one with me. Also, he doesn't do much one-on-one meeting with them (and tells me when he does). Mostly, they are friends, we have friends in common, so it's normal that we often hit a bar or party together. Now if he were seeing one particular ex frequently and regularly and didn't want me around, we'd have to talk cause that would make me unhappy.

 

At the moment, I am not in touch with any of my ex's, but that's not to say I haven't been in the past. Some were jerks and so I have no reason to talk to them. Some were nice guys and we kept in touch for several years, but gradually lost touch. They seemed happy in their lives and if they got back into touch, I wouldn't think it was for anything more than to see how I was doing. And I wouldn't be interested in "rekindling" anything.

BeachBlonde Member

BeachBlonde

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Yeah, not a very good idea. Exes are exes for a reason--I really don't see the point in maintaining a friendship with an ex--most of the time, one still has feelings for the other and it just causes trouble in present relationships. While it's one thing to occasionally talk and catch up, it's another to frequently hang out with one another, go out to lunch together, and talk all the time. I think that's crossing the line.

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