having issues with a friend

[jenn84]

so i have this best friend that i've known a long time. ive suspected he liked me for a while (he's hinted over the years that he liked me) but he finally admitted to me recently. wasnt sure how i felt cause i didnt want to risk the friendship but then it changed. we were getting quite close, as he was making effort to get me to like him and was treating me more as a girlfriend.

 

at the same time he met another girl that he liked and he told me (as he always confides in me with everything). he still kept trying with me, but as i never gave him a sign that i was interested that way, he started to pursue her.

 

a few weeks on he has hooked up with her. but once again his behaviour towards me has changed. now hes mean to me when she is around, ignoring and putting me down, yet when shes not there hes fine! dont undestand what this means as he has always respected me and tells me often how much he appreciates me and so on. its like hes a totally different person! i know i havent done anything to hurt him, unless hes just cut he couldnt have me?? i let him know i was upset by his actions and we havent spoke for a few days. really want to work it out, just not sure how to approach him! any ideas???

thanks in advance

[Erik]

Jenny, you have been a very bad girl, shame on you. You are playing with that boy and you should let him go immediately. You should know, that it is very unnatural and unhealthy for a boy to be friend with a girl that does not have any romantic inclinations towards him.

 

 

I will give you my stock sermon on the subject. It written as an admonition to boys, but I'm sure you'll recognise and understand what this is all about.

 

Here goes.

 

She likes you as a friend. If you becomes her lover, she will loose a friend, she is not interested in that. You have know her for too long; in her head you are no longer love-potential. Basically you are sexless to her. If you test the waters, it will be awkward, and she will resent it but hide her resentment because she likes you. If you are lucky, she will break contact with you. If you are unlucky, she will forgive you your transgression and agree to keep seeing you under the condition that you know your place. Being in love with her, you will accept that. Occasionally you will try to make advances, you will be rebuffed. You will pursue her still, and because she likes you and for old times sake and because she pities you, she will keep seeing you and you will keep coming to her. For every advance, she will feel resentment and pity build inside her. You will quickly learn that you have to play the 'just friends' part to keep her from rebuffing you.

 

When things are back on track, she will be very happy, thinking you have come to your senses. But the love is still inside you, building with each rebuff and the close contact, and she will feel this love, only she mistakes it for a deeper, emotional bond, she will see you as a soulmate. All the attention and understanding you give her with will be addictive, she will not be able to let you go.

 

You will shower her with love, but she will have no obligation towards you. She will take a lover, and when he pisses on her, she will come to cry on your shoulder, telling you how much she loves him. You will be very happy about this, because in vain you will cling to the mistaken notion that sharing such stuff builds an emotional bond between you that will turn into love at some time. This will never happen. You will become her emasculated slave.

[kypepeo]

I guess it's awkward for him to be around you and her at the same time and that's why he acts up. Also, I agree somewhat with the other reply you received. It's hard for a male and female to be friends and remain friends especially now that he told you how he feels and you didn't really respond. Something changed and if you want to keep him as a friend, you'll have to work double hard to do that but I don't think things will be the same again

[whichwayisup]

I would back off and leave him alone for a while. You don't need to be around someone who decides to treat you poorly and put you down infront of his new squeeze.

 

He's doing that on purpose, to make you feel bad - AND, also to prove to his new girl that he feels nothing for you. Chances are he's head over heels for you!! (Though his actions and the fact he's acting like a real a-hole towards you right now doesn't show that.)

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Awwww Erik, that isn't always the case. I think that one thing that men don't always understand is something that Jenn pointed out. He confides everthing in me. Often times, in these situations where the man does confide everything in a female friend, even if she has felt anything for him, she can be scared away or decide that he is quite probably not a good gamble.

 

Jenn, obviously he harbours some resentment and when he is with this other girl he wants to make SURE you and she both understand that her status is above yours. It can be very difficult for anyone, male or female, to befriend someone of the opposite sex who they have strong feelings for. It is hard for a man to understand why a woman would be happy to be his friend but not sleep with him, that's the ultimate put down if that is what they desire. For a woman it is difficult to sleep with a man whom you have feelings for without those becoming even more strong.

 

I believe the male/female friendships can only exist comfortably when there are no feelings or desire involved.

[Erik]

Awwww Erik, that isn't always the case. I think that one thing that men don't always understand is something that Jenn pointed out. He confides everthing in me. Often times, in these situations where the man does confide everything in a female friend, even if she has felt anything for him, she can be scared away or decide that he is quite probably not a good gamble.

 

Exactly. Except it has nothing to do with being scared. Confession and emotion are sexual turn-offs; it boosts the womans self-esteem, but promotes sexlessness in the eye of the woman for just this reason. If a woman does not have to fight for the man's emotions, she does not respect him as a man, as the poster Yamaha sagely pointed out in another thread. Subconsciously she considers him easy, he is basically throwing himself supine before her, not a charming trait a man.