My Boyfriend or my family??

[mrscompy]

Ok.. so.. here's my story..

 

I am 21 years old.. I'll be 22 in about 16 days time. My mom had me when she was 15 and her mom had her when she was 16!!.. So basically, we're all growing up together.

 

I have a boyfriend and he's 21 years older than I am. We have been together for about 6 years. He's not married or has any other girlfriends.. I don't have any other boyfriend than him. We love each other and we have simply disregarded the age difference. Our relationship is not a secret.. my parents know him and he comes over to our house all the time. He encourages me in everything that I wanna do. He even got a job for me at a local bank because his cousin is the manager there. He's paying for me to do my degree part time while I work. He has lunch with me everyday at lunch time and we spend sooo much time together.

 

People have always made comments about us. such as he being a 'sugar daddy' and all them other things but he never let that deter him from being with me.

 

I grew up with my grandma ( dad's mom), cause my mom was simply too young to take care of me. This lady is a total freakazoid!.. She quarells for no reason, and is very vicious. She asks my boyfriend to do stuff for her and she completely hates him. We're tired of all the bickering and we have decided that we are going to move in together.

 

He has his apartment and I'm always there, so we have made a decision for me to move out of my parents house and move in with him. All of a sudden, everyone in my family hates him. They are saying that he's trying to take me away from my family, and how he's soo much older than me.... Y can't he get someone his own age. He'll prevent me from being what I want to be and achieving my goals in life.

 

Because of all the things that my family is saying now, he says he's not comming to my house anymore. He's not going to be anywhere that he's not wanted. I completely understand how he's feeling.

 

Now, I'm forced to choose.. My boyfriend.. or my family?..

 

What do U think?

[mrscompy]

:-(.. no responses

[funkify]

I've been where you are and even when I thought I could trust my bf 100X more than my family I found out time and time again that my family was always more reliable.

 

You should try and understand where your parents are coming from, if they didn't care about you then it wouldn't faze them that you're moving in with him. I know at 21 you may think you know what is best for you but trust me, the older you get the more you will realise how little you really knew.

 

You are still very young to get so serious with anyone. Why not wait a few more years until you start making these big decisions. You've already waited 6 years, a few more years of growing up won't hurt. That way your family will get used to the idea of you living with him as well.

 

All the best.

[Island Girl]

You were 15 - when you started dating a man that is 21 years older?

 

So he was 36 and dating a 15 year old - in the US that is a crime.

 

Certainly if your mom had you when she was 15 and you were 15 when you met this man - your mother was 30 and her daughter was dating a 36 year old.

That'd make any mother come completely unglued. And hate the guy so it isn't surprising.

 

And your grandmother was only 46 when she saw a 36 year old man courting her granddaughter - again - enough ammunition to hate him forever.

 

So if they dislike him they do have reason to as far as that goes.

 

---

 

But as to the problem, you have been with this man for your entire adolescence.

 

You have been together for 6 years.

 

Now is not the time to move in together. If it is LOVE it will wait.

 

You should be thinking of yourself selfishly right now and I am sorry that you aren't. I know you aren't because you are focused on a relationship not your future and what you want for yourself.

 

The rest of your life is ahead of you and there are a lot of years ahead. Don't be in such a rush to commit to an entire future with someone until you have lived a little of that future dreaming of possibilities and living some of those first.

[RecordProducer]

They are saying that he's trying to take me away from my family, and how he's soo much older than me.... Y can't he get someone his own age. He'll prevent me from being what I want to be and achieving my goals in life.

Most men and especially most men who are much older than you will play an understanding and supportive friend during the dating phase, but will start repressing your ambitions in one way or another when you live under the same roof. This is not a statement against men - it's against us women. We tend to forget ourselves, our missions, our identities, we start think for the man, for the family, we cook, clean, try to leave a great impression on him, on his family and friends, we want to be there for him, to take good care of him, to be his dream wife. Much older men also tend to be more controlling.

 

This happens to women of all ages, nationalities, races,a nd occupations. But the younger you are the more severe the results of losing your identity. The more dependent you are on him emotionally and financially (and if you have kids) the more he can chain you and lose respect for you.

 

Move in with your boyfriend, but never forget who you are, never give up on your dreams, and never let yourself depend on a man in any way. Don't let him talk you into being a house-wife and having many kids right away. If you want to work and enjoy your life - listen to yourself, not him.

 

Now, I'm forced to choose.. My boyfriend.. or my family?..

No, you're not. Your family will accept whatever decision you make. Ignore their nagging. You choose what's best for YOU. When your family sees that you're happy, they will approve your decision. But you have to show that you're capable of looking after yourself. The fact that they see you as a child that someone wants to take away from them, at age 22, indicates that you are childish in a way. Don't worry, most of us are at that age. So you're going from one parent (your grandma) to another (your BF). And naturally, your BF wants you for selfish reasons, not unconditionally, like your family. Don't burn bridges behind you. Be a diplomat and keep things light among all players.

[mrscompy]

Thanks for the responses.

 

We started daating at 16 not 15, and I don't live in the U.S so it doesn't matter what the law is there. Where I live the legal age of sexual concent is 16 and we didn't even have sex until I was almost 18.. so he didn't commit a crime.

 

Thanks you soo much Record Producer for ur comments. I actually spoke to a friend and he gave me the same advice.