Does anybody else get tired of being in a relationship?

[Pyro]

Yeah I just started a few weeks ago...sorry you didn't get the memo

 

looks like I'll have to fire another receptionist. Its hard to find good help these days.

[IpAncA]

I would try and communicate with him as others have suggested and see how that goes.

[amaysngrace]

I would try and communicate with him as others have suggested and see how that goes.

 

I've tried before with him, telling him I need time for myself. But he takes it out of context, thinking we're doomed.

 

Maybe it's the vibe I'm throwing??

 

Honestly I do have a very uncanny ability to shut down like a prison gate. I can care to the moon today about somebody but tomorrow I can be totally aloof and unaffected.

 

It's a rare gift (curse?) indeed...

[pricillia]

I get tired of not being in a relationship...

 

I guess the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

[Pyro]

I've tried before with him, telling him I need time for myself. But he takes it out of context, thinking we're doomed.

 

Maybe it's the vibe I'm throwing??

 

Honestly I do have a very uncanny ability to shut down like a prison gate. I can care to the moon today about somebody but tomorrow I can be totally aloof and unaffected.

 

It's a rare gift (curse?) indeed...

 

It could very well be the vibe or it could be that he is not a great communicator and/or he isn't all that great with showing his emotions in the right manner. Like I said before, you know him better than us.

[Curmudgeon]

Anyone else ever feel like this? Does anyone else think relationships are a whole lot of work?

 

Only if you really care enough to make them work. Then you'd better believe they're high maintenance. If you're not willing to expend the necessary attention and "labor" then better to find something else like a FWB situationthat won't require the thought and energy.

[dropdeadlegs]

I can't say that I get tired of being in my relationship, but after spending the weekend with my BF I sometimes really look forward to going home Sunday night. For me I think it's mainlye about all the things I still need to do when I get home in order to start my Monday in the way I am accustomed to. Still, there are lots of other "little things" that make my home better.

 

While at his place I do the dishes after each meal. At home, I might let them sit until after supper. I might let them sit until morning. He wouldn't care if I did that, I just feel obligated to treat his home in a better manner than I feel obligated to in my own place. He doesn't have a computer. He has two TV's, one in the living room and one in his daughters room. I have one in each bedroom and the living room. I don't want to watch "Cops" for two hours on Sunday evening. If I could go to another room and watch something I prefer, I think I would be fine. Those are my rants.

 

I do see myself with him far into the future, even after the kids are grown. We do not see one another M-T-W and that gives me enough "me" time. Maybe you and your BF have different ideas of how much together time is appropriate. You know how one in the couple wants to live together or marry, and the other one is fine living alone forever? It's easier when you both have the same ideas about where things are and where they are going. It isn't as much work when you both agree to the "plans." For me we both agree that marriage is not going to happen. Ever. We go back and forth on the idea of living together because we both have some situations to consider, and neither of us currently has a place that would accommodate both families. So, for now, living apart seems right and perfect. The immediate future will change things a bit, and I once thought we would live together by years end, but my situation will not be resolved by then. I'm sure we will at some point, but I now think that is further down the road, maybe even years. Still, that's fine with me. In some ways it seems it would be easier to live together, In other ways I'm getting more set in my ways daily. I think I'm a little bit scared of the proposition.

 

Talk to your therapist and delve into your issues. Maybe you have commitment issues. Maybe it's about the ability to easily detach that you mentioned. Maybe you and your BF just don't have the same needs concerning time spent together. I'm sure you will figure it out.

[alphamale]

i like seeing a girl just once or twice per week. thats enough for me. I was never one of those see each other every friggin day kind of person. I like to spend time with my family and friends and also alone. Women always tell me I don't see them enough. Too bad, I say.

[Foreva86]

I've been with my boyfriend for around five years now and I love him so much. I wanna spend the rest of my life with him. Recently, well it has been going on for awhile I feel like as we're losing that spark that we once had. We argue and disagree on a lot of things and frankly I'm getting tired of it. I feel like we're moving further away from eachother and I really don't want this to happen

[sb129]

I don't think its a bad think to need time and space apart from eachother, but you both need to understand and agree about it.

If one feels insecure as a result of the other needing space, then the needing space needs to reassure them in other ways and communicate to them.

 

I am in a LDR, so we get lots of space- I wish we saw eachother more often!

Thank (deity of choice) for loveshack!

[IpAncA]

I've tried before with him, telling him I need time for myself. But he takes it out of context, thinking we're doomed.

 

Maybe it's the vibe I'm throwing??

 

Honestly I do have a very uncanny ability to shut down like a prison gate. I can care to the moon today about somebody but tomorrow I can be totally aloof and unaffected.

 

It's a rare gift (curse?) indeed...

 

I don't know if your throwing the wrong vibe. Sounds like he's a clinger.

 

You're going to have to just make him understand that you need space and the relationship isn't doomed. Why does he think it's doomed?

 

Maybe he's had women leave him when he gives them space or something. Who knows why people do what they do.

[longlegzs80]

I can relate in my past relationship. He wanted me to spend more time over at his place, or spending the night, whatever and I just wanted to be by myself or do my thing. There is nothing weird about you. You just don't want to spend every waking moment with him. Just tell him straight up that there are times that you need time to yourself. This has nothing to do with being with him, its just how you are. Now, if you tell him day after day that you want your time etc., then you should really look into whether you want to be in the relationship or not, because he has needs, and not only that, he wants to be with you more then maybe once or twice a week whatever the case may be.

 

So, my 2 cents is, be upfront with him and say that you need time to yourself, that it has nothing to do with him, but you need time to do your thing etc. I don't see why he wouldn't understand and respect that.

[Aloros]

What he really needs is a hobby. Does he have any interests you can encourage? He'll enrich himself personally, give you guys some time apart, and you'll have more to talk about when you reunite.

 

On the other hand, can you see a future with this guy? I'll admit, I spend an inordinate amount of time with my bf. I need a little bit of alone time, but sometimes being alone with him is just as good as being alone. Besides, I like to wake up with him in the morning, and I couldn't imagine cutting the sex to only a few times a week.

 

I mean, how often do you think you would see one another if you lived together or were married? If you can't see your relationship ever progressing to that stage, maybe you should let him know.

[amaysngrace]

 

I mean, how often do you think you would see one another if you lived together or were married?

 

That's a good question. However, it is one I don't have to answer. We broke up. We're finished. Finudo.

 

I'm just not into him like before. I told ya'll I'm not relationship material. At least with this guy. It was getting to be a hassle.

 

Sure I love him and sure I'll miss him, but the thing is in order for me to miss him he needs to go away!

[VirtualInsanity]

Sure I love him and sure I'll miss him, but the thing is in order for me to miss him he needs to go away!

 

You should tell him that. j/k

[allina]

 

I know it'll make him mad if I tell him I can't see him tonight. Not mad really, just weirded out like I said. He'll think I don't care. He's tried that before.

 

 

This small detail is a big downer in relationships and so many people do it. It's unreasonable to get mad/sad/whiny when your SO wants to have alone time. The worst is when they say "oh uhmm okay..." and you can tell by their tone they aren't happy.

 

People in relationships often lack common sense and over think everything. Also, making a SO feel afraid or guilty of asking for alone time is such a damaging thing to do.

 

I live with my bf, and I love him more than anything, but that doesn't mean that we spend each second together, that would drive anyone insane. People have this notion that if their bf/gf isn't with them 100% of the time something is wrong

[Pyro]

This small detail is a big downer in relationships and so many people do it. It's unreasonable to get mad/sad/whiny when your SO wants to have alone time. The worst is when they say "oh uhmm okay..." and you can tell by their tone they aren't happy.

 

People in relationships often lack common sense and over think everything. Also, making a SO feel afraid or guilty of asking for alone time is such a damaging thing to do.

 

I live with my bf, and I love him more than anything, but that doesn't mean that we spend each second together, that would drive anyone insane. People have this notion that if their bf/gf isn't with them 100% of the time something is wrong

 

This is without a doubt one of the most difficult and complicated tasks to deal with in a relationship. If this is a problem and the two of you can work it out, then IMO the relationship has a better chance of surviving.

[amaysngrace]

Also, making a SO feel afraid or guilty of asking for alone time is such a damaging thing to do.

 

 

This is how it was too many times for me. I'd say I need "me" time and then he'd make such a big deal about it that by the time I got time for myself it wasn't nearly as good as if he was just okay with it in the first place.

 

It's like my brain couldn't relax fully or something. It totally affected my mindset. I guess I felt guilty for letting him down.

[Herzen]

oh God, i HATE being in relationships. The best scenario for me is when I'm in a casual relationship that includes sex. The amount of effort is not worth it to be in a serious relationship. I'm a pretty private person and love my own company. I'm a big control freak and when I'm by myself I can control EVERYTHING aha hhah ahahahah ha haha ha

 

 

Right on the money, alpha. As usual.

 

As someone who stepped out of a 20-plus year marriage a few years ago, I hear you. A casual relationship with casual sex is much preferred to the old "ball and chain."

 

Other people can have all the real, true, deeply meaningful relationships they want. As for me, I'll take my free time, and love it. I'll swim alone.

[amaysngrace]

Right on the money, alpha.

 

OMG it just occurred to me that I fly with the Alphas in the world.

[sunshinegirl]

So you broke up with him, huh? Problem solved, sounds like.

 

However, I would encourage you to still talk this through with your counselor.

 

...he starts talking about when my kids are grown and sounds as if he knows we'll be together and then it makes me want to run in the other direction.

 

The above quote and some of your other comments about hating being in relationships suggest that there might be some deeper things going on with you (commitment issues?). If that's the case, and you don't start the work of identifying and dealing with what's really going on, you are likely to repeat this scenario with the next guy...

 

Good luck!

[amaysngrace]

However, I would encourage you to still talk this through with your counselor.

 

 

some of your other comments about hating being in relationships suggest that there might be some deeper things going on with you (commitment issues?).

 

Thanks Sunshine.

 

I know what it is...if I don't get too close I can't get hurt. Either that or I'm a true Bohemian at heart... I think I'll stick with the latter.

 

The thing is I did get close with him. Very close. We talked about everything under the sun. He knew me as much as anybody knows me, probably he knows me better than anyone in my life does.

 

And I know him too. But the thing is all my life guys come in and pressure me to take it higher than I'm comfortable with. I thought this guy was different. We talked, we hung out, the sex was great. I wanted him desperately to open up to me but once he did, it completely freaked me.

 

And I don't think it's cause I'm afraid of getting close to someone. I think it's just that when he opened up to me I saw some things in him that makes me not want him anymore. I can see where his actions screwed up his past relationships.

 

They aren't my issues to fix, you know?

[dropdeadlegs]

Well, AG, there's a lot to be said for seeing things that are red flags and deciding to end things. At least you didn't view him as a "project." with potential that could be worked with.

 

It takes awhile to get behind the veneers and see the real person we are dating. While things may seem so good in many areas, if there is a fundamental issue of concern, it is often best to move on.

 

When you find the right partner, I'm willing to bet that any "uncanny ability to detach" and "shutting down like a prison gate" will subside. Those are certainly self protection measures learned along the way that have served you well after being hurt a number of times.

 

You said that you will be discussing these issues with your therapist, and that's still a good idea, but I really think that if you found someone with the qualities you require that the detachment ability would dissipate.

 

On another note, I don't see you as one to be all upset and posting on the coping boards in a "what have I done?" kind of way. I admire that. Sure, breakups hurt, but when I'm done, I'm just done. I've already weighed the pros and cons, and the cons were simply overwhelming. I can lick my wounds a bit and move on.

 

Best wishes to you!

[amaysngrace]

 

Best wishes to you!

 

Thank you so much.

 

It's true he isn't my project to work on. He admits he needs help. He has said it a thousand times what needs to happen for him to help himself. He knows which path to take, yet he stays still.

 

Which is cool. They are his choices to make. It's also my choice to walk away rather than be with him.

[Depth of Insight]

This is a great post and I'm sorry I missed it while it was "hot" a month ago.

 

I'm about to have the "space" conversation with someone and so I am glad to read all this helpful information.

 

I can so much relate to getting along just fine on my own. I have survived so many breakups and have full confidence in my ability to get over anyone. I'm not afraid of being alone.

 

I am also confident that I can meet other people, date, etc. very easily. In some ways, this makes wanting to commit to a relationship tough, especially since I love getting to know NEW people.

 

I just wonder if I really would ever want to be married -- I think when I'm ready to have kids I'll want the marriage because I want a family. But I'm probably a good five-ten years from that. I still have so many other issues that I want to pursue in life first with career, etc.

 

As I get older, I wonder if I'm ever going to be able to integrate ANYONE into my life and vice versa. I don't want to get so set in my ways that I become inflexible. At the same time, the reason why things are "my way" are because I really like how they work for me!

 

I feel real sorry for anyone who loves me...